The Weight of Love (13 page)

27

JAYCEE

My heart about stops when I see the email from him. He’s just the nice kind of guy to write everyone he meets on his mission. Right?

No hugs. Funny.
Does he mean something by that?

What do I do?
Do I write him and keep is as light as possible? Is that what would be best? Or do I tell him I like him. That I like him enough to move forward. That I want him like I haven’t wanted anyone since Matt. Maybe if he knows that, and feels the same, it will help. Or maybe it’ll make it worse.

It all hits me, all of it.
Am I in love? It seems impossible. How could I possibly know him well enough?

But
it’s not just knowing. It’s feeling. Do I feel it like that? Him? I don’t know. I haven’t been able to even have a normal conversation with him since he arrived. I can’t possibly be in love with someone who I can’t and don’t talk to like a normal person. What on earth am I going to write?

Elder Worthen –

I hope Dillingham is better than the rumors.
Your mom continues to be helpful and Bridger and I are slowly learning how to communicate with each other better. I can’t thank you enough for giving me your Mom’s phone number. She’s such a wonderful woman. Your sister Jennie was there the last time I called and I got to talk to her too. You’re very lucky to have a family like that.

Kyla is gone. Bridger is signed out and done with school until I set him up in Utah. Moving is harder than I thought it would be.

Thank you for your email.

Jaycee

Was that
too much? Not enough? I hate not knowing what to do. I hit send before I let myself think.

28

WORTHEN

Jaycee Layton –

How’s little man Bridger doing? I think Mom has really enjoyed getting to know you.

Seems harmless enough.

I miss the ward already, and Bishop Allen.

And you
, but I can’t put that in.

Mom said she’s so excited to meet you in person, I hope you’re able to spend some time with her.

Is that too much? Not enough? Will she know I want her around my family so we can be around my family together?

Hope all is well,

Elder Worthen

Hope all is well…

She may be excited for somewhere new, but she also has a lot to leave behind. There aren’t words to express how much I wish I could do it with her.

29

JAYCEE

Matt is underneath me. Whatever’s left of him,
frozen. I don’t want to think that when I come here, but I do. Every time. It’s morbid, and awful and makes my stomach tighten.

Most of me would rather
sit and home and pray to feel closer to him. Maybe moving away from here will be a good thing. But I don’t want his grave to be covered in snow, or for there not to be flowers in summer, like just anyone. He wasn’t just anyone. He was amazing, he was special and he’s gone, and it isn’t fair. But I can’t stay here for that. He has parents for that. Two brothers and their families for that. To make sure that when people come here they know that Matt was someone.

A part of me is saying goodbye
to him all over again. Just by saying goodbye to this place, I’m saying goodbye to him.

When I drive home, I know Bridger is
safe at the Allen’s house. We’re both crashing there for our last night in town. I know my house is empty. I stop anyway. I know it will break my heart.

It
’s empty, but it feels the same. It smells the same. It’s empty the way it was when Matt and I moved in with more hopes and happiness than I ever thought I’d find.

Matt an
d I laughed in this small house. We picked it together. We made love in here more times than I can count. He nursed me through my pregnancy. Bridger and I prayed for his safety every night he wasn’t with us. I mourned the loss of him in this house, loved Bridger in this house and grew up as a woman in this house.

Do I get to take all of that with me? Will the memories be enough? Or will they
fade as my memories of this place will?

I’m not sure.
I sit in the middle of the small living room. I’m silent, but my tears come down in a steady stream, running down my cheeks, my neck, making the top of my t-shirt wet. I pull my knees to my chest and rest my chin there.

“I’m sorry, Matt. I have to go. I’m s
orry I never finished our house. I’m sorry we didn’t do it together. I’m sorry I’m saying goodbye to you in more ways than one.” Now I’m sobbing.

I feel like a traitor for wanting someone else. Like I’m betraying all the parts of that wonderful love he gave me. All the beginning tentative touches, and the
late movie nights, and the passion he used when he kissed me…

Am I shoving that away by wanting something else? Someone else? Will Matt still be a part of me? Should he be? Is it fair to whoever I’m with next to carry that with me? Is it fair to Matt if I don’t?

I have no answers, only questions, and the small hope for something better. I’m terrified to leave the Allen’s and I’m terrified to be someplace new. Someplace I’ve never been.

“Please Heavenly Father, help me
know I’m doing the right thing. Help me find peace.”

I feel it before I stop speaking. It
still hurts, but I’m doing the right thing. No doubt.

I can do this.

I am doing this.

It’s for the best.

God will look out for me.

Kyla and Tom will look out for me.

And, in a perfect world, M Worthen will look out for me. And I can’t believe that thought just passed through my head.

~
~ ~

“We’re so proud of you, Jaycee.” Sharon hugs me tightly. The goodbyes are making me crazy.

“Thank you.”

“You know we go to Utah at least once a year.” Her arms don’t loosen.

“Yep.” I’m glad to see them every year, but it’s the every week, the support for so much of what I do. That’s what I’ll miss.

“Call anytime.”

“Okay.” I pull away before the force of her hug sends me into another round of tears.

Paul grabs me in a hug next. “I’m glad you’re ready to move on.”

I open my mouth to protest, but I really can’t. I’m moving on, ready or not. In all sorts of ways.

I climb in the truck and Bridger giggles in the
backseat. He knows we’re starting our new adventure.

I pull out of the Allen’s driveway, but I can’t look at them. I look over my shoulder as I back up.
It’s amazing how little we have, now that the furniture is gone, the house is gone. Everything we own sits easily in the bed of my truck. I don’t even have to strain to look over it. And this is it. I take once glance back at the Allen’s house before putting my truck in drive and heading to Utah.

BOOK TWO

30

ELDER
WORTHEN

21.5 Months

“You still with me man?” Elder Hales slugs my shoulder.

“Still here.” I nod and pull into the small library. I wonder where Jaycee is? Is she in Utah? Has she moved? Did the drive go okay?

“
Lookin’ for an email from someone special?” He raises an eyebrow.

“You are,” I answer.

“Yes, I am.” He smiles. Elder Hales has a girlfriend waiting back home and makes no secret of it. I’ve seen her picture many times.

I just can’t do it. I can’t be that way. There’s no way to deny that Jaycee is a distraction. And maybe telling her everything would be better, give me some relief. But right now I’m at that point, that point we all reach where we have to let go and
do what we know is right even when it kills us a little. Aside from living for Mondays, our off day and our email day, I hope that’s what I’m doing. On Monday I let thoughts of her take over.

It feels like if I tell her how I feel, really feel, and we write back and forth and get things settled between
us, if that’s a possibility, that I’ll have lost the opportunity for something. I can’t put my finger on it, and it doesn’t matter. I trust the voice that tells me I’ve done too much already.

“And I suspect you are, too.” He laughs as we step inside and each head for a computer.

I don’t respond. Each second takes forever as I wait for my login to work.

I pull up the letter
from Jaycee immediately.

Elder Worthen –

We just made it to Utah. Kyla’s house closing got postponed, so we’re all at her in-laws house. But we’re here, and made it safe. 
I may go insane in the meantime. Too many people and too little space. I’ve already spoken with your mom and I think we’ll get together soon.

I’m afraid to use much of the money I have stored away, but I might have to get an apartme
nt sooner rather than later. Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing here. Bridger hasn’t started school yet, I have no job, and nowhere for him to be when I do find a job. Sometimes I think this was all poor planning, but I really did pray about it a lot, so things should work out, right?

I hope Dillingham and your companion are treating you well,

Jaycee.

Every difficulty fr
om her chips away at my resolve. But then I think about the very few members of the church here, there are villages in the area I haven’t been out to yet. It’s all important. I believe I’m supposed to be here, right now. So, right here, right now, is where I need to stay.

I write Mom first. Our time is probably short today, and I need to make sure I have time to contact someone who can do something for her.

Mom –

Please, when you talk to Jaycee, see what you might be able to do to help. I think they’re all living at her sister’s in-laws
’ house. It must be crazy. I hate not being able to do anything. My companion is annoying as ever, but I’m trying to make sure we have some good moments, too.

Give Jennie and Gage a kiss from me, love you,

Elder Worthen

And then I have to write Jaycee.

Jaycee –

Go hang with my mom. She’s retired and would love to see you. I’m sure Bridger doesn’t love the chaos. Keep being prayerful, let that lead your decisions – even when they don’t make sense.

I’m not as warm as I could be.

Wish I could help.

My time today is short.

Elder Worthen

31

JAYCEE

Just stepping out the doors of Kyla’s in-laws house feels like a break. The noise is near
constant. All three teens home school, and none of them are the quiet version I’ve always thought of homeschooled kids to be.

“Okay, that house is insane.” Kyla’s eyes are wide as we
climb into her car.

“Glad I’m not the only one who thinks so.” I chuckle.
Bridger’s in the backseat. I turn to make sure he’s buckled as Kyla pulls out. He’s retreated into his small Nintendo again. I let him. The chaos is wearing on both of us.

“
We don’t get to move in for a while, but I wanted to show you my house and why it’s worth the wait.” Kyla hits the gas. She already drives around here like a pro.

I’m nervous at the wide stop
lights and the freeway has been avoided since I first arrived. My big truck doesn’t help me navigate, but it
should
make me feel a little less scared. It doesn’t.

“I’m sorry this all got crazy. I feel
sorta bad that you two came down so early.” Kyla bites her lip, just like I do.

“Well
, Tom’s parents are really nice and honestly don’t seem to mind.” It still feels beyond awkward.

“Yeah.”
She chuckles. “They love people. The more the merrier, the louder the better…”

“I guessed.”

“Oh, one more big thing.” Her lips are squeezed together like she has big news.

“What else could there be?”
Tom’s new job and their new house seems to fill Kyla’s news.

“Tom and I went in for our adoption meeting, or appointment, or whatever. We both got here and one night just looked at one another and said ‘it’s time.’”

“Wow. Just like that?”

“Just like that. And now that everything’s in, we both feel like we did the right thing, even though it was so hard to wait for so long. I’m sure it’ll happen for us soon.”
She’s trying to hold in her grin, with very little luck.

I reach over and s
queeze her arm. “That’s great, Sis.” It makes me wonder why she didn’t tell me right away. It’s also amazing that I’ve been here for over a week and this is the first chance we’ve had to get out together. Tom’s family is her family. I’m not silly enough to feel like she’ll forget me or anything, but it does feel like I’m fading into the background. I’m the one part of Kyla’s old life that she’s brought down with her. It only makes sense that we won’t be as close as she continues to move on.

“Thanks.” She pulls her car over in front of a beautiful grey two-story house with a “sale pending” sign on the lawn.

“Are you kidding me?” I look up and then I look around at the neighborhood. This house was one of the more expensive ones on her list. I recognize it immediately. It seems…excessive.

“Nope.” Her grin is the same one she’s had since we were little kids. It’s the one that says Kyla’s getting exactly what she wants. She deserves it.

“The pictures didn’t do it justice.” I shake my head.

“I know. It’s old,
built in the twenties. Can you imagine what a mansion it must have felt like then?”

“No. I can’t imagine.”
It has the feel of a house that’s old, but is immaculately taken care of. The inside must be unreal.

“Ready to head back?” she asks.

“Can we get dinner while we’re out?”

“So you and Bridger can hide in your room when we get back?” She raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” I nod. “Bridger’s going a little crazy. I promised him a quiet night tonight.”

“Sure.” Kyla nods.
My guess is that she’s simply resigned to the fact that Bridger doesn’t want to be in the middle of Tom’s family’s stuff. She also gets Bridger enough to know that he’s having even a harder time than me right now.

“I’m ready for our adventure to be over, Mom.” Bridger’s voice barely carries from the backseat.

“What, honey?” I turn to face him.

“I want our adventure to be over.”

Right, because he was listening to everything Kyla and I said, even though it doesn’t always seem like it.

“Soon, Bridger.” Only I don’t know if it’ll be soon or not because I still have very little idea of what I’m doing here.

And through all the madness, I still feel like I’m doing the right thing. I really hope that I won’t have to wait longer for my physical body and brain to feel as good about what I’m doing as my heart does. Living in limbo like this is exhausting.