The Wraiths of Will and Pleasure (57 page)

He stared at her gravely, raised her hands to his nose, closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, then said, ‘We’ll see.’

The others returned, bearing several large flagons of wine, and the five of them applied themselves to the task of getting drunk. Dancing had started in the courtyard of the palace, but after a few hours, this spilled out into the gardens, until the lake was surrounded by cavorting bodies. Musicians ran among them, playing fiddles, banging drums and tambourines or blowing pipes. The infectious riotous mood was impossible to resist and so it was that Lileem found herself dancing with Terez and they were spiralling away from the lake, towards the shadows of tall trees, where the grass underfoot was wet with dew and smelled like the elixir of life. The moment the darkness beyond the lantern light enfolded them, it seemed the sounds of the festival faded away. The song of the wind, high in the trees, was very loud. Terez and Lileem shared breath, still dancing, until they both came to a standstill and drew away from one another. Lileem could barely make out his features in the dim light. He took her hand and they walked in silence, deeper into the trees, where the gardens of Kalalim melded into the wild landscape beyond. They found a hollow, surrounded by gnarled ancient evergreen shrubs: a spidery nest of crackling old leaves.

Lileem was so intoxicated, by both the wine she’d consumed and the mind-altering effect of prolonged breath-sharing, she already felt as if reality was falling apart. The only thing that existed in the world was the combined essence of herself and this har. She had never felt like this with Mima. He put his hand beneath her shirt and she was sure her skin would be scorched. Flakes of it would turn black and float away, up into the night sky, to mingle with the cinders of the fires burning in the palace gardens.

She pulled away from his mouth, gulping for breath, feeling the night air sear her lungs. She could barely see: boiling specks of light occluded her vision. With great effort, she ordered her thoughts:
remember what Mima said. Remember it!
Her head was aching so much she thought it might explode, while her body ached in a different way that was not pain. She pushed Terez onto his back, lunged to nip his throat, ripped open his shirt. In the dim light, his skin seemed to glow. He was perfect. He seemed to be half-conscious and barely moved as she scrabbled to remove his clothing. For a moment she knelt over him, debating for the final time whether she could or should do this. Ultimately, reason had no say in the matter. She opened her trousers and pushed them down.

He made a strange sound as she entered him and his body shuddered beneath her. Lileem could not concentrate on observing effects. Neither could she be like Mima had been and bring this to conclusion swiftly. It was too sweet.

Dear, beautiful Aru,
she thought,
god of all gods
.

Around her, the air was cracking open. She smelled an alien wind. So be it. Let it happen. She raised her head and her hair whipped around her face, tangled by cosmic breezes. There was a place. It was dark, so dark, and the sand there was scoured by an incessant storm. Booming sounds, like gargantuan machinery. An opening in the ground. Steps. Covered in sand. And the smell: like nothing. There is no smell like that. She felt she was climbing a ladder. A ladder of five rungs and when she reached the final rung, something would burst open, and there’d be another space beyond, and the rungs would be invisible in white light. It was the cauldron of creation and it would take them to this other place, the place of sand. In this place, all questions were answered.

At that moment, the tongue of her ouana-lim shot forth like the tongue of a snake and made contact with the fifth energy centre within Terez’s body. There was nothing she could do to prevent this. They both reached a climax and the otherworld shut down, like a series of great doors slamming, one by one.

Lileem poised shuddering, her upper body reared above Terez. She saw a shower of spectral light flecks falling down like snow. When they touched the ground, they disappeared.

Terez uttered a long, sighing groan. Lileem pulled away from him and lay by his side, cradling his head. His forehead and hair were damp. He was shaking and she thought it was from pain. She’d torn him, hurt him. ‘Terez,’ she murmured. ‘Say something. Speak to me.’

For a moment, he was silent, then he said, ‘Did you see that place?’

‘Yes.’

‘Where is it?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘It was so real. And we were there. Nearly. Not a good place.’

‘It was just different.’

‘No. Bad. I
know
it.’

He went limp against her and she held him tight. The dark place. He’d been there before. She thought it was the place where he’d been trapped after Mima had snatched him from the Uigenna.

For an hour, Terez slept, his head on Lileem’s chest. She lay on her back, staring up at the treetops and the stars beyond them. For a few short moments, she had been among the stars. She had not been in this world. Was this terrifying? No. It was wondrous. It was perhaps the reason for her existence. She had a power, and only with hara could she access it. There were rumours that parazha had somehow disappeared completely, but that was because they were ignorant and afraid. Lileem did not feel that way. If she could get Terez and herself there, she could also bring them back. What was that place? She was convinced it was of great importance. It was the secret landscape that became accessible only if conditions were right. It might exist, right here and now, all around her, but invisible to her mundane perceptions. It was not like the otherlanes, not a rushing void, but a different world. She wanted to walk upon it. She wanted to descend the steps she had seen and find out what lay at the bottom.

Eventually, Terez stirred. He sat up and rubbed his face for several minutes, pressing his fingers deep into his eye sockets. Lileem was afraid he’d gouge out his own eyes. Then he shook his head wildly and stretched. ‘That, I presume,’ he said, ‘was what you meant about squishy reality.’

‘Yes. Wasn’t it amazing?’

Terez made a non-committal sound. ‘I wish we’d brought something to drink with us. I feel like I could drain the lake.’

‘It’s really important,’ Lileem said. ‘It’s something we need to know. All of us.’

‘Mmm,’ Terez murmured, in a way that signified: absolutely not.

‘Tell me you’re not interested. Go on – be like all the little hara who just do what they’re told and believe what they’re told. Tell me this isn’t yours for the taking.’

She could feel his attention riveted upon her.

‘What exactly did you see, Terez?’

‘It felt, for a while, like I was back in that hideous no place,’ Terez said, ‘but now, I don’t know. There’s something underground.’

‘I know. We have to find it.’

She could barely see him, but she could tell he was still staring at her. She could feel the stream of his thoughts. Whatever he might say, Terez wasn’t afraid. He didn’t fear anything. He was the only one. ‘I couldn’t stop myself,’ she said, ‘but we finished it too quickly. Somehow, we have to go beyond that, and not lose control.’

‘And if we get there? What then?’

‘We take a look around and come back.’

‘How, exactly?’

‘The same way we got there.’

He was silent.

‘Terez,’ Lileem said, ‘we can live in Roselane, safe little lives, and then die. Or we can take a risk and do this, and perhaps find out something important. I feel this so strongly. Don’t you think this was meant to happen? You and me drawn to one another, the only two hara in the world who aren’t stupid and scared, and are willing to take a chance?’

‘You flatter me,’ he said dryly. ‘I’m scared shitless.’

‘But that doesn’t mean you won’t do it.’

‘No, it doesn’t mean that.’ He groaned. ‘We can’t do this tonight. I’m sore and possibly bleeding.’

‘I’m not,’ Lileem said. ‘Mima said it was more powerful when she was soume. That’s what we have to do. You’re more experienced than I am. I’m sure there are more than five centres in the soume-lam. You could hold the moment and go beyond the fifth centre.’

He laughed. ‘Not sure many hara are
that
experienced, Lee. What you’re talking about – it sounds like conception. I’ve heard that there are two more energy centres, but they are only accessible during the intense aruna involved in creating harlings. Beyond the fifth centre, we are no longer just in our own bodies. It is communion with the source of all things, inside us and outside us too. We could give birth to rather more than another world here.’

‘I don’t care. In some ways, that would be a bonus, and a right smack in the eye to Tel-an-Kaa and her righteous kind, who say hara and parazha can’t come together.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Never mind. I’ll explain another time. Are you brave enough, Terez? Are you as brave as I am?’

‘Your strategy is transparent,’ he said, ‘and if I do this, it’s not because I’m trying to prove anything.’

‘I know. It’s because you want the knowledge, as I do. You were given a glimpse of something once, and you’ve never understood it. This is a way to find the answers.’

Ulaume was not really surprised when he realised Flick was no longer around. He looked up at the mountains and there was a white spectre galloping up one of the hillsides. Even from this distance, Ulaume could tell it was Astral. The horse moved like no other: a sigh of vapour over the land.

Sighing, Ulaume went back to their original table, but all his friends had gone. Time to think. He had tried hard over the last few weeks to reach Flick, to claw out the root of the problem. Even Ulaume didn’t really believe it was anything to do with Terez. But Flick was unreachable. He was distracted all the time, eaten up by something of which he could not speak. It had got to the point where there was no contact between them, and Ulaume lay awake many nights, with what seemed like yards of cold bed between him and Flick, knowing Flick was also awake, a thousand troubling thoughts cascading through his mind. Did he now have to accept that his chesna-bond with Flick was over? Should he move out of the house? Should he find somehar with whom to spend the night? He rested his forehead against the table and groaned. It seemed an age ago when he and Flick had talked about being chesna. Simply by voicing it, Ulaume was sure he’d somehow killed it stone dead. And perhaps the first signal of the real trouble: the night when Terez had arrived and Flick had told Ulaume he loved him.

‘Go home,’ Ulaume told himself aloud. Think of the sand, of the silence, of Lianvis. Go back to him with a thousand new experiences to tell over a crackling camp fire.

But he knew he could never be happy among the Kakkahaar again. Lianvis probably wouldn’t even recognise him and no doubt had installed another har in Ulaume’s place years ago.

A hand on his shoulder prompted him to raise his head. Not for one moment did he think it would be Flick, but he was sure it would be Lileem. Instead, he saw Tel-an-Kaa towering over him. She was clearly surprised to see him upset. ‘Are you all right?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘If you’re looking for Lee, I’ve no idea where she is.’

Tel-an-Kaa sat down. ‘I can find her later. Don’t worry. What’s wrong?’

Ulaume knew he was about to open his heart to the Zigane, and once this was done, he’d have to make plans for the future. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth, but before the first words came out, Mima threw herself down beside him. ‘Lor, need to talk,’ she said.

‘Don’t we all,’ he muttered.

‘What’s wrong with
you
?’ Tel-an-Kaa asked Mima.

‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘Family stuff.’ She paused meaningfully.

Tel-an-Kaa got to her feet and raised her hands. ‘Get the message. I’ll go and look for Lileem.’

‘Do,’ said Mima and her voice was cold.

Ulaume waited until the Zigane was out of earshot, then said, ‘What’s the matter?’

Mima scraped a hand through her hair, which was matted and wild from her frenzied dancing. Her breath smelled of wine. ‘Not sure,’ she said, ‘maybe nothing. Lor, Lee’s missing and so’s Terez.’

‘So? They might have gone home. You know what Lee’s like. She sometimes can’t hold her drink. Also, this is a massive crowd. You might simply have missed her. Nothing bad can happen to her here, Mima. Don’t worry.’

‘She’s not here, Lor, I know it.’

Ulaume shrugged. He really didn’t care. His whole life was lying in shattered little bits around his feet. ‘What do you want
me
to do about it?’

‘I think… I think she and Terez have gone off together. I think she’s going to do something stupid.’

‘Don’t be daft.’

‘I’m not. You must have noticed the way they are with each other.’

‘It’s just play. Terez knows Lileem is different. He wouldn’t desire her, Mima. No har would.’

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ Mima snapped. ‘How can you be so… so… blind, prejudiced and pompous! Not all hara think we’re disgusting freaks!’

‘Hey, I never said that!’

‘Didn’t you? How dare you! How fucking dare you!’