To Professor, With Love (25 page)

Another five minutes passed. When she appeared at the table where her date was still waiting, the breath rushed from my lungs. I fully expected her to give him her apologies and come running out to me. But she tucked the back of her skirt up to her legs like a proper lady and seated herself. And their date continued.

I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t blink. Everything inside me shattered. Swiping my hand over my mouth, I turned to my best friend.

His eyes were wide with, what...I didn’t know. Shock, fear, concern, worry. “Gam?”

“Fuck it,” I said. “Let’s get drunk.”

***

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” - J.K. Rowling,
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

***

~ASPEN~

My head was pounding. As I let myself into my dark house, I kept the lights out and rested my back against the front door to catch my breath.

The night had gone exactly as I’d planned, which I hated. Philip had been eager to take me out when I’d called him. He hadn’t even had a problem with agreeing to meet there.

I’d asked him about his fiancée straight off, and he’d told me they’d split in February. Then he’d bought me some drinks, and we’d talked university politics until the phone calls and texts had started. I knew it was Noel immediately.

When Philip had told me it was okay to answer them, I’d waved him off, trying to appear as if it’d be rude to answer a call on a date. But then it became rude to ignore my phone because it kept going off and interrupting us. I don’t know what I was thinking; my brain obviously wasn’t screwed on right because I should’ve just turned the entire thing off. Except I’d never been able to do that because subconsciously I’d always been waiting for “the call” from my parents.

I’ll never know why I excused myself to go to the bathroom, either. But I did. And I read his texts. All of them.

It killed me to walk back to Philip.

As inconspicuously as possible, I found where Noel was outside, watching us, and thirty seconds after he dragged his friend off, I stood up, cancelling my date with Philip.

Drawing my phone out of my purse, I let the Prada drop to the ground as I opened the last message he’d sent me.

Don’t do this. I love you, Aspen. Ditch him and come outside to me
.

Over and over again, I re-read it, and it hurt more each time my gaze flowed over the words. Moaning, I brought my fist to my mouth and bit my knuckles. But that didn’t help. The tears came anyway.

I slid to the floor and buried my face into my knees as pinpoints of agony stabbed me in the gut. I have no idea how long I sat there, trying to console myself and failing, but my joints were stiff and my head was muzzy. It hurt when someone pounded on my door, making the vibration of it rattle through my spine.

I yelped and slapped my hand over my mouth, hoping the caller hadn’t heard me. Breathing hard, I remained perfectly still, hoping he’d leave without trying again. But thirty seconds later, more pounding followed.

“Dr. Kavanagh,” someone shouted. “I know you’re in there. Dammit! Get your ass out here. Now!”

Wait. That wasn’t Noel’s voice. What the hell?

I scrambled to my feet and slid aside the curtain to peer out the window. Oren Tenning glared back, his hands on his hips. Worried something had happened to Noel, I scrambled to unlock the deadbolt and opened the door.

But he didn’t spill any kind of word about his roommate. Fisting his hands and waving them erratically, he screamed, “
What the fuck
?”

I cleared my throat, licked my dry lips, and straightened my back. “What do you need, Mr. Tenning?”

“I need you to tell me what the hell happened tonight. When you texted me and asked me to make sure Gam was in a certain place at a certain time... Fuck, I thought you were going to try to get back together with him. Not rip his fucking heart from his fucking chest.”

Tears slipped down my cheeks. I was grateful it was dark and he couldn’t see my face, because my plan to appear unaffected was bombing.

“You
used
me.”

Setting my hand against my diaphragm, I took a deep breath. “I needed him to hate me.”

“Well, congratulations.” He snorted and flung his hands at me. “He does.”

I winced but nodded my head. “Good.”

With a harsh laugh, Ten ran his fingers through his hair and spun around only to come right back to me. “I can’t believe you. He was crazy about you. He...Jesus. Just...don’t
ever
ask me to help hurt my best friend like that again. Because I refuse.”

“I wasn’t asking you to hurt him. I was asking you to help me
protect
him.”

“Protect him? Protect him from
what
?”

I couldn’t answer that one without breaking down. My fingers were already shaking too hard, telling me I was on the verge of a panic attack. With a stiff smile, I met Ten’s gaze. “I guess you’ll find out soon enough.”

“Find out?” he echoed, his eyes going wide with alarm. “Find out what? What the fuck is about to happen?”

“Nothing that will affect you. Nothing that will touch Noel. I think.” With a hefty swallow and metaphoric crossing of my fingers, I drew in a deep breath. “I think he’s safe.”

“You
think
? Jesus Christ. Now I’m freaked out. What’s going on? What did you get him into?”

“Nothing. I’m ninety percent certain this won’t affect him at all.”

“Well, unless you’re a hundred and ten percent certain, then I’m not convinced.
What
is going on?”

Standing steady, I lifted my chin and got my regal on. “What’s going on is that I refuse to be one of those teachers who gives a student a grade she doesn’t deserve.” If I couldn’t get my happily ever after, then neither would Marci Fucking Bennett. “I won’t bow under pressure, or demands, or
blackmail
. And that’s all you need to know. I appreciate your concern for your friend, and I’m glad Noel has someone who’s loyal and concerned about him. But you really need to go now.”

“Fuck,” he breathed. “Someone knows, don’t they? Shit. Who is it? It can’t be any of the guys from Forbidden. They’d never do that to Gam. Just tell me who it is. Maybe I can talk to him. Wait, you said
she
, didn’t you? Who is she?”

“You don’t need to get any more involved than you already are.” I touched his arm. “Just keep Noel...away from it. And...and if he does try to do anything
radical
, please remind him of his brothers and sister. He can’t get himself kicked out of Ellamore if he wants to help his family. His siblings need him.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

“The only thing worse than a boy who hates you: a boy that loves you.” - Markus Zusak,
The Book Thief

~ASPEN~

The longest night of my life passed in seconds. Thirty thousand of them. And I felt every single one. I didn’t sleep. Didn’t eat. Just sat on my couch, in the dark, wondering if I was doing the right thing. If I told Noel about Marci Bennett’s demands, he’d try to do something sweet and noble, and he’d probably get himself kicked out of Ellamore because of it.

But it had hurt so much to do what I’d done. If he hurt half as much as I did, then this was cruel and unusual punishment. How could I do this to him? How could I make him think I didn’t love him after he told me he loved me first?

Because I
did
love him
, I had to repeat to myself every time I began to melt. I loved him so much I wanted him to reach his goals. I wanted him to graduate from college, get drafted into the NFL, and live out his happily ever after. He was going to accomplish every goal he ever set out to reach. I was going to make sure of it.

But my head throbbed as I drove to work. And it pounded as I started my first class. I was halfway through teaching Introduction to Literature when the door to the lecture hall burst open, slamming against the wall.

A couple girls in the room let out shrieks of terror and I nearly peed my panties as I whirled around to face the threat. I expected to see some terrorist toting a lethal-looking weapon or something equally dramatic. But what stumbled into the room was worse.

So. Much. Worse.

Clothes rumpled as if he’d slept in them, an unshaven Noel Gamble sent me a huge, sloppy grin as he tripped toward an open seat in the front row.

“Sorry I’m late, Professor.” He slurred his words badly, and the scent of a brewery punctuated the air as he passed me to collapse into his chair. “I slept in.” He held up his thumb and forefinger, holding them an inch apart, “jus’ a lil’ bit.”

I couldn’t believe my eyes. “You’re drunk,” I spat, appalled, stupefied, and frankly scared out of my mind.

Dear God, this was going to end badly. Panic gripped me, but I managed to keep it cool as I glared daggers at the man tearing my chest open in the front row.

“Shh.” He smashed his index finger against his own mouth. “I won’t tell if you don’t. It could be our lil’ secret.”

As people in the class around him tittered, having no clue what he really meant, I blanched. I could kill him for this.

Noel glanced at the girl to his right who was still giggling, and his grin widened, encouraged. “Hey, you’re kind of cute. Have we had sex before?”

Damn it. I
was
going to kill him. Right here and now.

When the girl blushed, giggled some more, and told him no, he set his hand over his heart, tsking. “Now, tha’s a damn shame. We should toe’ly hook up.” Then he glanced at me, his gaze mocking. “Tha’ okay with you...Dr. Kavanagh?”

That’s it. This was more than I could take. “
Mr. Gamble
,” I shouted, unable to control my rage. My hand shook as I pointed toward the exit. “Get out of my classroom. Right. Now.”

His drunken grin died and glassy eyes narrowed. “But I’m here to learn,
Professor
. So jus’ go ahead and teach us somethin’ useful. Like...like maybe about that Hemingway guy.” Eyebrows furrowed in thought, he shook his head. “No. Tha’s not right. Hemingway? Hathaway?
Hawthorne
!” He snapped his fingers, or at least tried to. “Yeah. Hawthorne. Why don’t you talk about his red-letter book some more, or whatever it’s called. I think I could relate to some of
those
fucked up characters.”

Jaw clenched, I bit out, “You don’t even take this class. Now leave.”

His smile was bitter and his laugh even harsher. “Wow, you really get off on coming up with new ways to get rid of me, don’t you?”

When I met his gaze, a vulnerable pain glinted from his eyes, nearly killing me. I needed him gone before I broke completely, shattering into a million pieces.

“Mr. Hamilton,” I called frantically, my lashes beating like hummingbird wings to hold back the tears. Scanning the room, I searched the sea of faces for his friend I knew who took this course. “Could you please escort your
teammate
from my room?”

“Quinn?” Noel whipped around until he saw the other guy stand up and start toward him. “Hey, Ham!” he cheered, pushing to his feet to greet his pal with a pat on the back. “I didn’t know you took this class too, bud. Why don’t you go sit back down?” He waved Quinn away. “I’m good here. I got this.”

“Come on, Noel,” Quinn said somberly.

“But I’m here to learn some literature.” When Noel resisted and tried to pull his arm out of Quinn’s grip, a couple more bulky, football-player-looking guys leapt from their seats to assist.

This time, when three guys lifted him into the air, he just smiled and pointed at the girl he’d hit on. “Hey guys, have you met my new friend here?” he asked his fellow football players. “We haven’t had sex yet but I’m sure we will.” Glancing at her over Quinn’s shoulder, he mimed a phone and pressed it to his ear. “Call me.”

I fisted my hands down at my sides, holding my breath. At the last second before his teammates propelled him from the room, he reached out and grabbed the doorjamb, like a cat refusing to go into its carrier.

“Wait!” He struggled against the players until his gaze met mine. “I came to say something to you.” Emotions boiled from the depths of his intense gaze.

My stomach knotted.

“Fuck you,” he said, gritting his teeth as if he meant every letter of those two words with everything he had. “Fuck you for being a coward and giving up. Fuck you to hell,
Dr.
Kavanagh.” He took a piece of paper from his pocket, wadded it into a ball and threw it toward me. I watched it land on the ground and knew I didn’t what to know what it said.

When the door shut, silence fell over the lecture hall. Pressing my hand to my abdomen, I turned to face my students. I’d never seen so many people so adamant to hear what I had to say next.

I opened my mouth, but no words came. Clearing my throat, I ducked my face and tried again. “Sorry for the interruption. You may be excused now.”

For a breath, no one moved. Then I lifted my eyebrows, and they suddenly couldn’t leave fast enough.

One girl was even nice enough to bend down and fetch my note for me. I took it with a stone-faced nod and curled it into my fist. After the place cleared out, I packed my briefcase and walked to my office before shutting myself inside alone. I collapsed into my chair and sat there another five minutes before I opened my hand to read the note crumpled inside.

It was another quote for my board: “You know what the crummiest feeling you can have is? To hate the person you love the best in the world.”- S.E. Hinton (from
That Was Then, This is Now
)

***

“Would 'sorry' have made any difference? Does it ever? It's just a word. One word against a thousand actions.” - Sarah Ockler,
Bittersweet

***

~NOEL~

Sober and feeling like shit, I fisted my hand and pounded on Aspen’s door. She didn’t open it until about thirty seconds after I started shouting her name at the top of my lungs.

As soon as the dead bolt sounded and it cracked open, I set my palm on the surface and started to push...until the chain caught. Glaring at it, I lifted an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Stop pounding on my door or I’ll call the police.”

I pressed my forehead against cool wood so I could see her through the small slit and wedged my fingers into the gap. Risky move, but I knew she wouldn’t smash my digits. My dick might be another matter, but my fingers seemed relatively safe. I hoped.

“Please. I just came to apologize. I’m sober now, I swear.”

“You could apologize out there just as well as you could in here.”

But I wanted to be in there. “Aspen,” I choked out, dying a little from her rejection. My eyelids squeezed together. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. Let me in. Just let me in.”

She gave a surrendering sigh. To me, it sounded like the creaking of the pearly gates as they opened to allow me entrance into Heaven. “Get your fingers out of the way, so I can unlock the dead bolt.”

I opened my eyes to consider her. She could be lying, but I decided to chance it.

“I trust you,” I whispered before I slowly slid my hand free.

The door immediately popped shut. I swallowed, fearing that was it. I was forever forbidden entrance into her home. A second passed, and I just stood there, terrified, and not sure what to do with myself now, because everything I wanted was on the other side of that door.

Then the chain rattled and my heart lurched with shock and elation.

Grabbing the handle, I turned and bulldozed my way inside.

“Hey—”

She could scowl at me in disapproval all she wanted, but I was inside. With her.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I caught her by the back of the neck to yank her against me. She didn’t get out much more than a surprised squeak before my mouth covered hers and my tongue dove deep.

One thing she’d never been able to deny me was a kiss. As I plundered, she crawled up me, clinging and digging her fingers into my hair as her nails gripped my scalp. It felt so fucking good, I slung my arm around her waist and picked her up. And as naturally as breathing, she wrapped her legs around my hips.

Anchoring her higher than me so that we had to change positions and she was the one tipping her face down, I lifted my chin to keep my mouth fused to hers. For now, that was my main goal. As soon as our lips lost contact with each other, she’d start in. She’d try to push me away. But I wouldn’t let that happen.

I spun us until I propped her spine against the wall and there I dry humped her through our clothes. The warmth between her legs spread through all the layers of cloth and hugged my dick with a dirty tease. When she whimpered and ground back against me, I groaned.

Her head slammed back, making me lose contact with her lips.

“Stop,” she breathed, even as her body rubbed against mine.

“Never.” I kissed her throat and peeled down the collar of her shirt.

She shoved at my shoulder, but I kept licking and nibbling, determined to change her mind.

“Noel. I said stop.” When she sucked in a breath, I glanced up. She’d closed her eyes and was biting her bottom lip. I knew her release was coming, so I pushed my hips harder against her, knowing I was hitting her sweet spot, dead on target. In mere seconds, she’d be breaking apart in my arms.

“No,” she moaned, even as she started to come.

“Yes,” I hissed right back, watching her face as she fell apart in my arms. She fought it, thrashing her head back and forth. But I could tell just how hard it hit her when she cried out and strained against me, seeking what she knew I could give her. She took it all, and was left panting and limp when she came back down from her peak. Finally cracking her lashes open, she gazed at me from glassy, dazed eyes.

“You. Are. Mine,” I told her. “I don’t care how many times you break up with me or how many other men you try to take on a date. I don’t care how wrong we are for each other. I don’t care that I’ll never be good enough for you or that we’re risking everything to be together. Your mother would never approve. Whatever. Fuck it all. You are fucking
mine
. And I’m yours. And we belong together.”

“No,” she whispered.

“Damn it.” Fisting my hand, I pounded the wall next to us. “Yes!”

She jumped, and a tear slid down her cheek. “Noel, stop. Please.
Stop
. I don’t want this.
I don’t want this
.”

She wasn’t shoving at my shoulders anymore, but the glazed loss and defeat in her watery eyes undid me.

“Fuck,” I whispered. I stopped pinning her hips to the wall and pressed my forehead to hers.

She unwound her legs from me and touched her toes to the floor before sliding down, probably to escape me. But I went with her, keeping our brows pressed together. Once she was sitting and I was kneeling in front of her, she let out a small sob.

Jesus.

“I’m sorry,” I croaked. “Jesus, God, I’m so sorry. I know I crossed the line. So many lines. I know I went way past guy-fighting-for-his-girl and straight into harassment territory last night when I text bombed you, even though I’m still pissed at you for going anywhere with him. How I responded was uncalled for and just...fucked up. And today in class. Today was even worse. I know that. And then just now...” Cold hard dread settled in me as I realized what I’d actually done just now. “I forced you to—”

I couldn’t even admit it aloud. But oh, God. I was no better than Zach was. The very idea made me sick.

Scared as fuck of what I was capable of, I stumbled away from her. She must’ve sensed how close I was to completely losing my shit, because she looked at me, and even with her lashes clogged with tears that I’d made fall, she still had the compassion to reassure me. “You didn’t force me, Noel. Not at all.”

I still felt like shit, though. So, I bowed my head, trying to combat the nausea. It didn’t help matters when she added, “But I do need you to go.”

I winced. “I am more sorry than you can ever imagine. Aspen...please.”

She didn’t answer.

I wasn’t forgiven.

“Fuck,” I said a little louder this time.

When she sniffed and covered her mouth with her hands, I sat on my haunches to watch teardrop after teardrop stream down her face. I’d hurt her, and I hated that. She had every right to hurt me back, to never forgive me.

Realizing this was it; she wasn’t going to let me in again, I surged to my feet and grabbed my hair with both hands.

Deep in my chest, my soul disintegrated as I heaved in a choked gasp for breath. It might’ve sounded like a goddamn sob, but fuck. Whatever.

She watched me for a second before she hugged her folded legs, squeezed her eyes closed, and dug her face into her knees.

“Aspen.” When another pussy-sounding sob tore from me, I pressed my hand to my chest, trying to push everything back in. But nothing worked. All the pain, and fear, and desperation of losing her spilled out. “I don’t know how to do this,” I confessed, shaking my head back and forth. “I don’t know how to give you up. I love you.”