The Wrong Sister (10 page)

He winced. “I shouldn’t answer that. She is my wife. She was good this time though, wasn’t she? Vickie, I mean.”

Tracy nodded. “She was. This time. Gretchen and I didn’t intend to be mean. You just don’t understand how often we stood by and watched her do what you two were doing. The only difference this time around was the pregnancy. Other than that…”

Donny nodded. “I was the next sap.”

Tracy shrugged. “Yeah. Kind of. They were all nice guys, Donny. Strangely enough, she has good taste in men. You’d think she’d go for assholes, jerks or irresponsible losers. No. They are always the complete opposite of her. So, yeah, we’ve been there, done that. Didn’t the three marriages by the age of twenty-eight clue you in? I always wondered…”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I fell for her.”

“You sounded like a freaking moron, you know. I could hardly like you at first. You were so sappy, it was enough to make me vomit a little in my mouth.”

“Okay, I deserve that. I realize now… we weren’t really real. It was all…”

“Sex?”

He dropped his arms to his side and felt defeated. He could no longer defend what he and Vickie did, or how they did it, and yes, how juvenile and cringe-worthy they must’ve appeared. “Yeah, sex. I confused infatuation and lust with love.”

“Do you now? Love her, I mean? You said you did.”

“I want to.”

“Is that a yes or no?”

He shrugged. “I honestly don’t know. But she needs me to right now. I just have to make sure she gets clean. Maybe then, we can figure something out for real. I can’t give up on her yet. Not like this. Not when she needs me so much. And if we can figure things out, it’ll be so much better for Julia.” He closed his eyes and shook his head. “Or at least, I hope it will be.”

Tracy stepped back. “It will be. Keeping the parents together is always better.” With that, she spun on her heel and headed inside. He turned and stared at the lake. It was better… usually. But what if, this time, it wasn’t?

TRACY LEANED OVER KYLIE and smoothed her hair back. She cried herself to sleep and her cheeks were still wet. Gretchen sat on the other side of the bed, holding Tracy and Kylie’s hands. She, too, had tears in her green eyes. In tandem, they quietly stood up and backed out of her room. Next, came Ally. Tracy’s heart felt heavier. Kylie was the kind who accepted what her mother said, while Ally questioned everything, and usually included a well thought out opinion that she was anxious to share.

Gretchen had a lot of good things to say about how to handle everything. Be honest. Be kind. Listen to what the girls had to say. Reassure them. Love them. Simply, be like Tracy always was. There was no protecting them from it, no matter how much she wanted to.

“Do you want me to go in?” Gretchen asked.

“No. Ally just needs me.”

Gretchen squeezed her hand. “Okay.”

Ally sat on her bed with earphones in, her knees drawn up to her chest. She was tall and skinny for her age. Her breasts were just starting to develop. She was right on the brink of discovering herself, and analyzing her childhood while questioning her parents’ authority. Micah could not have picked a worse time to leave Ally. To leave
them
. It made Ally doubt everything about her life. Ally’s gaze found Tracy when she sat down on the bed next to her, and she turned and leaned against the headboard so they were side by side. They didn’t say anything for five minutes.

Finally, Ally said in a mean, cold voice, “I hate him. I will always hate him.”

Well, at least she was clear on how she felt. Kylie was so confused, she trembled in fear one moment, and got angry the next.

Ally was enraged. She suddenly looked up and demanded, “You hate him too, right? I mean, you don’t still love him, do you?”

They all still loved him. Tracy bit her lip to hold in a sad smile of irony. Her fierce daughter was trying to protect her broken heart from the man she idolized the most.

Gretchen advised her to be honest… What did she feel? How could she be honest when there didn’t seem to be any words to describe what she felt?

“I do for this moment. I do because he hurt me so much. And hurt you so much. I do because there were so many things he could have done differently or done better. But I don’t know if that will last. I’m also so sad. Sad he left. Sad he’s gone. Sad we have to deal with this.”

Ally fisted her hands in her lap and threw her iPod off the bed. Tracy wanted to admonish her for treating her stuff that way, but instead, she just leaned over and wrapped an arm around her. Ally stayed stiff against her. “He doesn’t deserve our tears. Or hurt. Screw him, Mom! If we meant so little to him, then screw him!” It was a lovely, wonderful, warrior sentiment. Too bad the tears streaming down her face betrayed everything she said. Tracy stretched out and pulled her older daughter next to her. Ally fought her at first, but finally leaned into Tracy, resting her forehead against Tracy’s chest. She cried and sobbed, asking why her dad left her. Why didn’t he want her? What could they have possibly done that was so bad he had to leave them?

Ally suddenly sat up and wiped her face with her hands almost angrily. “
Why did he leave us
? I don’t understand. What did we do wrong?”

“Nothing, honey. Oh, my girl, you didn’t do anything wrong. Neither of you did.” She grabbed Ally’s face and stared hard into her eyes, trying to fill Ally’s heart with her complete and utter certainty this was not their fault, but Micah’s. She held Ally’s gaze before she spoke with emphatic confidence. “You did nothing wrong. Ever. This is on him. He did this. Not you. Ever. Please, please believe and accept that.”

Ally’s lips trembled as she finally whispered, “Why doesn’t Dad love us enough to stay? Why doesn’t he love
me
enough?”

Tracy pulled Ally forward against her again. The lump in Tracy’s throat was too big to speak over. She could not find the words to comfort her daughter, or even soothe her broken heart. She simply cried into Ally’s hair and convulsed in tears.

That was as honest as she could be. There were no words, only deep, physical, grief and confusion and sadness.

****

And so it started. The first day passed. The second day passed. The third day passed. A week passed. Their new, terrible life kept moving forward no matter how much they tried to resist it. No matter how many tears they spilled, or angry words they hurled, nothing changed the reality. The girls skipped school the rest of the week and the next, as well as all their usual sports. But by the following week, Tracy determined it did them no good to sit at home. They were miserable at home, or at school. At least, school provided some structure and gave them a few moments to forget the neglectful emptiness that awaited them at home where their father no longer resided.

Gretchen, Tony and Olivia stayed with Tracy for a full week. Olivia understood grief. Her own father died when she was young, and the grandmother, who raised her, died less than two years ago. She was a good kid to have around. She let the girls cry and carry on at times, while at others, she took them away to do things that helped them forget for awhile. Gretchen kind of did the same for Tracy. Tony was quiet and sweet to her. He was unobtrusive, which she appreciated. He spent a lot of time going through everything in Micah’s office, and made a list of what he found that needed immediate attention. He hired a neighbor kid to take care of the yard and any outdoor chores that needed to be done. Tracy was grateful for the help, since she couldn’t find the wherewithal to concentrate on any task. She’d try, but nothing could captivate her attention. She was completely preoccupied with her grief and her kids’ grief.

On day four, one of her daughter’s friend’s parents called to confess her complete shock and offer her sympathy. She was the first of many. Although Tracy knew her interest wasn’t malicious, it would, nonetheless, travel around the small circles of town as gossip. It really was that tasty of a tidbit and especially because it was about Micah and her. They were the kind of couple that no one thought would ever divorce. Ally told her best friends, and Kylie told a couple of friends, and from there it started. Then, each day, the phone calls and emails increased. The displays of sympathy came too. Next, ready-to-heat dinners from concerned friends and neighbors started showing up on her doorstep. It was nice. And awful. No woman wants to be the pitied, pathetic, abandoned wife.

She was, however, that woman now.

Donny and Vickie laid low that week. Her mother told her Vickie was going to rehab on October sixteenth. She, Gretchen, and her mom had several long, drawn out conversations about Vickie, and Micah, and her. It was an unprecedented time for a family who preferred to completely avoid any drama or conflict. Now, their entire family was the center of two big scandals.

She heard from the people at Micah’s work. Their shock was exponential. His boss called her with a detailed description of all the evidence the police found, and the warrants out for his arrest. She had the honor of being interrogated. She surrendered everything they requested from her without a thought of refusing. Tony, however, stepped in and said no, then hired an attorney to protect her interest. Now the case was being handled through the attorney, who Tony paid the bill for. Another validation for her constant praise and gratitude to those around her.

Nobody heard a word from Micah.

She lay in their bed each night alone and stared at the ceiling. She couldn’t sleep anymore. She watched the night countdown to morning. When she did sleep, it was fitful and filled with awful dreams that symbolized the anxiety of her life, and impeded any actual rest. She cried silently in her bed every night. When no one else was around. Where no else could witness it. No one could understand it. Her feelings were so volatile at first, but had now settled into a fist that remained lodged in her chest. She hurt all the time and physically ached. Her heart ached from longing, her throat ached from unshed tears, her stomach ached from raw nerves. She was sick and tired, but nothing could relieve it.

Night was the only time she cried now. Alone. Quiet. She started to embrace the grief that was now her constant companion.

The girls floundered completely, which Tracy fully expected. Both were moody and withdrawn, but in completely different ways. Ally was snarky and difficult, while Kylie completely cocooned into herself. Nothing excited her anymore. She didn’t smile. She didn’t laugh. She didn’t gush about her latest crush at school. She had nothing left inside her. It was like a blank wall had swallowed up her heart and soul.

Tracy put them both in counseling. What else could she do? The insurance, however, was now gone. She had new forms to fill out, and agreed to let her parents cover the costs. That path, however, was becoming far too familiar and well traveled.

Donny called and asked if Tracy would take Julia. She pressed her fingers into the phone to keep from flinging it across the room.
Damn him! Damn Vickie!

“I told you I don’t want to right now.”

“Please?” was all Donny said. He didn’t continue to talk. He didn’t guilt trip her. He just asked in a soft, gentle tone.

“What’s happening today?”

“Gayle’s coming with us. We’ll check Vickie into rehab first thing in the morning. And then I guess I go to work. It seems strange to drop her there and leave.”

“You know, I’m supposed to have class.” Tracy hadn’t been to class since Micah left. She hadn’t really done anything, except the laundry. She did a few loads when they ran out of clean underwear. They ate whatever meals she could make from a box or were frozen. She did the dishes sporadically. She hadn’t dusted, vacuumed or scrubbed anything since Micah left.

She knew she had to get herself together. There was too much stuff to do. And she needed to get a job. She needed to start tending to herself and her kids and this new life of theirs. But instead, she did nothing.

“How is she?” Tracy wished it was happening any other time. She would be there, full front and center for her little sister. It’s just that there was so much in her own life for once, she couldn’t muster any concern for her sister. That was sad, considering it was the first real challenge her sister had to deal with.

“She’s okay. She doesn’t want to do this. But she’s doing it.”

“Alcoholic. I still can’t believe it.”

“Yeah, well, I still can’t believe Micah did what he did. To me. And to you.”

To him. She felt an inner sigh stirring her soul. There was no end to it. “Okay. Drop her here.”

Instead of relief, he was quiet. Then, “Thank you. You are…”

“So freaking wonderful my husband ran off and created another identity. Just drop her off.”

“Yeah, well, my spouse finds me so wonderful, in response to my request, she could do something while I was at work, she turned most of my white work shirts pink.”

“She did not.”

“Oh, she so did. She has a hellacious temper. I could tell you stories…”

“I don’t think I can listen. She’s my sister, so I have to take her side.”

He laughed. “Good luck with that.”

Donny showed up half an hour later. His expression was contrite as he handed over Julia and her things. He kissed the top of her head. She couldn’t fault him for the love, attention, and care he showed his daughter. He looked almost as exhausted as she felt. They both seemed to age a decade in the last few weeks. He didn’t smile like he used to. His expression was stern and his mouth tight with his jaw locked.

“Five?”

“Yeah. I’ll try to get here by then.”

“Five, Donny. I have a lot to do now with my own kids. There’s no one to take up my slack.”

He nodded. “Why don’t I?”

“Why don’t you… what?”

“If you let me work until six, I’ll grab dinner and bring it by. Then I can help you for awhile. Dishes. Homework. Whatever you need. That way, I’d be paying you back a little. What do you say? It’s not like I want to go home and sit in my quiet, empty house.”

“You miss her already?”

“I already missed having a normal house to come home to, period. I feel so guilty, I’ll take any distraction.”

“Even me?”

He grinned. “Even you.”

She shrugged. She didn’t care what she did anyway. Each day came and went, no matter how little she cared. Or what she did. “Fine. I’ll see you at six.”

And so began the next strange phase in her life. She and Julia were together all day long, since her own kids got home after three. She wondered sometimes, how she became, once again, a stay-at-home mom. It was not what she wanted to do; but it was better, she supposed, than doing nothing.

Donny soon started bringing home restaurant takeout or fast food each night. She should have started cooking. Eating out cost a lot more, and it was less healthy. But still, she let him. He came every night and they all ate at the bar, or in front of the TV. There was no formal sit down dinner, or a set table each night, like they had with Micah. They grabbed whatever they wanted to eat, with whatever drink they wanted. They didn’t bother with any niceties. They just ate. The girls talked sometimes. Other times, they didn’t. Donny felt comfortable because he wasn’t really a guest or company. He didn’t expect anything out of Tracy, and neither did she from him. They often ate in silence, or talked to the girls, or simply watched the news. They never inquired how each other’s day was. And they didn’t talk about the family. They didn’t even talk about Micah. They didn’t talk about Vickie either. They talked about Kylie and Ally; Julia was always a distraction. That ended their conversation. But each evening, they didn’t eat completely alone.