Thoughtless (16 page)

After slamming the phone down on Denny, I unplugged it. I didn’t want him to call back. I was so angry I didn’t want to speak to him ever again. The thought of never seeing him again brought despair so quickly behind it, I couldn’t breathe. I was gasping and my head was starting to spin. I sank to the floor as tears flowed freely and I could no longer hold back the sobs.

After what seemed like hours of gut-wrenching grief, I stood. I went to the fridge for water, but an open bottle of wine that we had never gotten around to drinking was right there in the door. I grabbed it instead and took a swig directly from the bottle. I knew it was a stupid way to cope with my despair, but I needed something. I needed a break from feelings. I would deal with them later.

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Grabbing a water glass, instead of a fragile wine glass, I poured as much of the wine in it as possible and started chugging. It burned. Wine definitely wasn’t meant to be drunk that way, but I was desperate for some relief from the pain.

It only took a few moments to empty the glass and I immediately refilled it. The sobs had finally stopped, although tears still fell. I could still see Denny’s face in my mind - his beautiful, warm, brown eyes, his goofy grin, his alluring accent, the way he was always quick to laugh, his body, his heart. My own heart squeezed painfully and I pulled another long drink.

This wasn’t real, I kept telling myself. There was no way things had just ended, no way we were now apart. He said I was his heart, and you don’t leave your heart behind. You can’t live without your heart.

I was just finishing the second glass and filling the third, and unfortunately the last, when I heard the front door open.

It must have been very late, or very early, depending on how you looked at it, and Kellan was home from a night with the guys at Pete’s.

He strolled into the kitchen and casually tossed his keys on the counter.

He paused when he noticed me standing in the room. I wasn’t usually awake this late on nights I didn’t work.

“Hey.”

I turned towards him but never stopped drinking my glass to answer.

At the movement, I noticed that my head was starting to swim. Good.

I studied him silently. His blue eyes had a slightly glazed look. He must have had a couple, or more than a couple, with the band. His clothes were the basic look he preferred wearing - a just tight enough t-shirt, faded blue jeans and black work boots. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was my grief, but tonight, he just looked extra-incredible. His hair, tousled and messy, was sexy as hell. Wow, I thought, with the part of my brain that still could, drinking him in was more of a distraction for me than the wine.

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“You okay?” He cocked his head to the side a little while he looked at me quizzically. It was unbelievably attractive and I stopped drinking for a moment.

“No.” The word sounded slow to me, the wine working fast in my body. I felt steady enough to quickly add, “Denny isn’t coming back…we’re done.”

Instantly, his gorgeous face filled with sympathy and he walked over to me. For a second, I thought he was going to put his arms around me.

My heart started beating faster at the thought. But he leaned back against the counter instead, resting his hands behind him. I continued drinking my wine and watched him, watch me.

“You want to talk about it?”

I paused. “No.”

He glanced over at the empty wine bottle on the counter and up again, at the glass I was just finishing. “You want some tequila?” For the first time in what felt like years, I smiled. “Absolutely.” He reached to open the cupboard above the fridge, to rummage through a stash of alcohol bottles that I didn’t even know were in there.

Reaching up like that caused his shirt to stretch in delightful ways, showing just a hint of the skin at his waist. The painful thoughts of Denny were slowly fading, watching this absurdly attractive man.

Damn, he was sexy.

He found what he wanted and twisted back around to me. I sighed as his shirt lowered. Sudden loneliness washed through my alcohol-soaked brain. I was alone now. I had moved all the way out here to be with Denny and now I was completely alone. I watched Kellan’s body move enticingly under his clothes as he grabbed us glasses, salt and limes. My loneliness faded and started transforming into something else entirely.

He finished pouring and with an alluring half-smile, he handed me my drink. “Cure for heartache, I’m told.”

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I reached for the glass and my fingers brushed his. That slight touch caused heat to rise up my hand and I idly thought
he
might be the better cure.

I had seen numerous people at the bar do shooters. I had done them before. But the way Kellan did it was so downright sexy, I felt a little dirty watching him. The wine surging through my system turned every move he made erotic, apparently. He used a finger dipped in alcohol to wet the back of his hand, then mine. He shook a little salt over them while I wondered at how my hand suddenly felt warm where his touch lingered. I watched his tongue lick his salt away, his strong jaw line move, as he quickly tilted back the shot of tequila, and his lips curl as he sucked on the lime. It took my breath away.

Gathering myself, I took my shot and then the tequila hit me. Where the wine had burned, this scorched. I made a face and Kellan chuckled at me; it did delightful things to his smile.

He immediately poured another. We didn’t talk. I really didn’t need conversation right now anyway and he seemed to sense that. We silently did our second shooter and I managed to not make a face this time.

On our third shooter, my body was warm and tingly. I had trouble keeping my eyes focused, but I still watched every move Kellan made as closely as I could. If I were in his position, I would have been very uncomfortable being relentlessly stared at like that, but he acted like he didn’t even notice. I remembered his “adoring” fans at the bar and thought maybe he was just used to it.

On the fourth shooter, I could tell that Kellan’s eyes were even more glazed-looking. His smile was loose and easy. He slightly spilled the tequila, filling our shot glasses, and he laughed when he took his lime. I watched him sucking on it and had the craziest, most intense need to suck on it with him.

By the fifth shooter, all the despair, loneliness and pain from earlier in the evening had completely changed into something else…desire. More specifically, desire for this god-like man in front of me. I remembered the electricity between us a few nights ago and, real or not, I wanted to feel that passion again.

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Without thinking, I did what I had wanted to do on that very first shot. I grabbed his hand, just as he bent down to lick the salt away. I lightly pressed my tongue against the back of it, the salt pleasantly mixing with the taste of his skin. His breath caught while he watched me down my shot of tequila. I quickly set the glass down and placed the lime wedge in his partly opened mouth. I brought my lips to his. I half sucked on the lime, half pressed against his lips. Fire burned though me.

I pulled away from him slowly, taking the lime with me. His breathing was faster and a little ragged. I carefully took the lime out and set it on the counter, licking my fingers in the process. Kellan took his shot of tequila straight, his eyes never leaving mine. He roughly set down his own glass, licked his lower lip once, and grabbed my neck, pulling me back to his mouth.

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7

Chapter

Mistakes

My first mistake was the bottle of wine. My second mistake was the tequila shooters… But currently, only the searing throb of my headache concerned me. The light blazing brightly through the window made my eyes water, but when I closed them, the room started to spin so much that I had to stare at one spot on the ceiling and hold my head perfectly still. I groaned. God, was I still drunk?

With only my eyes, I tried to look around the unfamiliar room. Holy crap….this isn’t my bed! Looking down, and instantly regretting it as my head felt like it might explode and the room circled crazily, I noticed my naked body entangled in strange sheets. Holy crap…I’m naked!

I tried to settle my body perfectly still and think through the haze to remember last night. Oh…god…no… Suddenly, I knew exactly where I was. I looked over to the other side of the bed, but it was empty, Kellan was gone. My head, and now also my stomach, protested vehemently at the swift movement.

Damn, damn, damn
,
I thought, suddenly irritated. I pressed my fingers to my temple, hard, trying to forcefully stop the merciless beating.

Memories flooded my brain. Like a bloody accident - I didn’t want to watch, but I couldn’t stop myself either.

That unbelievable first kiss – eager, intense, and so full of passion. The hand
behind my neck tightening as he pulled me closer. Another hand clutching at my
lower back. Him slowly pressing me back into the counter and then lifting me
up onto it. My legs circling around his waist. My hands tangling in his hair.

His intoxicating smell, the taste of tequila on his tongue…

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The momentary memory of tequila made my stomach lurch uneasily.

Not wanting to lose my stomach in his bed, I risked the horrible swirling sensation and sat up. Waiting a second, for my head to clear and then realizing it wasn’t going to, I looked around for my clothes. I could only find my tank top, hanging haphazardly from his guitar by the bed. Crap.

I slowly put it back on and stood, stumbling slightly. Seriously, shouldn’t I be fine by now? I looked over at the clock…2:30? Already? So much for school…my psych class was nearly over. I cautiously made my way to the door. My underwear was lying near it. I sighed and carefully leaned over to pick them up. Quickly I pulled them back on, as my stomach turned dangerously.

Somewhat dressed, I decided modesty was now the least of my problems. I had no idea where Kellan was anyway and I knew my stomach was no longer joking around. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time to heave noisily into the toilet.

Leaning my head against the cool porcelain, more memories flooded my brain.

…Kellan’s hand moving across my throat, his lips following. My head falling
back, eyes closing. Breathing heavy. Moaning softly. Exhaling raggedly. Pulling
his shirt off. His gloriously stunning chest. Hard muscles, soft skin. Kellan’s
breath coming harder as my fingers moved down his chest. Him groaning
lightly and pulling me closer to him. His arms sweeping around me and picking
me up. Moving to the stairs…

My stomach heaved again and sweat dewed my brow. Ugh, I hate tequila. More relentless memories…

…Stumbling to the ground drunkenly on the steps and both of us laughing.

Being sprawled across the steps, him heavily on top of me. Kellan mumbling

“sorry” as he ran his tongue up my throat. Gasping as his arousal pressed
against me. Sucking his earlobe. Warm lips on mine. Hands roughly pulling off
my pants…

Oh, I thought distractedly, while my stomach flipped, that’s where my pants are.

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…Me trying to unbutton his jeans and laughing at my numb fingers not being able to move properly to do it. Kellan lightly sucking my bottom lip. Stroking his chest. A hand caressing my breast under my tank top. Lightly biting his
shoulder. Fingers slipping into my underwear, circling the slick skin before
pressing into me. The passion in his eyes as he watched my breathless reaction.

Begging him to take me to his room…

Oh god, I cringed. I begged him, I actually begged him…someone please kill me now! And at that, my stomach heaved again.

…Being scooped up. My underwear being ripped off. Kellan kicking off his
shoes then taking off his jeans while I laughed, since I still couldn’t do it. Him
laughing with me as he pulled off my tank top. A soft tongue dragging along my
nipple, teasing, tasting. Playfully being pushed back onto his bed. Pulling off his
boxers. Taking in the sight of his glorious, naked body. The humor ending, as
things got suddenly very intense. His eyes raking over my body, his lips on
every inch of me. My fingers on every inch of him, tracing every perfectly
defined

muscle.

Kissing

his

strong,

smooth

jaw…neck…throat…chest…abdomen. The way he groaned when my tongue
swirled around the tip of him…

Feeling slightly better with my stomach, I sat back on my heels and made myself remember the rest.

…Kellan flipping me to my back and pushing smoothly inside of me. Gasping
with the pleasure of it. Our hips moving together. The rising and falling sensations. The pleasant noises he made. The surprising noises I made. The seemingly
long time everything took, as our drunken bodies absorbed every sensation. The
warmth of his breath on my neck. Grabbing his head and holding him close, as
we approached the final moment - so intense, so unbelievable. Crying out in unison as we came together. Feeling the warmth of him releasing into me. Panting
breathlessly with him as our hearts slowed down. Staring into each other’s eyes.

Losing consciousness in his arms…

I stood shakily, but more securely, and washed my face, brushed my teeth. Surprised, I realized that last night with him had been…amazing.

I walked to my room deep in thought and stopped just inside the door, looking at the perfectly made bed. All the feelings from last night, of
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Denny and I ending, that I had repressed with alcohol, and Kellan, came crashing down on me. I sank to my knees and sobbed.

I don’t remember when, but at some point in the day, I went downstairs and grabbed my pants from the steps. I slipped them on and stood at the bottom stair, not knowing what to do now. I was desperately thirsty and my head still throbbed, but mostly, my heart ached.