The Unwritten Rule (9 page)

- A kiss? “I whisper back, but I know that’s not the kind of kiss that receives Brianna, and she also knows, he says,” That was not a kiss. The next time we go out, I have to find someone to kiss you at least with him and we can discuss this properly for you … well, you have to know what I mean.

Y

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

The little voice of guilt in my head says: I know. I know what it feels like a real kiss. I know what it feels like a kiss from Ryan. “Maybe it’s because I’m here, I say, and the minute they leave the words I feel the blood rushing to my face because I did not say it that way, not that he was not really kissing me. Except that if it was what he meant. What I wanted to go. “No, him and kissed me in front of you before,” says Brianna smiling at Ryan, who is heading up the stairs and has turned to look at us, making a gesture to follow him. Only been the last couple of weeks that he has been … “she lets me, is turned towards Ryan and says,” I began studying, making it sound sexy and fun and all the ways to study not is unless you’re a guy and be with Brianna. I do not want to see. I do not see them, ? studying together. However, here I am. I continue slowly down the stairs. Ryan’s room is a typical room of a boy. Only how they look because Brianna has told me, and it is that I am familiar with the clothes always lying on the floor and curtains are usually closed. Ryan does all that plus a variety of dishes crusted bits of food scattered everywhere, but in a corner everything is fixed, precise meaning, and I see where you draw, drawing logs of various sizes stacked order, pieces of paper with sketches on a sheet, finger and one eye closed curve fixed in a memo board. I turn away to go at them, hoping to open the drawing logs. Brianna Wishing you want to open them. But instead, she is opening the curtains and looks out the windows of Ryan, calling him to stand by his side, pointing to a car that is going on and asked what she thinks of him. “I do not know,” says Ryan, and Brianna says: C’mon, it’s nice. Is not it beautiful? Can not you just agree with me? I do not want a new car, “says Ryan, and there is something final in his voice.

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

I look at Brianna, who is looking at Ryan as if he had never seen and do not know what to do. It is the startled look that gives parents, but a confused. And almost angry. “Just say it was nice,” she says, her voice going soft and wounded, confused. Did I upset? “No,” said Ryan, looking uncomfortable. Not that. It’s just that … “Well,” says Brianna, and sits on his bed, leaning back a bit, his shirt aside to show the long line of her throat and skin underneath. I think we’d better start studying, right? His voice is still smooth but now is warm, inviting, and I move nervous about the books I’m loading, sliding my fingers around its edges. I want him to sit next to her and I feel happy about it, but do not want to sit next to her, I want to shrug their shoulders and turn to me, see me looking at his drawings and cross the room to me and … - Sarah? Brianna says, with a little edge in his voice, and I shake my head and I say: Yeah, sorry, and I give him a chemistry book, sitting in what appears to be the most clean soil. I think soon I will be sent to get a snack or something to that Brianna would have that alone time you want. “You can not look down there,” says Ryan sitting down on the bed, looking as if he had done something foolish. “Oh, but you two …” There’s room up here, “he says, and pats the bed. “Yes,” says Brianna, “tons of space and no room he has a big bed … but she sounds and looks pleased. I doubt it, and she says, “Come on, smiling his smile Brianna, the smile of all-is-good. His fake smile. I move, and then there are all in bed, and I intend to be studying and I’m pretty sure Brianna is not studying. I see it moving, turning to Ryan, trying to catch his eye. I do not know if Ryan or not studying. I did not think before I sat in bed, so I’m sitting right next to him and I have to keep making me remember not to look, even sideways, but never mind.

I am so aware of how close it is, the way his shoulder hit the mine when you move in bed, and the right side of my body, the side that is closer to him, this drumming, my heart beating

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

Through it, the pressure of blood pounding in my singing just for him so near me. “This is boring,” says Brianna, and I look at it, I address your eyes to the clock, where he spent half an hour. It seems like a long time and yet no time, and I do not want things to change. And while I am also desperate for change. It’s like two people. “So what did you do on Sunday? “Ryan tells me, and I look at Brianna, who is now perfectly still, frozen. -Study with Brianna, “I say, and the thing with lying is that it is not difficult. Easy to say, and look of relief on Brianna’s roster is one that I know. I’m there for her, I am your friend, that’s how things have always been the person who fixes things for her, especially when it comes to kids. “Sure,” Ryan said smiling and then Brianna, and I think what she said. Where he was actually on Sunday. Who was. And I could say what had really happened, to tell the truth, but I would not be doing it for Ryan. I would be doing for me and that would hurt Brianna, the angry much, and the thing that scares me is that a part of me still wants to know and talk. A part of me does not care that he was betraying. A part of me says that she has already given back to Ryan. But then would not it also has given back? And I’m someone who has gone. I know there are bigger things in the world to me, this, that people are hungry and dying and living lives that make mine look as if it were perfect, and I should not be so small. So tiny. I wish I want so much to Ryan, but I do. I do not know how to stop and remind myself that there is a whole world outside the room in which we do not help me. Do not make me a better person, I do not stop thinking about Ryan’s shoulder touching mine and thousands of things as I want but I know that if this were to happen, would in the end of my safe little world.

“The truth is that I went to her house because she was upset at Tommy. You know, at the party, “says Brianna, and that is not appropriate

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

to say but she does not know. She does not listen to Ryan and me talking about it. “Well, I was really upset,” I say. Brianna just wanted to talk to guys and stuff. “Do not worry, I know you will meet someone,” says Brianna, Ryan and shoots a small smile, a smile look what-do-to-animate it, and I’ve seen it before. I always am the one who does not have an appointment, the person that the kids come up and say “So, your friend, you know, are you seeing anyone? ? And may not be the only girl in this one, but sometimes feels that way. Many times. Normally I would not mind. I know that when this old, twenty or twenty-seven, meet someone, but now I feel this fit of rage because Brianna so desperate to see me when I only liked two guys, and they both have chosen her. But when I look at Brianna, something inside me says - so quietly, as if afraid to hear it - what did they do? Does she have chosen? -Call to speak with you, Sarah, I remember, and I see that Brianna’s hand in his arm during the first party. I see her smiling, a smile that I know well. I’ve seen her dazzle to other guys. - Sarah? “Listen, and Brianna placed a hand on my leg, patting my knee. “Hey” I say, and she rolls her eyes but he smiles and says, “You and your habit of mind to stay. I stared at her, I see how it stands up and walks to the bathroom Ryan, opened the tap, and emerges with one of those little cups. She drinks it and then turns around, then throws it back into the darkness of the bathroom, but I hear it hits something, the thud of it landing in the trash basket. She knows the bath Ryan, knows him, and I’m seeing things that are not. Brianna Greg chose to kiss, he did, but Ryan chose to leave that late summer holiday with her. He chose to sit with her. Close your eyes when she comes over to kiss him. Return the kiss.

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

Here there is no evil villain, any friend who is really an enemy and this behind me. Brianna is on what you want, but I’ve never taken something that is mine. Never had to. Everything came willingly, and she has not done anything but be my friend. “Hey, I just thought of something, say when you sit, tapping my knee with his fingers. - Remember that I have some conditioner that is supposed to be great for the limp, lifeless hair okay? I bought it for you and right now I remember. She looks at Ryan. - Do not you think that would help the hair of Sarah? “I think she looks good,” says Ryan, Brianna and I again look at me and rolls her eyes. “Boys,” she says. If you do not go around babeándote about yourself, you look good. I’ll get some potatoes or something. Okay? -Turns back to Ryan. I know where you keep all your mother and I need a break from the chemistry and good will … it will be as it should have been the other night. Poor Brianna, her mother is always tormenting her, and I nod to show he is a good idea. I want her to be able to replace it when his mother ruined. I want to be right, and Brianna smiles. And then he’s gone and I am left alone with Ryan.

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

TRANSLATED BY: + DaRkGiRl + CORRECTED BY: cYeLy DiviNNa

stoy alone with Ryan, and I’m playing her bedspread with a quick hand and let her go, trying not to notice your stuff. Or him.

It’s hard because he still is sitting beside me in silence but there, and is so quiet now. It is so quiet I can hear it, and he is not moving. I do not I’m moving, we are just sitting. It is so peaceful, so quiet …. Is a kind of silence, I know. It’s one that we have shared before, if either of them moves, something happened. - Almost ready! “Brianna” he shouts, his voice weak but cheerful, and I move nervously, feeling guilty and trapped, wanting to be here, but wanted to be away, at home, well, safe from the thoughts that go through my head … Ryan is here sitting next to me, thinking of me, did want to talk? Will you watch me? “Wanting to be sure of myself. I should go, and that’s exactly what I say. “I should go, Brianna and you must want to be alone …” No, “Ryan says and puts his hand on my arm. Her fingers are warm, trembling slightly, I see, sorry. I mean, you … I want to talk about on Friday, he lowers his voice. Try to call on Sunday, but hung up because … this … I do not … I was not my intention for this to happen. First thought: He remembers the kiss! He has thought of that, he is thinking about it! He called me! Second thought: He did not say “Kiss ? or ?, when we kiss he did not say exactly what had happened, what we did, and I know that does not mean anything good. -On Friday ? ? was not my intention is … well that sounds like an error ?-again, hung up when called.

E

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

Two thoughts crossed my mind, a dizzying rise and then fall slowly bumping. I wish it had only been the rise. “Do not say anything to Brianna,” I say, and I know I should look and smile to show I’m fine, everything is fine, but I can not, not yet, just say what I need and I’ll go. Nor am I going to say. I know it was not … like you said, it was not your intention. “But I… I do not mean it was not my intention, “he says, passing a hand through his hair. I mean, I did not mean to kiss you but I do not regret what happened. Should know, but … He is quiet and I look, I can not look at it. “No sorry, the whispers, not as it should. I just … Sarah. He wanted it, wanted the kiss. He wanted to kiss me. There is a small blush on his face, covering his cheeks and forehead, he looks nervous, but then I look a bit and we’re watching. We are watching and only us, only he and I and … - Okay, come down! And Brianna. Brianna making dinner and waiting for us, Brianna, who wants to be with Ryan who made me go with her because she is worried and feels Blame, not as a wave, not a soft rush, but strong and fast, a wall is closed hit me. I’m here with her boyfriend, talking about a kiss that would destroy it. “I …” I say and he also said, at the same time, two overlapping echoes, and I can see his face change as it does mine, I know we’re both remembering where we are. Who turn around. But the thing is, and it’s horrible I know, that’s not enough. All that was and still is not enough to make me stop thinking about Ryan. It is not enough to keep me in mind of Brianna Ryan, as the boyfriend of my best friend.

He recalls, I remember, both at the same time we are preparing, preparing, and I wonder if everything he’s humming, waiting like me. And then here we are, standing by the door, and no

SCOTT ELIZABETH THE UNWRITTEN RULE

PURPLE ROSE FORUM

we go through this together but we have to do it because Brianna is waiting downstairs. Giro when he does too, and now we’re face to face, and I did not dump me so he can go first, I hope he will turn towards me, making, and now there is no air in the room, no air Worldwide, there is only the pulse of my heart beating fast in my chest, quietly pounding in my ears, and he says: “Sarah-very smooth. He says my name and I looked at it. The watches me like the only person in the room, the only person, and shake my head because this can not be, can not, and still is. He’s going to happen. And I want to happen. I close the space between us. Do not close my eyes. I see his face coming closer and I want it. When you kiss me, everything stops. I do not know how long it takes, I do not know if the universe goes through us, if she slips and dies and is reborn again, because all that matters is your mouth on mine, my mouth on yours. The feel of him pressed against me, shoulders, chest, legs and is too but not enough. I crawl up inside what is happening. I mark in my brain to never forget. I’m on my toes to reach it, and then he pulls me closer, wrapping his hands. Standing up, and he is holding. His mouth on mine. He tastes like toothpaste, and skin at the base of your neck is warm and soft and he breathes faster pressed me against him. The touch of his mouth, his body and we are pushing closer. Will I push on it?, “My heart will beat with yours? “Hey, guys, Brianna come and yell, your voice close on the stairs, and silence, our silence is broken. I hear their footsteps and our breathing. I feel my back pressed against the door frame, I feel your hands on me, one holding my waist, the other bent on my hip. Breathe Your forehead touching mine, I have a view of her lips.