The Weight of Love (18 page)

40

ELDER
WORTHEN

We’ve been digging in mud and water that feels cold enough to be frozen, but isn’t frozen. It’s sticky. There’s no good place to wash clothes, not now. We use the hose on the outside of the new, but unfinished, school building to knock the big chunks off our clothes at the end of the day and then everyone lets them dry in one of the locker rooms. Though, dry is a bit of a misleading statement, because everything feels damp.

The other locker room is used for showers. We shift.
Girls for an hour, boys for an hour.

I never, I mean never, thought I’d be doing something like this when Mom and I were at Nordstrom’s picking out my missionary suits. My hiking boots are close to ruined from all the water and mud, and I’ve never been so tired, cold and sore in my whole life.

“Chicken nuggets tonight.” Tanner laughs as he sits down next to me.

“At least I
don’t have to eat another fish,” I tease.

His smile widens. I realize that without even noticing, I judged the native people up here. Part of me thought them less, and I didn’t even
know I felt that way until we came out here to help.

“Why are you here?”
he asks.

I tell him the same thing I’ve told him before. “I’m a missionary, you know from…”

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.” He rolls his eyes. “I know. I want to know why
you’re
here.”

I breathe out. “I got off track, and this seemed like a good way to get back on.”

“You seem distracted, that’s all.” He shrugs.

“A girl,
” I tell him. Seems harmless enough.

“One you left at home?” he asks.

I debate for a moment. “One I met while out.”

“How does
that
work?” Tanner has some idea of our restrictions.

“I met her, and I fell in love, and she doesn’t know and it kills me. She’s been through so much, and I’m not sure how she feels about me or anything.”
Just like with Hales the other night, it all just comes out.

“Wait, wait, wait…” H
e shakes his head. “You’re in love with a girl and she doesn’t know? That’s the height of idiocy, man.”

“How
old
are you?” I ask.

“Nineteen.” He smiles wide.

The girl I’ve seen him make eyes at for the past few days walks by where we’re sitting. “Nuggets in a few more minutes,” she says.

“Thanks, Kat.” His eyes light up.

“You’re one to talk,” I whisper.

“Oh, no. She knows I love her.” He turns his head toward her. “Isn’t that right
Kat! I love you and one of these days you’ll realize you love me, too!”

She shakes her head and disappears into the cafeteria of the school.

“I’m restricted.” I shake my head. “It’s not the same.”

“If you’re in love, there’s nothing,
nothing
, that should keep you from telling her. At least let her make a decision having all the facts.”

I’m an idiot. He’s right.
It’s simple, right? Was I just hiding behind my nametag so I wouldn’t have to put myself out there?

No.

Maybe a little.

I’m
desperately trying to do the right thing. “Well, I’m stuck out in the mud-hole right now with no way to reach her.” I jab his side with my elbow.

He laughs. “Yep, that causes a problem. But as soon as you get out of here, you call her or write her, or do whatever you’re allowed to do. Make sure she knows.
Kat lives in Aleknagik, it’s a
long
30 miles, and she still knows…”

“I’ll do that.” And it feels good to be taught by someone else. I’m going to miss Tanner.

“She heads home tomorrow.” He breathes out. His face falls a bit.

“So, are you two a thing?” I ask. He brought it up, seems safe to ask.

“She loves me. She just doesn’t know it yet.” His smile is the same wide, confident smile he showed me on the day he and his group drove out to pick me up. And I really believe that he’ll get the girl—eventually. Or maybe that’s just my hope that their story will end as well as I want mine to.

41

JAYCEE

The routine of dropping of Bridger and having a day to myself is sort of awesome. I’ve read one book after another from Lynn’s shelves in her basement and enjoyed the warm spring mornings.

I re-cross my legs and turn a page in
Mitchell’s copy of
Great Expectations,
when Gage comes outside. I’ve been watching Gage since we moved here, but he doesn’t talk much, not outside of dinners together. I’m not exactly sure what to say to him. How to talk to him. I rest the book on my lap. I’m sure he’s watching and aware, just like Bridger is always watching and aware—even when he seems like he’s in his own world.

“Why are you here?” Gage sits down. His eyes float over my face a few times and then look down and across the yard. This is what I’ve learned to expect from him. “Itchy” is the word he used to describe what it feels like to look at me directly.

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds uncomfortable, and I guess that’s the point.

“Did you hear me?” he asks.

“Oh.” I sit up. What am I doing here? Right. “Do you not want me here?”

“What?” he asks. “That’s not what I said. I just
asked what you were doing here.”

“In Utah here?
In your house? Or on your back porch?” I try to laugh, but it comes out kind of strange because I don’t know Gage well, and I’m still not sure what he thinks of me.

“I guess all three.” His deep blue eyes float over my face again.

“I guess I’m in Utah because I prayed about it, even though I’m still not completely sure why I’m here. I’m at your house because your mom asked me, and as selfish as it feels, I love it here. As for the porch—it’s just a really warm, nice day.” I watch Gage for a reaction.

“I thought you came to Utah because of my brother.”

“I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t part of it.” Can I be this honest with Gage? I’m not sure.

“So, coming to Utah was partly because of my brother.”

It makes me crazy that I can’t read his emotions well. “Is that okay with you?” I ask.

He smiles. “I never liked the girls that Mitchell dated. I’m glad you’re here. Maybe he won’t be stupid and you’ll stick around.”

“And that would be okay with you?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

I feel like more a part of this family than I ever did with Matt’s. Not that I didn’t and don’t love them in their own way, but these people feel more like my people. Like the people I’d want to be with. The people who could maybe be in my eternal realm. It’s huge. More than huge.

I’m not sure if I can wrap my brain around that right now. And I should probably wait until I can talk to Mitchell before I start jumping into thou
ghts that revolve around the two of us.

Now I want to ask Gage
what his life is like. If he hates it. If he likes it. There’s no good way to bring it up. Not that I can think of. “Are you happy, Gage?”

“What.” He clasps his hands on his lap. “Because I’m Autistic?”

“Um…” Now I wish I could backpedal.

“That’s what you wanted to ask, right? Probably because you’re worried about Bridger?”
Once again his eyes dart around my face, and then rest on his lap again.

“Yeah.” I suck in my bottom lip, waiting for his answer.

“Bridger will be fine. We’re only different because most of the population doesn’t think the same way, but I like the way I think. Sometimes Mom and I will be working on something, and I just get it, and even when I explain it to her, she still doesn’t get it. I sometimes wish people would treat me less like I’m weird, but I’m learning to know that their hang-up and not mine.” He doesn’t sound sad or frustrated. “But at the same time, I don’t like it when people are too loud or touch me, so maybe it’s just as well.”

“Good. I watch you two together, and I think you’re giving him something that I can’t. Some level of understanding.” Will he know this is a compliment?

“At his school, too,” Gage says.

“I hope so.”

“I’m glad you followed your prayers here, Jaycee.” His cheeks turn pink.

“Me, too.” And his simple gesture of welcome sends tears to my eyes. “Can I give you a hug?”

“Of course.” He smiles and leans forward in his chair.

He doesn’t get too close, and I’m still sitting down, but it fee
ls good to have this connection with him just the same.

When we pull away, he scratches his shoulders where I touched him. The
one thing I’m learning quickly is to not be offended by his actions. And I guess that’s something I’ll need to remember when dealing with Bridger.

“Thanks for coming to sit with me,” I say.

“Do you mind if I stay? While you read?” he asks.

“Not at all.” I lean back into my chair and pick up my book. “You can come sit next to me while I read anytime.”

“Thanks.” His head turns and his eyes meet mine, just briefly before he looks away. “I like being around you.”

“I like being around you, too.”
And even though it’s small, and maybe not that big of a deal. It feels good to have a better understanding of Gage and what may be Bridger’s future, or some of it.

I let myself sit back.
I open the book to my spot and try to continue reading, but the moment my eyes hit the words on the page, I replay my conversation. I like Gage. I like all of them. I’m falling in love with his family and hoping that’s what Mitchell would want.

- - - - -

I step outside to pick up Bridger from school.

“Jaycee?” Lynn asks from the door.

“Yeah?”

“Would
you mind taking Mitchell’s car? It needs to be filled up, and it makes me nervous to drive.” She’s leaning outside, resting her arm on the doorframe.

“It makes
you
nervous?” I laugh once. “I don’t like traffic in more than four lanes and the freeway
still
isn’t traveled by this girl.”

“If you really don’t want to, I’ll do it later on, but I know it isn’t good for it to sit empty, and I forgot.”
She hasn’t moved.

His car. Okay, so there’s part of me that thinks the car is obnoxious, and then there’s another part of me that would love to see what it’s like to be be
hind the wheel of something so…beautiful.

“Okay, but if I wreck his car, I’m blaming you.”
I turn back into the house.

“Bridger’s school is close, and thank you.” Lynn pats my back
as I walk past her into the house.

It’s so natural, so easy being here, that I sometimes forget I don’t really belong. My hair’s in need of a cut, so I throw it up into a messy ponytail and walk through the garage.

I climb into Mitchell’s car. Mitchell, the guy I’m slowly learning about. The guy with the Mercedes. I take a deep breath before hitting the garage door button. I can do this. It’s just a
car
.

But as I drive down the street, I quickly realize that it’s not just a car. It’s like floating, like dreaming in a vehicle.
It’s like there are no wheels, so ruts, no bumps. It’s amazing. So, I’m still judging him for his car, but not completely. I mean, it does have four doors instead of two. It’s not red. It could be much worse.

Bridger jumps up and down with excitement at riding in something that’s not our truck, and I
even spot a gas station that’s on our way home. One where I can turn right to get into it and right to get out of it. Perfect.

It takes me a minute to find the button to open the gas tank,
and I’m glad I thought of it before standing outside of the car like an idiot.

I lean against the car while it fills up. Okay, I feel a little cool leaning against this gorgeous car.

“Is that Mitchell’s car?” A thin, lithe girl with definitely fake blond hair (I can tell only because I do hair. It’s flawless) asks.

“Yeah.” It comes out slowly. Who is this girl?

She puts two perfectly manicured hands on her hips. “So, is he back in town again?”

“Uh…
no.” I shake my head.

She gives me
a once-over. Taking in my messy pony-tail, clean face, T-shirt, jeans, and sandals. “Yeah, I didn’t think so. You don’t look like one of Mitchell’s girls.”

I chuckle. What else can I do? I’m not one of his
girls
. “Who are you?”

“Caroline.”

Of course.

“So, he’s mentioned me.” Her smile is smug.

I’ve never been in a position like this before. I’m not sure what to do. “In passing.”

“Well, tell him I said hi.” Her thin legs, skinny jeans
, and heeled sandals walk away.

What am I thinking?
I hate this, but my hands are shaking as I close up the gas tank and climb back into the car. I don’t enjoy the rest of the drive. The car is simply a reminder of all the reasons that I should probably leave someone like Mitchell alone. How could I have thought he wanted me? After someone as gorgeous as
her
?

One thing’s for certain.
It only took one minute for me to feel like an idiot, and to start questioning all my silly whims about him since arriving. He was just being nice sending me to his mom. Nothing more.

- - - - -

“I don’t want to be the wife of someone like that. Does that make sense? But I also don’t know if I want to be with someone who’s like a shadow image of Matt. I’m so confused, Kyla. I never in my life thought I’d be so confused.” I slump even lower in Mitchell’s bed.

Kyla lies down next to me.
“You don’t know Worthen, not yet. You’re freaking out over a car, the fact he made some money and what an ex-girlfriend said to you.” She reaches out and rubs my shoulder. “He came out and told you a lot of this, didn’t he?”

Yes… but…
“He defended his car to me.”

“Jaycee, if I could, I
’d drive that car. It’s just a car! A really, really, beautiful car!”

“It’s not just a car, it’s a symbol. A sign of what kind of person he is. I can’t let that go.
” Why can’t I let that go? Oh, right. Because I’m a little Alaskan girl, who grew up in a house with plywood floors and would never, ever, ever fit in with a world of people who drive cars like his.

“
Come on Jayc, Caroline sounds like the kind of girl you and I make gagging noises over. The kind of client you used to hate when they came into the salon.”

“
Trust me, there were no girls like that in Palmer. There were girls who
wanted
to be her, but would never make it.” I let out a sigh and Kyla’s arms tighten around me. “Do you know how much pressure I’ll feel like I’m under? Knowing where he’s been? I feel like my hair isn’t cute enough, my clothes aren’t nice enough. I’ve gotten four manicures my whole life. She probably doesn’t go for two weeks without one!” Why is this making me so crazy?

“His family is awesome.”

I close my eyes. “His family is awesome.”

“And you’re
still wearing his high school T-shirt.”

“It’s soft.” I frown.

“Right, and I’m sure that’s the only reason it’s on your body.”

“
He hasn’t written in two weeks. To anyone. They’re out doing service in some little village with, like, nothing. No way to get in contact.”

“Well, it gives you time to think, right?”

“What if he doesn’t want me that way?”

Kyla holds in a laugh. “Jaycee, there was no mistaking the look in that guy’s eyes. He
broke the rules to hug you. He set you up with his family, knowing they’d win you over.”

“They
are
so
awesome.”

“You said that already.” She smiles.

I feel the warmth. “Because it’s true.”

“Pray, Jaycee. I know you’ve felt a little lost with that, but don’t you think it’s just because the Lord is preparing you to be taken care of? Taken care of in a really good way?”

“By a guy who drives a shiny black Mercedes?” I ask.

“Exactly.” She pulls me into a hug. “Okay, walk me up, I
gotta get home.”

“Will do.” I sit up in bed and we tiptoe past Bridger who thinks sleeping on the couch is still part of our exciting adventure.
I’m starting to panic that our little adventure is going to turn into a big one with the return of Mitchell who may or may not feel any of the things that I do. But that’s all part of it, right? The biggest part of falling in love is the falling part. The part where I have to put myself out there, and hope someone’s waiting to catch me.