The Weight of Love (20 page)

“It took me a while, but I learned that every time I listened to my heart over the noise, things turned out okay.”

It hits me again how much this woman has opened her life up to me.
“Thank you. I mean, I know I keep saying that. It’s just, I just…”

“I’m thrilled you’re here.” She puts a hand on my shoulder.

“I think I love your son,” I blurt. Then I have to look away. How upset she’ll be. Sidetracking her son on a mission.

She puts an arm around me. “I love you, Jaycee.
You and Bridger both. I’m so glad you two are here.”

“It feels ridiculous, right?
I mean, I don’t know him. Not really. I don’t…”

She shakes her head. “You do. You know the most important part, and that’s how you feel when you’re together. I’m just guessing here, but that part will carry you through all the practical stuff if you let it.”

I let myself breathe and let myself believe her. “Is this okay with him? With you?”

She chuckles. “I
think he’s every bit in love with you as you are with him. He’s thrilled you’re here. I’m thrilled you’re here.”

It only takes one glance at her know she doesn’t think it, she knows it.

This is really real. What might be my new start. “He’s home soon.” It comes out in a rush of breath.

“Very.”

Good. This waiting is the worst kind of torture. And now I feel a little more certain about why I’m here, with his family. My spot of hope is the largest it’s been. I let my head rest against her shoulder and her arm comes around me.

Will I get this?
These wonderful people? It doesn’t seem like it could be real.

44

ELDER WORTHEN

Kat lost her dad in the fire. Five people from their
village were killed. It’s a huge blow to the community. Tanner won’t leave her side. I’m brought back to Manokotak. Leaving Tanner was hard. Staying in touch with him will also be hard, but I learned too much from him. My brief experiences with him are something I’ll always carry with me. And hopefully he’ll carry something he learned from me with him.

I’m on t
he plane on my way to Anchorage. My time there is short. I want to ask for a computer while I’m in town, but I’m
afraid
to ask.

I
write her a letter on the plane since I’m not sure if I’ll get a chance to email. There’s no point in sending it, since I’ll be there before the letter would. At least I’ll get my thoughts down.

After all that time in dirty clothes, in the mud, I feel weird in my suit.
Too clean. Why did it matter so much before? My car, my clothes, my…
everything
. It was all a show, and it just doesn’t matter, doesn’t make a difference, not in the things that are important. Not with Jaycee, not with my eternity, not with my Father in Heaven.

Jaycee –

You’re right. My car is obnoxious
, but I still love it. Do you know how little you actually need to survive? So little. So little that it’s kind of amazing.

After my first business deal, I was hooked. I worked hard. I made a lot of money. I bought a lot of s
tuff that doesn’t matter.

I watched a woman who’d just lost her husband cleaning out her house and it made me wish I’d been able to be there for you.
I watched a young native boy be frantic because he thought he might have lost the girl he loved in a fire. All of this, these experiences—I can’t believe I thought about coming home early. I would have missed the most important part. The most important part aside from meeting you.

We’ve been in
Manokotak cleaning up after a small flood that ruined half the homes in the town. The ones that are left look ruined, but I’m told they always look that way. I’m sort of in awe. These kids are smart, capable, and fun. They choose to live out here and carry on the traditions they’ve been raised with. Even this time of year when the water is especially frigid, they can reach into this muddy river and pluck out small fish. It’s amazing.

I want to share with you the story of Tanner and I riding
all night on the four-wheelers, but I’ll save that for when I’m home.

This has changed me in a way I didn’t expect to be changed. It makes me realize how arrogant I still was when I got here.
On my mission. It felt like I was doing a good thing, a great thing, a humble thing. I left my money and my car and my house and my job all behind me to serve the Lord. In my mind, that put me way up near perfection. But not really.

All I could think about was buying you a new car and putting you in a beautiful new house, but now I get it. I don’t care about anything. I care about nothing but you. Because when it comes down to decisions and knowing what I really, actually want. It’s just you. You matter most. Everything else is extra.

I know this is crazy Jaycee, but I love you. I love who you are and I pray that you’ll have me, take me despite my faults with the knowledge that I’m a work in progress.

Love, Mitchell

Now I hope she gets a chance to read it because I have no idea what’s been happening in her life the past few weeks.

45

JAYCEE

I’m in a sort of panic now. He’ll be here so soon. Does he know how damaged I am? How my emotions make me crazy? How I’ve been down here for close to three months and still don’t have a clear answer about what I’m doing?

I’m exhausted. The stress of thinking about him and waiting for him has taken me over.
Instead of thinking about it all again, I sit down at the computer and type.

Mitchell –

One of the perks of
hanging with your family is that I know your name. I have for a while.

I need to just write it, right?

Your mom said you love me. Is it true? Does she actually know, or is she just guessing? It makes me wonder when it started. Did it happen at the same time as it did for me? The first time I saw you in the foyer… it hit me like no one…

But Matt. Right? Isn’t that what I mean?

… but Matt. I won’t compare you two. There is no way to compare. The way I feel is too different, but just as strong.

Am I brave enough to let that stay in there? Instead of thinking, I keep typing.

I need you to know that sometimes being around his family is hard. Not being around them is hard. This is just something you need to know about me. I might cry on his birthday. I might cry on the day I was told he was killed.

No one’s
lips have touched mine since his.

I’ve felt a little lost since I got down here. All I get when I pray is patience and wait. Maybe I’m broken there, too. I’ve thought about you every day. Every day.

I’m down to counting hours. I will also probably regret sending this, but I’m completely determined.

And no matter how you feel about me, I
think I love you, Jaycee

I hit send.

Then panic.

Then I feel relief that I’ve said some of the things I needed to say. Then I go to my sent box and delete it, as if that’ll make it disappear from cyberspace. It’s probably already in his inbox right now. Do I want him to have it? Not want him to have it? I’m not sure. It’s too late, and the fact that I have some relief over it being too late for me to change it, is a good thing.

~
~ ~

Bridger has been in bed for hours. Today is Elder
Worthen’s last day in the mission field. All day I’ve been running through my head what he’s probably doing. It’s made me crazy with anticipation.

The house is still, dark, quiet. I have a
small lamp on in the downstairs. The amber light floats around in the small room. It’s midnight here, that’s ten p.m. in Alaska. He’s probably arriving at the airport. Checking his bags. How does he feel? I’m not sure. Did he get my email? Do I want him to?

He’ll be here in hours. Hours. Days are no longer counted. My stomach is raveled up in tiny, tight knots, growing tighter as I think about his return. There are times when I’m so sure of us, of him and I. And there are other times when I feel like it must all be imagined, that he feels bad for a girl in my situat
ion and that’s all. That maybe I’ve dreamed up all the rest. I have no idea what it’s like to go on a date with him, or have a movie night at the house. All the little things are still a mystery.

A tear burns the edges of my eyes as it drops to the couch underneath me. I’m a mess. What am I going to do?
Breathe
.
Pray
.

But even before I close my eyes, the warmth spreads through me. I don’t know if it’s a confirmation of my fears, or a confirmation of what I’m realizing is my greatest hope. How could I mistake the hug he gave me, which I know is completely against the rules?

It’s now one a.m. and I’ve given up on sleep. I set my phone to wake me at six, just in case.

~
~ ~

“Jaycee
? Are you ready to go?” Lynn calls down.

Yes.
Because I had nothing else to do all night.

I step quietly up the st
airs. “Bridger is still asleep. I’ll meet you at the Stake Center or home later on.” Only I’m crushed and devastated I won’t see him.

Her brows pull together “I’m sure I could find someone to sit at the house.”

“I’m afraid to leave Bridger with a stranger. Today will probably be exciting enough, you know?” And I’m also afraid of what these last bits of waiting will do to me, but I just can’t leave Bridger today.

“Okay.” Lynn gives me a soft smile. “We’ll see you soon.”

46

ELDER WORTHEN

F
or a few more minutes…

I can’t believe I made it. My walk through the Salt Lake airport takes an eternity. It’s like a different world. Coming from a muddy, cold village of just over a hundred people to Salt Lake City is messing with my head.

Jayc
ee will be here, maybe Bridger. I’m breathing hard, but not from the exertion of walking fast. My lungs just won’t fill up.

My eyes lift from the flo
or. Thankfully Mom stopped Jennie from banners or balloons, but Jaycee isn’t here. My heart drops. Drops. What does this mean? I realize how much I relied on seeing her this morning. If I hadn’t gotten that email from her, the one I’ve run through my head all night on the plane, I’d be a wreck at her absence.

“Mitchell!” Jennie throws her arms around me as soon as I step through security.

“Hey there, little sis.” I pull her into a hug.

As soon as my arms release Jennie, I grab Mom.

“Bridger was still asleep, and Gage wanted to come, but opted to sit in the car this morning.”

“Oh.”

“She’ll meet us at the church.” Her hand rubs my arm.

“Does she want to?” This is my un-subtle way of asking where I stand.

“I don’t think she slept all night last night.”

“Well, that makes two of us.
” I release a breath.

Now I feel like a jerk because my family’s here, and all I can think about
is seeing Jaycee. Holding Jaycee.

“Probably just as well.” Mom slides her hand through my arm as we walk. “I don’t think you’d be able to keep your hands off of her.”

Probably not. Still, it sucks.

It takes an et
ernity for my bags to come down. I keep checking the clock. I know the Stake President has a lot to do, and I’ve asked for kind of a special favor in getting released this morning. Right away. As soon as possible. I’m anxious.

Gage leaps out of the car, and I almost don’t recognize him. He’s a man. Two years turned him into a man.

“Hey, Brother!” I grab him in a hug and slap his back.

“You got here just in time. I leave in a month
for my mission.”

“California, right?”

“Yep.” He stands tall.

“You’ll do great.”

He looks down.

“Don’t worry.” I pat his back again.

“Ready to get out of here?” Mom sits in the driver’s seat.

Jennie takes the passenger’s side, leaving Gage and I the backseat.

“Very.”

- - - - -

We pull up to the Stake Center and I feel another stab of disappointment when the building is empty aside from President Sites. Why isn’t Jaycee here?

“Elder Worthen.” He reaches out a hand.

“Thanks for meeting with me this morning.” I take it.

He stands and stares at me for a moment. “I can’t believe you’re here. After all of that life you went out and lived, and you’re back, and things went well.”

I nod. It feels good.

“Come on in.”

I follow him to his office. One last step.