The Ultimate Guide to Kink (26 page)

But since telling kids that abstinence is the best birth control hasn’t done squat to reduce teenage pregnancy, let me tell you how to choke someone in a
safer
way. Notice that I don’t say “safe”? There is no way to guarantee safety, folks—none.

Many people find choking during oral sex, intercourse, or kissing a huge turn-on. It heightens sensations, causes head rushes, and enhances the feeling of taking and being taken. One way to create the now-I’m-forced-and-helpless feeling of choking without choking is to wrap your hand around your partner’s throat without any pressure while you’re fucking. Although your hand may cover the larynx, do not press against it—it’s far too fragile and can be crushed by too much pressure. Once again, as in spanking and face slapping, being ever aware of the placement, strength, and pressure of your hands is vital. Place your thumb and forefinger on either side of the throat under the jaw, back toward the ears. Press into the throat and up toward the ears and squeeze your fingers against the carotid arteries, reducing blood flow to the brain.

Pressing (not slamming) your partner’s head into a pillow or against the wall gives you more leverage—but might make him pass out. Everyone’s body has a shutoff valve to protect itself, but because each person’s threshold is different, there is no way to know when someone might pass out. Passing out is enormously dangerous: there’s no way to recover those brain cells that were killed, and he could have a heart attack or a stroke. If you see his eyes rolling back in his head, stop. Learn everything you can about breath play before you try it on anyone. I recommend you attend a class at a BDSM event taught by a reputable teacher.

BRUTAL AFFECTION AFTERCARE

When you play rough, your body can get marked up. You can have surface or deep bruising, redness of the skin, scrapes, and even internal bruising (cervix, pelvic bone, inside of mouth). Always check in with your partner before doing something that might leave a mark. And remember that everyone’s skin is different—some people bruise, mark, and scar more easily than others. I remember, the first time I played rough with a lover, I was careful about how I slapped her face, but bam! She got a black eye. I felt pretty rotten, but my lover thought it looked tough. Lucky for me, tough was good. Another time, I thought I kneed my partner with careful force between his butt cheeks as he stood, but I was wrong. He had to go to several extra chiropractic visits for a bruised coccyx (tailbone). Experience and consent were present in both situations, and, well, shit happens.

The emotional risks of this kind of sex play are even more unpredictable. Depending on one’s history of abuse or trauma, sex in general can bring up big emotions—often taking us by surprise. Many people report weeping at or immediately following orgasm. This doesn’t mean something horrible happened—just a huge swell of emotions that came unplugged with the release of tension and chemicals in the muscles and brain. Bring in power play, primal responses, physical roughness—regardless of consent being clearly given—and the stakes get higher, the possible responses bigger. Trusting your partner is key. If you know you might respond negatively to a particular activity, warn your partner away from doing it, or tell her what might happen and what she should do in response. One more great reason to have a safeword or gesture.

IDEAS, POSITIONS, AND PLACES

•
Missionary never felt so good. He’s fucking you hard as you lie on your back: you pound on his back with your fists.

•
You’re sitting on top straddling your lover: punch the pecs (avoid breasts and sternum).

•
While spanking him, throw in a few punches—the thudding sensation is a perfect counterbalance to the sting of the slap.

•
Restrain by rope, pallet wrap, or leather restraints. (When someone is retrained, he is unable to move with the punch and therefore absorbs the full power behind it—accommodate as needed.)

•
Try it on the floor, in a chair, or standing against a wall in a hall, alley, bathroom, hotel room, pool.

•
Try it with your partner’s legs spread/tied open—fuck her cunt while you punch her chest.

•
Bend him over a couch or bed—fuck his ass, punch his back, ass, and upper thighs.

•
Remember, punching is one more thrilling ingredient to make your sex a magnificent feast.

Even after many years of understanding and coming to terms with my childhood abuse, I still have unexpected responses during sex; sometimes I get scared and lose track of where I am or who I’m with. Moreover, because my abuse started preverbally, I sometimes lose the ability to speak my needs in these moments. Being aware of this and telling my lovers about it when we’re talking about our desires and needs allows us to establish supportive strategies if something comes up. Taking care of myself sets another brick into the foundation of trust and safety we build. Couple that with articulated desire and consent? Stand back for Richter-scale sex.

YOU’RE A GREAT LOVER. NOW GET BETTER.

Sex is about the journey, not the arrival. It’s a verb, not a noun. It requires bravery and compassion for yourself and your lover. Remember that laughing can save a far too serious scene or sex that’s threatening to become boring. If something is funny—you can’t walk with those new 10-inch stilettos you just got, or the phone rings in the middle of the deserted-island fantasy you both created—laugh. Just make sure you’re laughing
with
your partner, please.

And don’t forget to breathe! Fear, pain, anger, frustration—these are just a few reasons why we forget to breathe. Yes, forget. When we are so focused on taking the sexy hard stuff being doled out to us, it’s easy to hold our breath. Givers, if you notice your lover holding his breath, remind him to breathe. If you are playing with power, you can say, “Give me your breath.” Perhaps it’s corny, but it works. Breathing allows much deeper sensuality, connection, and experience. And you givers, if you’re not breathing, you’re not in your body enough to keep you and your lover safe and turned on.

Rough sex is far more than simply banging away on someone. Rough sex is taking and being taken. Ravaging and being ravaged. Pushing and being pushed. Letting go and letting go. Rough sex is an attitude. It’s a journey. And it’s truly astounding. Talk. Fuck. Play. Risk. Love. Laugh. Respect.

Go get ’em, tiger. And don’t forget the lube.

Endnotes

1
Chasing the Jersey, “Why I Sleep With Athletes And Why You Should, Too,” December 24, 2010,
http://www.sportsgrid.comnfl/chasing-the-jersey-why-i-sleep-with-athletes-and-why-you-should-too/
.

CHAPTER 10

BUTTHOLE BLISS: THE INS AND OUTS OF ANAL FISTING

PATRICK CALIFIA

Anal fisting (or handballing) is one of the most extreme sexual acts that one person can allow another to do to his or her body. In fact, some so-called experts still deny that it’s even physically possible. Ha! What do they know? I have been there and done that with more people than you’ve probably had sex with in your whole life. And so have happy hosts of other sexual gourmets. So I’m here to tell you it can be done (and how). Putting your whole hand up somebody else’s butt is an exhilarating experience. When you can feel those hot, greasy membranes close around your wrist and forearm, and your partner’s heartbeat feels as if it is literally in the palm of your hand, there is nothing more intimate. You are sharing an erotic space that has the potential to become a temple both sacred and profane. Few other things can equal the rush. Unless, of course, you’re the one who is getting handballed. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot that part.

But anal fisting is also one of the most potentially dangerous things a bottom can ask a top to do. There is no room here for getting it almost right. You need to be able to demand perfection of yourself and your partner. Ironically and paradoxically, before you can pig out, you have to have acquired a sort of exotic discipline that never lets up. Nine-tenths of fisting has nothing to do with the act itself, but with the preparation. Something that may look depraved and even brutal is actually as formal as any high holy day ritual. Are you washed in the blood of the lamb? Try some Crisco instead. Because we don’t want any blood here, or even any pain.

Handballing is, on one level, just another form of fucking. Penetration given and received is about as vanilla as it gets. This is why some who fly the red hanky feel that their fetish has little or nothing to do with BDSM. Being around people who are getting noisily spanked and whipped and are screaming to the rhythm of the cane can be too distracting for some degenerates who enjoy heavy anal play. They prefer to keep these activities away from leathersex. If they are going to play in a group, it will be a group of other handballers, with the appropriate background music: a lot of bass, and the moans and groans of others whose asses are being judiciously tormented.

In fact, the notorious San Francisco fisting club The Catacombs was founded by Steve McEachern in part because his brothers in the Fist Fuckers of America (FFA) objected to his love of bondage, flagellation, and other kinkiness. If pain turns you on, a pair of nipple clamps or a slap or 12 on the butt might be the foreplay you need to open up and take it good. In my opinion, that’s more about how the individual is wired than any kind of moral claim that one sort of sex might have to being better than another.

But making a distinction is still useful because of what is required to do fisting safely. In some ways, I would rather do handballing with an individual who is not a masochist, because they are more likely to understand that I don’t want them putting up with any anal or rectal pain. I’m sadistic as hell, but this is one sex act that I want to take place with as little discomfort as possible. Outright pain is a sign that something is going very wrong! Things never ought to get to that point. But a compliant bottom who is grooving on getting hurt can keep his or her mouth shut until injury may occur. Which is my worst nightmare.

Anal fisting is near the end of the line in a long series of warm-up acts of sodomy. The first time somebody rubs a little spit on the outside of your asshole and you feel yourself shiver, who knows if that’s where you are headed? Because there’s no wrong or right place to go with a love of anal sex; rimming is no more or less wonderful than sitting on a dildo that’s 12 inches around. The point with all forms of sex is to make each other feel good. If all you like is vanilla, there’s no point to engaging in other acts just to make yourself look cool. Within the realm of what we sometimes dismiss as vanilla is enough wisdom and sensuality to confound the angels. There’s good information about anal sex technique in books devoted to the subject, so I will just add a couple of my personal parameters. The first and most important is, you will enjoy anal sex a lot more if you can make a contract with your butt that you will never allow it to be hurt. You don’t have to get fucked in a hurry to prove that you are worthwhile or fun. Slow the fuck down and relish what you are doing.

The same dictum goes for tops. Knowing how to handball is based on a bunch of Assplay 101 seminars. You need to have sensitive hands that can tell when that little muscle is aching to be opened up, and when it’s just aching. The strong muscles in your forearm are meant to keep the ride going for a long time—not to bully your way past some imaginary doorkeeper. I like to tell the bottom that what we are doing is teasing their asshole and making it so hungry that it’s going to start sucking things up, opening up and drawing what it craves into itself. I am just going to hold still and let him or her show me how much they need. (Of course this is a lie; I can’t really hold still for very long. Even if I got my ADHD meds.) But there are many motions that arouse the anus other than simple thrusting. Stroking, vibrating, and tickling, plus smoothing out the big muscles around the opening—these are all helpful to aid relaxation, dilation, arousal, and release.

PREPARATION

Preparation for a fisting scene begins about 48 hours before the date. This is because most fisters want the rectum and colon to be cleaned out before play begins. Going on a diet of soft foods or liquids that pass quickly through your body is step one. Six to eight hours before the date itself, you can start with a series of enemas that will keep your bowel free from obstruction. Use tepid water. Water that is too cold will cause cramping, and you don’t want water that is too hot, for obvious reasons. Many fisters get tired of filling up and emptying those bags you buy at the drugstore, and have a hose installed on their shower. A nozzle should ideally be used by one person only. If it has to be shared, soak it in a 10% bleach solution, but be aware that this may not kill hepatitis B or C. Using the hoses at a club is a recipe for getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI), so don’t do it. If you are a visitor from out of town, resign yourself to buying an enema bag at a local pharmacy and using it repeatedly.

How long does it take to clean out? This varies so much from one individual to another that I don’t know how to answer this question. Your diet as well as your anatomy and the level of control you have over it are important factors. Some are lucky enough to be able to take water in and eliminate it smoothly. Others needs to wait around, read the newspaper, take a walk, etc., before the water will drop. Getting rid of all the water is as important as getting rid of all the poo. It’s considered extremely rude to hit your top in the face with a wave of unclean aqua. Give yourself enough time to feel really prepared. Rushing it will just make douching, as it’s known, feel uncomfortable. Creating a lot of cramping with hasty enemas may make it harder for your butt to relax during handballing.