To Fall (The To Fall Trilogy Book 1) (26 page)

38

Xander

She didn’t speak and silently I cursed myself for saying it too soon. I couldn’t breathe, believing I had misjudged her, made a horrible mistake. Disappointment crashed over me as I looked into her eyes. I searched her face for anything to tell me I was wrong. There was nothing.

My world stopped and my chest hollowed. Those six words had just ended me. My shoulders slumped, looking away from Abby. I should apologize. What a ridiculous notion to say that you were sorry for loving someone, for speaking those words, but I was desperate to hold onto her.

Closing my eyes, I opened my mouth to speak, but the words had lodged in my throat. My mind swirled with the ramifications of what this meant and I was left in a clouded abyss of despair.

Taking me by surprise, her lips crushed mine. Abby gripped fistfuls of my hair and pushed against me. Her heart hammered in her chest and I focused my gift to slow down the rapid rhythm as I did every time I kissed her. She may not have said the words back to me, but her kiss was full of desire. I clung to a ray of hope that I wouldn’t be lost. That she could save me.

Responding to her the only way I knew how, I threw myself around her. Silky tendrils of her ponytail brushed against my arms. Long, sexy legs cinched my hips, skin soft as satin cooled against mine. The way Abby moved her tongue was a sweet seduction, teasing me, and I imagined all the things her tongue could do.

I had been fighting it all damn day from the moment the word “bikini” left those pouty lips, and had lost the battle more than once, but with her straddling me, I was done. The desperate voice in my head had been silenced and my body took over. My hips rose to meet hers in a gentle rocking motion, currents of pleasure waved through me, throbbing at our point of contact.

Never in my existence did I believe a human could be my undoing, until now. I would crumble and succumb to her, let her disarm me, if only to have a glimpse of her heart, a piece of her. I wanted all of her, but if this was all she could give me, I would hold that gift with precious care and cherish it for eternity.

Without commanding them to, my hands cupped her supple, firm breasts. My lips drifted down the column of her throat, chest, along the arc of her swells, then over the pebbled fabric of her bikini. With a silent plea for more, she arched into my mouth.

My hands gripped her backside, thrusting up again. A noise escaped her, a quiet moan driving me to hear more, to undo her as she had me, to hear my name on her lips. The world halted and faded by untamed passion burning between us.

Thoughts entered to rip away what little barrier lay between our bodies, to feel her against me, and bury myself inside her warmth and stay there, linked with her. Our bodies as one. How very foolish I was a moment ago to believe a piece of her would ever be enough. It would never be enough. I wanted to be worthy of all of her. Mind. Heart. Soul.

Abby shoved off me, grimaced, and clutched at her chest, gasping for air. Panicked, I laid her down and threw my hand over her scar to heal her. Her hummingbird heart slowed and relaxed, breaths came deeper as she found my eyes. Once I knew her heart was calm, I sat away from her and held my head in my hands. I did that to her and had no idea it was happening. I let myself lose focus and put her in danger because I couldn’t control myself.

“Abby. I…I’m sorry. I didn’t bring you here for this. I’m sorry.” That might have been a half-truth. Okay, it was a bold-faced lie.

Two small arms wrapped around me and her lips went to my shoulder. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”

“No, you don’t understand. It’s my fault.”

“It’s my heart that’s the problem. I thought I was getting better at this. I was doing great up until the end there. I don’t know what happened.”

I couldn’t let her take the guilt for this. Peeking at her, I needed to see the horror on her face when I told her what little I had the courage to. “You actually weren’t doing great the whole time. Most of the time.” I breathed out, “All of it really.”

Her brows knitted together. “What do you mean?”

I winced. “I need to confess something, but I don’t want you to freak out and run out of here.”

Even though she must have been frustrated, her voice was patient. “I can’t run remember and you have me in the middle of nowhere on a mountain. I can’t even walk out of here.”

With a deep breath, knowing she would demand to leave, I said, “I’m sure you’ve noticed I have the ability to help you when you have...an episode?” I searched for the right word.

Abby’s nose crinkled. “No, that makes me sound crazy.”

“Okay. An attack?”

She gave a hesitant nod. “Better.”

“Well, what you don’t know is, when I’m touching you and concentrating, I’m controlling you, your heart. That’s why you’ve been able to dance, go to the zoo, swim at the water park, and…practice.”

Her head tilted toward mine. “What happened on my birthday and now? You were touching me both times.”

“Yes, but I wasn’t concentrating. I was…being a guy. I’m sorry.”

She looked to her hand. “The cut on my palm?”

I kept my eyes focused on the fire pit.

She whispered, “My ankle?” There was a question in her tone, but she knew. It was all me.

I gnashed my molars together. I had already said far too much.

Abby sat back and slumped against the cushion. “So…when you’re with me you have to pull double duty?”

Wait, why wasn’t she screaming at me, hitting me with a pillow, and running away? Her only thoughts were shame and the fear of being a burden? “No. Not…all the time. But, mostly…yes.”

“Oh.” She blinked. Thoughts whirled in those brown eyes that I couldn’t read. “I want to see for myself. I want to know what happens when you don’t help me.”

My gut churned with unease. I never expected her to ask this of me. “I don’t want to, Abby. It’s dangerous.”

Sitting forward, she gripped my bicep. “Please?” As much as I knew I should have said no, the pleading in her eyes broke me, it always would.

I sighed. “Brace yourself.”

Abby’s eyes widened with my warning. I pulled her into my lap again, knowing what would happen and how fast. I had to force myself against healing her—which pained me—I was torturing one of God’s purest Creations on purpose. In moments, she panted and the strain of her heart couldn’t keep up with her. She pushed off me again and I healed her.

“Holy crap,” she panted out.

“I know. I must be pretty spectacular.” The humor failed. She was still too overwhelmed. “Are you okay?”

Abby’s head shook. “No, I mean, yes. How—”

I put my lips to hers, stopping the question. “How I have this gift is not as important as why I use it. I’m in love with you, Abby, and have been for some time. Every moment I have with you is a blessing, and that you’re with me, is a dream come true. I have the gift to give you a better life, a fulfilling life and I want to. My intention for us is to wait until we’re married, but tonight, I…my self-control weakens to you. I’m sorry.”

Surprise crossed her features. “You think about us? Marriage?”

“Yes,” I stated.

Without speaking, Abby studied me, and once again, I felt as though I had pushed her too soon, admitted too much, and scared her away. My mind spun, thinking how I had damned myself when she cupped my face and pulled it up to meet her eyes, hers shined with tears.

“With all of my heart, I love you, Xander.”

With her words, the world could spin again. It took great restraint to not unfurl my wings and fly Abby around the mountain, pronouncing to anyone with ears that she loved me. Abigail Miller loved
me
.

I was still reeling when she launched at me again. Wrapping around me, she fit against my body perfectly. Made for me. Feelings surged and threatened to overtake me. I reminded myself I couldn’t hurt her again. Finding control from somewhere unknown, I slowed our kiss down, lay her on the cushion, and held her still against me, fighting the throbbing need for her.

Time was not my friend tonight—it never was when I was with her. Searching the table blindly for my ringing phone, I couldn’t bear to part with her lips yet. The cadence mocked me. She had to leave. I had to give her back.

Once my hand found the phone, I growled, “Damn it!” And threw it against the cushion. A giggle drifted up from beneath me. “What?”

“You’re cute when you’re frustrated.”

I gasped. “I’m not normally cute?”

Her smile faded and brushed the hair off my brow. “No, cute is too ordinary a word for you.”

Abby went to sit up, but I stopped her and held her back down to stay with me another moment. Gazing at her, the beauty she was, it was impossible to believe she was mine. Abby gave me her heart, such a rare gift it was to be loved by a human. My Abby.

I traced the long line resting between her perfect breasts. I was in wonder of her, the amazing soul within, and everything she had been through because of Heaven’s denial. “Abby, you do know how incredibly beautiful you are, don’t you?”

She shook her head and a wealth of sadness reflected back to me. “Keep saying it and maybe one day I’ll believe you.” I fully intended to.

“Deal.”

Inside the 4Runner, she slipped her shirt and shorts back on. Abby held my hand through the drive. I hated that she was leaving. If I could keep her with me, I would. She traced the ring on my hand, gazing at me, lit by the blue dashboard lights. I smiled, knowing she had the same thoughts, too. It made no sense, I wasn’t even human, but we simply belonged together. Being separated from her was unnatural.

Pulling up to her house, I turned off the engine and paused before getting out. “We did pretty good tonight. We obviously need more practice, which is fine with me.”

In a quiet voice, she asked, “Xander, how do you do it?”

My smile crashed, knowing what the entire truth would do. Why she was still here was beyond my comprehension. Instead of lying, I changed the subject. “Would you like to go hiking with my family next Saturday? We’re going to check out the trails around our house.”

She rubbed her forehead, growing weary of this game. “I’ve never hiked, for obvious reasons.”

“Trust me. It’ll be like today.”

“Fine.” Her sweet voice was abnormally clipped and it hurt that I had done that.

I couldn’t look her in the eye. “You’re mad at me.”

“Xander, you ask me to trust you, but you don’t trust me. You never answer my questions. I know so little about you, but I have to be an open book with you. A relationship can’t work like this. If we love each other, we should trust each other. Look at me, please.”

I kept my eyes down and swallowed past the thickness in my throat. “Abby, I’ve never had these feelings before. I’ve never loved anyone like this. I’m terrified if what I say pushes you away…I don’t…it would destroy me.”

Abby climbed over the console into my lap, surprising me once more and pulled my face up. “Xander, tell me you love me again.”

The most beautiful dark chocolate eyes stared into mine. “Abigail Miller, I am totally, completely, and utterly in love with you.”

“And I’ll love you whatever the truth is. I’m asking you to have faith in me.”

Driving home, her words replayed without end. She asked me to trust her. I should, but I was terrified the truth would cost me everything. It would cost me my Abby.

39

Abby

“That’s weird,” Xander muttered, looking at the school parking lot Monday morning. “Mel’s sitting in her car.”

“She didn’t text me back yesterday,” I wondered. “I’ll catch up with you, okay?”

Holding my hand, he scanned the area before releasing me and watched me as I walked to Mel’s Lexus. Xander was so weird about me being alone.

I tapped on the window and she opened the car door. “Hey, stranger. Where have you been?”

My heart sunk when she stood. The lack of makeup and pliable hairs were like warning flags waving with flares bursting in the sky. I pulled her sunglasses down, revealing puffy red eyes. Tears burst out and almost knocked me over as she threw her head onto my shoulder.

I hugged her tight and another pair of arms wrapped around us. Beth. We let her cry; thankfully, Beth was armed with tissues. We looked at each other to see if the other one knew what happened to Mel.

Beth went in first, taking a deep breath. “Mel? What’s wrong? You were holed up in your room all Sunday.”

Mel honked her nose into the tissue. “The bastard went back to Rachel! We had another fight Saturday. He was drunk at ten in the morning! Later, he texted and asked me to come to his party so we could talk. When I got there, I found them in his bedroom. Naked. Having sex!”

Beth and I recoiled with open mouths.

“Oh, Mel, I’m sorry.” I hugged her again.

“I told him I loved him! I should have known, he never said it back once.” She wiped her eyes. “It’s my fault. He wanted to with me, and I told him no.”

I should have slapped her for even thinking it. “What! How is that your fault? If he cared for you at all, then he would have waited.”

“He’s scum! Him and Mark! What is with the guys at this school?” Beth threw up her arms at the parking lot as though we had the audience of every male student to preach at.

I allowed myself to be selfish and hoped I never had to deal with this. Class was about to begin and we had to leave Mel until lunchtime.

As I pulled the chemistry door open, I could have sworn Danielle shifted away from Xander. Maybe she thought I wasn’t going to be at school today and she would swoop in on my guy. Xander shot us a concerned look. I mouthed,
Later
.

After class, I filled him in.

“I’m glad. Tyler’s not a good guy,” he said. “At least she saw what he was before she gave herself to him.” Cringing, he groaned.

Our interlaced fingers tightened. “It’s different with us, right?” I pleaded.

He pulled me against him. “It’s different because we are good for each other. I wouldn’t hurt you and I’m hopelessly in love with you.” Our time was up. He groaned again and gave me a quick kiss.

At lunch, I sat at our old table with Mel and Beth. She still needed tissues and we had to resort to cheap, rough toilet paper. Today, Jake and Greg sat with the Wrights. Caleb chatted with Jake throughout lunch and Greg stole glances our way.

Arriving at biology, Will beamed a smile across the room. After suppressing my gag reflex in the doorway, I sat down and gasped. Along the length of his calf was a deep gash that looked fresh and cringe-worthy.

I placed my hand on his arm. “What happened to you?”

“I was hit by a car while saving a kitten in the middle of the road.” He smirked.

“I know that’s a lie, because you don’t like cats.”

Laughing, he examined the wound. “I slipped while hiking this weekend. I found an awesome trail, fantastic views, killer terrain, though.”

“Ouch, I think you should find softer mountains.”

He waved me off. “Eh, barely even felt it. You ready for this today.” He pointed to the fish on the table that I had been avoiding. Fish dissection. Nasty.

Will was in rare comedic form today. The fish had an odor that should be bottled and used in warfare and the slime almost made me lose my lunch. Will thought it would be fun to coat me in fish guts and I told him I would filet him if he did.

At my locker, Jake greeted me hello as if the water park never happened. Cautiously, I listened as he told me he and Caleb made plans to play basketball after school. Just like that, he was off.

Cooking class was last and risotto was on the menu board today. Because of the difficulty, we paired up again: Sophie and me, Mark and Jake, and then Greg and Xander.

I really liked Sophie. I think she needed help in the wardrobe department and could use a self-esteem boost, but she had potential. Once she felt comfortable with someone, she was funny, and I wondered if she and Will could hit it off.

I halted at the fridge and blinked in horror. It was happening to me. I was turning into an amalgam of my mother and Melanie. I might as well put a scarf on my head and belt out a tune to
Fiddler on the Roof.
Oh no.

Xander and Greg talked the entire hour, whispering most of the time. Jake somehow started a fire and Xander put it out since Mark was too busy texting. With hair considered flammable, it was for the best.

I spilled half our rice. Xander laughed while he helped me sweep and Sophie struggled to save our dish. Our risotto was less gummy than Jake and Mark’s, but of course, Xander and Greg’s won. Even Mrs. Bradley said theirs was the best she had ever tasted. Xander put the tick on the board with a grin pointed at me.

Greg nudged me. “I know I don’t swing that way, Miller, and you are way prettier, but I would consider being Xander’s girlfriend if you don’t want the job anymore. The man can cook!”

“He’s mine, Johnson!” I said.

Xander wrapped his arm around me. “I’m sorry, Greg. I’m a leg man and yours are way too hairy for my taste.”

Greg feigned hurt and then grinned, holding his leg out. “Hair aside, they’re damn fine legs, admit it!”

Sophie and I cleaned up our station, laughing at the boys who were now comparing all their muscles. Before class let out, I asked Xander if he was busy tomorrow afternoon and he wasn’t.

Smiling, I sidled up to my unfortunate partner. “Hey, Sophie, I was wondering if we could spend a few hours together tomorrow after school.”

She looked around the class, pointing to herself as though another Sophie magically appeared in the room. “With me?”

“Yeah. Xander’s taking us to the mall.”

Her eyes widened behind the blue plastic frames. “Oh, I don’t know.”

“Xander will probably wander off to the sporting goods store until we’re done.” Lie, he never left my side, but maybe he would if I asked.

Sophie shifted her feet. “Okay,” she squeaked.

I clapped. “Good. Bring money, we’re going shopping.”

Her face dropped.

Xander eyed me. “What have you gotten me into?”

I put on my puppy dog eyes. “Can you take us to the mall tomorrow?”

He laughed. “You are a saint.”

Walking toward the parking lot, yelling erupted from a growing group of students. Xander texted someone while he dragged me with him.

Two guys were red-faced and coiled for a fight. It was Greg “The Tank” versus Tyler “The Slime-Ball.” Not exactly David and Goliath, but I wouldn’t want to be Tyler.

“You’re disgusting, Gibson!”

Tyler threw his bag down. “Why the hell do you care, Johnson?”

Greg stepped closer. “Why did you do that to Mel? The least you could’ve done was break up with her first.”

“She knew what I wanted,” Tyler stated.

Greg was in striking distance now. “And you didn’t consider what she wanted? No. You just think with your dick!”

“You wouldn’t know anything about that. You’re still a damn virgin!” Tyler laughed.

Greg’s face screwed up and his large arm wound back like a wrecking ball. Before I realized it, Xander was holding Tyler, and Caleb restrained Greg. Neither Wright looked as though it took any effort to keep the guys from Parking Lot Death Match.

Xander called over his shoulder, “This isn’t the way, Greg. He isn’t worth it. Walk away.”

The way Greg was looking at Tyler, I expected him to buck Caleb off and rip Tyler’s arms off his body. After a long beat, Greg grunted and jerked his shirt down. He stormed off and Caleb stared after him.

Tyler spat at Xander, bringing our attention back to the invisible UFC octagon, “Get off me! You and your little bitch are the reason for all of this. Mel thought you guys were perfect and I should act more like you.” He shoved Xander, but Xander didn’t move one inch as though his body was made of stone.

Xander’s stare was piercing and his fists were clenched by his side. I’d never seen Xander look this angry, and I’d be totally okay if I never saw him this way again. He growled, “You should act more like me. And don’t
ever
call Abby that again.”

Tyler’s fist balled up. I knew it was coming and I couldn’t look away. Tyler swung and connected to Xander’s cheek. Xander remained still as though the fist never hit him, and Tyler cradled his hand, crying out. Caleb shot over to Tyler and examined his hand. A second later, Tyler wiggled his fingers, and then shrugged Caleb off and stomped away.

I spotted Mel and Beth by the Lexus. Stepping over to her, she was an even bigger mess than this morning. “Now everyone knows!” Mel wailed.

Beth tore through her bag for something to sop up Mel’s tears.

I pulled Mel in for a hug, risking the snot. “No, now everyone knows Tyler is a jerk.”

She clung to me. “I just wanted what you have, Abby. I wanted him to hold my hand wherever we went. To stare at me when I wasn’t looking. To watch me leave. To light up when I came into the room. Miss me when I was away. Smile when someone mentioned my name. For him to tell me that he loves me and thinks I’m beautiful. Is that wrong?”

My arms ached for Xander.

Beth produced a wad of clean toilet paper as though she was holding a winning lottery ticket. Mel managed a weak smile, more grimace than smile really.

“No. You deserve it, Mel. I know this is a terrible time to point out the obvious, but that ‘someone’ just defended your honor in front of the whole school.” I nodded to the other side of the parking lot. “I think when you’re ready, your knight in shining armor will be there.”

Wiping her face, she nodded. Once I knew Beth could handle getting her back to the dorm, I turned to see Xander waiting for me.

Taking his hands, I swung them. “I know I’m already monopolizing you tomorrow, but are you busy today, too?”

“Nope. Whatcha need?”

I winced as I asked, “Can you take us to our spot?”

“Uh, sure. You okay?”

I nodded.

While Xander drove, I traced his Claddagh ring. “What did you and Greg discuss in class?”

“Manly things.” He let out a series of caveman grunts.

“Do men usually whisper when they talk about
manly things
?”

He blew out a sigh. “Greg figured you knew what happened with Mel and also figured you told me. I know he’s had a crush on Mel for some time. I was stupid and told him what Tyler did. He was…happy.”

I tilted my head at him.

Xander explained, “Happy she didn’t have sex with Tyler. He asked about us, well, me. Greg assumed that I was experienced. When I told him I wasn’t, he was surprised, and it gave him hope. He asked me relationship advice, how to treat a girl, how to get Mel’s attention.” He paused. “I shouldn’t have told him the truth. He could’ve really hurt Tyler. I’m sorry for what Tyler said. He was lashing out at me.”

“He hit you pretty hard.” I touched his face, absent of a mark.

“It was a tickle.” He flashed a smile.

There was more to it, more secrets. “Xander, I can’t even tell he punched you.”

He shrugged. “What can I say, I’m just that incredible.” I shook my head at him and we had reached our spot. He asked, “Why have you brought me here today?”

Climbing out of my seat, I tugged him to the back. Finding some courage, I straddled him. With twinkling eyes, he embraced me. “Because Mel pointed out things to me I hadn’t realized you did. And I’m blessed to have you. I wanted to tell you that and needed to show you, this way. I didn’t want to practice in the school parking lot. So, I brought you to a remote mountain to take advantage of you.”