To Love (2 page)

A white chef's uniform was laid out for Kelsey in the ladies' changing room when she arrived.

After being introduced to the other members of staff, she got a tour of the kitchen. In addition to the usual utensils, on the stations were pitchers of oil for sautéing, and wine for deglazing and thinning sauces. Cups of salt and pepper, tongs, clean cloths, and knives for slicing, mincing, boning, and trimming meat stood at the ready.

A dose of adrenaline rushed through Kelsey's veins.

She was just scanning a copy of The Hot Pot's hygiene guidelines, which were similar to the ones she'd seen in her classes, when a waitress called out the first dinner orders and she was left standing in the middle of the kitchen floor as everyone raced to their stations.

Lucy appeared at her side. "You will start with preparing desserts and salads." She touched Kelsey's arm. "Don't be nervous. We're all here to help you."

That evening, Kelsey prepared various salads—Caesar, herbed spinach, vegetable, and green—and portioned puddings, cakes, and fruit desserts.

The hours flew by until finally, calm replaced the storm. Kelsey wiped her forehead on her sleeve. She was exhausted and exhilarated. When the dinner guests started trickling out, Lucy sent her home.

There were still traces of adrenaline flowing through Kelsey's veins, but all she wanted to do now was go home, have a bath, and crawl into bed. It had been a long day, spent half at The Academy and half at The Hot Pot, but she'd loved every second of it.

Just as she was about to climb into bed, there was a knock at the door.

Shaun.

"You can't sleep yet." He raised a bottle of champagne between them. "You need to celebrate."

Kelsey's throat tightened with emotion but she resisted being carried away. It didn't have to mean anything. "How can I say no to that?" She stepped aside.

Inside, Shaun uncorked the bottle, but didn't drink the champagne. He told her alcohol clouded his mind and made him do things he regretted.

Kelsey drank one glass and placed it, empty, on the coffee table. "That was nice. Thank you." Feeling relaxed in his presence, she stretched out on the couch with a sigh, and closed her eyes.

"You're welcome." Suddenly, she inhaled the mint on his breath, felt its warmth on her skin. When she opened her eyes, she saw liquid desire smoldering in his.

Never good at resisting him, she reached for him and he lowered his hard body on top of hers. Her senses leapt with excitement. As his tongue explored the recesses of her mouth, she forgot about all the things he couldn't offer her beyond the bedroom. She stopped thinking about the pain he would leave behind when they parted. It didn't matter now. Now he was hers. She would take the little moments as they came, absorb all the passion that was released as their mouths met, their tongues tangled, and their breaths mingled. He pulled up her sweater and released her breasts from her bra, then palmed them with warm hands while his erection pushed against her body, begging to be set free. She closed her eyes again and drifted off to a place where only they existed. He undressed both of them, stealing kisses as he removed pieces of clothing.

Mere seconds passed while he slid on a condom and lifted her off the couch, moving her to the nearby wall. Pressing her against it, he slid into her, fitting perfectly as he always did. She bit her lip so hard it hurt as he rammed into her, pulled out almost completely, and buried himself in her again. Kelsey moaned and allowed herself to drown in a cocktail of pleasure and pain. It was quick, raw, desperate, and satisfying. When he squeezed her butt and buried his sweaty face into the hollow of her neck, she knew he was about to come, and it turned her on so much that explosive currents raced through her, drugging her.

He pushed into her one more time and stilled, breathing heavily, then pushed again, harder, and stilled. At the third push, he groaned, and the sound vibrated through her whole body, and she came too, holding on to him for support, her orgasm sending blood surging from her fingertips to her toes.

They stood there for a long time afterward, with him still filling her up, his face still buried in her neck, her fingers in his damp hair. When he pulled out and lowered her to the floor, she knew what would come next, the price she would always have to pay for pleasure. While they dressed, she refused to look at him, avoiding the pain that mixed with remnants of passion, the guilt that came before he walked away.

And just like every time, he did. Just like every time, she cried, sinking back into the misery he left behind. How long would she settle for nothing? Perhaps it was wiser to look past what he did to her body, and focus on the damage he caused to her heart.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

The day Carmen woke up from the coma, Shaun was home. The doctor had convinced him to go and get some rest. All he did was shower, and when he walked back into the bedroom, the phone was ringing. Before he could pick up, the call ended. Caller ID told him it was the hospital, and his blood went cold. He lived in constant fear that Carmen's condition would worsen, that she would slip away without waking up. Without a goodbye.

He sank down onto the bed and returned the call.

"Mr. Brannon, your wife is awake." Dr. Marcel's tone was neutral, delivering the news and nothing else.

"I'm on my way." Shaun ended the call and dressed in seconds, his heart nearly exploding inside his chest. Over a month of waiting—a month of hoping and fearing—and she was back.

The excitement ebbed when his cab pulled up in front of Serendipity Memorial. The same question that had plagued him for weeks plopped into his mind, and panic welled up in his throat. How much of his wife would return to him?

***

Doctor Marcel stopped Shaun before he could enter Carmen's room.

"Mr. Brannon, we should talk."

Everything about the doctor’s posture told Shaun something was wrong. His normally stooped shoulders were even more hunched, and he had a deep furrow between his eyebrows.

Shaun swallowed as he followed Dr. Marcel into an empty waiting room. The doctor pointed to a chair, but Shaun shook his head.

He took a deep breath, trying to hold his raw emotions in check. "What's wrong with my wife? You said she was awake."

Doctor Marcel cleared his throat. "She is. But the damage to her brain was more extensive than we expected."

Shaun dropped into a chair then and gripped the sides so hard his knuckles whitened. "How extensive?"

Doctor Marcel sat down too. "Extensive enough to cause blindness. Your wife lost her sight, Mr. Brannon, and I'm afraid it could be permanent." He paused. "But she's alive."

Invisible lightning struck Shaun's chest, and he found it suddenly hard to breathe. He dropped his head into his hands, the pressure behind his eyes unbearable.

Dr. Marcel touched Shaun’s back. "I'm sorry, Mr. Brannon. I can imagine how hard this is...for both of you. Your wife needs you. She's been asking for you."

Shaun looked up, his eyes wet. "Thank you, Doctor. I'll see her now." Yes, he'd see her, but she would never see him again.

When Shaun entered Carmen's room with a forced smile on his face, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring straight at him. For a moment he thought she could see him, that the diagnosis had been a mistake. But her gaze was distant. His sliver of hope thinned to nothing the longer he watched her.

He went to her side and hugged her tightly. "Baby, welcome back. I love you so much."

She pulled away and curled up on the bed, her hands wedged between her thighs. "I can't see you." Tears trickled down her cheek. "The accident... I can't see."

"We'll get through this." Shaun cried silently, hoping she wouldn't notice. "It will all be all right."

"No," she said. "It won't. My life is over."

Kelsey exited The Hot Pot kitchen carrying a serving tray.

One of the waitresses was sick and she had offered to step in, even though working in the kitchen was her passion. The hotter, louder, greasier, and more hectic it got, the more she felt at home. A real restaurant kitchen was a fast-paced environment. It could be stressful at times, but it also brought her closer to the person she wanted to become. She didn't even mind that her hands constantly smelled of garlic. It was a small price to pay for getting her life back.

She approached a table where four heavily made-up women sat, roaring with laughter at something said by the pretty, petite redhead in a tight pink sweater.

Kelsey placed a meal in front of each woman. Not one of them bothered to thank her. But before she turned to walk away, the redhead tapped her arm.

"I heard it's your turn now." She gave Kelsey a tight smile.

Kelsey blinked and raised an eyebrow. "My turn? I don't understand.”

The other three women burst out laughing again, but the redhead didn't. Something in her brown eyes sent a chill down Kelsey's spine.

"You don't understand? Well, let me explain." Her upper lip curled. "I mean...I heard it's your turn to ride the Greek god." She laughed at her own words. "You know, Shaun, your neighbor? I heard you two have something going."

Kelsey hugged the empty tray to her body. They had tried to be so discreet. Apart, of course, from their public kiss at the farmer's market. But that was a while ago. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"She doesn't know what you're talking about, Branna," the woman sitting next to her scoffed and giggled. She looked drunk. "I say you better explain."

Heat rose up Kelsey's neck. If these women thought they were going to amuse themselves at her expense, they had another thing coming. "Branna," she said in a clipped voice. "I don't know who you are, or what you want from me. If you've said all you need to say, I'll return to my job now." Kelsey took a step back and turned to walk away.

"Enjoy it while it lasts," Branna called to Kelsey's retreating back. "He'll soon get bored and move on to some other stupid girl who thinks she's a lucky bitch. Oh, do tell him Branna says hi. He knows who I am."

Kelsey swung open the door to the kitchen, pretending she hadn’t heard. Before their “friends with benefits” arrangement, Shaun had slept with a few women in town. Kelsey knew that. She had often wondered when she would bump into one of his one-night stands.

"Ignore her." Lucy patted Kelsey on the back. "There are people who try to make others feel insecure in order to feel better about themselves." Lucy gave her a small smile and walked out of the kitchen, balancing three plates on each of her arms.

Kelsey wondered if Lucy suspected there was something between her and Shaun, if she wasn't fooled by their friendship either. If she knew, she never said a word.

As Kelsey refilled her tray with salads, her heart deflated. Branna's words had left a mark. She was nothing more than a warm body to Shaun. And if he wanted to, he could switch her out for another. Other than hot sex, nothing fundamental held them together. Sooner or later he would want to move on.

***

Back at her cottage, Kelsey found Shaun standing at her doorstep, leaning against the front door. Branna's words popped back into her mind and a knot formed in her stomach. Those words had caused something to break inside of her. She had been okay—if unsatisfied—with their arrangement, until today. Watching him, she asked herself how long they could do this. Once again, she felt used and humiliated.

"Hi." He pushed away from the door, and she unlocked it.

"Want to come in?" she asked, the words she used every time he showed up unannounced.

Shaun gave her the look that never failed to melt her, the one that undressed her before his hands did. "If I'm invited in."

Kelsey sighed and averted her gaze. She entered the cottage. "Sure." She removed her coat and dropped her purse on the dining room table, where she stood facing away from him. Then his body was behind her, his arms around her, his breath on the side of her neck.

"You okay?" he whispered into her ear.

Kelsey thought of saying yes, but it would be a lie. She turned around and faced him. He didn't step back. Instead, he wrapped his arms around her neck and lowered his lips to hers. Kelsey turned at the last second and his kiss landed on her cheek instead, scorching it.

Shaun cupped her cheek with his warm hand and turned her to face him. "Kelsey, what's going on? Are you upset about something?"

Kelsey swallowed the lump inside her throat and looked him square in the eyes. "I don't know. I have no reason to be, right?" She shook her head. "But I am upset."

Shaun's forehead wrinkled. "Did something happen at work?" Kelsey dropped her gaze but he lifted her chin again. He squinted. "What's going on?"

Kelsey shrugged. "Someone said something that got me thinking, that's all." She chewed the corner of her lip, wishing she didn't have to do this. This man was everything she craved, and she wanted nothing more than to let him make love to her right now. Her body screamed, but her mind resisted. She had to do what was right for her whole being. "I'm not sure I can do this anymore."

Shaun's hand dropped from her face and he took a step back. Confusion replaced the desire in his eyes. "This? You mean us?"

"That's the problem, Shaun. There is no us. I—"

"You were fine with this from the start. You knew how I felt about dating...about relationships. You said you were okay with this. No strings attached, remember?"

"I thought I was." Kelsey sank into a chair and dropped her chin into her hands. "I think...I lied. To you and to myself."

A curtain of silence fell between them.

"So, what do you want, Kelsey?"

She wrapped her arms around herself. She was afraid. But she had to say it, had to try. "Shaun, I want more. I know you're not in the position to give me that. And I understand. I know your past won't let you move on. But you can't heal if you don't open yourself up...give yourself that chance to get better."

Shaun shoved his hands into his pockets. "What does that mean?" His voice was hard now.

"I told you I'll be there for you. I'll listen. But you refuse to talk to me anymore. I want to help you, but you won't let me. You say you want to be friends, but you keep pushing me away."

"I'm not ready. Kelsey, I'm not sure I'll ever get to the place you want me to be."

Kelsey took a breath. "I guess there's nothing more to say, then." She dropped her gaze to the floor. "Let's be...nothing more."

"Okay," Shaun said. With blurred vision, she watched his feet step away from the table.

She followed him to the door, but before she could shut him out, his foot wedged itself in the opening. She opened the door again and gazed into his eyes, the grey in them reminding her yet again of a stormy sky.

"This is not what you want." He slipped through the door and slammed it shut with his foot.

Hypnotized by him, Kelsey couldn't move, couldn't talk, couldn't breathe. She stayed glued to the spot until he swept her into his arms and off her feet.

She didn't fight him. He carried her up the stairs and into her bedroom, the room that had been the scene of so much of their lovemaking.

He lowered her onto the bed and the springs squeaked when he sat down next to her. For a moment, he stopped doing anything, as if the energy had seeped out of him, as if it suddenly dawned on him that the reason she was not responding was that she had meant every word. He sighed and covered his face with his hands.

Kelsey sat up. She wanted to remain strong, to stand her ground, to tell him to leave. Instead she reached out and buried her fingers in his hair, then traced her fingertips along his warm scalp. She drew herself onto her knees and kissed the back of his neck.

Shaun tensed and then turned to face her. With one hand supporting the nape of her neck, he eased her down onto the bed and touched her lips with his, while he reached down to unzip her jeans. She pushed down his jeans along with his boxer shorts, and gasped as she felt his hardness against her hand.

Shaun sat up, removed a condom from his pocket, and stepped out of his jeans. He slipped it on, and then he was on top of her again.

Without bothering to remove their sweaters, he pushed her legs apart with his knees and lowered his muscular body on top of her, transferring his warmth to her. It took Kelsey a moment to catch her breath, and then he pushed into her. She cried out, the sound jagged in her throat. She moaned and he groaned as he ground into her, pushing, pulling, gyrating. Filling her and emptying her all at once. He sucked and nipped at her lips, leaving them raw.

He stopped kissing her and said in a whisper that shattered her, "You can't do this, Kelsey." He withdrew completely from her then. "You can't want more than this. This is good." He thrust into her again, so hard it pushed Kelsey to the edge. Then he stopped, leaving his cock throbbing inside her. "I want this, you want this. Why can't we just keep it that way?"

She blinked away the tears blurring her eyes. He would never get it, would he? How could he not love her when he made her feel this way? How could he not feel what she felt? How could he remain unblemished by the fire they created?

No words would change his mind, so she said nothing. The long, brittle silence filled the space between them, punctuated by the sound of their ragged breathing.

Shaun's expression tightened and he lowered his face, his sweat mingling with hers. "Do you want me to stop?" His whisper was like a feather against her lips.

"No." She wanted him to finish what he'd started. It would be the last time he was inside her. This would have to be goodbye. Her body arched toward his, urging him to make love to her again. Empty love.

He started moving against her again, fanning the flames of passion. He didn't stop as he said goodbye to her, stretching her, breaking her, mending her, and then breaking her all over again. His cock thickened even more as it pounded inside her.

Then he tightened his arms around her. And together they burst into flames, the fire melting their moans, their sighs, her screams.

After it was over, Kelsey opened her eyes, still gasping for breath. "Please leave," she said to him. "Please... just go."

He shook his head, confusion darkening his expression. "Kelsey, don't..." He ran a hand through his hair and his jaw tensed. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." She turned the other way, her chest aching.

Without another word, Shaun dressed and walked out.

It was over.

Kelsey didn't move until she heard the front door open and then slam shut. He was gone. The man she wanted so much, the man she thought could be the one, didn't even try to fight for her. He didn't even want to consider some kind of future with her. He'd chosen to leave, and he would every time. She had finally lost the little piece of him she had clung to.

She allowed herself to cry for him. He'd been gone for less than five minutes and it already felt as if a part of her was missing. She might never meet another man who made her feel the way he did. Unless it wasn't really love. Maybe she only wanted him, needed him because he was unreachable.