Thoughtless (20 page)

Does he wear boxers or briefs? I have no idea. I did know that one, but I wasn’t about to let them know that I knew. Is he hot
all
the time? Yes. I sighed softly, thinking about how he always looked perfect every morning, while I looked like walking death…well, except for that one time.

The girls giggled again. Have you seen him naked? There was no way I was going to answer that, and they giggled anyway at my silence, probably taking it for a yes…which, of course it was.

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I looked back at the clock. Ugh, only halfway through class. I realized then my mistake. I had hoped a couple innocent questions would pacify them, and they would leave me alone. But now that they had me talking, they had no intention of stopping their relentless questions. They seemed to enjoy my silence at the naked question and started turning their in-quiries in that direction. Is his body amazing? No response to them, but the words ‘beyond amazing’ came to mind. Is he a good kisser? Again no response, but in my head I replayed a few and…yes, god yes, the boy knew how to kiss. Have I ‘done it’ with him? Definitely no response, and I prayed for no blushing either.

I suddenly realized by the intensity of their questioning, that they weren’t asking for themselves. Well, I’m sure they were curious too, but they were checking me out for Candy. Gauging what my relationship to Kellan was for her. I started wondering if they were even in this class or if they had just followed me in here.

Anger flashed through me and I studiously ignored every question they asked after that…the small ones and especially the shockingly intimate ones that made me blush. Really, no one should ask someone they just met
that
question. Relief washed through me as the lecture finally ended and people started leaving. I hastily gathered my stuff as they threw a few final questions my way, none of which I answered.

Excusing myself calmly, well, almost calmly, I darted for the door. As I left I heard, “Hey, are you having any study sessions at your house?” followed by more giggling. Well, that was a complete waste of a class.

Those weren’t the sort of human sexuality questions that I wanted to be answering.

I braced myself for more obnoxious Kellan behavior the next morning, but he wasn’t there… he wasn’t even home. He hadn’t been home when I got back from school yesterday either. Come to think of it, he hadn’t been home when Denny and I went to bed. It hurt my heart a little when I walked downstairs and he wasn’t there, sipping his coffee, reading the paper and smiling at me warmly. While Denny had been away, I’d started waking up earlier than I needed to, just to see that sight every morning. That realization worried me a little, but I pushed it back. It didn’t matter now. That friendship wasn’t the same…it was practically gone now. I blinked back tears as I made my own coffee.

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Denny woke awhile later and quickly got ready for his day of job searching. He kissed me goodbye as I got ready for my own day of school. Not that I‘d expected Kellan to continue giving me a ride to school since Denny was back, or since our oddly cold conversation in the kitchen, but sadness swept through me as I waited for the bus. I missed our rides together too. Maybe his coldness was a good thing. Maybe I’d gotten too attached. Now that Denny was back, it wasn’t appropriate. Of course, a lot had happened with Kellan that wasn’t appropriate.

Where I had barely seen him at home, I couldn’t seem to escape him at the bar. It wasn’t too long into my shift that evening, when the foursome walked in and strolled to their table. Kellan ignored me and went straight to Rita to grab the guys some beers himself. That oddly offended me. I couldn’t even wait on him now? Rita reached out and ruffled his hair while he leaned over the bar and smiled at her crookedly. That irritated me too, when I remembered that I had more in common with Rita now as well. Ugh, that thought actually made me a little nauseous, and I had to look away from their flirting.

I walked over to where Jenny was finishing up with a customer.

Pulling my head out of my own problems, I asked her about her night out. “Hey, Jenny, I never did ask you how your date went?” Jenny put her hands on her hips as she walked up to the bar. I sighed mentally as I realized where she was headed. I was sort of in the middle of a conversation with her, and I couldn’t really do anything but follow her, but Kellan was still flirting with Rita. Seriously, what were they talking about? Oh god, is that where he’s been? Are they seeing each other?

“It was a disaster.” Jenny was talking about her date, and I made myself focus on her and not my last horrifying thought. Jenny walked right up to Kellan’s side and I stood slightly behind her, trying hard to not gaze at his perfectly sculpted back leaning over the bar. “He was so boring, Kiera. Ugh, I wanted to take a nap right in my risotto.” Kellan turned his head slightly at the mention of my name. He flicked a glance at Jenny and then a quick one back to me. Jenny looked at him briefly. “Hey, Kellan.” He nodded at her politely but made no move to
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acknowledge me. Jenny continued with her story. “I called it a night after that and didn’t even bother with going to a club.” Jenny turned and quickly told Rita her order. Rita looked a little miffed that she no longer had Kellan’s attention and filled Jenny’s order grudgingly. Jenny turned to face me, while Kellan stared down at the bar, his head still cocked towards us like he was listening.

“Pretty boy, but…” Jenny pointed to her head, “not a whole lot going on upstairs.”

Kellan smiled, like he was trying not to laugh at her comment. Hope sparked in me that maybe his bad mood was over, maybe he would be nice. Focusing again on Jenny, I said, “I’m sorry, Jenny…” I left it at that, not knowing what else to say. I didn’t have a whole lot of experience with dating.

Grabbing her drinks from Rita, she shrugged. “No biggie…my guy is out there somewhere.” She smiled and walked back to her customers.

Feeling better about Kellan after seeing his smile, I stayed at the bar.

Rita got called over to a customer on the far side and I took my chance.

“Kellan,” I said softly to his back.

He turned around to me with a smug look on his face. My heart sank a little at his near-sneer. “Kiera.” His voice was flat, all trace of good humor gone.

I suddenly didn’t know what to say. I ended up pointing to the four beer bottles he had clutched in his fingers. “I could have gotten that for you.”

He straightened from the bar and I suddenly felt very small as he towered over me. “I can manage…thanks.” He roughly brushed passed me as he headed back to the table.

I swallowed roughly and sighed. Why did I irritate him so much? Why couldn’t we still be friends? Why did I miss him so much…?

*******************

Friday morning, Denny and I were snuggling, when he sighed for the hundredth time and shifted restlessly. His job searching wasn’t going well at all. Things were full and internships were rare anyways. He had gone out every day and night this week and had exhausted all of his re-sources. He started half-jokingly saying that he may need to get a job at McDonalds, just so we could pay our rent. Kellan had told him not to worry about it…which made me curious; he didn’t seem to need the money, so why did he rent out his room?

Looking over at Denny on the couch, I thought for a micro-second that he could get a job at Pete’s, but with Kellan being so difficult lately, so cold and callus, I decided it was probably not a good idea. Also, it made me highly uncomfortable, having the two of them in the same room together. Our house had been odd enough…not that Kellan had been home much. But when he was, his cold eyes watched Denny’s and my every move, every touch. I didn’t need that following me to work, any more than it already did anyway.

Things at the bar had been…strained. No one seemed to notice the change in his attitude towards me. I sure did, however. The guys still teased me mercilessly, only now, Kellan, more often than not, instigated it. He no longer stopped Griffin’s crude stories upon my approach. In fact, he seemed to delight in them even more, and managed to ask just the right question just as I was coming to their table, so that I would have to hear every gory detail. “How many girls, Griff? No, I’ve never heard of that position. Wait, what did she do with the licorice again?” Even worse though, was when he would ask me my opinion on one of Griffin’s little stories. I would blush horribly and dart away as quickly as I could, without ever answering him. Evan would frown and tell him to be nice while Matt would chuckle quietly. Kellan and Griffin would laugh loudly, like it was the funniest thing they’d ever seen. Their laughter would follow me all the way up to the bar, where I actually looked forward to talking to Rita, instead of them.

All throughout my shift, he had made snide, suggestive comments. He watched me coldly and intently wherever I went. He flinched whenever I touched him - even accidentally. He made me so uncomfortable.

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It made me a little sad, that one stupid mistake together had changed what had been a very nice friendship. I longed for the Kellan who chatted with me over coffee, who sweetly put his arms around me, who let me rest on his shoulder, who sat with me when I cried, who had tucked me into bed. And on the rare occurrences when I could look at our drunken night together, without the usual horrifying guilt, it was a pleasant memory, a fond memory even. It hurt me that Kellan obviously didn’t feel the same. That in one night I had ruined everything between us.

Mostly though, it made me angry.

Frowning at the memories, stirring in my brain, I turned my head away from Denny on the couch so he wouldn’t see my frustration. I could see now why Joey had fled. Kellan post-sex was kind of…no he was – an ass! I didn’t have the luxury of simply skipping town though.

Not when I had made such a big deal of Denny leaving, not when it would raise too many questions in Denny’s eyes. I was starting to really dislike Kellan, and really miss him at the same time. I wished
he
would leave, that would greatly simplify things for me. That thought put an odd feeling in my stomach though.

Denny noticed my frown anyway. “You alright?” I forced a smile and shrugged. “Yeah, just worried about you.” I hated lying to him. Well, it really was only a half-lie; I was worried about him.

I was just more preoccupied by Kellan’s behavior. It bothered me that Kellan concerned me more.

Denny slipped an arm around me and held me close to his shoulder.

He stopped sighing. He was always trying to please me…it only made me feel worse. My guilt increased ten-fold every time Denny smiled at me. He tenderly kissed my head and I looked up at him. He smiled sweetly and brought a hand to my cheek, running a finger down it. “It will be okay, Kiera.” His tenderness expanded my heart, and broke it at the same time.

He leaned down and softly pressed his lips to mine. Sighing, he cupped my cheek with his hand, stroking me softly with his thumb, and kissed me deeper. I relaxed into his comfort, his warmth and tenderness,
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and returned his deep kiss. He ran his hands down to my hips and scooted me over to his lap. I smiled, and thought how much I liked him being home with me all morning, and that I had a good hour before school started…

I nestled into his lap and ran my fingers through his hair. He smiled at me between kisses. My breath was just beginning to increase when I heard the front door open. Kellan hadn’t come home again last night; he hadn’t spent a night here the past two nights. I wondered who he was dating and that thought irrationally irritated me. Whoever it was, he was just now getting back. I immediately froze and looked at the door. Kellan’s eyes locked onto mine instantly. He smirked at me, his eyes suddenly mean. Then, as Denny turned to look over, his expression immediately softened. He smiled at Denny, although it did nothing to warm his eyes.

“Mornin’.”

“You just gettin’ home, mate?” Denny asked casually, his hands softly rubbing my thighs.

Kellan watched us for half a second then smiled again, looking only at Denny. “Yeah, I was…” he coolly glanced over at me, “…out.” Denny didn’t notice the look. He simply shrugged and warmly looked back to me. I scooted off his lap and he laughed a little at me, slipping an arm around my waist. I sat in such a way, that I could see Denny and Kellan at the same time. It was odd to have both of them in my vision together; it did weird things to my stomach. Denny was still looking at me lovingly, Kellan was still watching us coolly, a slight frown on his face now. I wanted to crawl inside the couch and disappear.

Eventually, Kellan murmured something excusatory and wandered upstairs. I relaxed fractionally when I heard his door close. Denny raised an eyebrow suggestively at me and made a move like he was going to move me back on his lap, but I frowned at him. Laughing, he held me close to him until it was time for me to get ready for school.

Denny drove me to school and finally took a walk around the campus with me. I tried to be as good of a guide as Kellan had been. The
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memory of that day squeezed my heart painfully, as I quickly pointed out the various brick buildings on our way to my Psychology class.

Denny, of course, wanted to talk about my Econ class and smiling as we walked hand in hand down the concrete pathways crisscrossing the ex-pansive lawns, I relayed as much of it as I could in the short time we had.

We entered the building and Denny was just as impressed as I had been at the beauty of the school. It was truly remarkable, like stepping back to a time where art and the detailed, intricate beauty of architecture, not just practical form and function, were rampant. He opened the door to my Human Sexuality class and chuckling, said he wanted to hear all about it after school when he picked me up. Chuckling back, I leaned over and gave him a long kiss. Someone brushing past us in the door broke us apart, and I grudgingly said goodbye and went to my seat.

It was an odd class to have when my mind was so conflicted. The class had more to do with the psychological and social aspects of sexual behavior, than the mechanics of sex. The course went over cultural diversity, sexual health, abuse and assault. It still felt very relevant to my current situation however, and I had to force my mind away from analyzing
my
problems and back to what the professor was saying, on more than one occasion. I was a little relieved when the class was over.