The Wedding: A Family's Coming Out Story (28 page)

ANDREW   
Ready to go. As I stood
between my parents, the meaning of it all hit me full force. My mother grabbed
my hand tightly, then my father and I joined hands. It was a powerful kind of
togetherness. Stepping slowly together down the aisle…
This is so
weird…
After all this struggle, here we are, standing together. In front of
everyone.
And when they released my hands and let me ascend the stairs by
myself to join Doug, I stepped up quickly to be beside him, to bask in that
moment together with him.

           
We
did it,
I said to myself.
We did it!

            And
as the music stopped, I took Doug’s hand in mine.

            He
looked shocked. He certainly never expected it. Neither did I. But I was so
emotional walking down the aisle, I wanted to experience this with him as close
as we possibly could be. We were so connected in that moment. I needed to
connect physically, to sense him feeling the same thing, hand in hand,
together.

ROSLYN
   
As
Sheldon and I took our place under the
chuppah
, to the right side, I
looked back over the room. We’d climbed to the mountaintop. We could share that
instant, all of us. With the stunning view back down the steep slope came a new
clarity. And with it, the rush, the dizziness of breathing in thin air. You
can’t live in a moment like that for long. But what a moment it was.

DOUG   
Still settling in after the
surprise of feeling Andrew’s touch, I gazed down to see the evidence, his
fingers wrapped around mine. As I looked back up at Rabbi Bolton, she began:

           
Welcome
to this holy moment, this sanctuary in time and space. In this time and place,
we are gathered to celebrate a union, a match of souls, the moment when Andrew
and Doug publicly declare their love for each other. Though this full and
precise a gathering may never again take place with all of you, friends,
family, witnesses,
chuppah
holders, you will perpetually be a presence
in their lives. May you always bear with you the blessings of this moment and
this joyous celebration. This moment, although unique in its particularity,
also represents the power and potential of the Jewish tradition.

            Like
all Jewish weddings, it takes place under a
chuppah
, a canopy.
And for their
chuppah
Andrew and Doug chose a tallith, a fringed prayer
garment important not so much for the color or design but for the knotted
fringes. The
chuppah
itself is open on four sides, and supported by
friends. The tallith, with its fringed edges and corners, shows us a blurring
if boundaries, soft edges, a smooth transition from garment into space. It’s a
model for Andrew and Doug’s partnership and this ceremony: Centered. A little
bit on the edge. Solid. Yet… fringy. Bordered. Yet open. We cherish this moment
when two individuals and two families are brought together.

            Then
she instructed us to taste from the first of two cups of wine that we would
drink during the ceremony. This cup would be, as she called it,

            …
a
cup of promise and hope. It is a transformed substance. And what happens after
the wine is blessed and drunk makes this space and time different than the
moment before.

            Next
it came time to read the vows we each had written and kept secret from each
other, until this moment.

ANDREW   
I was choked up as I
took in the meaning of the words I was saying to Doug, and thinking, as I
spoke,
What a wonderful moment. Try and remember this feeling:

            From
this day forward, I, Andrew, promise to envelop you with the warmth of my heart
as you struggle to conquer life’s challenges.

            I
will always be by your side, with never-ending support and encouragement,
patience and understanding. I vow to be faithful and to never leave your side
in sickness or in health.

            You
are the dearest and most special person in my life. And I will always love you.

DOUG   
As I listened, I thought…
How
strange. How disorienting. Hearing such a pure expression of love in front of a
throng of onlookers
. At the same time, this was a unique intimacy. When
Andrew finished, the soft glow in his eyes invited me to let loose the stream
of tears I was a hairsbreadth from unleashing. I held on. I know exactly how
unattractive I look when I blubber. I gathered up a last scrap of calm, and
spoke to Andrew, haltingly, barely maintaining my equilibrium.

           
I,
Douglas, vow to share my heart with you, my mind and my soul, to listen, to
hear, to hold you, to care for you in the times of need.

            To
love you sweetly, fondly, dearly.

            To
try to keep the kitchen sink clean.

            And
to cherish every silly loving rhyme you make up for me.

            I
will be your confidant, your cheerleader, your partner, lover, friend.

            Your
home.

ANDREW   
How moving – and how
funny,
I thought. Especially because no one knew that I almost
included one extra vow:…
And I’ll try not to complain when you don’t clean
the kitchen sink.

            But
I couldn’t do it. Not because it wouldn’t be fitting. Because I couldn’t give
him that escape clause in front of all these witnesses!

            Next
it was time to read the
ketubah
.

            Only
one problem.
No ketubah.

            We’d
produced this event meticulously, as if it were a movie, yet somehow none of us
ever figured out that the
ketubah
had to get from the room where it had
been signed to under the
chuppah.
Lucky thing our rabbi is goof on her
feet. She cued Shelley to bring her the document, and in the meantime, she
covered:

           
Andrew,
Doug, I have something very important to tell you. In all our meetings and
meals together and discussions, I neglected to tell you: Surprise! You don’t
really need a rabbi to get married. The Mishnah says you need three rings. And
those have become translated into: witnesses, vows with an exchange of rings,
and the signing of a
ketubah.
But you sought out a rabbi to say this is
a
wedding.
We want a
 chuppah
and we want to ground it, root it
with the resonance of Jewish meaning, Jewish history. It means we want to
underscore both how very special and how very ordinary this moment is.

            …
Andrew, when I asked you what was special for you about Doug, you said he’s
generous, warm, kind, loving, and sensitive. And also the subject of some silly
rhymes. Doug, you talked about your shared love of culture, and the comfort you
get from Andrew, and your shared love of talk shows.

DOUG   
Thank God the crowd is
laughing,
I thought. If they thought we were serious when we said it
to her all those months ago, I’d crawl right under the rabbi and die.

            After
the
ketubah
was located and rushed to the
chuppah
and the rabbi
read it for the gathering, our friends came forward with a microphone placed
next to the
chuppah
and recited the seven blessings in English. Rabbi
Bolton sand each in Hebrew. Then she read a special “eighth blessing” which she
had brought to our attention months before. This was as overtly political as
the ceremony was likely to get:

           
Blessed
are you, Adonai, our God, source of life, Who enables us to strive for the
devotion of Jonathan and David, the honor of Ruth and Naomi. May the time soon
come when the voices of all lovers, the music of all friendships, rise up and
be heard and be celebrated in the gates of all our cities, and may we all soon
drink from a cup full of joy. Blessed are You, source of love.

            Now
it was time for Geri to do her stuff. For the first time, I worried what
someone would think of the ceremony. Would Sheldon approve? I didn’t lack faith
in Geri, but I grew anxious because the decision whether to have the speech had
come under so much consternation. And it occurred to me in that moment that I
hadn’t the faintest clue what she was going to say.

            She
set up the speech around a series of talk-show promo parodies, in honor of my
daytime television experience. She said, in part:

           
George
Bernard Shaw said, “There is no subject on which more dangerous nonsense is
talked and thought than marriage.”

            Author
Ellen Key wrote in 1911, “Love is moral even without legal marriage, but
marriage is immoral without love.”

            And
in 1969 John Lennon observed, “We’ve got this gift of love, but love is like a
precious plant. You can’t just accept it and leave it in the cupboard. You’ve
got to keep watering it. You’ve got to really look after it and nurture it.”

            But
where do you put it? Planter boxes, greenhouse windows, and wainscoting are the
hot topics Wednesday on
This Old Condo,
with Merling and Wythe.
Then, on
Douglas and Andrew,
“I MARRIED A FOREIGNER – Men Who Cross the
Line for Love!” One’s Canadian, one’s American! The Expos versus the Dodgers!
Mounties versus the L.A.P.D. “Like, totally” versus “What’s it aboot, eh?” Can
it work? Find out Thursday!

She
closed with a parody of Kahlil Gibran’s oft-quoted
The Prophet
, which
read, in part:

           
Attend
together the Broadway show, but do not hum the identical tune.

            Give
your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For they may be put somewhere
you can’t find them, or accidentally go through the wash.

            Stand
together, yet not too near together; for the pillars of the temple stand apart.
And the palm tree and the maple grow not in each other’s shadow.

            As
she finished, I was brimming with tears. And pride. Pride in Geri’s
accomplishment of meeting a tough challenge with wit and warmth. And pride that
I could return the privilege she’d given me four years earlier. Speaking at
hear wedding was one of the greatest honors of my life. Now I could only hope
that her marvelous speech was as meaningful for her as it was for me.

ANDREW   
The audience response
was clear: she had been a hit. Next, the rabbi, back at the helm, cued Doug and
me to give each other the second cup to drink. Once we each sipped, she said,

           
It’s
been a privilege and a blessing to stand here before you. As of now, what was
before will have been changed, through your willing it, and through tour love
for each other. I’m going to give you one final blessing before you break the
glasses. This is the blessing of the Davka, from an eighth-century ritual,
recited before two men, in another time and place, invoking God’s blessing:

            “For
peace we beseech You, O God. For the peace of the entire world, we beseech You.
For this holy place, we beseech You, O God. That these servants Andrew and
Douglas be showered with Your spiritual benediction, that they be granted all
that they need the rest of their lives.”

            Andrew
and Doug, may you remain nourished by all of the roots beneath you, and
sheltered eternally by the power and
broche
of this
chuppah.

            She
indicated that it was time to step on the glass that had been placed on the
floor wrapped in cloth napkins. Some Jewish couples step on light bulbs because
they’re easier to break and make a more dramatic
pop!
But I wanted the
real thing.

           
So
here goes-

            We
both stomped down with gusto, but I needed a second try to finish the job. And
with this last smash, we drew close together for a sweet, brief kiss and threw
our arms around each other, in an embrace I can only call the deepest union.
For a moment, we were truly one in our love, in our purpose, and our
accomplishment. Standing at the center of this enormous gathering, for that
endless instant we were totally alone. I never wanted to let go.

ROSLYN
   
On the
left side of the room, where the younger people sat, the clapping began. On the
other side, the older friends and family were sitting stick-still. After a few
seconds, a smattering of applause could be heard among them. As Sheldon and I
walked back down the aisle, we saw heads turn as couples murmured, conferring
some as-yet-undelivered judgment. Sheldon and I waited out of sight behind a
divider, where we’d sectioned off the room for the dinner tables. Once all the
guests had retreated into the lobby for cocktails, we made our move to face
them. Although the response during the ceremony was warm, it was also tempered.
As if half the audience was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now it was
over, and after all the months of hostile remarks and furrowed brows, we would
get to hear what they thought. We opened the swinging door, and the crown that
stood nearby turned and descended on us.