Thoughtless (19 page)

Kellan flinched a little. “No, actually, I’m going to go lie back down.

Glad you’re home, Denny.” He walked by him, avoiding his eyes, and I heard him head back up the stairs.

Denny watched him leave, frowning. “God, he looks awful. Wonder what happened to him?”

“Probably some girl.” There was some irritation in my voice when I said that, and Denny looked down at me.

“Everything all right between you two, while I was gone?” He smiled when he said it, so I wasn’t sure if he suspected anything or not.

My stomach gave me a fluttery panic attack, but I managed to smile and slip my arms around his waist. “Except for how much I missed you, everything was fine.” I felt horrid. Maybe I should just tell him?

His eyes glowed with warmth and love as he looked down on me. I realized then, that I couldn’t tell him, even if I wanted to. I couldn’t stand those eyes looking at me in any other way. He leaned down and kissed me sweetly. “I missed you too…but…”

I pulled back and looked at him cautiously. “But, what?” He sighed softly. “I don’t have a job now, Kiera. We can’t stay here on just your income. I need to meet some people today, see if I can’t get something lined up.” He shrugged and looked at me hopefully.

I bit back my irritation, remembering all that he had given up for me.

Remembering how much he should be angry at me…if he only knew.

“Right now…?” I asked, equally hopeful that he would decide to start
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tomorrow, and I could have him for a full day, after so much time apart.

I could skip school, heck, I could skip work, to be with him today.

“I’m sorry. I need to get on this right away. I know a half-dozen people I could talk to today.” He pulled me up from the chair into a hug and I closed my eyes, wishing he would stay, but knowing he needed to leave…yet again.

“Fine…” I lifted my head up and kissed his neck. “I know you’ll find something…being brilliant and all.” I half-grinned at him. “No worries, right?”

He laughed. “Right…she’ll be apples.”

I frowned. “I’ve never understood that one, but…yeah.” He smiled as he looked down at me. “How did I get so lucky?” he asked me softly.

I couldn’t stop the small tears of guilt from springing to my eyes. If he only knew…he wouldn’t think nearly as highly of me. Taking my tears for happiness, he kissed my cheek and led me back upstairs, where he got dressed and ready to leave to try and find some work. I sat on the bed, watching him in silence. I tried not to worry about him finding something…and tried not to feel guilty about it either. But the guilt came anyway. Guilt over the loss of his job, guilt over Kellan, over the secrets I had to hide from Denny now. I had never had any secrets from him before. I didn’t like it.

He kissed me goodbye on the bed, eager to get a jump on his hopeful day. I kissed him back and wished him good luck. I could hear him walk down the stairs, hear the door close and hear his car pull away. Loneliness swept over me. How did forty-eight hours change…everything? I stayed on the bed for awhile considering that, and then with a sigh, I got dressed for school.

I didn’t see Kellan again, as I fixed my hair and makeup, grabbed my book bag and a jacket, and made my way outside. I looked over at the empty driveway. Kellan would have to pick up his car from Sam’s later, I thought idly. I looked back at the house, at the window that looked into
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the kitchen. Surprisingly, Kellan was standing there, watching me leave, his face unreadable. I started to wave goodbye but he turned almost immediately and was gone. I swallowed back the sudden emotion. How badly had I messed up our friendship?

My head was impossible to keep in the lectures today. I kept drifting between happiness that Denny was back, to guilt that he’d given up so much for me, to guilt that I had been unfaithful to him, to grief at the loss of my friendship with Kellan, to irritation that I didn’t seem to mean as much to Kellan as I’d thought, to irritation at myself for wanting it to mean something more to him, back to guilt, that he was taking up so much of my thoughts and not Denny, which started the whole vicious cycle again. My head hurt by the end of the day.

Denny was still out job-hunting when I got back home. I walked through the front door and decided that a little mindless TV might distract my dark thoughts. As I looked into the living room, I saw that Kellan was sprawled out on the couch, still in his boxers, staring at the TV, but probably not even seeing it. I debated just going upstairs and hiding until Denny got home. I shook my head a little, putting down my bag and hanging up my jacket. As casually as I could, I walked into the room and sat down in the chair opposite the couch. Eventually things would have to get back to normal, this weirdness would have to pass, and I didn’t want to prolong it by avoiding him.

He flicked his eyes to me as I sat down, and then resumed silently watching his dull TV show. Suddenly uncomfortable, and thinking maybe this was a bad idea, I swallowed and scanned the room. The couple pieces of art that Jenny and I had picked out really had brightened up the place. That and the few photos I had taken of all of us and scattered here and there. It made everything much cheerier. I know guys usually don’t care about décor, but it had seemed sparse, even for a bachelor. Maybe he had a strict landlord. Great, maybe I’d messed up more than he let on by putting this stuff up?

Staring at a picture of the three of us, smiling and happy, back when things were simple, I asked him a question without pausing to consider it. “Who do you rent this place from?”

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His voice from the couch was cold and flat, his eyes never leaving the TV. “I don’t. It’s mine.”

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “How did you affor…” I didn’t know if that sounded rude or not, so I didn’t finish my question.

He flicked another glance at me, and answered with, “My parents.” His eyes went back to the TV. “They died in a car crash, a couple years ago. Left me their…palace.” He waved his hand to indicate the room.

“Only child and all…” He said the last part like his parents wouldn’t have left it to him, if there had been a choice.

“Oh…I’m so sorry.”

I was wishing I could have rewound time a few moments and kept my big mouth shut. He still looked to be ill, and this conversation was probably not what he wanted right now. I was a little surprised that he had answered me though. I looked around the room again and remembered how barren it had looked a few short weeks ago. It certainly had never given me the impression of a childhood home.

“Don’t be. It happens.”

He could have been talking about his pet dying, not his parents. I remembered Denny’s comment about Kellan’s family life. I wanted to ask him about it, but it didn’t seem right, after the night we had shared together. That had definitely been intimate, but somehow, asking him about his family felt even more intimate.

“Why do you rent the room then? I mean, if you own the house?” Why was I still having this conversation with him?

He turned his head to look at me thoughtfully. He started to say something, but abruptly shut his mouth and shook his head. Turning back to the TV, he coldly said, “The extra money comes in handy.” I didn’t buy it, but I didn’t press him either.

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Suddenly feeling sorry that I ever brought up what had to be a painful topic for him, I went over to sit on the edge of the couch beside him. He looked up at me warily. “I didn’t mean to pry, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He swallowed forcibly and I watched the movement of his throat idly.

Purely intending to give him a hug, as he seriously looked in need of one, I leaned over across his chest, bringing my hands underneath him.

He radiated warmth, but he was shaking slightly, breathing shallowly.

He left his arms on the couch, not returning my hug and his body stiffened slightly. Sighing softly, I remembered how easy and comfortable touching him used to be…apparently, that was gone now too. I pulled back a little, to ask him if he needed anything.

My breath stopped when I noticed his face, his eyes. His face looked pained, like I was hurting him. His eyes were gazing past my shoulder, intently focused on anything but me, and they were narrowed in anger.

His breathing was shallow and fast through his open lips. I immediately let go of him.

“Kellan…?”

“Excuse me…” he said roughly and sat up on the couch.

I lightly grabbed his arm, not knowing what I was going to say, just not wanting him mad at me. “Wait…talk to me, please.” He slid his gaze over to mine, his eyes cold and angry. “There is nothing to say.” He shook his head, irritated. “I have to go.” He brushed my hand away and stood up.

“Go?” I asked quietly, staying where I was on the couch.

“I have to get my car…” he said as he left the room.

“Oh…but…” I stopped talking as I heard his door shut loudly.

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Mentally, I slapped myself. Way to inappropriately bring up a painful subject and hurt your roommate, that you also inappropriately had sex with just a couple of days ago. Smooth Kiera. Man, I was on a roll.

I stayed on the couch, watching TV but not seeing a frame of it, my mind too lost in thought. Kellan came down the stairs awhile later, fully dressed and showered, his wavy hair damp and delightfully messy. His face was pale and his eyes looked tired, but he did look slightly better.

He didn’t look at me, but grabbed his jacket, like he was leaving.

“Kellan…” I said his name without thinking. For some reason, I just didn’t want him to leave yet. He looked over at me, his eyes that had been so cold earlier, looked a little sad now.

I stood up and walked over to him. I started blushing as I approached him, feeling incredibly stupid for our earlier conversation and for the other night. I quickly looked down but not before I saw him frown at me.

When I could see his boots in my vision, I stopped, figuring I was close enough.

Still looking down, I mumbled, “I really am sorry about your parents.” I risked a look back up to his face.

He visibly relaxed. I hadn’t realized he had tensed up on my approach. He looked at me thoughtfully for a second before responding.

“It’s okay, Kiera,” he said quietly, his eyes still sad.

Are we okay? Are we friends? Do you care for me? Do I care for you? I had so many questions, but watching his sad, blue eyes watch me, my brain couldn’t form them. Not knowing what else to do, I leaned over and kissed his cheek. He looked away and swallowed, then turning from me he headed out the door.

I went to the kitchen and watched him from the window this time. He stood on the sidewalk with his fingers on the bridge of his nose, like he had a headache again. For a moment, I wondered what he was doing, but then I remembered that his car wasn’t here. Within moments, headlights splashed against the window as Griffin pulled up in his VW Van-agon, which on any other day I would have found funny. Kellan went around to the other side of the car and looked back at the window before
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getting inside. He startled a bit at seeing me in the window watching him. Then he stared at me with an intense expression that made my heart beat faster. Shaking his head, he turned away and got in the car.

Seconds later, Griffin drove away.

Looking dejected, Denny came home about twenty minutes later; must not have gone well. New guilt surged through me as I painfully swallowed a lump. Would this crushing guilt ever leave me? He put on his best, fake smile and sat on the bathroom counter, making small talk with me as I got ready for work. He always tried to make me happy, always tried to spare me pain.

He gave me a ride to work, asking me about what I did while he was gone. Most of it I had already told him on our numerous phone calls, and, of course, some of it I would never tell him, but I managed to remember a few funny stories that I hadn’t mentioned. We laughed as I re-minisced all the way there. We were holding hands and still chuckling over some stupid comment Griffin had made one day, as he walked me into the bar.

Instantly upon seeing Jenny’s jaw drop, I remembered just how much had changed since my half-shift last night. She composed herself and walked over to us, grinning from ear to ear.

“Denny! I’m so glad to see you.” She flew into his arms to give him a huge hug.

A little surprised by her enthusiasm, he blinked and awkwardly hugged her back. I couldn’t help but laugh a little. She was obviously so happy to see him, because she was happy for me - that we were back together, but Denny, not fully comprehending that, had the cutest confused look on his face.

Jenny pulled back and playfully smacked his face. “Don’t ever make my girl break up with you again – she was a mess!” Then she lightly kissed his still bewildered face on the cheek and turned to give me a hug.

“See…I told you it would work out,” she whispered in my ear.

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Grateful, I returned her hug. “Thank you so much, Jenny.” I pulled back. “I still owe you half a shift. Don’t forget you’re leaving early tonight.”

She smiled at me and grabbed my arms. “I didn’t.” She nodded over to a handsome man at the bar. “That’s my date…” Denny and I both turned to look at him while she continued, “We’re going to that new club in the square as soon as I get off work.”

Smiling, I turned back to her. “Why don’t you go now? Grab some dinner first or something. Monday’s are pretty quiet…and I really do owe you.”

She looked back to him, then to me, her beautiful face frowning a bit.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind staying a few hours…at least ‘til after the dinner rush fades.”

Denny perked up. “I’ll help her.” He smiled over at me. “I wipe down a pretty mean table.”

I laughed at him and turned back to her. “See, we’re good. Go…have fun.”

She laughed and hugged me again. “Okay…thanks.” She kissed Denny again on the cheek. “And, thank you, Denny. Good to see you again, really.”

Smiling, she headed to the bar and chatted with her date, then headed to the backroom to change. I turned to Denny, who was smiling softly at me. “A mess, huh?” he asked quietly.

I shook my head at the memory of just what that break-up had put me through…and what I had stupidly done to ease the pain. “You have no idea, Denny.” And, please let it stay that way…

His smile left him and he pulled me in for a hug and a tender kiss.

Someone in the bar groaned dramatically and laughing, we pulled apart.

“Come on…” I tugged his arm, pulling him to the backroom. “We have work to do!”

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The next morning, I came down to the kitchen and stopped in the entryway. Kellan was already there, of course. He was waiting for the coffee pot to finish brewing, leaning back against the counter, head raised to the ceiling, apparently deep in thought. He was, once again, stunningly perfect, like yesterday had never happened. His eyes slid over to mine, once he noticed my entrance. He half-smiled, but his eyes were cold, distant. Great, still awkward.

“Hey,” I whispered.

“Mornin’.” He nodded at me, his eyes never leaving mine.

I finally looked away from his intense stare and grabbed a mug from the cupboard. I waited in silence for the pot to finish brewing, wishing things weren’t quite so weird between us, and feeling guilty that they were. Finally, the coffee was done and he poured his mug then held the pot out to me.

“Would you like me to fill you?” The odd way he phrased it made me look up at his eyes again. They were still cold, but he was now grinning mischievously at me. It made me very uncomfortable.

“Um…yes.” I couldn’t think of any other way to answer his almost crude sounding question.

My response made him grin wickedly. “Cream?” I swallowed, not liking the look on his face or his odd sounding questions. What was with him today? I think I would have preferred his silence. “Yes,” I finally whispered.

He grinned and went to the fridge to grab some for me. I briefly considered leaving the coffee and heading back upstairs, but he was back before I could move. He held up the creamer. “Just let me know when you’re satisfied.” His voice was low and smooth, and still very cold.

He watched my eyes while he poured, and only a fraction of what I usually used came out before I told him to stop. He leaned in very close to me and whispered, “Are you sure you want me to stop? I thought you liked it.”

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I swallowed loudly and turned away from him. He laughed coldly while I fumbled through getting some sugar and stirring my coffee. Seriously, what the hell was with him?

His eyes never leaving me, he finally asked, “So you and Denny are…’back on’?” He said the last two words rather suggestively.

I blushed. “Yes.”

“Just like that…” He cocked his head to the side, which was usually endearing, but at the moment looked almost threatening. “No questions asked?” I panicked a minute, wondering what he meant by that. Did he change his mind about telling him? I searched his cold eyes but they told me nothing. Smiling oddly, he asked, “Are you going to tell him about…” He made a crude movement with his hands and I blushed more.

“No…of course not.” I looked away from him and then quickly back.

“Are you?”

He shrugged. “No, I told you I wouldn’t. It doesn’t matter much to me anyway.” His voice was ice, it gave me chills. “I was just curious…”

“Well, no I’m not…and thank you, for not telling him…I guess,” I whispered. My irritation at this odd conversation suddenly flared.

“What happened to you the other night?” I blurted out.

He grabbed his coffee mug and grinned wickedly, his eyes boring into mine. He took a long draw without answering. His grin was answer enough. I decided I didn’t want to know what, or who, had ‘happened’

to him. Not being able to take his weirdness anymore, I turned with my coffee to head back upstairs. I could feel his eyes following me the entire way around the corner.

I tried to forget about Kellan’s oddness and lose my problems in my schoolwork. I was in one of the libraries (and it was quite possibly one of the most impressive libraries I’ve ever seen – very Harry Potterish) getting some studying done in the hour I had between Lit and Psychology, when a familiar looking redhead came close to my table. She frowned
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over at me and I frowned back, wondering why she looked so familiar. It took a second before the springy red curls registered in my head.

Candy…Kellan’s over-eager fling. I cringed and quickly looked down as I realized just how much I had in common with her now. She walked rather stiffly back to a table where two of her friends were waiting. I guess Kellan had never called her; she looked pretty miffed. She pointed over at me and her friends gaped openly. I tried not to notice. I didn’t see how I could be so interesting to them anyway.

Later in Psych, both of the girls she had been talking to, who I had never realized were even in that class, plopped down on either side of me. “Hi,” the blonde one cheerily said. “I’m Tina. This is Genevieve.” The brunette smiled warmly and waved.

“Hello,” I said meekly, wishing to suddenly disappear.

“Our friend, Candy, said she saw you at school with Kellan Kyle a while ago…that true?” Tina asked excitedly, barely containing her glee.

Okay, right to the point. “Umm, yeah.”

She glowed and her friend giggled. “Ohhh – you know him?” Mentally I cringed; boy, did I ever know him. “Yes, he’s my roommate.”

The brunette, Genevieve smacked my shoulder. “Shut up!” I thought Tina might have a coronary. Gathering herself, she leaned into me, like we were suddenly best friends “What was your name again?”

Not having said it before, I quietly answered, “Kiera. Kiera Allen.”

“Kiera, so tell me, are you and Kellan like a…thing?” Genevieve asked suggestively.

Mentally wincing, I looked at the wall clock and cursed the professor for being late, today of all days. Without looking at her, I answered, “No.

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He’s friends with my boyfriend.” That was a mostly true statement, I guess. I didn’t know what Kellan and I were…especially now, but we were most definitely not a “thing”.

That seemed to make both of them even giddier, like my statement had completely removed me as an obstacle to them. It un-nerved me, and oddly made me relax a little. I guess I should have expected his pseudo-stardom to follow me, but I hadn’t, and I really didn’t want anyone to analyze our relationship. I couldn’t even do that. The less they thought about me the better.

“Damn! He’s so hot!” Genevieve exclaimed. “Tell us everything –

every juicy detail!”

“There’s not much to tell…he’s just a regular guy.” True, a very hot guy, who was an ass to me this morning, but a regular guy. I had no idea what else to tell them, and the juicy details that I did know, I most certainly was not about to share. I really would rather sit here in silence and listen to the professor, who had finally shown up and was preparing to start class, but the girls didn’t seem to care if he was there or not. Not with me, a spy on their rock-god, here sitting beside them. They did lower their voices, but they ceaselessly asked me questions throughout the whole class.

At first I just ignored them. They didn’t stop. Then I tried answering some of the simple questions, hoping that would satisfy them. Does he have a girlfriend? No, I don’t think so. None that I had ever seen anyway. Does he play his guitar all the time? Yes. Does he sing in the shower? Yes. I blushed a little when I answered that, for some reason, and they giggled. Does he have a brother? No. I frowned a little. No, he was actually completely alone. Where do you live? Seattle. I answered that a little sarcastically. I wasn’t about to give them any more than that.