The Ultimate Guide to Kink (11 page)

TIPS AND TECHNIQUES

When getting started, remember that arousal goes hand in hand with relaxation in the process of getting fisted. Someone who is turned on, who wants to get fisted, and feels excited about it is far more likely to enjoy the process than someone whose body is pushed to go from zero to 60 in three seconds. Just as with any other form of BDSM or sex play, we need some time to get our bodies warmed up. Other kinds of kinky play can do the job—a flogging or caning for someone who enjoys those sensations, or perhaps a bit of bondage and humiliation. Of course, you can also do some more direct sexual stimulation with hands, mouths, toys, or cocks, as well!

As your partner gets more and more turned on, start using your fingers or penetrative toys to get her vagina more relaxed and opened up. My preference is to use my fingers, slipping them in slowly, one at a time, and letting my partner’s body get accustomed to the sensation before adding an additional finger. I find that taking lots of time, letting my fingers slowly stretch the vagina out rather than thrusting in and out, most often gives me better results; the thrusting can often fatigue the vaginal walls and be overwhelming for the fistee, especially over the course of the play date. I have a number of friends who prefer to get their partners ready to take their hand by using different-sized dildos or vibrators to stretch the vagina, then move on to inserting three or four fingers and working up from there. Again, each body is different, so take time and ask questions to find what works best for you and your partner.

The bottom may mention that she feels an urge to urinate—this is perfectly normal and, in fact, may be the precursor of ejaculation. I know that the first few times I had a partner try to fist me, I worried so much about not peeing on them that I remained too tense to really enjoy the session. Having absorbent pads handy to catch any urine that comes out can help; mostly, it’s vital for you to reassure your partner that she can relax about it, or even encourage her to “push” with the feeling of needing to pee, since that often triggers ejaculation. Above all, it’s vital not to overreact or immediately pull your hand out and shuffle your partner off to the bathroom; the feedback loop that we create with a partner when we express upset or disgust about their bodily functions will eventually limit their ability to relax and enjoy the scenes we create with them.

I like to feel dirty when we play, so sometimes my Mistress tells me how wet I am, or how I look with my legs up in the air and my cunt open for her. She’ll encourage me to squirt, tell me to bear down, not just because it makes it easier for me to orgasm, but also because She knows that it’s both embarrassing and erotic for me. For some reason, when She calls attention to what my body is doing, it makes it easier for me to just go with it and enjoy it.

—JEN

Stimulating the G-spot or A-spot can help the bottom relax and enjoy the sensations even more; in some cases, orgasms that happen during fisting can create more relaxation postorgasm, allowing you to fit even more of your hand into your partner. However, for some people the additional stimulation actually pushes them to a place where they tighten their vagina even more, so pay attention to whether different kinds of stimulation get your partner more into the fisting or take her away from the experience that you want to create. If you want to increase the G-spot stimulation, pressing or rocking your hand to push against it with your thumb or forefinger can work well, as it doesn’t require you to remove your hand in order to add to stimulation. Some people also enjoy tucking a small bullet vibe into their hand and pressing it against the G-spot.

As you gradually insert more of your hand into your partner’s body, check in regularly. Ask your partner to tell you how it’s feeling, and where she’s feeling pain or discomfort. This is really important, because it will allow you to adjust your technique to help her feel more comfortable. You may also have her use hand signals like the universal “stop” sign (holding up her outstretched hand) or a thumbs-up if she’s ready for more—this can provide an additional way for her to communicate while still being able to stay in the moment. Also, remember that it’s important to relube your hand regularly, and check your gloves for any signs of breakage.

Many people get frustrated during fisting. “I can’t get my hand in past the knuckles” or “I’m out of room” are frequent comments from novice and sometimes even experienced fisters. The reality is that we are working to fit our hands into a part of the body that usually doesn’t expand more than a few inches in diameter, so it’s not always the easiest thing to make happen. The first “bump in the road” is often just before the knuckles enter the vagina—we run out of “stretch” and may feel as if we are totally blocked.

There are a few ways you can work past this. First, make sure your partner is relaxed and is doing what she can to open up to you. (More about that in a few paragraphs.) Second, slowly rotate your hand, gently pressing in at different angles and in different positions as you go “around the clock” in your movements—often there is a particular angle or direction where you’ll feel a bit more room to work with. It’s not necessarily intuitive—one of my partners can’t take my hand if it’s parallel or perpendicular to her, but she can easily let it in if my hand is at a 45-degree angle. You may also want to try those different body positions I mentioned earlier. Some people find that being on their hands and knees (doggie style) or lying on their side relaxes their pelvic muscles and allows them to take even more. The good news is that once you’ve found a great position, chances are it will continue to work for you in the future.

When the challenge isn’t so much the stretch to accommodate your knuckles but the length you have to work with, it’s time to adjust your hand position. Fisting doesn’t happen effectively unless we use our hands as flexible tools, and visualizing your partner’s internal landscape through your touch can help you adjust your position to get more of your hand inside her. I like to close my eyes and “feel” for opportunities to curl my fingers; in most cases, the vagina opens up past the first few inches, and you can begin to curl your fingers to make a fist. Usually the thumb, once it’s inside your partner, will naturally fold in toward the center of the palm; letting your fingers close around it will help you penetrate more fully and fill your partner’s vagina more completely.

FOR THE BOTTOM

For a bottom, the experience of fisting is almost as much a mental as a physical process—perhaps even more. Being able to allow our body to open up to our partner is not an easy thing for many of us, so learning techniques to help it along is key to your own enjoyment—and it makes you an active participant in the process, which is even hotter than just lying back and waiting for it to happen. Start by focusing on your own relaxation—this can be difficult if it’s your first time or if you’re in an unfamiliar location, but it’s absolutely key to being able to accept your partner’s hand. One technique I use is deep breathing, which helps our bodies relax more fully with each breath. As you breathe deeply, focus on the muscles in your lower body—your vaginal muscles, your ass, your hips, even your belly—and imagine that each muscle relaxes just a little bit more every time you exhale.

Another way to open up is to use visualization techniques. A simple one? Continue to breathe deeply as I described above, but shift your focus specifically to your vagina. With each exhale, visualize your body opening up more and more. As many of us already know, our minds have an amazing influence over our bodies (including functions that we don’t often consider to be linked to our emotions), so use your creative juices along with your sexual juices to have a more incredible experience being fisted.

The one thing that will almost always defeat us in our search for pleasure is a negative attitude. Expecting that you will be able to easily take your partner’s entire hand, or that you will orgasm from the experience, or even that you will be able to maintain your composure, can short-circuit your ability to go with the flow of the experience and appreciate it for the process that it is. While you’re breathing deeply, stay focused in the moment. If you feel happy and full of laughter, let it out; if the sensation brings up sadness, or fear, talk it out (or cry it out) with your top. Our bodies have their own memories; it’s not uncommon for sex and kink (especially when they push our previously conceived limitations) to tap into some of those memories. By releasing them, we can embrace our own internal reality and give our tops the opportunity to create that safe space for us as we experience them—and move on toward even more pleasure!

Discomfort is part of the process for many people when they’re being fisted. Let’s face it—a part of the body is being stretched pretty wide open. Pressure is a common feeling; breathing and relaxation techniques should help you process and move beyond it. However, you should alert your partner to a sharp pain or burning sensation as soon as possible. The vaginal walls are quite strong in most people, but they can still be damaged with small tears to the tissue—and that means you will have both pain and healing time, as well as, potentially, scar tissue that can make future penetration less comfortable. This is really not an area where putting up with pain for any length of time is a good idea. Often, you can manage it by letting your partner know where the pain is, as much as you’re able to, and having her adjust the angle or amount of pressure behind her penetration to a more comfortable level.

The end goal of a fisting—whether it’s with the whole hand in up to the wrist and multiple ejaculations, or just getting to the knuckles for the first time—is to heighten the sense of intimacy between partners. When a top has his hand inside his partner, not only does the act say, “I own this,” but it also provides the rush that comes with reaching a new plateau with his partner; the sense of control, power, and physical intimacy can be overwhelming. The first time I really experienced this was after a few hours of off-and-on insertion play, finally ending up with my knuckles just getting inside my lover’s body. She started orgasming, and I could feel her vagina hot and tight, squeezing my fingers together—but rather than feeling uncomfortable, it felt like I was an active part of her orgasm, not just the person who was doing the work to get her there. I felt mentally and emotionally aroused to an incredible degree—I had a brain orgasm right along with her physical one. Since then, I’ve looked at fisting a partner as a great honor and privilege, and it’s become one of the most pleasurable tools in my arsenal of sexual domination.

AFTERCARE

When is the fisting scene over? When you both say it is. I’ve had as many fisting scenes end because of my own hand and arm cramps as because my partner was finished. It should go on as long as you both comfortably want to continue. Some people like to finish off with an orgasm (or two, or three, or a hundred); some people like to stay at a plateau for as long as possible and then slowly bring the scene to a close. There is no right way to do a fisting; as long as neither partner feels that the end was abrupt or unpleasant, then you’ve done it correctly.

You may see some blood as a result of the fisting; this is not terribly uncommon, as the capillaries that run close to the surface of the vaginal walls may break open and leak a small amount of blood. However, if you see larger amounts of blood, you will want to back off and make sure that your partner is not bleeding from damage to the vaginal walls. Minor bleeding will subside very quickly and is nothing to be alarmed about; if it doesn’t stop quickly or increases, a trip to the doctor or urgent care is strongly recommended.

As part of aftercare, you can use witch hazel wipes (the kind made for hemorrhoid treatment) externally to soothe any swollen tissue around the vulva; they will also remove the excess lube gently. I also recommend that the bottom urinate as soon as possible afterward, to push out any bacteria that could cause a urinary tract infection. Spend time connecting, emotionally and spiritually, whether it’s cuddling, having more sex, or going out to dinner and sharing a dessert. This helps bring a natural close to the intensity of the scene. The aftercare may be a bit different from what we think of as a post-BDSM scene, but the end result should be the same: both (or all) parties involved feel comfortable, connected, and cared for.

Like most BDSM activities, vaginal fisting is a physical activity that can, at its finest, bring about an amazing sense of self, of connection, of esteem and pride, and most important, a feeling of power for everyone involved—not just the top. To open up one’s body and offer it to another is the height of strength and trust. To be the person who is invited to enter should be embraced with humility, compassion, and joy. Fisting is transcendent sex. If it is done in a way that honors all participants, it can take us on a journey to the farthest reaches of our growth as sexual, kinky beings.

CHAPTER 5

BONDAGE FOR SEX

MIDORI

Bondage sex is hot. Your senses are heightened and the mundane details of life melt away. You can savor your lover’s every touch and movement as forbidden fantasies come to life and pleasures are intensified.

Bondage is one of the easiest and most versatile forms of kinky play. It can be as simple or as elaborate as you wish it to be. Whether your tastes run sweet and romantic or gritty and intense, there’s bondage fun to suit your different moods. It’s just as much fun in your bedroom, a romantic getaway hotel, a fully equipped dungeon, or even an alpine tent. The creative potential and sensual possibilities are endless, making this the perfect pleasure art for a lifetime of boredom-proof sex. So it’s no surprise that bondage is one of the fastest growing trends among the sexually adventurous.