The Three Sisters (36 page)

“What are you corrupting that kid’s mind for?” asked K who loathed carpenters. “Benny, I hate to ruin the plot for you, but He dies in the end,” warned Coito. “Actually, God’s not a very good writer, or maybe he just had a poor set of editors. They give away the plot from the very beginning, so His death comes as no surprise at all. It’s awfully redundant too. They tell the tale
four times.”

“Just like in
Rashomon
,”
interjected Regina

“I gave him the
New Testament
to start him on the right path for the rest of his life,” Detective Hole
piously intoned.

“If you were going to give him a
New Testament
, the least you could have done is give him a copy of
Jefferson’s Bible.”

“You mean Jefferson wrote both the Declaration of Independence and the Bible?”
asked Benny.

“Well, Jefferson didn’t actually write the Bible,” said Coito. “Like most of our founding fathers, he was a Deist and didn’t believe in miracles, so he went through the New Testament, pulled out his razor, and cut out the parts he didn’t like. Chop, chop, chop. This included all miracles, all mention of the supernatural, the Resurrection, and any portions that inferred Jesus was divine. He also combined the four gospels into a single narrative so people wouldn’t have to waste time reading the same thing over and over again. In
1904
Jefferson’s Bible was rediscovered and the Government printed up thousands of copies so they could give it to every new member of Congress for the next fifty years. Now Benny, who do you trust more, some stuffy English King James or the third President of the United States?”

“The Word of God is pure and complete. It can never be changed,” began the irascant detective. “Christ rose from the dead and ascended into Heaven. He lives today preparing to return
to Earth.”

“So what’s He waiting on? Public transportation?” retorted Coito.

“Don’t listen to
them, Bernard.”

“Actually, Detective Hole, if you read some ancient copies of the book of Mark, it appears that the three Marys just went to the wrong tomb the morning after the crucifixion. One rumor led to another and people thought Jesus had risen from the dead,” explained Theodora. This had been her rationalization of what had happened after Christ’s crucifixion. Theodora’s natural inclination was to seek out a logical explanation rather than reject an idea outright as Coito would
have done.

“But hundreds witnessed the resurrected Christ for weeks after the crucifixion had occurred. He lives today as He lived then,
Miss Suora.”

“You’re wrong again, Schmuck Hole,” countered K. “Jesus had an identical twin who went around saying he was He after He was dead. It was all planned out ahead of time, but of course they didn’t mention this little known fact when they wrote the Gospels. You see, Benny, the publisher didn’t want an unhappy ending, so he added the part about the resurrection on at the end so the Bible would sell better,” explained Coito, the
agonistic agnostic.

“Is that true,
Detective Hole?”

“Of course not, Bernard. Don’t believe anything they say. I don’t see why you wanted to come here in the first place. Their minds are too controlled by cynicism to see the truth about Christianity. You’ve done your apologizing, so I think it’s time
we leave.”

“Benny, just answer me this,” commanded Coito. “Why do you think the Library of Congress, our own government which puts ‘In God We Trust’ on every piece of currency in circulation, lists books about the Bible under the call letters BS? Or take the word ‘defecate.’ Originally it was an adjective used to refer to someone who was spiritually pure,” said Coito, repeating what she had learned from Theodora. “Now look at what
it means.”

“It’s people like you who have caused these degeneracies,” Detective Hole told Coito. “Next thing you know, you’ll say God is
a woman.”

“I would never say that, my dear piece of anorchid ordure,” promised Coito. “Only a man could screw up the universe as well as
God has.”

“This only makes me more certain that all three of you shall burn
in Hell.”

“Not true, everyone knows that government workers go to Hell and everyone else goes to Heaven, which means we three will be in Heaven while you shall burn
in Hell.”

“Is there no semblance of decency left
in you?”

“No,” Coito quickly replied as Detective Hole continued to grow angry. John Hotchkiss had never seen his mentor this mad before. “You know, for a Christian you don’t have much patience, Schmuck Hole,” added Coito, knowing the detective prided himself on
his self-control.

“You three would try the patience
of Job.”

“You know, at the end of Job the Bible says that Job gets everything paid back twofold. I always wondered if that included his kids,” pondered Theodora of
Job’s instauration.

“I feel sorry for his wife if it did,”
added Regina.

“Maybe Job’s daughters helped out,” suggested Coito. “Daughters seem to lend a helping hand everywhere else in the Bible. Look
at Lot.”

“What I have gone through to try and convert you three,” the exasperated detective complained. “How I have patiently put up with your atheistic and cynical comments hoping that the right opportunity would come for your conversion, or that a Christian spirit would win you three back to God before it was too late. But still you obstinately persist in
your atheism.”

“Look, Schmuck-face, do you think that all God cares about is whether you or I believe in Him or not? Do you think that is all the Great Non-Entity worries about? God creates a million universes, a trillion galaxies and a zillion species and all he cares about is whether an amoeba like you will deign to believe in Him? He wouldn’t be that petty. That’s just a bunch of lies the priests and preachers thought up to line their pockets. No, God respects those who put others before themselves, who have a self-deprecating sense of humor, who don’t take themselves seriously, but only take others seriously. Trust me, all the puffed-up Presidents, Prime Ministers, preachers, philosophers, priests and Popes will have a special circle of Dante’s Hell reserved for them. On Judgment Day, God will say did you put others first or yourself first? Did you have a sense of humor about life and the universe or not? Those with a sense of humor who cared about others will end up in Paradise, and the rest in a special circle of Hell, which means we’re certain to be separated from you in the hereafter my
thrasonical theologian.”

Benny had not been listening to Coito’s attacks on Detective Hole and the latter’s rebuke, but instead had been watching Regina who was playing with her toy penguin. She was holding its feet down so the penguin’s body shook back and forth like a punching bag. Watching Regina’s toy, Benny noticed the similarity between the penguin and the specially designed habit Coito was wearing that day to mock Detective Hole and suddenly asked, “If you three aren’t religious anymore, how come you still
wear habits?”

“You’ve been watching too many Hollywood movies, Benny,” Regina advised him. “After all, not every nun is a Debbie Reynolds or a Sally Fields. Come to think of it, every movie I’ve seen portrays nuns as either high-spirited novices or cold-hearted institutionalized Mother Superiors. I guess there’s some truth to that, but actually there’s a tremendous variety in the way nuns act and think. Every nun is different, Benny, so don’t assume that nuns are simplified stereotypes because that’s the way Hollywood portrays them. Nuns are people and people change. We
certainly have.”

“They still wear their habits out of sacrilege,” advised Detective Hole. “I might add that their blasphemies will soon be paid for with their lives.” Detective Hole wanted to get back at Coito for her insults and decided to tell her something which the Crucifixion Committee had yet to reveal.

“I guess I shouldn’t tell you three this, but over the weekend it was decided that the Festivities of December
25
should be shortened. In a real crucifixion, it can take several days for the condemned to expire. Some people thought the crucifixion would be too boring, and the TV networks have a tight schedule to work around, so it was decided to shorten your time up on the crosses. Instead of letting you three linger for days, you will be burned at the stake in an
auto-da- fé
after being left up on the crosses for a few hours. I think they plan to offer you three some sedatives, however, not that that will make much of a difference.” For once the three were quiet. “Your ashes are to be scattered into the Potomac. There are to be no
bodily remains.”

The silence continued until Coito said, “Gee, I always did enjoy getting my ashes hauled,” but no
one laughed.

“Don’t you think you and the government are taking this crucifixion a bit too seriously?” asked Theodora.

“I just hope they don’t commission Mark di Suvero to make our crosses,”
interjected K.

“If you had taken other people’s rights more seriously, you wouldn’t be where you are today,” said
Detective Hole.

“While they’re at it, why don’t they just take us to RFK stadium and throw us to some lions from the National Zoo?”
asked Coito.

“Actually, the idea that Roman emperors threw Christians to the lions is more an invention of Hollywood then a fact of history,” added Theodora, glancing over at Regina. “The Coliseum and other historical sites in Rome were being torn apart for their stones by people trying to build their own homes. In order to stop this, the Pope declared that martyrs’ blood had been spilled in the Coliseum. There are no documents from Roman times to corroborate the Pope’s opinion that Christians were thrown to the lions. It’s just another example of
how Hollywood—”

“Or George Bernard Shaw,”
Regina added.

“—twisted history for the sake of box
office receipts.”

“No matter how you die, your wicked deeds have finally caught up with you three. You should repent of your sins now and convert to Protestantism before it is too late. Your bodies are already forfeited. You’d be foolish to condemn your souls
as well.”

“You know, Schmuck Hole, you’ve reminded me of another theological problem which has bothered me of late, specifically, how does one ensure she isn’t sent to heaven? I mean, Christ in a condom, who in their right minds would want to go to heaven anyway? There’s no male or female there and nothing to play with but our harps.” Coito paused for a second. “You see, the problem is this: does one receive eternal damnation because of the loss of faith or because of wicked deeds? What if you became an atheist, but led a good life, mightn’t God send you to heaven out of spite? Or do all atheists automatically go straight to hell without collecting $
200
no matter how good they are? It’s really quite confusing, but the point is that God forces atheists to do evil so they’ll be sure and not be sent to heaven. Or what if I were one of Calvin’s chosen? No matter what I did or thought, I’d still be stuck in heaven after I died. I’d hate for that to happen and disappoint all
my enemies.”

By now Detective Hole had lost complete control of the verbal intercourse, so he attempted to take hold of the conversation again by introducing one of his less than humorous observations. “You know, I’ve noticed something about
you three.”

“Another triumph for the intellectuals,”
Coito declared.

“You three are creatures
of habit.”

“Everyone is,” said
John Hotchkiss.

“No, it’s a joke,” said Detective Hole, shocked at his conversants’ dull-wittedness. The actual problem was that none of the three sisters shared Detective Hole’s sense
of humor.

“By the way, why did you three come over here anyway? To try and convert us again?” asked Coito of the
cacophrenic Detective.

“Actually, Benny asked me to bring him here, supposedly to apologize to you three, but I told him no one owed you three
any apologies.”

“I figured today would be the only chance I’d ever get to see you, so I made Detective Hole bring me here,” Benny
explained again.

“If Wormwood would leave, we’d let you see even more,” offered Coito, more to antagonize the detective than to
tantalize Benny.

“Really?” cried Benny, his face
lighting up.

“Anything for a friend,”
Regina smiled.

“I can see you three have even sunk to corrupting innocent children, but I will not give you the chance anymore,” Detective Hole told the three sisters. “I’m taking Bernard away
right now.”

“Did we do something wrong?” asked cautelous K naïvely. “Is it what we say, or what
we do?”

“Both.”

“Well in most of our actions, we do try and follow the Bible. For instance, Job
31
:
9
-
10
says that if men go around committing adultery, then it’s perfectly all right for women to commit adultery,”
said Coito.