To Say Goodbye (22 page)

She’d practically had to tie herself to the couch to resist answering it.

She’d been strong, though, knowing eventually he’d give up, he’d give in, and he’d get his son back. He’d go back to Chloe, and his life would be smooth sailing. She would be left alone to wallow in her grief, just like she should be.

A few weeks after her split with Jackson, she did something unexpected. She went back to the grief circle she’d quit a few weeks after Tim’s death. She’d felt overwhelmed by it then, disgusted by the prospect of talking about her loss. She didn’t want to have warm faces pitying her as she told her tale. She didn’t want other women who thought they understood nosing around her business, analyzing her grief. She wanted to do it alone.

Now, she realized it was a good thing to go, if not for the companionship, for the simple fact it was a way for her not to forget about Tim. She didn’t want to slip into a routine and let her memories of him disintegrate. As grim as it sounded, she wanted to soak in the pain of his absence so she felt like she could appropriately work through it.

She had to admit, the group was easier now with more time having passed. The anguish, although still palpable, was not as malignant, as fresh. She could stand at the podium and talk about Tim now, and she didn’t feel the need to shred someone’s eyeballs when they winked at her with a conspiratorial
I know where you’re coming from
wink. In fact, she found herself actually connecting with a few women her age, actually sticking around for the cookies and punch after the weekly meetings to socialize.

See, you weren’t in love with Jackson,
she actually convinced herself. It seemed like life without Jackson was possible. She did miss him, especially at night when the stars were out and she’d think of their strolls through the neighborhood. She missed the smell of his cologne, the feel of his warm, scratchy hands on her.

She missed him.

But she could get through this. She could survive in a life without Tim or Jackson. She didn’t need love. Her heart was dead, after all. She would never feel that way again.

She plowed right through the workweeks, smiling more, talking more with her customers. She went out for drinks with Stella a few times, and she even joined a spinning class to get back into shape. She worked with Henry, teaching him basic obedience. Time marched on, and as the days rolled by, she felt confident she was going to be okay.

And then it happened.

A few words, a gleaming smile, and a shining gemstone threw her off the path to recovery, turned the glittering of the spring sunshine into a demonic black hole.

_______________

“I’m so happy for you, Stella! That’s amazing! Give me a hug.”

These words instinctively flew from Sophia’s lips to her best friend’s ears. They were the words she knew she had to say, words she wanted to feel.

In her gut, though, as she hugged her best friend who was stamping her feet in a weird jig due to excitement and giddiness, bile rose.

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” Stella said, flashing a delicate, shiny rock on the telltale finger.

“Of course it is,” Sophia said, grinning while flashing a lot of teeth. She needed to play the part, to be the supportive friend.

She was happy for Stella. Larry was a great guy. He grounded Stella without stifling her. He made Stella want to settle down, to settle in. He accepted her, pink hair and witty remarks. He loved her. It was obvious.

And Stella was crazy about him, too. Sophia had been there through many relationships, breakups, and mistakes. She’d seen Stella be infatuated for the wrong reasons only to end up heartbroken. She’d known this was different from the beginning. Larry and Stella had started as a slow burn, igniting in a careful, contained way. Their relationship was the thing marriages were made of, Sophia knew. She recognized the signs, the sparkle in Stella’s eye, the visions of the future.

Now, a wedding was certainly in her future.

“How did it happen?” Sophia asked, again following the customary questions.

“It’s kind of silly, actually. So you know how my favorite animal is a dolphin, right?”

Sophia just nodded. Clearly she knew this.

“Well, he took me to the aquarium, which I’d been wanting to go to. And then, by the dolphins, with screaming kids and old people walking around, he just dropped to one knee and proposed.”

“That’s sweet.”

“It was definitely different. But I loved it. We’re actually thinking of saying our I dos right there.”

“At the aquarium?”

“Yeah, why not? Conventional is so overrated.”

“You don’t say,” Sophia teased. “Does this mean I’ll be wearing flippers and scuba gear?”

“No. Obviously not. But a dolphin broach might not be out of the question.”

“Whatever makes you happy.”

She turned, heading to the fridge to get some beverages, trying to busy her hands. This was what she hated most about the loss. The grief was a stealthy stalker, waiting until a certain moment, a certain word, a certain event. Then it pounced, threatening to strangle her in pity, in jealousy, in anger. Love was circling around her. People were happy all around her, and she didn’t want that to change.

But why couldn’t she be happy, too? Why couldn’t her heart be bursting with excitement for the future? Why did hers have to be blackened by death, corpse-like in her chest?

“Hey,” Stella said, coming up to her in the kitchen. Henry trailed at her feet, biting her toes. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t, Stell. This is your time.”

“I know. But this can’t be easy. I was insensitive. I’m sorry.”

“Stop! I’m tired of everyone tiptoeing around me like I’m some selfish wench who can’t hear about other people’s happiness. Just stop.” The anger gurgled and bubbled, flowing out in an inferno of words. Stella stood silently, seemingly sensing Sophia’s need to vent.

Sophia closed her eyes, exhaling loudly, putting down the wine bottle as she spoke. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “You’re right. I
am
upset. It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy. Really. I’m glad you have Larry.”

“You just feel like it’s not fair you have to be so unhappy.” Stella eyed her seriously, a look telling Sophia she truly got it.

Sophia nodded, admitting to her friend what she’d been trying to hide.

“Soph, I get it. I do. Your world is still in limbo. It’s natural to feel angry when everyone else is moving on, but you don’t have to be in limbo, not forever. Stop constricting yourself. Stop being afraid to feel. Grief has no time limit, it’s true. Standing still isn’t going to bring Tim back. Pretending you don’t feel something won’t resurrect what you had.”

They stood, the words simmering between them. It should have been an awkward moment, one of those friendship-defining moments that pulled two people apart. It wasn’t.

Sophia, not really knowing where to go with the conversation, simply said, “So what does Larry think about the Flipper-themed festivities?”

“Does it matter?” Stella smiled. “Plus, I mean, the man proposed to a pink-haired, mismatched sock wearing woman who eats SpaghettiOs on a regular basis. He probably knows the white dress, church wedding isn’t really in the cards.”

“Well, he’s damn lucky to get you. Seriously. You spice him up. An engineer. I would’ve never guessed.”

“Me neither. But that’s the thing about love. It’s not really logical, huh?”

“Neither is life.”

The two plopped onto the sofa to talk wedding gowns and cake flavors, sipping a bottle of wine as they chatted.

It would only be later, alone in bed, that Sophia would let her mind travel where Stella had stopped it from going.

_______________

It was a Tuesday, and the night of their four-month dating anniversary. Sophia was dressed in a knee-length dress Stella had deemed too conservative—although anything was probably conservative compared to the damn miniskirt she’d let her borrow on the night she met Tim. She headed to their regular spot. She and Tim went to “their” restaurant at least once a week, the call of the lasagna, Tim’s immense discount, and the memories of their first meeting calling them back.

Pink Lemonade had been up and running for a couple months. It was a hectic time. With Tim back in school and Sophia absorbed in the day-to-day running of a new business, it seemed like there was never enough time.

One thing that wasn’t crazy and chaotic, however, was them.

Ever since the encounter at the restaurant the first night, Tim and Sophia had been inseparable—and Stella certainly noticed. She was always teasing the two about their googly eyes, their sweet sentiments, and the fact Sophia constantly talked about Tim.

Sophia had her share of heartbreak and crazy ex-boyfriends to know her connection with Tim was something special, something magnificent really. It wasn’t because of outlandish romantic gestures or unguarded passions between them. It was the ease of their connection, the way she could tell him things she didn’t think possible. It was because in just the four months they’d been together, she trusted him. She trusted him enough to tell him about her father’s secret fight with mental illness and her own troubled moments during her teenage years. She trusted him enough that she was able to open her heart, to show her vulnerabilities and fears. She trusted he would never see her differently.

Sitting at their regular table as Tim told his coworkers that no, he couldn’t bus table fifteen because he wasn’t working, Sophia smiled as she set her purse on the floor and settled in. Within a few minutes, Kenzi, Sophia’s favorite waitress, came to get their orders.

“I’m guessing it’ll be the usual?” she asked, getting out a tablet and looking at them expectantly. They nodded, and Kenzi smiled. “I’ll tell you what. You two are adorable.” She winked then, looking conspiratorially at Tim, who winked back.

“How are things going?” Sophia asked, ignoring the odd feeling stirring from their wink and turning the conversation to Kenzi. She always chatted up the friendly brunette when she was in.

“Good. Joe’s taking me to Paris next month, which is pretty exciting. It’s our ten-year anniversary.”

“How awesome! Congratulations,” Sophia said, truly happy for the woman.

“I better get back to the kitchen.”

“Oh, wait. Can we have the appetizer now?”

Kenzi nodded. “Sure thing.”

Sophia gave him an odd look. “We don’t usually order an appetizer.”

“True. But we have a new appetizer, and last week when I was working, I told Kenzi I wanted to try it.”

Sophia nodded, not quite believing Tim. He seemed calm, sipping on his water as he looked at her.

“How’s the client list coming?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Good. We’ve added about thirty in the past few weeks, which is awesome.”

“And the lemonade? Still a hit?”

“Of course.”

He looked at her, his warm eyes dripping with some type of unidentifiable emotion. He looked like he wanted to say something, like he was just buying time. She couldn’t shake the feeling things were off, but she couldn’t imagine what. Things had been great with him. She was crazy about him, and from the night they had last night, he was crazy about her. What could possibly be wrong?

Before she could think too much, Kenzi returned with the appetizer.

“What’s that?” Sophia asked as the waitress put down a beautiful pink plate of strawberry cheesecake, Sophia’s favorite, and two glasses of pink lemonade. “What kind of appetizer is this?”

Kenzi smiled, clapping her hands as she backed away, trying to give them privacy. She didn’t go very far.

Tim took a deep breath. Then, he began speaking in a low, confident voice. “It’s been four months since you walked through the door and asked me for a pink lemonade. From that moment, I knew there was something about you. I’m not naïve enough to call it love at first sight... but it was certainly something. The way you smiled, the way you blushed, everything about you—I had to know more. The past four months have been some of the best times of my life because I’ve been lucky enough to get to know you. I’ve learned just how amazing you are, from your talents at running a business to your compassion. I’ve seen your interactions with others, from the time you stopped to give a homeless man fifty bucks from your wallet to the time you gave a stray cat a bath last week. I’ve seen so many amazing things about you that have made me fall more and more in love with you. But it’s not just the good, I see, Sophia. I see your flaws too. I see your short fuse when it comes to slow drivers. I see your tendency to talk too fast and your inability to stop buying shoes.”

Sophia had been tearing up, but now she looked at him in confusion. “Thanks... I think?”

“My point is, I don’t love you for this perfect image I have of you. I know you’re human. I love you, good and bad, perfect qualities and flaws. I love every single piece of you, and I know I will for the rest of my life. I know this is crazy. I know it’s only been four months. I know you might say no. I’m a future lawyer. I don’t take risks. I’m taught to not take cases I can’t win. For once in my life, I’m taking a risk, going against the inner rational thinker within me. I’m going to lay it all out there. Because you’re worth it, Sophia. I would do anything for you.”

He stood, other patrons now alight with excited murmurings. The scene, though, started to whir around her. She felt excited and nauseous at the same time. She hadn’t seen this coming, not at all. On one knee, Tim pulled out a ring box and presented it to her.

“You’re my best friend. I love you. Will you marry me?”

She looked at him, unsure of how to react. In the movies, girls cried, or gasped, or screamed at this moment. They leapt into the arms of their lover, sometimes tumbling down in a cute and clumsy display of affection.

Sophia did neither.

She sat, stunned, silently appraising the situation. The ring, the restaurant, the eyes on her... it was all too much.

“I don’t feel well,” she said, standing as she fanned herself. She felt really hot all of a sudden, a scorching sauna lifting from under her skin.

“Sophia?”

“I’m fine. I just...”