The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story (30 page)

DOUG   
This pillar of the status quo,
a kind, generous, and conservative man who never met a boat he wanted to rock,
had taken a public stand on the side of the revolutionaries. Certainly he’d
never see it that way. But what else can I call it, when Sheldon said, in
effect, these men are gay, and they deserve the same as everyone else, the
right to experience all of life’s joys – “
freely and openly”
? Sheldon
had, whether he knew it or not, taken a profoundly political point of view.

            And
the room burst into applause. What greater wedding gift could we have asked
for?

            Once
the applause subsided, he went on:

SHELDON   
And so, tonight, we wish
Doug and Andrew a lengthy, healthy, and happy life together with many more
celebrations to follow.

            Secondly,
I have learnt through this test or exam that my concern and hesitation were
not
well
founded. That there was much more love and support out there than I could have
ever imagined.

            Beginning
with my wife, Roslyn – who perhaps began this journey at a different starting
point than myself – whose counseling, understanding, and patience, and above
all, her love for Andrew, Doug, and myself, have allowed me to catch up to her
and be addressing you this evening.

            To
my family – Mitchell, Debbie and Abraham, Bonnie and David, and even my
grandchildren, all of whom, when it was time to be counted, were there to
support us.

            A
special sense of gratitude to my dear mother-in-law, Grandma Esther Briskin –
from another generation, but well ahead of most of us – whose immediate
acceptance of the reality was very positive and most meaningful…

            I
have had many “heroes” or people that I have admired and respected over the
years. They have changed and evolved over time, (remember, there was no
television then), progressed to people in sports during my adolescent years
(such as Maurice Richard, Jackie Robinson, etc.), but today I have a clearer
picture of the people I truly respect and appreciate – my “heroes of today,” if
you like.

            I
am referring to you, my
friends
– not compelled to be here, with
plenty of available excuses, Labor Day weekend, etc. – not related or obliged
to attend and with my full awareness that if
we
had some worry and
concern for the unknown, certainly they must have existed in your minds as
well. But despite all of this, and the accepted rule of thumb to expect that
approximately ten percent of invited guests will be absent, we are batting
almost a thousand tonight.

            Andrew,
Doug, Roslyn and myself receive this outpouring of your love and support with
great humility and appreciation and consider it as a tribute to us, and we are
greatly honored by your presence.

            Once
again, we wish Doug and Andrew a hearty
mazel tov
and tell them that
they are amongst true friends. So let us party and celebrate for the rest of
the evening.

            To
conclude – from the bottom of my heart – I thank you most sincerely.

ANDREW   
At that, every person in
the hall rose up as one body and stood, applauding my father for his courage
and his honesty.

            I
wasn’t surprised that my father directed so much of his admiration to other
people in the room, and their ultimate support. Yet when he spoke to them, I
sensed he was also trying to talk to us as a family, to me, to Doug, and to my
mother. As if he were saying,
I didn’t have to be here. I could have been
somewhere else. I didn’t have to be supportive and loving, but I’m here
tonight, doing this for you.

DOUG   
As Sheldon walked behind the
dais to take his seat, I threw my arms around him and said into his ear, over
the still thundering applause, “That was the greatest speech I ever heard.” And
it was.

SHELDON   
I think the reaction to
the speech was not so much because of any great word or inspiring message. I
was only telling the truth the way it was. And the audience was heaving a sigh
of relief, almost. Their applause said,
He’s facing it. He’s going to make
it through the evening. It’s going to be OK.
Now they knew nobody was going
to collapse and break down in tears. So they could all relax and have a good
time.

            I
had done just what I set out to do. Not to ignore the reality of how different
this event was and not to give a political speech, either. I just faced the
situation honestly, without taking a stand.

ROSLYN
   
How
interesting that Sheldon still believes he hadn’t taken a stand. How much more
of a stand could anyone take? His stand was related to many facets of the process,
both familial and societal. Firstly, he had become 100 percent supportive in
terms of both money and paternal approval. Then he let the world know he’d done
it because it was the right thing to do. His message came out strong and clear,
though unspoken:
My friends, I put aside my fear of what you would think of
my support for gay marriage. I followed my heart.

ANDREW   
A very different set of
expectations surrounded my mother’s speech. No one had sweaty palms waiting to
see if she’d survived the evening. If anything, they just expected her to make
us laugh and cry a little. And she did both, rising to the occasion with stories
that gave me the roasting I hadn’t gotten on Friday night. Toward the end, she
turned her attention elsewhere:

           
There
is someone sitting here tonight who deserves honorable mention. That is my mom,
fondly referred to by her great-grandkids as Grandma Esther. We are truly
blessed to have you here tonight. You are so special. You have always been
there for all of us. You are so loving and accepting.

            Now
I want to pay tribute to my best friend and wonderful husband, Sheldon. I love
you with all my heart. I respect you highly for the wonderful person that you
are. You are fair, open-minded, and loving.

            You
are a special person and I feel blessed to be your partner in life.

            Thank
all of you here for sharing in our joy.

            Then
my old friend Dian gave a short speech that started with a perfectly ironic
anecdote:

           
Most
of you think this is Andrew’s first wedding. Fourteen years ago he was
my
groom,
and I was his bride, at my masquerade sweet sixteen party. Since then we’ve
both gone through many boyfriends. But who thought he’d be the first one to get
married?

            Once
Diane wrapped up, it was time for her big song.

DOUG   
The way we’d rehearsed it, Dian
and I were dedicating the song together, to Andrew. But when she got the
microphone in her hand, she said, “This is for my dear friends, Andrew and
Doug.” It may seem like a tiny, perhaps subconscious gesture, but to me it was
dear.

            Once
our song was over, the band jumped back in and played the tune that signals a
conga line is about to be formed. Before you can say Carmen Miranda, a dozen
people were behind me, gyrating frantically to a Latin beat. I’d just been in
the spotlight during “Your Song,” and I didn’t want to be in front again, so I
grabbed the first person I could get my hands on and thrust her ahead of me in
the lead spot. She’d not the type to jump in front of a writhing conga line,
and though all her friends know she’s a lesbian who had lived with her partner
for years, she and her family had been complicit in the “don’t ask, don’t tell”
game. Later on, when I realized the implications of what I’d done, I recognized
her deer-in-the-headlights look may not have been about garden variety shyness.
For all any of us knew, that conga line could have ended up on
Turning Point
,
with my friend wiggling away in the starting position, like “Hey, Mom, I’m not
just a lesbian, but I play one on national TV!”

ANDREW   
When the conga was over,
we kept on dancing till we were sopping wet. Doug, in particular, was all over
the dance floor. We even danced when the band played “YMCA,” even though we’d
specifically told them, NO VILLAGE PEOPLE. I guess they couldn’t resist the
temptation to play the painfully obvious. When the band took a break, I went
out to the lobby, where cocktails had been held. My Uncle Gary was hanging out
with a few other people, and he came over to shake my hand.

            “Andrew,
I’m an ultraconservative right-wing dinosaur. I came here with great fear and
trepidation, feeling very negative. I thought, why is my nephew being such a
spoiled brat, and putting on such a party for himself, and shoving it in
everybody’s face? Now I’m going home feeling wonderful that I was here. Now
that I’ve seen how much you two love each other, I have to say, why shouldn’t
you celebrate this and have everybody participate in it? I’ve learned a lot
tonight, and I’m delighted I came. And I wish you both a very happy life
together.”

DOUG   
Andrew tapped me on the
shoulder and repeated his uncle Gary’s startling about-face. Then he reminded
me we’d planned to call my parents. We went into the hallway and piled into the
tiny wooden phone booth. By the time we got them on the phone, Roslyn stopped
by, We went for the Eaton’s record, three in a booth, while Roslyn told my
parents not only what they’d missed, but how much we’d missed them.

ROSLYN
   
Soon
after, the video crew asked Sheldon and me to say a few words for the camera.
It was hard to know who our words were intended for, Andrew and Doug and their
wedding tape, or
Turning Point
and a national audience. At first it sounded
like Sheldon was speaking more privately: “It was beyond our wildest
expectations. We feel very, very good inside that the evening was so
successful.” Then it was clear he was talking to a wider group: “And I’m sure
we’ll be seeing more celebrations of this nature in the future.” That was the
broadest statement yet from my husband. I kept my comments short and sweet.
“This whole weekend has been absolutely magical. I’ve enjoyed every single
minute. I don’t want it to end!”

            And
in a few minutes my mother paid her on-camera regards as well: “My dear Andrew
and Doug, I was very happy to attend your beautiful affair. And when I look at
you both, I know you’re going to be happy together. I am very happy to see you
with that kind of a look. Because-” she paused, wistfully, her eyes welling up
“-it makes me feel… very, very good. I want to wish you both a long and happy
life together. With lots of love, Grandma.”

DOUG   
Andrew and I went back to the
dance floor for what must have been half an hour. Eventually we peeled
ourselves away and headed for the north end of the room, , where we’d said our
vows just six hours before and he sweet table had just been laid out. We
stopped for a picture, embracing, drenched and overjoyed.

            Standing
on the spot where the glasses had been crushed beneath our feet, we looked down
together on this magical scene, the rich colors, the spiral centerpieces
shedding their glow, tiny dots of flame scattered in midair, the sound of
laughter syncopating amid the beat of disco tunes, all reverberating in the
majestic hall. It’s the moment I’ll remember most vividly: the raw, fresh hope
of beginning. The hall was filled with forty- and fifty-something couples
dancing gleefully together with gay couples in the same room that only hours before
had been rife with fear.

ANDREW   
A little after midnight,
when people were starting to leave, we gathered all our friends out in the
lobby for one huge group picture. The next generation. The people who had come
here with less baggage than my parents’ crowd. But most of us, I think, myself
included, left a few of our bags behind there that night, too.

ROSLYN
   
It was
well after midnight when I lay down in bed next to Sheldon and said, “You now,
we’ve done a good job.”

            “It
went well,” he answered. “And I’m amazed by the support, the outpouring of
love. I knew it was going to be all right, but I didn’t expect this kind of
reaction, the depth of it, or the acceptance.”

            As
for myself, I was particularly surprised by the friends who’d given me so much
trouble, and hurt us all in the process. They’d been so effusive in their
praise tonight. Every one of them had come, saw something new, and applauded us
for how it turned out.