Three of Hearts (14 page)

The bedroom door was still open as I’d left it, and I paused in the opening. With the blinds down and the afternoon light pale and gray with drizzle, the room was still dim and shadowy—but I could see Lucas standing beside the bed, naked and beautiful, his back to me. His hair stuck up all over the place as if he’d been running his hands through it.

Ben snapped back at him from the bed. “You know you liked it. For fuck’s sake, would you get your head out of your ass.”

I frowned and shrank back. They were fighting again, this time intensely enough that it scared me; the harsh tone of their voices made my skin tighten.

“Yeah, so you can put your
dick
in my ass. I know that’s what you want.”

Ben threw back the covers and stood, close to Lucas, getting right in his face. “Yeah. It is. And you fucking know you want it too.”

“Fuck you.” Lucas snarled and reached out to shove Ben’s chest. Ben threw his arms up, knocking Lucas’s hands away. My eyes flew open wide as Lucas drew back an arm as if to punch Ben. I covered my mouth with my hands and sucked in air, but they didn’t hear me.

Ben blocked the punch, and they wrestled, fighting, trying to hit each other. Jesus! My heart began crashing against my breastbone. I wanted to yell at them to stop, but my vocal cords were paralyzed. Then Ben got hold of Lucas, flipped him to his back on the bed and fell on top of him. They glared at each other for what seemed like an hour, Ben stretched out over Lucas, both of them naked. It was Lucas who grabbed the back of Ben’s neck and yanked him down toward him. Their mouths slammed together.

I slumped against the door frame as my legs turned into gummy worms.

They were kissing. A hard, long, brutal kiss, full of anger and undeniable passion.

Lucas made a rough sound in his throat. One hand still curled around Ben’s neck, the other went to his shoulder. Thoughts swirled around in my head, unformed and incomplete. I thought Lucas was going to push Ben away. Or maybe hit him. “Fuck you,” he muttered again when their mouths parted.

“I intend to.”

Lucas groaned. “Christ. Oh Christ yeah, fuck me.”

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Heat rushed through me in a powerful wave. I think I stopped breathing as I watched them; both of them remained oblivious to me.

Ben kissed Lucas again, and this time Lucas’s arms wrapped around Ben’s shoulders and his knees bent to allow Ben to settle between them. They both made low groans of pleasure.

My eyes widened, taking it all in, every detail. I’d approached quietly on bare feet so they clearly hadn’t heard me. I took a step back, still in the door opening, but I couldn’t drag my eyes away from them. I was so turned on I hurt, but I was also confused.

For a moment I wondered if I should join them—but what they were doing was so intimate and private and totally different than anything we’d done as a threesome, I believed they wouldn’t want me there, that this was a moment for them and them alone.

I still didn’t understand it and even though it was sexy and beautiful, it made my chest hurt so bad that a small noise escaped my throat. I took another step backward and out of the room, and then whirled and ran to my bedroom, trying to be quiet, but trying to get away as fast as I could before they noticed me there.

I carefully closed my bedroom door so it wouldn’t make a noise, then stood leaning against it, eyes closed, heart thudding wildly. God. Oh god.

I moved blindly to the bed and my ass dropped onto it. I stared at the rug on the floor.

I’d thought it was hot that they’d touched each other. It felt natural when all three of us were in bed together. But now, seeing just the two of them, confusion filled me. Also fear.

I sorted through things in my mind, picking out some ideas and letting others go. I remembered things that had happened. I remembered the jokes they always made—like one time Ben had said something about how he was horny enough to do Lucas. I remembered Lucas kissing me after Ben had just come in my mouth, and I remembered thinking that he had to have tasted Ben too.

He’d wanted that.

They’d wanted each other all along. They just hadn’t acted on it. Until today. I mean, it was possible that this
wasn’t
the first time . . . but my gut told me it was. The way they’d been fighting . . . as if they were trying to resist it. That’s what all the tension had been about.

Had all this been an excuse for
them
to get into bed together? Was
that
why they’d had threesomes before? So they could be together in bed and nobody would think anything of it?

Once again, I was the one nobody wanted. I was the tomboy, “one of the guys,” the girl who’d rather watch football in her sweats than dress up in a skirt and makeup. They’d made me feel so good about myself, because they’d wanted me exactly as I was, without curls and makeup and sexy clothes, but in the end . . . they’d really wanted each other.

My fingers curled into my palms, every muscle in my body going rigid. Goddammit! Hot rage blew up in me, scorching pressure building.

They were having sex with each other just down the hall, without me. I couldn’t deal with it. I couldn’t face them. I had to get out of there. They’d leave for the airport in a while, I just had to get away for a few hours, and then I’d have the house to myself for the next week and by the time they came back, I’d have figured out what the hell to do about this.

With shaky hands I found dry clothes—a pair of yoga pants, a big hoodie. My damp hair was still in a ponytail, and I left it like that. My Nikes were wet but I shoved my feet back into them anyway and grabbed my purse.

As I left my bedroom, I ran smack into Lucas. He wore a pair of boxer briefs and a scowl. “Haylee. What the . . . Thought you went for a run.”

“I . . . I . . . it was raining. I came back.” My mouth felt dry and sticky, but my palms sweated. I couldn’t meet his eyes.

He took hold of my upper arms to stop me. “What’s wro—
Shit
.” His hands tightened on me. “You saw us. Didn’t you?”

“Let me go.” I tried to pull away.

“No, dammit. Wait.” Lucas’s jaw tensed and his mouth compressed. His hair still stood in messy spikes.

I looked over his shoulder to see Ben, also bare-chested, his eyes narrow, his mouth a grim line.

I sucked in a breath, lifted my chin, and straightened my shoulders. “It’s okay, you guys. I get it.”

Lucas frowned. “What do you get?”

I wasn’t sure how to answer that. “You two . . . together. I get it. I saw that. I’ve felt that for a while now.” My voice rose and that swell of anger rose up even hotter inside me. “And I get that you were using me.”

Lucas’s jaw slackened. Ben made a shocked noise.

My throat closed up embarrassingly, and I couldn’t get words out for a few seconds. “I didn’t realize what was happening between you two. But now I do.”

“No, you fucking don’t!” Lucas’s shout made me shrink back. “Using you? Are you fucking kidding me? Don’t be such an idiot.”

“Idiot?” I glared at him, heat sweeping from my hairline to my toes. “Did you just call me an idiot? Well, fuck you. I’m done with being used. My dad used me all my life, trying to make something of himself. I’m
not
going to be used again. I’m
not
going to be dumped again because I’m not good enough.”

“What the . . . We weren’t using you! Nothing happened! I mean, I couldn’t do anything. With him.”

Ben made a noise and my gaze flicked to his face, drawn into tight lines of despair.

I refocused on Lucas. “I saw you kiss Ben! I heard you ask him to fuck you.”

His jaw tightened. “Yeah. I asked him to. I wanted it. But when it came to actually doing it . . . I couldn’t . . .”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Ben scrubbed a hand over his face. “You are such an asshole.”

My mind was leaping all over the place trying to make sense of this. Lucas was attracted to Ben, but in denial about his sexuality? Was that what this was?

“Fuck.” Lucas turned his glare on Ben.

Ben scowled back at him. “What is your problem? You wanted it too, you know you fucking well did.”

I stared in horror at the scene unfolding in front of me.

I wrenched my arm away from Lucas’s grip. “I need to leave. You guys go . . . do whatever you want. Go home and do your Christmas stuff . . . When you get back, I’ll be gone.”

I shoved out through the front door, their curses ringing in my ears. They both followed me, but they weren’t even dressed and it was pouring rain, so they didn’t get far. I ran to my car and jumped into it, shoving the key blindly into the ignition.

I started driving. I didn’t know where to go; I was mindless, thoughts spinning. McGavock Pike was narrow here, with no shoulder and a steep drop off the side, and when my wheels hit the edge of the pavement, my heart lurched. I shouldn’t be driving like this. Where could I go? It was Christmas Eve. My other friends were busy with family stuff. Opry Mills mall would be insane.

I pulled into the parking lot of a restaurant on the other side of Briley Parkway. Inside, seated in a booth next to the window, I ordered a hot coffee and a donut with red and green sprinkles that almost made me throw up when I tried to eat it. Not that it was bad. It was just that I was sick with worry and fear, and my throat closed up when I tried to swallow the sweet pastry. I sipped my coffee and leaned into the wall. Brooks and Dunn sang “Winter Wonderland” in the background.

I sat there for a long time, watching the rain stop and the sky clear somewhat, just as the sun began to lower in the sky. I thought about what I’d seen. I thought about Ben and Lucas having sex together without me. Questions formed to which I had no answers.

Had this ever happened before? Were they gay? Were they in love? How could I not know that if it was true? Was I a blind idiot?

I was pretty sure nobody could be that blind. Which meant this was the first time it had ever happened.

The country music biz wasn’t exactly known for being welcoming to gays, but I did know some people who were openly gay. There weren’t many big stars who were out, but common sense said there had to be more. There were rumors. Probably some based on truth. I didn’t care. Someone’s sexual orientation was a nonissue with me.

But it fucking
burned
that they’d used me to be together.

I became aware of the looks I was getting from the few people working in the restaurant. I was the only one left there, and they were getting ready to close. I blinked at the gathering darkness outside the windows.

It was probably safe to go home now. Ben and Lucas would have left for the airport. In fact, they were probably already on their flights.

The home that used to feel like a sanctuary, a haven from the real world, a place I could be alone or hang out with my two favorite people in the world, a place where we made magic and created music—and most recently had hot, dirty sex—now seemed scary.

How could I ever go back there?

I slipped on my jacket and gathered up my purse, leaving the donut with one missing bite on the table, and walked out. The air outside felt lovely and fresh after the rain.

I started driving, thinking I should go home, but I turned right instead of left, then turned left again and somehow found myself at the Gaylord Opryland Resort. Decorated for Christmas, it sparkled with thousands of white lights in the trees. The wet pavement reflected the lights back in a shimmery glow that intensified the glitter and glitz. It was so overwhelmingly Christmasy it made everything inside me ache.

The gazillions of sparkling lights drew me against my will. I ended up parking my car in the lot of the mall and walking up to the Grand Ole Opry. A big tree all decorated and sparkly sat on the plaza in front of the building, and more white lights twinkled in the trees all around. I took a seat on the curved stone bench facing the Opry and gazed at it.

I remembered when I was sixteen years old, my parents brought me to Nashville. It was just before mom died of cancer. We knew she was in the final stages. She and Dad wanted to see Nashville before she was gone, so we’d done that bittersweet family trip. We visited the Grand Ole Opry, which was like a shrine to my dad. He’d always dreamed of playing there one day.

Mom had been all happy and smiling, so optimistic that one day Dad and I would be there singing on the stage at the Grand Ole Opry. Mom was dying. So we all went along with that.

But even at sixteen, I’d known Dad would never play there. He had some talent, yeah, but not enough to ever get as far as he’d wanted to go. Even then, I understood that he’d pinned all his hopes on me, and at that age I wasn’t so sure I would ever make it there either.

After Mom had died, it had become even less likely Dad would ever make it that big, because he’d drowned his sorrows in a whiskey river, as Willie would say. God. I closed my eyes, thinking about how life had deteriorated after her death. Tears stung the corners of my eyes as I waited for that familiar twinge of guilt, and yup, there it was. I’d abandoned my poor old dad to pursue my own dreams, leaving him all alone in Grand Forks, playing guitar and singing when he wasn’t too drunk to string some lyrics and chords together. I’d headed for the big city of Los Angeles, without him and without the country music I’d tried to reject.

But here I was, in front of the Grand Ole Opry. It had been Dad’s dream, but I’d made it there. I’d played at the Grand Ole Opry. With Ben and Lucas. My parents hadn’t been there to see it—Mom was gone and my dad was still angry at me for leaving, too bitter to be happy about my success. And now my heart pinched at the thought that I’d thrown all that success away—because I’d wanted to know what a threesome was like.

I was lying to myself, of course. There was much more to it than wanting to know what a threesome was like. I’d wanted to sleep with Ben and Lucas. Both of them. I cared about them both. I couldn’t imagine being without either of them. It was fucked up, but it was how I felt. And now I had neither of them.

They wanted each other.

My stomach churned, and I pressed a fist against my abdomen. Could we salvage something from this? Could we stay together as a group?