The Three Sisters (28 page)

Because of the Confessions’ uniqueness and topicality, ABC was able to include a lot of material which normally would not have reached TV screens, adding to the programs’ popularity and controversy. ABC gave several reasons to justify this. First, ABC was acting as a conduit to relay information which they thought was important and newsworthy. Excessive editing would have been tantamount to censorship. Second, the broadcasts occurred at a late hour when young children were supposed to be in bed. Third, anyone who might be offended by the three’s confessions was advised at the beginning of each program that some material might be unsuitable for children (“or Fundamentalists,” added Coito).

Despite ABC’s fervent efforts to constantly change the format of the hour-long Confession roundups and weekly reviews, as well as the three’s determined efforts to provide fresh and original material daily, during the week of August
20
, the Confessions’ Nielsen ratings began to fall. Seeing the course of the future, Father Novak pulled the Confessions off the air at the end of the month before the three sisters became overexposed. Otherwise, by the time the trial began, interest in the three might have
vanished completely.

While interest in the Confessions was at its zenith, Father Novak and Victor signed a contract with CBS to produce a miniseries, loosely based upon the confessions of the three, which would be aired in
1980
. As the press was told, the series would cover the three’s lives “from cradle to Catholic School to convent to corruption.” Though it was hinted that the three might collaborate in the scriptwriting for the series, much to Regina’s disappointment, the three were not scheduled to personally appear in
the series.

Critics of America’s newest TV stars were legion. NBC (which had failed to clench a deal with Father Novak) was the most outspoken critic of Virnovak Enterprises, calling the roundups and mini-series morally irresponsible. “All the (other networks) care about are quick-selling popular programs that fulfill the prurient interests of the public. I’m shocked that the other networks would stoop this low.” Predictable complaints could be heard from members of Congress, conservative groups, Catholics, the media, and others, but the reaction of one ABC executive to the myriad of criticisms summed it all up: “They’re just jealous because we got what
they wanted.”

When the Confessions ended on August
29
, Father Novak, Victor Virga, and the three began busying themselves with discussing what could replace the Confessions and how to prepare for the upcoming trial which they planned to exploit to the hilt. TV audiences no longer demanded the perpetual pervulgations of the three Thersitical sisters, but unless Virnovak Enterprises discovered a new way of selling the three sisters to the public, Father Novak, Victor Virga, and the three sisters, as well as the Catholic Church, would suffer a massive loss in revenues. Perhaps, Father Novak mused, it was time to move on to other areas of business. After all, three atheists alone could not save Christ’s church from bankruptcy, or
could they?

CHAPTER XII

Oh, that my words were
now written,

Oh, that they were printed in
a book.

–
Job
19
:
23

ictor Virga and Father Novak spent the last week of August discussing what new forays into the marketplace they could make in the month before the Trial of the Millennium (“Trial of the Century’s dime a dozen. This is bigger than that!” declared Victor) began. Should they make an assault now or wait until October? Should they attempt a new video program, do extensive advertising, or leave it to the media to remind the public of the upcoming trial? Should they stick to their proven marketing and PR methods, or opt for a new battle plan? Should they continue producing and promoting souvenirs of the three sisters, or begin producing Catholic consumer goods? These and a dozen other questions were bandied back and
forth daily.

Coito, Theodora, and Regina were also asked for their opinions, though more to keep them satisfied that they were not being ignored than to gain valuable advice. Some of the three’s ideas contained profitable possibilities, but most of them failed to consider the hazards of the marketplace. Theodora’s ideas were usually too esoteric to reap large returns and Coito’s ideas, if put into practice, would alienate more people than they would attract. An example of this was Coito’s suggestion for how to use up the month
of September.

“I’ve got an idea that’d attract more publicity than the Pope in Las Vegas—something that’s both traditional enough to please the conservatives and radical enough to rustle the
liberals’ feathers.”

“What’s that, K?”
asked Victor.

“Well, if the Supreme Court of the United States can try us, why not have the Supreme Church of the Universe try us for heresy? What this nation needs is a good old-fashioned heresy trial. It’ll set everyone to talking and cause loads of controversy and debate. Take us over to RFK stadium, have the trial there, and you can make a mint off
the tickets.”

“Coito,” Father Novak objected. “The Church does not conduct heresy trials anymore. This is the
twentieth century.”

“So? No one expects the Church to be modern, and besides, it’s a great idea. We’ll be carrying on a great American tradition, the Salem witch trials and all th…” Coito stopped herself realizing she was using Victor’s cliché. “I mean, that’s what’s made twentieth-century America so boring. They only have political trials, Sacco and Vanzetti, the Rosenbergs, but not any religious trials anymore. So let’s show America what it’s
been missing!”

“Ms. Gott,” said Father Novak. “There will be no heresy trial. First, you only want to have the trial to satisfy your ego and justify your cynical view of the Catholic Church. Second, such a blatant attempt to gain publicity set between the Confessions and the trial not only would overexpose you before the public, but might backfire. The public might get tired of you three, or rebel because you were being forced upon them so often. Third, even if the trial were a financially sound idea, and even if the Church were foolish enough to think such a trial would cause more good than ill, the Catholic bureaucracy is too sluggish. I doubt a trial could begin before
1985
. I’m sorry, K, but you’ll never get the Church to officially designate you
a heretic.”

“I still think it’s a good idea,” said Coito,
half pouting.

By the first week of September, Father Novak and Victor had reached a consensus on promoting the three sisters. Victor had hired several of his friends from Hollywood to help in preparing the campaign. They had already decided upon a commercial blitz to feed Americans’ oniomanic passions and ensure that Virnovak Enterprises’s three sisters souvenirs sold swiftly, but the timing of their campaign had to be perfect. During the first two-thirds of September, they would forgo advertisements while building up their inventory of three sisters and other religious souvenirs. On September
24
, the Monday before the trial was to begin, they would start advertising, slowly increasing the number of advertisements for their souvenirs until the end of the first week in October. Then they would besiege the public with reminders about the trial and the products related to it. By the time the trial was over with, no one would have escaped Virnovak Enterprises’s
advertising blitz.

Despite this desire for temporary oblivion, the three sisters did not achieve the obscurity Father Novak had planned for them. The Confessions had stirred up the righteous indignation of conservatives and the devoutly religious, who looked upon K & Co. as the nemeses of society, not as a product to profit from. Conservative Christian thought had been on the rise in America for several years, but the movement had found no new culpable victims who exemplified the evils it had warned others about, at least until the three sisters
came along.

“What do you mean they’re attacking us?” asked Theodora suspiciously. Since the confessions had ended two weeks before, being confined to the cell, Theodora had turned in upon herself. Though Victor had tried to keep her busy with future projects, and though her production of
All’s Well that Ends Well
had just opened, Theodora spent much of her time brooding over the upcoming trial and her future, neither of which inspired optimism. Deep thinking, when not tempered by the opinions of others, often leads to paranoia, and Victor’s news only confirmed Thea’s pessimism about her chances of acquittal
or probation.

“Well, I guess we misjudged how the public would react,” admitted Father Novak. “We thought the Confessions would simply be a means of taking advantage of your enforced enclosure in jail, and it was, but we underestimated the adverse reaction the Confessions would generate among conservatives and the Evangelicals. Unfortunately, you are getting a lot of bad
pre-trial publicity.”

“So how does that change things?”
asked Coito.

“Well, for one thing it’s changed how we’re going to defend you three. If we took the offensive now, it would probably hurt your chances of being found innocent. The new strategy will be to pass your actions off as just
youthful antics.”

“Well, that’s the way things were, wasn’t it? You know how things happened, Victor. We just kind of stumbled
into everything.”

“Sure, Thea, I know that. But they don’t. Problem’s your image. Public doesn’t exactly picture you three as the girls next door. What with the Washington Monument orgy, all your wild tales, conservative and religious types making you three out as Antichrists. See you three as symptom of all that’s wrong
with America.”

“Is this some new publicity plot of yours, Victor?” Coito
demanded disapprovingly.

“No, swear it isn’t. Conservatives and Evangelicals hate you of their own free will. Didn’t influence them
at all.”

“Come on, Victor,” said K. “This is ridiculous. It’s not like we committed a major crime. You yourself said before the Washington Monument you could’ve fixed everything up down in Tennessee. So what’s the
big deal?”

“Before the Washington Monument, Confessions, maybe could’ve. Now no way. If you break the law or use influence, gotta do it on the sly. People don’t object to dishonesty if they’re the ones getting away with it. But too many people know about you three. Tried something now, half the country’d be at
our throats.”

“What Victor is trying to say is that the case is too big now to be brushed aside like it could have been back in May,” instructed Father Novak. “If Victor had gotten you three off the hook back then, who would’ve been the wiser? If you remember, even after your arrests, the public forgot about you, but since the trial was announced, the Confessions began, and all your wicked sins were revealed, many of which I know you made up, all those evangelicals and conservatives have been using you three as whipping boys, girls rather, to further their own careers and opinions. Of course, when their supporters cheer them on, they become even more vociferous and harsher in their statements against you three. It’s like a vicious circle. Some have been demanding all sorts of punishments from the Supreme Court against you three,
such as…”

“But the trial hasn’t even begun yet,”
objected Theodora.

“Doesn’t make any difference. Detective Hole, to mention but one, has been making a fortune appearing at various churches and on TV and radio promoting his case against you three. The amazing thing is, he’s the most boring speaker since Calvin Coolidge. He has a deadly monotone and he tells the stupidest religious riddles in the world, but the public
likes him.”

“There’s no explaining tastes,” interjected K. “I think Detective Hole is one of the few people I loathe even more than Anita Bryant. The public liked my jokes,” said Coito proudly. “And judging from the jokes Schmuck Hole’s told around here, I bet you I’d be ten times more popular than
he is.”

“Not so, K. Problem is, your jokes too offensive. Insulted more people than you pleased. Gotta realize that. Nothing wrong with being cynical, unless you act like you really mean it. Take Don Rickles, great comedian. Insults people all the time, never offends anyone though. Reason he’s a success. He’s cute, audience knows he’s joking. Or what’s that movie?
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying
? Thing so innocuous no executive’d be offended. No wonder it was a success. If you are incisive, just attack certain groups, certain people, leaves majority of your audience happy. Gotta play by the rules. Your problem, K, you attack everyone and mean what you say. People don’t
like that.”

“Damn straight I mean it,” swore K, uncompromising and irascant. “So I take it you think my confessions were
a failure?”

“Certainly not. Got lots of publicity. Took in millions. Investing it back into new products related to you three and Catholicism. Be marketing them
in October.”

“Then from this capital, we’ll invest it in other areas of production until I, that is the Church, finally begins making the Catholic consumer goods it has to produce to improve the Church’s
financial situation.”

“So what’s the problem?”
Theodora asked.

“No problem. Nothing wrong with others making a profit too. Just not in ways we expected. Protestant ministers whip up congregations against you three. Conservatives point to you as public menaces. Churches get contributions. PACs get money. ACLU gets money. We get publicity. But groups also influence public opinion. May affect your sentencing if found guilty. First noticed all this back in mid-August. Too late to change Confessions then. Didn’t think it’d get out of hand like it
has, either.”

“So what do
they want?”

“Some have weird demands. Want to exile you three. Others want life sentences. Not too bright, actually. Ought to know better than to ask for more than they
can get.”

“This is getting absurd,” objected Theodora. “OK, so we broke the law. If we’re found guilty, we may go to prison, but my God, it’s not as if we
killed somebody.”

“I know, Theodora, but homicides are so common nowadays, no one pays attention to them. The problem is not the crimes themselves, but the nature of your crimes. Some people did not find the idea of an orgy at the Washington Monument
very patriotic.”

“No sense of humor,” quipped K. “Speaking of which, Jay, I still think you should use my idea of a shaving cream commercial with Jesus shaving his beard. I’m offering you some great stuff for free.”

“Then add K’s cynicism, Theodora’s Ivy league, liberal background, or Regina’s stay in Central America,” continued Father Novak, “where she no doubt cooperated with
some leftists.”

“That was
years ago.”

“Doesn’t matter, Regina. Just for having been there, you’re tainted. Facts
are meaningless.”

“But who cares about the conservatives and evangelicals?” asked contemptuous K. “They’re not going to be judging us, the Supreme
Court is.”

“Never think the Supreme Court is apolitical, K. Public opinion affects the Justices’ decision and sentencing.
700
Club
has group of people praying for you three twenty-four hours a day. Want you to accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. John
3
:
16
and all
that. ”