Three of Hearts (16 page)

“I’m sorry.” The raw agony in Lucas’s voice made my heart hurt. “You didn’t screw up, I did. You were pissed, then Haylee was pissed, and I thought I was the one who fucked it all up.”

I couldn’t stop the shocking laughter that bubbled up. They both blinked at me. “And I thought it was all
my
fault.”

Reluctant smiles tugged their lips.

“I thought I never should have asked you guys for a threesome. That just screwed everything up. This would never have all exploded in our faces if it weren’t for that.”

We would have continued keeping our feelings for each other locked deep inside us, so deep we didn’t even recognize them ourselves.

Lucas stroked my hair again. “See, that’s why it was a
good
thing. It was all building up. It was going to explode in our faces at some point anyway. We needed to figure out how we all really felt.” He lifted his chin to look at Ben again and extended one arm. “Come here.”

I waited, still gripping Lucas, my front pressed to his side, my arms around him. His body was as tense as mine.

I looked at Ben. I loved him so much. Was he processing the fact that Lucas loved me too? How did that make him feel? I didn’t want to hurt him. Would it make a difference if he knew I loved him too? Did I have the guts to tell him how I felt? He was sensitive and empathetic—I could imagine him being upset about hurting me because I loved him and he loved someone else. The words clogged up inside me and my stomach twisted painfully.

God, I’d loved these guys for so long. I squeezed my eyes shut and once again tightened my arms around Lucas’s waist. How could I live without them? Without both of them?

I could live. I
would
live without them, if I had to. Because it seemed likely that was what was going to happen. Three people didn’t have a relationship. And if they did . . . well, that was all kinds of fucked up and complicated and holy hobbling Christ on a crutch, what would people say about that? It was too crazy to contemplate and besides . . . I had no idea if the guys wanted something like that.

But if nothing else, I’d learned that we needed to be honest with each other. Keeping our feelings locked down inside us hadn’t been a good thing.

“Ben. Please. Come here.” I could barely swallow, my throat was so rigid. I too extended a hand to him. “I’m in love with you too.”

Emotions flickered on his face—his eyebrows rose, then lowered, his mouth tightened, his eyes flashed. “What?”

“I love you.” I held on to Lucas for dear life as I repeated it. “I love both of you. And Lucas feels the same.”

“I was trying to tell you, man,” Lucas said. “I’m still all fucked up about this. I’ve been in love with Haylee forever. I was in denial that I had feelings for you too.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed and he watched us, his posture stiff.

My eyes stung. “You don’t believe us.”

His head jerked.

“I know you don’t feel that way about me,” I rushed on, “which is why I said I’ll be the one to leave. But—”

“No.” Ben shook his head. “You’re not leaving. I don’t want to lose you.”

Waves of electricity pulsed around us in the room.

“I don’t want to lose either of you,” he continued. “I thought—wait, is this for real? Because I’m losing my shit here.”

“It’s for real.” Lucas’s voice roughened.

Ben started walking toward us. “I was so worried about you, Haylee. You looked so hurt when you ran out of here. I was hurting too, and furious at Lucas. And at myself. I was afraid I’d wrecked everything.”

My chest had gone tight, my lungs burning as I tried to breathe. “Ben,” I whispered.

“I love you too, Hayley,” Ben continued, his voice cracking. “You gotta know that.”

My eyes widened and my heart exploded into a rapid beat. “But—”

“It’s crazy.” Ben was now close enough to touch. “Totally fucking nuts. I don’t get it. At all. But there it is. I love you both. I have for so long. And I can’t fucking believe you feel the same.”

I reached out to Ben. Lucas did the same with the arm that wasn’t around me. Ben moved into us. We stood there, foreheads together, arms around each other. Silence expanded in the room, only the sounds of our uneven breathing reaching my ears above the pounding of my heartbeat. I closed my eyes.

Emotion swelled up in me, huge and terrifying. Was this really happening? Ben wasn’t wrong—it was crazy. Insane
.
But unimaginable happiness was stealing through me, even though I was afraid to let it.

After a moment, I pulled my focus away from myself and thought about my two guys. I still had more questions.

“After that first night,” I said, looking at Ben. “In Sioux City. It seemed like you regretted what had happened. Like you didn’t want to do it again.”

He huffed out a laugh. “Right. Christ.” He closed his eyes briefly. “I wanted it so much. But fuck, I was terrified.” He opened his eyes. “I watched you two together on stage. The last night in Sioux City—the chemistry you had. Everyone saw it. At the Ryman . . . You look great together. Everyone’s always talked about you two being a couple. I started to think that’s where that was going.”

“Oh god,” I whispered. I set a palm on his face and stared into his eyes. “No. No, no, no.”

“Fuck,” Lucas muttered, his hand tightening on Ben’s shoulder. “Ben . . . sorry. I was struggling too. But I’m so fucking sorry.”

I nodded. “Ben . . . are you gay?”

He shrugged. “I’ve always been attracted to guys and girls. Since I’ve been in Nashville, I tried not to look at guys. Figured things would go better if I just acted straight. It wasn’t hard. Musicians have girls chasing after them all the time. Sexy girls. I had no problem being with them. Until you guys both moved in here.” He looked at Lucas. “Fucking hell, it was hard to pretend I didn’t want you.” He closed his eyes and tipped his head back. “It was getting harder and harder.”

I nodded. I’d felt it too. I just hadn’t exactly realized what was causing all the tension. “Why . . . why don’t you do relationships?” I’d always wondered about this, always assumed he’d been hurt somehow.

“Never felt right,” he said. “When I was with a girl, I just felt like . . . I had room for more. Same thing when I was with a guy. I gave up on ever finding the one who’d feel right. Never felt like I could open up about what I really wanted, or tell them I had room in my mind and heart for them, but also for
more
. Figured I was just meant to screw around forever. Then I met you. Both of you. I was falling for both of you.”

“Oh, Ben.” I squeezed his waist.

“Being around you all the time. Haylee . . . you get me.” He stroked a hand over my hair. “You’re so funny and sweet, and unassuming. You have no idea how gorgeous you are. And you’re never sexier than when you’re singing. I’ve been burning up inside over both of you, scared shitless that I was gonna screw things up and destroy everything we’ve worked for. And then . . . I did.”

“No,” Lucas said roughly. “You didn’t screw up. We’re gonna work this out.”

I closed my eyes and sucked in a deep breath. “You weren’t using me.”

I opened my eyes to see Lucas scowling at me. “Fuck no. I was furious when you said that.”

“How could you think that, Haylee?” Ben touched my jaw.

I shook my head. “Be-because it’s happened before. You guys know my story. How my dad used me. How guys always thought I was just a buddy. You made me feel so beautiful, but I let my own stupid insecurities get to me. I let you down because I didn’t trust you or believe that you could both want me. Then you were fighting and angry with each other and I walked out on you when you tried to explain things and everything was fucked up. I thought I’d lost you, I thought I’d lost
everything
because I’m so messed up.” I swallowed and met their eyes, first Ben’s, then Lucas’s. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Haylee.” Ben leaned his forehead against mine. “Believe in yourself.”

I nodded, my chest full of emotion.

And now I stepped outside myself, realizing how important this was for them. For Ben—who’d loved Lucas for a while now, probably despairing of ever having that love returned—and Lucas, who’d only just been able to admit his feelings for a man he’d seen as a friend and bandmate. This had to be even bigger for them than it was for me. Although for me it was pretty fucking huge. I felt a need to help them, to make this go well for them.

“I love you guys. I want you to be together.”

They both stared at me, and when Ben’s eyes narrowed and Lucas’s forehead creased, I realized they didn’t get what I was doing.

“I’ll be there with you. All of us. Together. But I want you to be together.”

Their expressions cleared. Ben’s eyes darkened, Lucas’s eyes flickered. I could tell he was still unsure about this. And who could blame him? I suspected he’d never been with a man before, but this wasn’t the time to discuss that. This was the time to cement this relationship between the three of us.

I gave them a look—a chin-lifted, go-ahead-and-do-it look. They turned to each other.

“Christ,” Ben groaned, and he lifted a hand and slid it around the back of Lucas’s neck. He brought Lucas’s face closer and their eyes met. I watched the sizzling exchange, watched Lucas’s long eyelashes flutter as he studied Ben’s face, watched Ben’s lips part in anticipation.

And then they kissed. Fierce and hard and achingly beautiful, their mouths joined and open to each other, eyes closed. My heart clenched. My pussy ached. I clasped my hands together in front of me and watched them.

They broke apart, breathing hard, and leaned their foreheads together.

“I don’t do relationships.” Ben’s hand closed over Lucas’s shoulder.

Lucas snorted. “Yeah? Well, I don’t do men. Get over it.”

We all chuckled.

“Fuck,” Ben muttered.

“Yeah,” Lucas said, the corners of his mouth twitching. “Let’s do that.”

Their heads both turned, and they fixed their gazes on me. I smiled. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”

My insides were jumping. I hurt with need, and I knew I was wet. Lucas took my hand and then Ben’s, back in charge, and led us down the hall.

In the dim quiet room, Lucas released our hands and turned to face us. The air around us pulsed with anticipation and emotion. Lucas touched my cheek and bent to kiss my mouth, then set his other hand on Ben’s shoulder, edging him closer. They shared a long look. Lucas’s eyes moved as he studied Ben’s face, his eyelids lowering as he leaned closer and kissed Ben again.

They each kept one hand on me the entire time, Lucas’s sliding to the side of my neck, Ben’s on my waist. When they separated, both of them breathing heavily, they turned to me—first Ben, then Lucas—and kissed me just as deeply, our lips sliding wetly, tongues rubbing. Heat exploded inside me, bliss blazing through me from fingertips to toes.

Ben still wore a leather jacket, and he let go of both of us long enough to pull it off and toss it on a chair. Then we were kissing again, all of us, Ben’s mouth on mine, then on Lucas’s, and I watched with rising excitement and hunger.

It felt right. It felt perfect. It was the way it was supposed to be between us. All three of us loving each other.

I moved behind Lucas and let my two guys continue kissing. I hugged Lucas’s waist, pressing my face to his shoulder, still watching them. Intensity heightened, their breathing growing faster, kisses getting harder. Ben nipped Lucas’s chin. Lucas groaned. Ben touched Lucas’s face, one hand sliding around the back of his neck, drawing him even closer, his other hand rubbing down Lucas’s torso to find his erection. He caressed Lucas’s cock through his jeans, rubbing his face against Lucas’s.

He unbuttoned Lucas’s shirt and shoved it off his shoulders partway down his arms. Lucas started to reach behind him, but I was there to pull the shirt the rest of the way off. I slid my hands around him from behind, pressing myself against his naked back.

“Haylee.” Lucas covered my hands with his. “Take your clothes off. Want your skin against mine.”

I stripped the thick hoodie off over my head and hooked my thumbs into the loose yoga pants to drag them down my legs. My socks came off too, leaving me in panties and bra—a freakin’ ugly sports bra that made me want to roll my eyes.

I moved closer to Lucas again. “One day, I’m going to wear something sexy and lacy when we have sex. Maybe even pink.”

Both guys gave choked laughs. “Babe,” Lucas said, “like you best naked when we have sex.”

I smiled and settled my hands on the smooth, warm skin of his waist. His body quivered and tightened as Ben unfastened Lucas’s jeans. When Ben drew his cock out and stroked it, Lucas let out a long, ragged groan. “Fuck that feels good. Goddamn.”

“Yeah.” Ben dipped his head to watch. “Fuck yeah. Wanted this so bad . . . your big stiff prick in my hand. In my mouth.” He glanced up at Lucas almost shyly. “In my ass.”

A hot thrill shimmered through me, and it was my turn to moan.

“Yeah,” Lucas breathed.

“Want you to fuck me,” Ben said.

Lucas reached for him and slid his hands down over Ben’s ass. Lucas’s muscles flexed as he gripped Ben. “Yeah.” Then he released Ben and pushed his jeans and underwear lower on his hips, then all the way off. Lucas lifted his chin at Ben, who in response yanked his sweater over his head and took off his own jeans.