The Twitter History of the World (14 page)

@SteveJobs
I’m pretty stoked to unveil the iPod. You can now carry your entire music collection in your pocket.
09.30am, October 23, 2001

AlanSugar
@SteveJobs That’ll never work. By next Christmas the iPod will be dead, finished, gone, kaput. You’re fired!
09.31am, February1, 2005

@SteveJobs
@AlanSugar Dude, we totally just sold our 300millionth iPod.
05.28pm, October 04, 2008

@AlanSugar
Are there any programmes that deleet old Tweets?
05.29pm, October 04, 2008

@PiersMorgan
RT @AlanSugar Are there any programmes that deleet old Tweets? <— – It’s ‘delete’
05.34pm, October 04, 2008

@SteveJobs
@PiersMorgan Lol!
05.35pm, October 04, 2008

The Apple iPod, the best known of MP3 players, was launched in October 2001. Alan Sugar predicted that it would be short and unsuccessful fad. The sales figures proved otherwise.

@OssieBinL
Just moved into a new gaff. I’m loving it! We’re safe as houses with these here walls.
4.59pm, May 10, 2006

@OssieBinL
Must say, I’m likin’ the look of this @BarackObama dude. If @GeorgeW couldn’t catch me this dude never will. Nice name, too.
4.12 am, November 5, 2008

@USNavySeals
How ya doin, @OssieBinL?
01.03am, May 02, 2011
[Retweeted by @BarackObama]

@BarackObama
Ladies and gentlemen, @OssieBinL sleeps with the fishes
9.00 am, May 02, 2011

Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden had been living in a compound near Islamabad in Pakistan for five years when US Navy Seals burst in and assassinated him. He was quickly buried at sea.

@NationalEnquirer
@TigerWoods Is it true you’ve been having an affair?
8.42pm, November 20, 2009

@TigerWoods
@NationalEnquirer Excuse me? As if I, a married man, would ever sleep with some rando. Can you even imadge?
8.44pm, November 20, 2009

@TigerWoods
Totally just had a minor collision in my Cadillac SUV. Hit a fire hydrant, a tree and several hedges.
No biggie – just standard 2am stuff.
2.52am, November 27, 2009

@TigerWoods
Oh, I was bleeding and semi-conscious, too. As I say, no biggie. I’m a family man. Quit with the unfounded rumours!
2.59am, November 27, 2009

@TigerWoods
Shit.
2.11pm, December 2, 2009

@TigerWoods
I’ve let my family down & I regret those transgressions with all my heart. I’ve not been true to my values & behaviour my family deserves
5.12pm, December 2, 2009

@TigerWoods
I’m far from perfect. Somewhere between 12 & 120 affairs away from perfect. I’ll survive: I’ll just confess in a self-righteous styleeee.
8.44pm, November 20, 2009

Tiger Woods fiercely denied having extra marital affairs until the combined force of a 2am car crash and a leaked voicemail showed otherwise. He then embarked on a peculiar PR drive to try and redress the damage to his image.

@GordonBrown
@LabourAide Who the *fuck* was that bigoted woman?
11.51am, April 28, 2010
[Retweeted by @SkyNews and 56million others]

@GordonBrown
@LabourAide Was that a Tweet? I thought it was a DM. Ach, bollocks to it!
11.52am, April 28, 2010

@NickClegg
Guys: vote for us and we will scrap tuition fees, oppose a rise in VAT and protect the National Health Service. #promise
23.59pm, May 5, 2010

@NickClegg
Sorry, I meant: vote for us and we will not scrap tuition fees, not oppose a rise in VAT and not protect the National Health Service. #mybad
9.00am, May 7, 2010

@DavidCameron
Good chap, @NickClegg. Now remember what I said: we all take you jolly seriously – you’ve even got your own ministerial car! *pats head*
9.01am, May 7, 2010

The 2010 general election delivered a hung parliament. David Cameron’s Conservatives formed a coalition government with Nick Clegg’s Liberal Democrats.

@SteveCoogan
Come on, @HughGrant, we need to nail these tabloid ogres. We can’t take this lying down!
22.59pm, July 2, 2010

@HughGrant
@SteveCoogan Now come-come old bean. I’ve taken a bit lying down in LA.
11.21pm, July 2, 2010

@PiersMorgan
@SteveCoogan @HughGrant I’ve got more Twitter followers than you!!!
11.25pm, July 2, 2010

@MaxMosley
@SteveCoogan Could you ‘block’ me on Twitter? I’m happy to pay for the displeasure…
11.51pm, July 2, 2010

@SteveCoogan
Pack it up, Mosley. I’m tired of this vulgarity. We’ve got a crusade to launch here. I’m thinking Richard the Lionheart!
12.01am, July 3, 2010

@HughGrant
Reminds me, @Hugh’sAgent do you think I’ll be able to play Hugh Grant in Leveson: The Movie? #anyonebutcoogan
12.03am, July 3, 2010

@SteveCoogan
Why won’t you take this seriously? I’m talking about a crusade for decency, sincerity and truthfulness!
12.04am, July 3, 2010

@PeterStringfellow
@SteveCoogan Mr Coogan, you know we have a ‘no-tweeting’ policy at @Stringfellows
12.16am, July 3, 2010

To be continued….

@OfficialAdele
Popping round to see my ex. I heard he’s married now. It’s out of the blue. He hasn’t invited me.
Hope he sees that for me it isn’t over.
4.44pm, August 19, 2010

Adele has shown that heartbreak can pay. She’s now worth £20m.

@SilvioBerl
#sinceimbeinghonest I’ve had a hair transplant, plastic surgery and I wear built-up heels to make me look taller.
1.12am, October 12, 2010

@SilvioBerl
But, come on, you’d do the same if you were hiring topless young hookers to come to your #bungabunga parties!
1.13am, October 12, 2010

@SilvioBerl
Oh, it turns out I fucked-up our economy, too.
1.17am, October 12, 2010

@AngelaMerkel
@SilvioBerl Zis is disgusting behaviour. You’ve got a veel pvoblem!
4.42pm, September 14, 2010

‘Unfortunately illuminating the strike placards could take a few years.’

@SilvioBerl
@AngelaMerkel Yeah, and you’ve got an
unfuckable
fat arse, love!
4.43pm, September 14, 2010

@AngelaMerkel
@SilvioBerl Ufffffffff!!!!!!
4.44pm, September 14, 2010

Despite being engulfed with political and personal scandal, Silvio Berlusconi served three terms as Prime Minister of Italy.

@Joey7Barton
People think I’m just a thug but I’m actually a philosopher. I want to use Twitter to show how deep I am.
2.11am, October 2, 2010

@Joey7Barton
For instance, as Benjamin Franklin said: anyone who trades liberty for security deserves a slap in the face.
2.14am, October 2, 2010

@Joey7Barton
Then there’s Nietzsche. He said God is dead. And so will you be if you look at me funny, by the way.
2.17am, October 2, 2010

@Joey7Barton
It was Plato that said necessity is the mother of invention. Start on my Mum and I’ll put you in hospital.
4.44am, October 2, 2010

@Joey7Barton
I was reading Freud earlier: ‘If youth knew; if age could.’ Me? I’ll take you all on.
1.11am, October 5, 2010

@Joey7Barton
Lots of disagreement here. Well, even a clock that does not work is right twice a day. Fuck the lot of you.
2.14am, October 5, 2010

Part philosopher, part footballer, part convict, Joey Barton is arguably Twitter’s finest figure.

@KimJongIl
On a train. Soooooo bored. I could die of boredom. Lol, hope this doesn’t turn out to be one of them #famouslasttweets!
3.12pm, December 17, 2011

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il died while sitting on a train near Pyongyang.

@UnitedNations
Tomorrow, the world’s population will reach seven billion. Can we get a RT?
7.52am, October 31, 2011
[Retweeted by @BabyNargis and 6999999999 others]