The War Hound and the World's Pain (15 page)

I left the church and rejoined Sedenko. “We will provision here,” I told him, “and continue our journey in the afternoon.”

“I saw what seems a good inn as we came through the town,” he said.

“We’ll dine there before we set off.”

I had been at once cheered and disturbed by my encounter with Father Christoffel. I wanted to leave Ammendorf behind me as soon as possible and be upon my journey.

“Was your confession heard, captain?” innocently asked the young Kazak as I got into my saddle.

I shrugged.

Sedenko continued: “Perhaps I should also seek the priest’s blessing. After all, it is some time …”

I became angry with him, knowing what I knew. I almost hated him at that moment for his ignorance of his own unfair fate. “That priest is next to an agnostic,” I said. “He cannot unburden himself, let alone you or me. Come, Sedenko, we must be on our way.” I paused, deciding that it was as well if I told him a little more of my story.

“I seek nothing less than the Holy Grail,” I said.

“What’s that, captain?”

Whistling, his breath clouding the sharp air, he fell in behind me.

I explained to him as much as I could. He listened to me with half an ear, as if I told a fabulous story which had not much to do with either of us. His very carelessness made me all the more gloomy.

AS WE RODE out of Ammendorf my bitterness against a Deity who could consign such as Sedenko so easily to Hell continued to grow. There seemed no justice in the world at all, no possibility of creating justice, no being to whom one could appeal. Why should I be concerned about redemption in such a world? What would I escape, if I escaped Hell?

Sedenko had earlier attempted to interrupt my broodings, but for some while had said hardly a word, cheerfully accepting my silence and respecting my reluctance to answer his very ordinary questions. The day grew colder as night came nearer, yet I made no preparations for camp. I was tired. Ammendorfs good wine and food were sustaining me against weather and lack of sleep, and I told myself that Sedenko was young enough to lose another night’s rest. Only the condition of the horses concerned me, but, they seemed fresh enough, for we did not push them hard. Movement was all that I desired. We passed through rocky hills and over snowy moorland, through woods and across streams, heading steadily towards the high peaks and Hermit Pass.

As night fell, I dismounted, leading my horse. Sedenko did not question me, but followed my example.

It had been some years since I had lost my Faith, save in my own capacity to survive a world at War, but evidently in the back of my mind there had always been some sense that through God one might find salvation. Now, as I journeyed in quest of the Holy Grail (or something identified as the Holy Grail), I not only questioned the possibility that salvation existed; I questioned whether God’s salvation was worth the earning. Again I began to see the struggle between God and Lucifer as nothing more than a squabble between petty princelings over who should possess power in a tiny, unimportant territory. The fate of the tenants of that territory did not much seem to matter to them; and even the rewards of those tenants’ loyalty seemed thin enough to me. For my own part, I believed that I deserved any fate, no matter how cruel, for I had used my intelligence in the service of my self-deceit. The same could not be said of Sedenko, who was merely a child of his times and his circumstances. I had received positive proof of the existence of God and the Devil and my Faith in them was weaker now than it had ever been.

My cloak would not keep out the bite of winter’s night. I heard my teeth chattering in my skull. My heart seemed as if it were turning to ice. Even Sedenko was shivering, and he was used to far worse cold than this.

We were climbing higher into the foothills of the mountains. Their peaks were now tall enough to block off half the sky and the snow became deeper and deeper until it threatened to spill over into our boots. Towards dawn I began to realize that if we did not have heat and food soon we should probably perish, whereupon we should both go straight to Hell. The prospect reminded me of the reason I had accepted Lucifer’s bargain.

Although it was difficult to see through the murk, I selected a place where an outcrop of rock had left the ground relatively clear of deep snow and told Sedenko to prepare a fire.

As he gathered wood, the dawn began to come up, red and cold. I watched him while he moved about in the nearby spinney below, bending and straightening, shaking snow from the sticks he found, and for some reason was reminded of the parable of Abraham and his son. Why should one serve a God who demanded such insane loyalty, who demanded that one deny the very humanity He was said to have created?

I watched as Sedenko prepared the fire for us and selected food from our bag of provisions. He seemed cheerful merely to be in my company. He was excited, expecting great and interesting adventures. If he died on the morrow, he would probably look wonderingly at Hell itself and find it interesting.

And then it came to me that perhaps Lucifer had lied to me, that He had lied to all who served Him. Perhaps none of us were damned at all, but could somehow wrest our destinies free of His influence as He had attempted to wrest His own destiny free of God’s. Why should we be controlled by such beings?

And the answer came to me, as it always did when I followed that logic: because they can destroy us at will.

I could almost sympathize with those the Wildgrave had warned me against; those who saw me as aiding in Lucifer’s betrayal of His own creatures. They had seen Lucifer as representing if nothing else a defiance of an unjust God. A pact between God and Lucifer would find them without protection, sacrificed because Lucifer had found it expedient to change His mind.

But would God let Lucifer change His mind? Even Lucifer had no clue to that. And I, if I succeeded in discovering the Cure for the World’s Pain, might not be finding a remedy at all. What if, when it was put to the lips of mankind, the Holy Grail was discovered to contain a deadly poison? Perhaps, after all, the only Cure for pain was the absolute oblivion of death, without Heaven or Hell.

My heavy sighs caused Sedenko to look up from where he was warming his hands against the fire. “What did the priest tell you, master? You have been distressed ever since you met him.”

I shook my head. It had not been the priest, of course, who had disturbed me. And I could not explain to Sedenko that I knew him destined for Hell, that the God he claimed to serve had rejected him and had not even given him a sign of that rejection.

“Did he refuse you grace?” Sedenko continued.

“My state of mind has little to do with my encounter in the church,” I said. “I received information from the priest. He has told me where I might look for a certain hermit, that is all.”

“And you still do not know the purpose of your journey?”

“I know it, I think, as well as I ever shall. Make us our breakfast, young Kazak. And sing us one of those sonorous songs of yours, if you can.”

I was asleep before he had begun to cook anything and it was noon before I woke up again. Simmering on the well-made fire was some soup. Sedenko himself had taken the opportunity to rest and was wrapped in his blankets a short distance from me. I ate the soup and cleaned the pan before waking him.

The mountains were taller than anything I had ever seen before. They were jagged and steep and the snow had frozen on them so that they glittered like crystal in the heavy winter sun. Everywhere was whiteness: the purity of Fimbulwinter, of the Death of the World. A few streams continued to run through the snow, which proved to me that it could not be as cold as it seemed. I had grown used to the warmth of spring, I suppose, and it was taking my body time to adjust. Sedenko seemed much easier with the elements than was I.

“A man can understand snow,” he said. He told me that in his language there were a considerable number of words for different kinds of snow. “Snow can kill,” he continued, as he packed our things back onto our horses, “but you also learn how to stop it from killing you. Or at least how to improve your chances. It is not so, captain, with men.”

I smiled at this piece of philosophy. “True.”

“Men will tell you what to do to avoid their killing you. You do it. They kill you anyway, eh?”

“Oh, very true, Sedenko.” I consoled myself that this innocent would at least be good company in Hell, were we permitted to remain together. And I did not add that what he observed in Man, I observed the more sharply in God and His Fallen Angel. He would not have wanted to believe me. I did not wish to believe myself.

The smell of the snow was good in my nostrils now and I began to sense that peculiar elation which comes when you have lost all Hope of anything, save another hour or two of life. At one point, displaying considerable risk to my horse, I galloped for a short distance through the snow, sending it flying about me. Sedenko yelled and cheered and let his pony race, swinging his body from side to side of the beast with extraordinary agility, at one point leaping, apparently with a single movement, to stand on his saddle and balance there like an acrobat, arms outstretched.

He had boasted that the Kazak was the finest rider in the world and I must say that I could not dispute the fact, if his fellows rode as he rode. His ebullience infected me. I tried to push from my mind all thoughts of Good and Evil, of the War in Heaven, and did my best to sense again the pleasures of the scenery, while Sedenko gradually subsided, like a happy puppy, and eventually drew up beside me, panting and grinning.

That evening Sedenko again built a fire while I checked the map. We were high into the hills now and the mountains seemed to press in on us. There was the plain far behind us, but even this was obscured by the hills. Hermit Pass was not more than five miles to the northwest. We should be there, if we met no obstacles, by the middle of the next morning.

I wondered how this pass might be defended and what kind of danger, from what source, lay ahead of us. But I said nothing to Sedenko.

We reached the first range of mountains just before noon and the entrance to the pass was easily discovered. We had tied rags around our horses’ feet. The rocky ground was patched with ice, so that it was better to walk our mounts whenever we could. The peaks of the mountains were invisible now. It seemed that we approached an infinitely tall wall of glittering crystal, white and pale blue, or grey where the rock was exposed. I continued to marvel at the height and shape of them; they were characteristic of nothing I had seen before.

The pass was a dark gash, seemingly in the side of a cliff. It was only as we drew nearer to it that we saw it lay between the mountains, turning sharply inwards so that it was not possible to see very far ahead. The snow was thinner here, but the ice thicker. We should have to move very carefully.

Without ado we stepped forward. The winter sun no longer fell on us and so the temperature dropped immediately, and we wrapped ourselves more thickly in our cloaks. The sound of our footfalls echoed in the canyon and we heard the rushing of water somewhere to one side of us, the drip of half-melted ice, the creaking and shifting noise of uncertain snow. Even as we moved some snow fell from overhanging rock and struck our heads and shoulders.

Sedenko looked upwards towards the crack of light far above us. “It’s almost a cave,” he said in some awe. “A monstrous huge tunnel, captain. Will it lead us into Hell?”

“I sincerely hope that it will not,” I replied. I had a better idea of the implication of his words than did he.

We spoke quietly, as if we knew that too much noise could dislodge rock, ice and snow which would bury us within seconds. We turned the bend into deeper darkness. Every tiny noise from around us had significance, for it could herald a landslide. I realized that I was scarcely breathing and that I could hear my heartbeats in my ears.

Gradually the pass widened a little until the gap above admitted more light. The snow was deeper and wetter, but the ground was not so icy where the rays of the sun had fallen and we were able to relax into a more normal form of procedure. A few more bends and it had widened again until it was almost a narrow valley. Some bushes and small trees grew here and every so often I detected a patch of green. The noise of the ice and snow grew fainter and assumed less significance to us. After an hour or so into the pass, feeling somewhat more relaxed, we decided to rest and eat some of the bread and pickled herring we had purchased in Ammendorf.

It was as we cleared snow from a flat rock that I heard a scuffling sound and then what I was certain was a human gasp. I paused and listened, but heard nothing else like it. However, I removed my pistols from their holsters and placed them beside me on the rock as I ate.

Sedenko had not heard the sound, but he knew that something was alerting me and he watched my face, listening as he ate.

Another sound. Loose rock and snow fell towards us from our right. I put down my bread and picked up both pistols, leveling them in the general direction of the disturbance.

“Be warned!” I called. “And display yourself, so that we may parley.”

A girl of about fifteen, thin-faced, freezing, wrapped in a miscellany of rags, shuffled from the other side of a rock. Her eyes were wide with fear, hunger and curiosity.

I did not lower my pistol. I had become wary of children in my profession. I leveled one of the barrels all the more firmly at her face.

“Are there more of you?”

She shook her head.

“Is your village near here?”

Again a shake of the head.

“Then what in the name of God and Saint Sophia are you doing here?” asked Sedenko of a sudden, slamming his sabre back into its scabbard and marching towards her. I felt he was incautious, but I did not warn him. He went up to her and looked at her face, taking it in his big hands. “You’re quite pretty. What’s your story, girl? Was your party waylaid by brigands? Are you the sole survivor? Are you lost?”

A sudden thought. He took a step backwards.