Nice Girls Don't Date Dead Men
Critics adore Molly Harper’s
NICE GIRLS DON’T HAVE FANGS
A
Romantic Times
TOP PICK for April 2009!
“An absolutely hilarious first book in what is sure to be an amazing new series. Jane is an everygirl with a wonderful sense of humor and quick sarcasm. Add in the mystery and romance and you have your next must-read novel!”
—
Romantic Times
(4½ stars)
“Hysterical laughs are the hallmark of this enchanting paranormal debut… . Harper’s take on vampire lore will intrigue and entertain… . Jane’s snarky first-person narrative is as charming as it is hilarious, retaining enough humanity to connect instantly with readers. Harper keeps the quips coming without overdoing the sarcasm.”
—
Publishers Weekly
(starred review)
“Harper arrives on the scene with a chuckle-inducing, southern-fried version of Stephanie Plum’s ‘the Burg’… . Quirky characters, human and vampire alike.”
—
Booklist
… and these bestselling authors love
it, too!
“Charming, sexy, and hilarious… . I laughed until I cried.”
—Michele Bardsley, bestselling author of
Over My Dead Body
“Wicked fun that had me laughing out loud … Molly Harper has a winner… . I read it all in one delicious sitting!”
—Candace Havens, bestselling author of
Dragons Prefer Blondes
“A hilarious new twist on vampire romance… . A brilliantly written adventure chock full of clever prose, hilarity, and hunky vampires!”
—Stephanie Rowe, national bestselling author of
Ice
Don’t miss the first hilarious
Jane Jameson novel by Molly Harper
Nice Girls Don’t Have Fangs
Available now from Pocket Star Books!
MOLLY HARPER
The sale of this book without its cover is unauthorized. If you purchased this book without a cover, you should be aware that it was reported to the publisher as “unsold and destroyed.” Neither the author nor the publisher has received payment for the sale of this “stripped book.”
Pocket
STAR
Books
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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places,
and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination
or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales
or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2009 by Molly Harper White
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book
or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information
address Pocket Books Subsidiary Rights Department,
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First Pocket Star Books paperback edition September 2009
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Cover design by John Vairo Jr.; cover illustration by Gene Mollica
Manufactured in the United States of America
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
ISBN 978-1-4165-8943-3
eISBN 978-1-4391-6450-1 (ebook)
For David, who puts up with a lot.
Best. Husband. Ever
.
Thanks go to my husband, David, who encouraged me when I needed it, listened to me dissect every little detail of the publishing process when I was excited, and, finally, told me to stop whining and start working when I was slacking.
My eternal gratitude to Michele Bardsley and her army of fellow paranormal romance authors, who taught me the secret art of book promotion. Long live the League of Reluctant Adults. To Brandi Bradley, for her endless patience and support. And to my new friend, Rachel Smith, always gracious, always snarky, always willing to drive twenty minutes for coffee. To my sister and personal archivist, Manda, thanks for putting up with so many phone calls. To Mom and Dad, thank you for everything that you do for me. To superagent Stephany Evans, my gratitude for sticking with me through so many drafts. You are some sort of copyediting saint. To Jennifer Heddle and Ayelet Gruensphect, who are always willing to answer silly questions and have made this process so much fun, please know how much I appreciate you.
With foot and paw planted in the human and animal worlds, were-creatures mix techniques from both cultures to secure relationships. This can lead to lifelong happiness or a very confused potential mate
.
—Mating Rituals and Love Customs of the Were
“I can’t do this.”
“Jane.”
“It’s just wrong,” I whimpered. “It defies the laws of nature, the thin line that separates good and evil.”
Zeb rolled his eyes and snapped the bridal binder shut. “It’s just a dress, Jane.”
“It’s a puce dress, Zeb.”
“Jolene’s getting it in peach.” He grunted, clearly at his limit in dealing with whiny undead bridal-party members. “Why are you being so difficult?”
“Why is your fiancée insisting that I dress like Naomi from
Mama’s Family
?”
“It’s not that bad,” Zeb insisted.
“Not that bad?” I opened the binder and pinned the offending picture with my finger. The model’s defiantly blank
expression could not mask her embarrassment at wearing this sateen nightmare. It was off the shoulder, with a wide ruffle of retina-burning color that gathered at the cleavage with a fabric cabbage rose. The traditional butt bow actually connected to what can only be described as a waist lapel.
Despite not having that many girlfriends, I had been a bridesmaid three times in ten years. Apparently, I was tall enough to “match” the rest of the bridal party for Marcy, my college roommate from freshman year. My sophomore roommate, Carrie, had a cousin who had the nerve to get pregnant, and I just happened to fit the cousin’s abandoned bridesmaid dress. I’m pretty sure my junior roommate, Lindsay, only asked me because she wanted “plain” bridesmaids. She said something about not wanting to be outshone on her big day.
I was thankful to get a private room my senior year.
My sister, Jenny, never even considered making me a bridesmaid. Ironically, her reason for not asking me—not liking me—resulted in this inadvertent and certainly unintentional kindness.
I’d suffered butt bows. I’d carried those stupid matching shawls that never stayed on past the ceremony. I’d worn Mint Sorbet, Periwinkle Fizz, and Passionate Pomegranate—all of which translated into “hideous $175 dress with shoes dyed to match, neither of which you will wear again.”
And now, Jolene McClaine, the betrothed of my best friend, wanted me to wear the ugliest dress of them all. Jolene and Zeb had met at the local chapter of the Friends and Family of the Undead, where Zeb had sought help
after my new undead condition left him even twitchier than usual. It was your basic love story. Boy meets girl. Boy dates girl. Girl turns out to be a werewolf. Boy and girl get engaged and slowly drive me insane.
In a way, I brought the two of them together, which meant I had no one to blame for this hoop-skirted fiasco but myself. I knew the whole point of having bridesmaids was dressing them like circus folk so you would look better by comparison. But this was beyond the pale. I’d be lucky if angry villagers didn’t pelt me with rotten produce.
“This is why I wanted to go shopping with you!” I cried, flopping back on the couch with the boneless petulance of a teenage orthodontia patient.
“Well, the Bridal Barn closes at about three hours before sunset, Jane. So unless you’re willing to risk bursting into flame just to exercise your control issues over a stupid dress, I think we’re out of options.”
“Hmmph.”
I hadn’t been a vampire for very long, so sometimes I forgot about the limitations of my condition and the pains Zeb took to avoid throwing said limitations in my face. It didn’t mean I was going to wear that monstrosity of a dress, but I would at least stop giving Zeb a hard time. I had developed a nasty habit of needling Zeb since he’d started planning his wedding. Zeb had been my best friend since … well, forever. I was used to having his undivided attention. Of course, he was used to me breathing and eating solid foods. We’d both had to make adjustments. He was just much better at them.
It seemed doubly cruel to pick on Zeb now. While
some members of Jolene’s family were thrilled that she was marrying a nice guy with a stable income and his own home, there were several uncles who declared the union “clan shame, “the werewolf version of a
shandeh
.
Werewolves are the most highly evolved were species. They have the most regular change cycle and the most complete, dependable changes. Being natural pack animals in both forms, they also have the most stable social hierarchy. There is an alpha male mated to the female of his choice, who becomes the alpha female. While the lesser clan members have property rights and general free will, all major decisions must be filtered through the alpha couple, particularly the alpha male. Everything from mate selection to business management has to be deemed for the good of the pack.
