Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me (4 page)

DECEMBER 5 — 2:11 p.m.

Walking down the street, casual gait, dialing phone.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

Hey, it’s David Wain.

DEBRA

Hey, you! I thought we were gonna have a drink the other night.

ME

Yeah, you never showed up!

DEBRA

I never heard from you so I figured it wasn’t happening.

I do the old “hold the phone in front of my face and squint at it” bit.

ME

Well, hey . . . tonight I have a reservation at Joe’s Pub for this great jazz show, and we can have dinner there too.

DEBRA

Wow, that sounds really great. I’ll get dressed up!

ME

But they’ll give up our seats if we’re not there on time, so meet me out front no later than 7:45, okay?

DEBRA

I really look forward to this, David. See you at Joe’s Pub at 7:45.

DECEMBER 5 — 7:50 p.m.

Outside Joe’s pub. Freezing.

ME

Hi, Debra, it’s David. It’s ten to eight and I’m outside Joe’s Pub and you’re not here. I’ll try you at home, but I hope you’re on your way.

DECEMBER 5 — 7:52 p.m.

ME

Hey . . . David Wain. I left a message on your cell, thought I’d try you at home just in case. Call me, I’m at Joe’s Pub. Astor Place and Lafayette Street. Call me.

DECEMBER 5 — 8:06 p.m.

ME

Hey, so I’m going in. Tell the person at the door you’re with me and hopefully they’ll let you in. If you’re not coming, just let me know.

DECEMBER 6 — 11:19 a.m.

Groggy, in bed, angry, dialing.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

Hey, it’s David Wain.

DEBRA

Hey, you! What’s going on?

ME

Well . . . you were supposed to meet me at Joe’s Pub last night.

DEBRA

I know, I guess we sort of blew each other off, huh?

ME

I don’t know if I’d put it that way.

DEBRA

Hey, can I call you back in like two minutes? I have to pick up the other line.

ME

Sure. But do call me back because—

And she’s gone. Put sleep mask on, go back to bed. DREAM about horsies.

DECEMBER 9 — 7:03 p.m.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

Hey, it’s David Wain.

DEBRA

What’s up?

ME

You were supposed to call me back the other morning, and I’ve been leaving you messages for the last two days.

DEBRA

Oh shit, I suck, sorry—my mom’s been in town and I’ve been crazed.

Stand up for yourself, David! Don’t let her walk all over you like that!

ME

It’s a little annoying.

DEBRA

Can I make it up to you? Can I take you out to dinner tonight?

ME

Sure.

DEBRA

Meet me at Gusto at eight?

ME

Okay.

Check hair in mirror. Thinning, dirty, but I can make it work for a candlelit dinner at Gusto.

DECEMBER 10 — 7:03 p.m.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

Hi, Debra, it’s David.

DEBRA

Hey, you. Did you have fun last night?

ME

Definitely, though I feel like we didn’t get a chance to really talk, since there were sixteen of your other friends at the table, and the two of us literally didn’t talk.

DEBRA

I know—my friends tend to dominate the conversation. Aren’t they so funny?

No. They were not funny.

ME

Yes. They were hilarious. But . . . I went to the bathroom and then you were all gone.

DEBRA

Yeah, we didn’t know where you went. We went drinking and I tried to call you.

ME

You did?

DEBRA

Yeah, I guess your phone wasn’t working.

I stare at phone I am currently talking on. It is working.

DECEMBER 29 — 7:05 p.m.

Debra’s lobby. The doorman smiling at me, me smiling back.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

Hey . . . I’m in your lobby.

DEBRA

David?

ME

Remember, we’re going to sushi? We talked about this an hour ago?

DEBRA

Would you mind terribly if I take a rain check, David? My best friend Jeff just got dumped and I need to be with him right now.

Enough.

ME

Sure. Have a nice life.

DEBRA

Don’t be like that! I really like you and really want to see you. I want you to be my date for New Year’s.

ME

Really?

DEBRA

Yeah! We can get together in the afternoon and get dressed, we’ll have some champagne here, then party hop all night. You and me.

ME

Okay.

DEBRA

Let’s make a plan now, so neither of us flakes. I’ll come to your apartment right from work. I’ll bring a few options and we’ll have a fashion show.

ME

Fun!

DEBRA

Okay, sweetie. See you then.

DECEMBER 31 — 5:00 p.m.

New Years Eve. Crisp blue shirt is ON. Ready to par-tay. Call up Deb.

DEBRA

Hello?

ME

It’s me, David.

DEBRA

Hey! Can’t wait for tonight. I might have to stay just a few minutes late at work—the boss wants to have a New Year’s toast at the end of the day—but I’ll be there within an hour, okay?

ME

Good!

DECEMBER 31 — 6:45 p.m.

DEBRA

Hi! Don’t kill me! I’m literally leaving the office right now. I hope you have the champagne on ice! Happy almost New Year!

ME

No problem! See you in a bit.

I put on the TV. Times Square heating up.

DECEMBER 31 — 7:30 p.m.

Staring at TV. Blood beginning to boil.

ME

Hey? Where are you? I’m at home waiting.

DECEMBER 31 — 7:40 p.m.

ME

It’s David. Where are you? Call me.

DECEMBER 31 — 7:58 p.m.

ME

Okay, I don’t know where you are. I’m gonna go to my friend Marisa’s party. But I have my cell, so call me. Please.

DECEMBER 31 — 9:00 p.m.

At Marisa’s sitting on the coats, on the bed.

ME

Hey, I hope you’re okay. I’m at Marisa’s. You have the address but I also texted it to you . . . along with the number for the land line. Call me!

DECEMBER 31 — 9:45 p.m.

ME

Where the fuck are you?

DECEMBER 31 — 11:00 p.m.

ME

Fuck you, Debra.

DECEMBER 31 — 11:59 p.m.

ME

Well I don’t know where you are but it’s about ten seconds until the New Year, and I hope you’re having fun. 5-4-3-2-1 and hey! Suck my cock, bitch! Good-bye.

JANUARY 1 — 2:38 a.m.

Outside on the street. No cabs. So cold I take a piss and it freezes upon hitting the street sign.

DEBRA

Hello???

ME

Hey.

DEBRA

David Wain! Hey! David Wain! Where have you been all night? I’ve been meaning to call you!

She sounds drunk, at least.

ME

Have you?

DEBRA

I had the most insane night. I think I’m on ’shrooms.

ME

Where are you now?

DEBRA

Walking my dog. Gotta go to sleep.

ME

You blew me off!

DEBRA

No, no . . . I was with these amazing people. You should have been there. We were dancing at this surreal party. Call me tomorrow?

JANUARY 9 — 3:00 p.m.

At home. Surfing the net (not porn). Phone rings.

ME

Hello?

DEBRA

Hey, it’s Debra, I just knocked on your door. but you’re not home.

ME

Actually I am home, and I heard you knocking. And I saw you through the peephole.

DEBRA

I came over to apologize for New Year’s. Will you let me in?

ME

Sure. Leave me a message and let me know when you want to come in.

DEBRA

I’m still in your hallway, just let me in.

ME

Cool. Keep me posted, let me know.

DEBRA

Open the door!

ME

Text me!

THE END

Lesson#5

The Heart Is a Choking Hazard

by Stephen Colbert

Author’s note: In the service of this anthology, I was happy to write the following story. However, before I turned it in, I thought it best to hand it over to my wife to make sure I didn’t reveal anything too personal, say anything defamatory, or in any way appear to be holding a candle for my former flame. As a result, the story has been mildly redacted, but the heart of it is, I believe, untouched.

When I was living in XXXXXXXX I had a girlfriend named XXXXX. I forget if it had an
e
at the end. I don’t think so. I like the name XXXXX with an
e
. And I XXXXXX her. But when I try to think of how her name was spelled, there is a little disappointed ghost sitting in the place where that
e
would be.

XXXXX and I met just after college waiting tables at XXXXXXXX in XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. She was small and blonde and very XXXXX and laughed at my Elvis Costello jokes.

In a lot of ways she was good to me. She got me to stop playing that game where you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX and stab a XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX as fast as you can, changing the order of XXXXXXXX so you don’t get too competent at any one pattern. I guess I owe her one for that. Then again, she may have given me XXXXXXXXXX. The tests were inconclusive.

We dated for three and a half years, the last three of which she didn’t really want me to XXXXXXXXXXX. I never got a real reason for that. Once she said XXXXXXXX to me was like XXXXXXXXX. Another time she said my XXXXXX was too XXXXX. I’d like to think one of those answers was a lie.

After three years, she gave me The Ultimatum: either we get married or we break up. I said, “ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX or do you know some other way to have children?”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

When I got back from the trip, XXXXX was waiting in her apartment with champagne—a XXXXXing
split
of champagne, I might add—I guess she didn’t want me getting
drunk
. She toasted our time together and then broke up with me.

I XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.”

She disagreed and asked me to move my stuff out that night.

Unfortunately, XXXXX and I worked at the same restaurant. I was a lunch waiter, and she worked the dinner shift as a XXXXXXXX. (I think she was XXXXXXXX with the head XXXXXX, but that is based completely on hearsay, and I hope XXXXXXXX edits that out. But if it
is
true, and that humorless XXXXXXXXX, XXXXXXXXX did XXXXXXXX another man or
men
at the same time I was waiting like a monk for her to feel like XXXXXXXX, it explains a lot. It would certainly explain how she got XXXXXXXX when I was on the road half the goddamn year and could count on one hand the number of times we XXXXXXXX. XXXX, I could XXXXXXXXX!)

Anyway, as a waiter, my one big meal of the day was after work, and by the time my employee pasta would be ready, she’d waltz in for the night shift, looking XXXXXXXXX and XXXXXXXX, and I just wouldn’t feel like eating anymore.

I lost fifty pounds in three months.

In those early days after she broke up with me, I would go for a long run every night before bed to try to kill my brain until dawn. One night before my medicinal jog, a friend called to ask if I wanted to meet up for a beer. He was finishing a late shift at a chophouse and suggested we meet at his apartment and go out from there.

Even though I knew that he lived right behind XXXXX’s apartment, I agreed. Maybe XXXXXXXX. I’m not sure. But I ran over. (It was a short run. I had moved into her neighborhood after we broke up.)

When I arrived he wasn’t home yet. And because there were no chairs on his porch, I sat down on the decking and waited with my back against the door. From that low position, I stared out through the bars of his railing at the dark windows of XXXXX’s apartment just ten yards away, XXXXXXXX she would come home soon, and I could XXXXX her from my hidden perch. Maybe I would XXXXXXX XXXXX. Maybe not.

Her lights came on. I could see straight into her kitchen as she walked in with a man (I think it was XXXXXXXX) and lead him by the hand XXXXXXXX. The lights went off again.

XXXXXXXX minutes later, the living room lights come on, and she came out of the XXXXXXXX wearing only XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. She got a glass of water and returned to the XXXXXXXXXX, taking a small sip along the way, no doubt to XXXXXXXX the XXXXXXX her XXXXXX.

The light went out again. They stayed out for the entire XXXXXX XXXXX that I sat there XXXXXXXX behind the bars of the balcony, watching the darkened windows.

I’ve never come close to drowning, but XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXmesquite smoker XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXX on the floor of her grandfather’s cabin XXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXX

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX?!!!!! XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX behind the Roman emperor on a chain.

Instead, I just sat there.

My friend never arrived, and I later learned that he XXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. Since then, he’s become a committed Christian.

I was still in my running shorts, and the night was turning cold, so I finally pulled myself up and walked down XXXXXX Avenue toward my apartment. Halfway home, I passed a storefront with the neon sign
PALMS READ
in the window. I walked in and a middle-aged XXXXXXXX woman got up from her couch where she was watching XXXXXXXXX-speaking TV. She led me to a small room down a hall and sat down across from me at a card table. She asked for XXXXXXXXXX, and I gave it to her.

She smoothed my fingers out on the table soothingly. After a quick glance at my palm, she looked up and said tentatively, “You are a XXXXXXXX?” I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to throw her off her game this early in the prophecy, so I said she was right. She smiled and nodded and soothed my hand again. With more confidence now, she said that she could see that I was XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX but that I would soon XXXXXXXXXXXX and in the years to come XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.

She was right, on all three counts. I’ve never forgotten her words, although I’ve often XXXXXX I could forget XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXX. It’s been seventeen years, and I’ve never XXXXX XXXXXXXX and I don’t think I XXXXXXXX XXXX.

I’d like to thank my beautiful wife, XXXXX, for editing this remembrance. I’d also like to thank XXXX for XXXXXXXX me while she did. I have often heard that you never XXXXXXXX the people you XXXXXXXX. I don’t know if that’s true. I do know that I’ll never XXXXXXXXXXXX that XXXXXXXXXX, and that’s XXXXX enough.