There Once Were Stars (6 page)

“No,” he advises, giving me a reassuring smile. “You did the right thing. Go on. Now.” There’s a strain in his voice at the end of his sentence.

I’m not going to make him ask me again. I grab my notebook, and leave our apartment building. Grandfather knows something, I’m sure of it. The other thing I’m sure of is that Grandmother will be livid with me.

After a few blocks, my feet stop moving, and I look up. They’ve taken me to a familiar place—Jak’s home. It’s late, but his bedroom light is on. When I had to get farther from home than down the hall to Xara’s apartment, Jak’s place was my only option. Though his mother never approved of her only child hanging with two girls from the apartment districts, she looked the other way because of our parent’s positions in the dome. For me it was the ultimate escape. Where better than the townhouses of the business district to make me feel like I was in another world?

Jak answers my knock. Surprise crosses his smooth forehead and blue eyes, but his thin lips break into a smile. “Nat, what are you doing here?”

“Are you free? I needed to get away.”

“I was working on some algorithms for work, but that can wait. Are you okay?”

I nod and follow him inside, up to his bedroom; a place where we three friends spent many an afternoon reading books, playing games, and hanging out. It feels good to be back inside the Manning house. Jak’s parent’s bedroom door is already closed, so it’s just Jak and me. All alone.

“I can’t remember the last time you were here.” Jak laughs. He walks over to his desk and closes a notebook filled with numbers and calculations. I sit on his bed and lie back against his pillows. His desk creaks against its old joints, as he leans on it. Not even the business district gets new furniture.

“Jak, what is the worst thing you’ve ever done?”

“I don’t understand.”

Of course he doesn’t. Jak was born to serve the dome. He’d never be caught skulking in the Outer Forest, hauling around forbidden objects, like his dead mother’s work notes, or interacting with Outsiders. Not Jak. He was squeaky clean.

I sigh. “Why do you want to be a Delegate?”

He crosses his arms against his chest. “I want to work at the Axis—not as a Member of the Order, of course.”

“Yeah, but
why
?”

“To make the dome a better place. Hopefully I get to work somewhere in Policies one day.”

“You’ve always known.” I lean on my side, watching him stand at his desk. “Not me. I still have no idea.”

“You just need something that excites you.” His cheeks flush.

“Nothing excites me.”

“I haven’t told anyone,” he says, unfolding his arms and running a hand through his short blonde hair, as a flash of enthusiasm grows in his eyes. “I get to start working tomorrow in the Director’s office. They say it’s a two-week trial, but if everything goes well, it’s permanent. Guess what my title would be? Assistant to the Director!”

“Jak, that’s awesome!” I sit up and he joins me on the bed. Our fingers touch, and electricity runs up my arm again. I look at Jak’s face. He’s my oldest friend. The one I learned to ride bikes with. The one I ran races against. Jak. He has always been there for me, visiting every day after my parents died to make sure I was okay. My Jak. Why have I never seen him in this light, until now?

I lean forward, and feel Jak’s soft lips push against mine. His familiarity is a comfort. His mouth moves faster as he pushes his tongue past my parted lips. It feels awkward, but nice, and for the moment, I forget everything that is happening outside this room. For the moment, I’m carefree.

The kiss ends as softly as it began. I lean back and smile, and Jak smiles back.

“I’ve wanted to do that since we were twelve,” he says.

“You did!” I feel my cheeks get hot. “Why didn’t you, then?”

“We were barely teenagers,” he says, looking away as he wrings his hands together. “You weren’t interested in boys or kissing. At least I didn’t think you were until you snuck off at lunch one day at school, and kissed James Poole behind the locker rooms.”

“James Poole!” I burst into laughter, quickly covering my mouth so not to wake his parents. “Xara dared me to kiss him because I was the only girl in our grade that hadn’t. She bet me a chocolate I wouldn’t do it. You know me. I hate to lose.”

Jak’s face is red when he looks back at me. “I was so mad at James that I knocked him over on our way to class.” He reaches over and grabs my hand, covering it with his palm.

“All because I kissed him?”

He nods. “In that moment I realized I didn’t want anyone else to kiss you.”

I laugh, but it comes out strained. The uncomfortable feeling I got in the movie theater starts to creep back under my skin, and I try to pull my hand from Jak’s grip. “We were kids.”

His gaze bears down on me as his grip tightens. “That’s when I realized I was—in love with you.” He doesn’t take his eyes off mine, as if the answer he wants lies somewhere deep within me. He is dead serious.

“In love?”

“Yes,” he whispers. “I love you, Nat.”

A cold sweat breaks across my skin. The room feels like it’s closing in on me. Trapped. For the first time ever, Jak’s room is not a refuge, it’s a prison. His hand lets mine go, distracted by my silence, or his own confession. Whatever it is it allows me the chance to slip my hand out from under his, and rub it along my pant leg.

“I don’t know what to say,” I stammer. I look away, not wanting to see his face anymore. Uneasiness bubbles into my stomach.

“You don’t have to say anything.” His shoulders slump forward, and I feel pity for my quiet friend. I have only seconds to save this friendship.

“Jak,” I put my hand on his shoulder, “I just learned your feelings for me, which will take me time to process, but I came here to tell you something else. Something more important.”

“More important than me confessing my love?” The hurt is plain in his voice. You must have had some idea at the movies?” he asks. His eyes search mine looking for the answer he wants to hear.

My voice cracks. I’m overwhelmed by his intensity; it’s too much.

“I’m in trouble. I need your help,” I blurt out. Tears spring to my eyes.

His brows raise and then push together, and he grabs my hand again, but this time he’s gentle “Tell me what’s wrong. Let me help.”

What am I going to tell him? Confess how I’ve broken the rules all these years? Jak, who believes in the dome like no one else I know. Jak, who’s about to start working alongside the Director, the most powerful person in the dome? Jak, who loves the only person in this place who cares the least for the rules?

I stare at his face, so trusting and innocent. He’s never suffered loss. But the question is, can I trust him? I’m not sure, or am I just being paranoid? But he’s still Jak. Maybe even more
mine
than he was before I came tonight. I don’t know where to start, so I have no choice but to go to the beginning.

I tell Jak everything from my clearing in the dome, to the encounters I had with the one Outsider. But I leave out the second Outsider, my Grandfather’s ordeal with the Order years ago, and the photo I found in the elevator. I’m not ready to give everything up. I end with my Grandmother’s slap a fortnight ago, before finally releasing my tears.

Jak’s arms surround me, and pull me close, holding me tight as I sob into his chest. The information overload, combined with recent confessions, has turned me into a blubbering fool.

My mother’s notebook pokes into my side. I know what I have to do next. It’s a sacrifice for my family.

“Can you help me? I need you to dispose of this.” I pull out the notebook, and hand it to Jak.

“What?” Jak hesitates. “But that’s—”

“Yes,” I interrupt, “I know what it is. But I need it destroyed. They’ll eventually match me to the handprint. There are things my mother wrote in here; her hopes, dreams, and opinions. I don’t want the Order to be able to use it against me, or use it to drag her name through the mud. Please, Jak, do this for me.”

“It’ll be ok, Nat,” Jak runs his hand down my hair. “You have excellent explanations for everything. Yes, you knew you shouldn’t be in the Outer Forest, but it’s been a sanctuary for you since you were nine. How can they blame a little girl who lost her parents? Should you know better now? Yes, you aren’t denying that. But the Outsider? That’s not your fault. As for what happened to your parents, that’s conjecture. There will always be conspiracy stories in the dome regarding what happened to the Expedition scientists, if you listen in the right places.”

“You’re right.” I take a deep breath. It feels nice to be held like this, as he downplays my worries. He kisses my forehead, as he takes the notebook from my hands. My last real connection to my parents, gone with a kiss.

Jak walks me home, holding my hand in his delicately, as if I could break. We make our way up the street to my grandparents’ apartment. The night is perfect, and kissing him at my door, before he leaves me for the night, doesn’t seem as overwhelming as it would have a little bit ago. The thought leaves my cheeks warm, and I’m about to imagine what it might feel like, when a block away I see two Order members leaving, with Grandfather between them.

I let go of Jak’s hand and scream, “No!”, but Jak grabs me from behind, and spins me around into the wall of the building beside us, kissing me with such eagerness it hurts, but there’s no passion in it—he’s blocking me from the Order. Over his shoulder I see them disappear into their car, and drive away with Grandfather.

“What did you do that for?” I yell, striking my fists against Jak’s chest as soon as he lets me go. “You had no right!”

“I’m protecting you from yourself.” He grabs my wrists, but I wrestle free. I will not let him restrain me again.

“Go away!” I shout, turning and running into the apartment building. I brace myself between the narrow walls of the stairwell as I take the stairs two at a time. In the hallway I stumble toward the apartment, as my world begins to crumble around me. Grandfather is the last link I have to happiness. I dread a life alone with Grandmother.

The doorway of the apartment is wide open, and inside the chair and table from the kitchen are knocked over. I walk in, cautiously stepping over a spilled vase of fake flowers.

“Grandmother?”

There’s no response.

I walk farther into the apartment, and see her standing at the picture window, staring out into the empty street, where Grandfather was taken. A cluster of stars shine in the distance, forming a halo around her silhouette.

“He’s gone, Nat,” Grandmother says quietly. “He’s gone, and I don’t think he’ll ever return.”

I walk up behind her and reach out to give her comfort. But when I see her reflection in the glass, it’s not sadness that lies upon her face. It’s hate. I drop my hand and take a step back. “What happened?”

“I warned you. I warned you to stay out of the Outer Forest. I warned you to follow the rules. None of this would have happened if you had listened to me.”

I thought of my earlier conversation with Jak, and a pang of guilt cramped in my gut. None of this was his fault, but I took it out on him. But he was right; it wasn’t my fault, either. I hadn’t asked for any of this. I didn’t invite the Outsider in. So what if I went to the Outer Forest? Was that really worth imprisonment?

“They wouldn’t take Grandfather away because I was in the Outer Forest. It doesn’t make any sense.”

“Nat.” Her voice is sharp and she turns toward me. I brace myself for another slap, but she only narrows her eyes. “This has nothing to do with you. Grandfather called the Order, to try to convince them that he had something to do with the Outsider—so he could protect you. But they already knew it was you, and now they’ve taken my husband away for treason.”

“All because he lied about the picture?”

“You stupid girl. If you hadn’t been in that clearing
he
never would have seen you.”

“The Outsider?”

“Your uncle—the Order found his handprint on the outside of the glass, opposite yours. He’s alive. Alec is back.”

“Uncle Alec?” I stammer, trying to find the words to form a question, but all I can hear is,
Alec is back
. “How? You said he died with Mom and Dad.”

“Apparently not.” Grandmother steps away from the window. Her face comes into view, revealing where tears have trailed down her wrinkles to her pursed lips. “I assume that’s where this came from.” She tosses the small photo at me, then retreats to her bedroom door where she disappears, slamming the door behind her.

I stare at the photo, crumpled up on the floor. How could something so small have caused so much trouble? I know one thing that Grandmother doesn’t. The person they have in the Axis, the Outsider, is not the same person who left the handprint on the dome. My Uncle Alec is somewhere outside still. Somewhere, alive.

When I was growing up, there wasn’t enough room to mourn for both my parents, and my uncle at the same time, so I pushed Alec into a small corner of my memories. He was only ten years older than me, so I was more of an inconvenience to him than a niece, and I followed him around everywhere he went. But, he did take time to show me things he found. He was an apprentice geologist and passionate about rocks.

“Look here, Nat.” Uncle Alec would demand my direct attention. “This is a river rock. Feel it. Its roundness was formed by the water, long before the Cleansing Wars. It represents how one element can be changed by another, showing there’s magic in the world all around us. Your parents brought it back for me from one of their expeditions. One day I will get to go with them.”

And he eventually did. Like Jak, he knew the field he wanted to work in before he was eighteen. Because of his passion, he was allowed to start directly in geology when he left the Learning Institute. For that entire year, he brought more and more rocks back to study from the outside. It’s funny. I can hardly remember his face. But I can picture almost every rock he had in his collection.

But now, as I wake up, my memory haunts me with his face. Not the one from my childhood, but the one on the other side of the dome wall. My uncle is alive.