To Love (3 page)

Gritting his teeth, Shaun strode into the kitchen and grabbed his laptop, along with several sheets of paper that were spread out on the table. Then he ran upstairs to pack a small bag.

He needed to get away from her, at least for a while. The distance would keep him from going back there and fucking her until she changed her mind. But that would be foolish. It wasn't just sex to her, not anymore. It was more than sex to him, too, but she couldn't know that.

He couldn't give her hope, only to crush it later. She was the one woman he never wanted to hurt. And the only way to prevent that from happening was to back off. Maybe it was time for him to leave Dreara for good, to move on before he caused too much damage. He was a few chapters away from finishing his novel. Then there would be no reason to remain in this town. If he had to be honest with himself, the one thing keeping him here now was her.

He zipped his bag and slung it over his shoulder. What was the point? He couldn't have her now if he wanted to. Maybe he should be relieved. At least he wouldn’t have to suffer through the guilt that came with keeping a dark secret from her.

He climbed into his truck and drove to Limmery. He'd spend a few days there while he decided what to do next.

The distance between them didn't change a thing. In the silence of his hotel room, Shaun still smelled Kelsey's perfume. When he closed his eyes, he could fool himself into believing she was right there next to him. Just as it had been with Carmen for years after she died. He had smelled her everywhere too, even in prison.

On the bed, with his hands clasped above his head, he gazed up at the ceiling and wondered what she could be doing. A part of him wished she was watching his cottage through her window, wondering when he'd return. He wasn't sure when, or if he'd ever be ready to go back. In fact, he'd been toying all day with the idea of going back to the United States. It would be running, but did he have any other choice? Staying and knowing they couldn't be together would be torture for both of them. Why take the chance?

A relationship was not in the cards. Relationships meant honesty. In order to be with someone, he had to bear his soul. Out of the question. If Kelsey found out what he lived with every day, what he was really capable of, she'd end up leaving him anyway. Better to just end things now and move on.

His cell phone vibrated next to him, and on instinct, his heart leapt. It sank again when he saw Garrett's name on the screen.

"Call in the morning," he said to his brother. "I'm not in the mood to talk."

"Where are you? I called your house phone and no one picked up."

Shaun groaned with frustration. "Maybe I didn't want to pick up. Like I said, I don't want to talk."

"Don't be an ass. I'm your brother and you will talk to me. You sound the way you do when you're in a ditch. What's going on? Why didn't you return my calls?"

"Garrett," Shaun said through clenched teeth, "this is a bad time, okay?"

"Is it to do with the neighbor? Kelsey is her name, right? You guys still together? Tell me more about her. Come on, you know you want to."

She's amazing and doesn't deserve a guy like me.
"There's nothing to tell. I'm planning on coming home."

"Really?" Instead of surprise, concern laced Garrett’s voice. "Why? No, let me guess. Kelsey wants more and you refuse to give it to her?"

"Relationships are not my thing. You know that."

"They used to be." Garrett paused. "You know what you're doing? You're still punishing yourself. Falling in love is a chance for you to heal, and you're resisting it. Don't you think it's time?"

"Time for?" Shaun rubbed his eyes.

"To allow yourself to be happy again? This Kelsey could be your only chance."

"She doesn't know everything about me, Garrett. She only knows about the night of the accident, nothing else."

"Then tell her, dammit."

"She might not understand. She might walk away. I'd probably walk away if I were her."

"The only advice I can give you is to give her a chance to decide that for herself. You did something you already paid the price for, many times over. If she chooses to walk away after you tell her, then it wasn't meant to be. But don't be a coward."

Shaun hung up soon after that, but Garrett's words tormented him all night.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Shaun guided Carmen into the house. He pulled off her shoes and laid her on the bed.

"I'll be right back, sweetheart." He leaned her cane against the bed within her reach, even though she refused to use it, refused to accept her blindness.

Back outside, Shaun paid the cab driver and removed Carmen's bags from the trunk.

When he went back to their room, Carmen was no longer there, and neither was her cane. A small table was knocked over, and pieces of the ceramic vase that had stood on it were scattered around it. She had clearly been trying to get to the bathroom.

The door was locked, and on the other side the water was running. Shaun pressed his ear to the door and listened. Between the rush of water, he heard her sobs. The anguish inside him grew hotter, searing his heart.

He stumbled to the bed, heaving, as if his air supply had been cut off. He was responsible for her pain. How would they make it through the next few minutes, days, months, years? How would he be able to hold his wife's head above water when he couldn't keep himself from drowning?

Kelsey was about to leave the house to get pizza from the restaurant across the street when she heard Shaun's truck pull up. She closed the door again and waited for the faint squeak of his gate, and then the distant thump of his front door closing. She was not ready to see him yet. She had to stay away as much as she could. Seeing him again would just set her back. It had been two days, and she was still smarting from their farewell.

Convinced that enough time had passed, she opened the door and hurried down the path and out of her gate. She climbed into her car. She would go to The Hot Pot for dinner instead.

Just as she turned on the engine, someone knocked on the passenger window, and her heart jumped to her throat. She sighed when she saw it was Maeve, waving a Chinese takeaway bag in front of her.

Kelsey had totally forgotten that they had made plans to have dinner tonight. The night Kelsey parted ways with Shaun, she had confided in Maeve.

Kelsey killed the engine. At least with Maeve there, she wouldn't be sitting around wondering what Shaun was doing next door. Maybe he was packing the rest of his things, preparing to leave for good, to return to the past he couldn't leave behind.

Let him go
, she thought. Love didn't have to be so hard. And love or not, she would make damn sure she didn't fall back into the habit of falling into bed with him.

Tonight she would have dinner with her friend, and take her first steps toward forgetting him.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Four months after Carmen was released from hospital, the pains began. Pain that woke her in the dead of night and refused to relinquish its grip.

"The painkillers are not working anymore," Carmen closed her eyes, her face scrunched up in agony.

Shaun wiped the sweat off her brow with a cool facecloth. "I think we should tell Dr. Marcel about this. There could be a simple explanation."

"What if there isn't?" She took a breath and opened her eyes. "What if the accident damaged something else? I can't handle any more bad news, Shaun."

"We'll never know unless we ask a doctor."

Another cramp assailed Carmen, and she drew her knees to her chest, her face crimson. When the pain subsided, she asked him to escort her to the bathroom, where she threw up the contents of her stomach until only bile was left.

The next day, she gave in and agreed to let Shaun take her to the emergency room.

During the next weeks, Carmen was in and out of the hospital as doctors carried out an endless list of tests: imaging tests, endoscopies, blood tests, and biopsies.

With every x-ray and scan, every prick of the phlebotomy needle into Carmen's arm, Shaun watched his wife come unglued. And he couldn't do a damn thing about it.

Shaun thought he heard the doorbell. He peered at his cell phone. Four a.m. He had to be dreaming. He flicked the phone off again and closed his eyes. Then he heard it again, more persistent this time. With a groan, he rolled out of bed and went downstairs. Who would try to visit him at this hour?

He opened the door to see Kelsey standing there, wrapped in a blanket, hair messy and eyes wild.

The blood drained from his face. He'd never seen her look so scared. "Kelsey, what's going on?"

"You have to come," she said, her voice in pieces. "I know you might not want to do this, but there's a fire at Conaire's Corner. The pub is burning down, and so are the two restaurants attached to it. Brian needs volunteers. Please come and help, Shaun." She pulled the patchwork blanket tighter around her body as her eyes pleaded with him.

She was the only person who knew he had been a firefighter in his past life. Now she was once again asking him to go back to something he had left behind. But he didn't have a choice this time. He knew what to do and he had to help. He wouldn't make tonight one of his regrets. If someone died, he would not be able to forgive himself.

"Let's go." He pulled his coat from a hook on the back of the door and pulled it on.

Less than a minute later, they climbed into his truck. He drove cautiously, incapable of speeding even if he wanted to. The last time he had, it had taken too much from him.

"Please hurry." Kelsey clutched at his arm.

"I'm doing the best I can." Her hand on his arm wasn't helping him focus.

He saw the orange flames and smelled the smoke minutes before they arrived. He parked a safe distance from the inferno and hopped out of the truck. "Stay here," he said to Kelsey. "In case there's an explosion." He didn't stay long enough to see if Kelsey agreed.

His heart thumping, he wove his way through the throng of shocked people littering the pavement. Some were crying, some just stood there with their hands covering their mouths. Some drew their loved ones close.

Shaun darted toward one of the fire trucks. A uniformed Drearan firefighter was just climbing out.

"Do you have an extra uniform?" Shaun asked.

The man raised his eyebrows. "Keep the crowd away from the fire?"

"I can do more than that. I'm a firefighter by profession."

"Is that so?" The man squinted at him, his face lit by the flames.

Shaun’s patience began to thin. "Do you need extra men or not? I was a firefighter in the United States."

The man looked from Shaun to the flames and then back again. He shrugged and pulled a uniform from the truck. He tossed it at Shaun. "Thanks."

Shaun pulled on his uniform and pushed through the crowd. For a moment he felt as if he were back in Serendipity doing the job he loved, the job he'd had to give up as payment for what he'd done. To hell with the past. What mattered right now was making sure everyone was safe. With only that in mind, he disappeared into the flames. The moment he stepped inside Conaire's Corner, part of the roof collapsed.

Kelsey stayed in the truck as Shaun had asked, twisting her hands in her lap and watching the red-orange flames lick the night sky. She prayed no one was inside, but Conaire's Corner was a well-visited pub. Luckily she'd convinced Shaun to help. For a moment there he'd looked as if he would refuse. Thank God he hadn’t.

She watched as he ran into the building, the flames engulfing him as if they had been waiting to eat him up. Then the roof collapsed, and she couldn't stay in the truck. She flung the door open and ran screaming toward the pub. A policeman caught her before she got too close.

"Stay back, love."

Kelsey wrestled with him. "Let me go." Tears streamed down her cheeks. "That's my... My neighbor went in there. He could be hurt. The roof—"

"I said stay back." His voice was firm. "Let us do our job." The man let her go, but she could see from his pinched expression that he was worried. As they watched, the roof of the restaurant to the right of Conaire's Corner also collapsed, sending sparks floating to the sky.

Kelsey screamed along with many others, and clapped her trembling hands over her mouth. "No!"

The policeman left her and went to stop more people from getting too close.

Kelsey rubbed her face with the palm of her hand, feeling the heat even from where she stood. Her heart was up in her throat. She couldn't stay here and do nothing. She couldn't just watch and hope. She needed to do something. But what? She couldn't follow Shaun into the fire. As much as she was scared to death, she had to stay put. She returned to where the truck was parked and sank down onto the pavement, her head in her hands, praying that he was fine. She sank so much into her prayer that it took a moment for her to hear the cheers erupting behind her. She twisted her upper body to see what was going on. A tall man was emerging from the building, carrying something. Someone.

She watched the man lower the person onto a stretcher and brought her hands to her lips, still in silent prayer.

The fireman straightened again and lifted the helmet from his head. It was Shaun.

Her whole body shook as she shot to her feet and stumbled forward, ready to fling herself into his arms, but then she halted. This would be an emotional time for him. He had done something that reminded him of his past. There was no way of knowing how he would react to her jumping into his arms. And besides, they were trying to keep at a distance from each other.

So she swallowed her relief and returned to the truck, leaning against it. She'd wait for him.

In silence, she watched as more people—hopefully not bodies—were brought out of the fire and tended to, and then as the flames were killed, leaving behind a thick cloud of smoke that made most of the people watching cough and gasp for air. She watched as Shaun approached a fire truck, shook another fireman's hand, and climbed out of his gear. He handed it back and walked toward her, looking like he’d just seen a ghost.

He said nothing as he climbed behind the wheel. She stole a quick glance at his soot-covered face and bit her tongue. He'd speak when he was ready.

"No one died," he said as he started the engine. His voice was different, hoarse, as if he'd inhaled too much smoke. "Most people were out in time."

"That's good." Kelsey wanted to add that she was glad he was all right too. But she didn't.

They drove home in silence, and when they stood in front of her gate, she asked him inside. The fear of him being hurt had changed something inside her. She still cared for him, and didn't want to let go. The urge to keep him close was so strong it made her dizzy.

"I can't. I'm sorry."

"I just want to make us some tea."

He sighed, and even though it was night she could see his eyes darken. "I want to go take a shower." He paused and gazed at his cottage. "I want to be alone, okay?"

Kelsey nodded and raised her hand to the doorknob. Then she let it drop again. She turned and folded her arms across her chest, her throat tight. "Shaun, I'm trying to be a friend. I know what you did back there couldn't have been easy. I'm pretty sure it took you back to the worst time of your life. I'm just trying to be nice. But you're being rude right now. I thought maybe we could make this work...be friends again, only friends. I thought you could use one, especially tonight." She shook her head. "But I didn't sign up for this."

"I don't think we can ever be just friends. You know it as much as I do. Why don't you just leave me alone, Kelsey? I told you from the start I was damaged. I can't be fixed. I gave you a chance to walk away. Why are you still here?"

"I don't know." She did her best to keep the tears at bay. "Actually, you’re full of shit. I don't deserve this. I don't deserve to be treated like a pain in the ass when I'm just trying to help." She gave a sarcastic laugh. "Tonight, when you entered that burning building, I couldn't breathe. I was scared to death for you. Because... Because I care about you." She was crying now. "But I'm tired. I'm done caring. Fine, I want to end this, whatever it is, right now. I'm heeding your advice. I'm walking away. Don't call me, don't knock on my door. And when we bump into each other, don't bother talking to me. Goodbye, Shaun. Try to have a good life."

She left him standing there, his hands in his pockets, his mouth half open.

Inside her cottage, she didn't bother turning on the light. She went straight to bed and cried herself to sleep. Let him think she didn't care, even if it killed her to break things off. Shaun would never heal enough to love her in the way she craved. She had to walk away now, while her heart was still somewhat intact.