The Ultimate Guide to Kink (25 page)

—MANDY

Let’s talk about slapping, face slapping, and punching. It’s important to know where it’s safe to hit someone’s body. (Have I mentioned consent recently? Here is your reminder that you need consent in order for any of this
not
to be abusive. Explicit, noncoerced consent.) Check out Illustration 9.1: Where to strike. All the places marked 1 and 2 are perfect for slapping. Places marked 3 should not be hit.

Illustration 9.1. Where to strike

There are three basic kinds of slaps: cupped hand, open/flat hand, and fingertips only.

Cupped-Hand Slap

Your hand is extended, fingers together, slightly bent. When the hand connects with the skin, it makes a hollow sound. This is the least stingy of the three types of slaps; it’s a great one for beginners, for warm-up, and for anywhere on the body (including genitals).

Open/Flat-Hand Slap

The hand is positioned just as the name suggests. Use this slap everywhere that’s safe to strike, with varying amounts of intensity and depth. You don’t have to haul off and slap somebody silly simply because you want to play rough. Repetitive, gentle slapping—especially on sensitive areas—can feel remarkable. Light slaps feel sharp and stingy, while heavy ones will leave a tingling, burning sensation for some time after the hand is removed. This slap is great for butt, face, belly, chest, and thighs, and lightly on genitals.

Fingertip Slap

Ow! This is a mean one. Imagine swatting away the hand reaching for your last cookie, using your fingertips to connect with the offending hand or arm and then pulling off quickly. That’s this one. Can be used with care anywhere on your lover’s body to make it sting.

Face Slapping

Perhaps you want to slap someone’s face. Or have yours slapped. You’re in great company. Face slapping can change the direction and intensity of a scene like nothing else, allowing the one who is slapping to feel turned on and powerful over his lover, and the one receiving the slap to feel intense intimacy, “put in his place,” made to feel small, loved, humiliated, turned on, quiet, woken up—a million amazing things. Face slapping can also bring up immediate, unexpected emotional responses like rage, tears, or panic.

Unlike what we see in the movies, face slapping can really hurt; it can be disorienting and humiliating. If someone’s past includes physical, verbal, or sexual abuse, whether in childhood or adulthood, face slapping may send them into a tailspin, making everyone feel pretty bad. Be sure to mention face slapping specifically when you and your partner discuss what works and doesn’t work for you. Even if you are already getting busy, check in first before you slap someone’s face. Holding his head, show him your hand and ask, “Yes?” Wait for a response before you continue. This goes for people who have been lovers for a while too—today might have been a tough day for her, and face slapping will be too much to deal with. If your partner has TMJ (a chronic inflammation of the jaw) or other jaw issues, don’t do this. Avoid the cheek and jawbones, eyes, and ears. You might want to take off those glasses too.

When you have your partner’s consent, support the right side of her head with your left hand (opposite for lefties). Spread your fingers apart so that the ear is not pressed between your fingers and her head. Supporting the head like this prevents the head and neck from being jerked suddenly and damaging to the neck. It’s also a great way to get eye contact with your lover: a perfect moment for the giver to “own” the moment, keeping calm and attitudinally tall. Watch as that energy transfers through your hands and eyes to your partner and back again—it’s electrifying and sexy, and it can be hugely moving. With your right hand, place your
fingers
(not palm) on the fleshy part of her cheek. Don’t include her jaw, eye, or ear. When you’re learning this technique it’s easy to miss the target, so do a slow trial run. Pull your hand back and
place
it on her cheek. Start slowly and lightly. After you deliver a slap or two, check in. Ask, “On a scale of one to ten, how hard was that?” This is a great way to discover what she wants as well as to gauge your strength. (It’s a common complaint, especially of people who study martial arts, work out, or do a lot of manual labor, that it’s difficult to know what too hard looks like.) This gets you two talking, as well.

FACE SLAPPING IDEAS

•
She’s on her knees sucking your cock. Holding the left side of her head and steadying her jaw, slap her face. Remember, her teeth are very close to your sensitive cock; by steadying her jaw, you minimize risk of accidental bites (or payback bites!). You can also pull her mouth off your cock, slap her, and then put her right back where you both want her.

•
Instead of using your hand to support his head, press one side of his face onto a soft or firm surface. This is great for getting busy with the other hand. Use great caution here, though: a wall or floor, even the bed or a pillow, doesn’t have the give that your other hand would have. A slap is felt more intensely in these positions.

•
Want to up the ante? Once you’ve established that face slapping is a go, try slapping her without holding the side of her head. Be careful that her head does not snap back or to the side. Try a few backhand slaps as well.

Punching

There is something explicitly erotic to me about being punched, the flesh-on-flesh of it sends my mind into a place like nothing else does.

Punching is an aspect of rough sex that at first glance might freak you out, but punching during fucking is sexy, fun, and mighty, and something that tons of people are into. Gender, muscle power, and size are irrelevant—the playing field can be leveled by desire. It’s certainly not just the domain of athletes or men: countless nonjock women—queer and straight, tough and tender—adore punching and getting punched as part of their sex. It builds and releases a deep, primal energy exchange between giver and receiver. It’s incredibly intimate, especially face to face. It’s verboten. It’s fun and fierce. You get to feel “taller” in yourself and in the world. Both givers and receivers can push themselves like marathon runners, getting off on the release of their pent-up junk and feeling happy, whole, and high from the release of endorphins. They get to tap into their fierce animal selves, otherwise held captive by the daily confines of rules, assumptions, fears.

However, family and society teach that hitting between lovers is abuse; if you like to hit or be hit, you are mentally and emotionally unstable; boys are never supposed to hit girls; girls wouldn’t want to hit boys; two girls hitting each other is funny—it’s a catfight (or bad porn); two boys hitting each other is normal and has nothing to do with sex; trans people don’t exist, so they don’t even make it into the equation.
Forget all of it.
Really. Useless crap. The one thing to learn and remember: When there is
explicit consent
, the doors to boundless possibilities in sex swing wide open.

How to Punch

This isn’t a street brawl or Gold’s Gym; there is no boxing ring and there are no adversaries—you’re both on the same team, with a common goal: joining together to make your sex unspeakably hot and raucous. Know your own strength—you’re going for controlled
sensation
not a knockout. Build up slowly, see what turns on your partner. As I advised above, don’t slap or punch when you’re angry; this is not a substitute for resolving conflicts with love and respect.

Givers:
Make a fist, thumb in front, outside. Use the flat part of your fingers or the side or back of your fist (or you can slightly lift your middle knuckle and make that the first point of contact), keeping the wrist firm but not locked. Do
not
use your full strength—especially when starting out. Stay aware of your body and your strength, and of how to place a punch as opposed to throwing one without care for where it lands. Remember too that what the receiver may want and what feels good to her today may be undesirable tomorrow, depending on her mood and physical health, including her menstrual cycle. Vary the depth and speed of punches; light, repetitive punches can build anticipation and allow the receiver to find the head space to go deeper and receive more.

Receivers:
Don’t clench up when receiving a punch. Breathe. If being punched on a certain part of your body doesn’t turn you on, try another meaty muscled spot. Or say no, thank you. Don’t give in to fear, or allow yourself to discover what might feel exquisite. Asking your partner to lighten up or shift position slightly is a sign of an engaged and passionate partner. Good for you.

You can punch anywhere on the body you can spank or slap. Areas good for punching: back (the meaty back/shoulder muscles), upper and inner thighs (inner is more sensitive), chest/pecs, side/upper arms, and ass. Areas you shouldn’t punch: joints, spine, kidneys, bony protrusions, throat, neck, sternum, feet, hands, ears, and eyes. There are a multitude of opinions regarding whether or not it is safe to punch breasts. It has been said that punching breasts can cause cysts to develop or damage already existing cysts. The generally accepted guidelines are to punch the pectoral muscles, not the breasts or the sternum.

Bruising

Not all punching leads to bruising—not even close. But since everyone bruises differently, I’m including a few simple steps to take in case you bruise after an especially hot encounter. Some medications can cause people to bruise more easily, including blood thinners, antihistamines, and aspirin. Tylenol and Advil do not increase susceptibility to bruising. If you are concerned about visible bruises, apply ice to reduce possible swelling; after 24 to 48 hours you may switch to warm compresses. A cold shower may reduce bruising; a hot one can reactivate it later. (Some people get off on their sex bruises as memories of love or heat.) Bruising often takes hours or even days to appear.

It’s common for the appearance of bruises to travel. Your
breast
may turn all sorts of rainbow colors but you are sure that only your
pecs
were punched. Generally this is not a problem and the bruises will fade. Using the herb arnica—available at most drugstores in a cream or gel or as an edible herb in pill form at health food stores—can help reduce the occurrence or persistence of bruising. You can take it before or after you play. If heavy impact is a big part of your scene, you might feel the next day as though you were hit by a Mack truck, or exhibit flu symptoms. Drink lots of water and keep an eye on the swelling.

Breath Play and Choking

He opened the door, shoved his way in, and pinned me by my throat against the smooth wall of the hallway. He kissed me so hard I thought he would bruise my mouth. I don’t even know what happened, but he made his mouth a seal that enveloped mine and then he held my nose closed with his other hand. That fear that makes me so crazy slipped over me and I could feel myself weaken in his grip. He decided when it was time for me to breathe—to take air; he let the seal between our lips loosen for only a moment and then owned my breath all over again. God, I loved it.

Controlling someone’s breath with your hand or mouth (breath play) is very intimate and can be dangerous and scary as well. One way to do it is described above. Here are a few variations:

• Kiss your partner, making a seal over both mouth and nose. Breathe rhythmically. Soon you are each breathing the other’s inhalations and exhalations.

• Place one hand over your partner’s mouth and pinch her nostrils closed.

• Bite and suck with your mouth, play with his nipples and breasts with your free hand. Release the nostrils when it’s time for him to breathe.

Breath play is quite prevalent in porn, and many people equate choking or strangulation with rough sex. But I’m going to tell you right now, there is
no way
to choke someone without huge risk of injury or possible death. There is abundant documentation of heart attacks, brain damage, seizures, and crushed larynxes—all these effects and more have been clearly linked to choking, strangulation, and other forms of controlling your own or another’s breathing.