The Surrogate (23 page)

“
Shhhh, Jaime. Let me do this. You want me to do this, right?”

This...? But as Nikolas sank to his knees, Jaime clutched at his shoulders. Surely he wasn’t... he shouldn’t do this...Jaime shouldn’t let him do
this
....

But all he could do was keep clutching at Nikolas’ shoulders, trembling uncontrollably as his trousers were carefully unlaced, and his erection freed. He almost cried out as a warm, wet tongue licked him with exquisite gentleness...no one had done this for so long...no one but Nikolas....

He stopped thinking and just let himself feel, losing himself in the skill and tenderness of Nikolas’ lips and tongue, the hands which stroked him into calmness. Not a movement that was the least rough, not a touch that was the least painful. Just pure, unadulterated pleasure, pleasure of a kind that he had forgotten he could experience.

He would have fallen when he came, if it weren’t for Nikolas’ careful, steadying hands, and only his own hand stuffed into his mouth muffled the cry of anguish and release. His face was wet—when had he begun to weep?

He was helpless as Nikolas carefully tucked him in and laced his trousers back up, then rose, graceful and no longer unsteady, to face him. “Don’t cry, Jaime,” he said quietly, laying his face against Jaime’s. “It’s all right.”

“
It’s not, it never will be,” he whispered, and he wasn’t sure if Nikolas even heard him. It didn’t matter. He had committed the ultimate sin, the ultimate betrayal, and all he could think about was how good he felt and how much he wanted to do this again.

Nikolas was soothing him again, and stroking his face, his hair, murmuring quiet words of praise and...of love. Words of tenderness he never shared with Seve any more, just as they never made love this way any more either.

Jaime raised his hand to return the caress. “I miss you.” His fingers stilled, resting against the smooth skin of Nikolas cheek. “We can’t do this again, Nikolas.”

“
I know. I’m sorry.”

“
Not your fault.”

Nikolas started to pull away, but Jaime, suddenly afraid to see him go, clutched at him. “No—stay.”

“
Jaime....”

“
Just to talk...please. Nikolas, I need you....”

“
Then I’ll stay.”

Jaime was shaken by how relieved he was by that. This was madness. It was also, he became aware, incredibly sordid, standing in this alley that smelled of piss and old beer. “We need a room.”

Nikolas just took his hand. “Come, I have a place.”

Jaime let himself be led back into the inn, and after a quick exchange and a good bit of teasing from Masha, Nikolas took them up two flights of stairs to a small, rather dingy room that just had a bed, a table with ewer and basin, and a chair. “What is this?”

“
My bolt hole. “ Nikolas put the lamp on the table, sat on the bed and looked up at Jaime. “We don’t have to....”

Jaime sat down beside him, and put his arm around his friend. “I want to,” he said firmly, trying to draw Nikolas down.

Nikolas resisted. “Why, Jaime? What’s wrong?” He unwound Jaime’s arm and instead took Jaime’s hand in his. “Where’s Seve?”

Even though Nikolas’ voice still slurred a little, there was nothing wrong with his perceptions. “I can’t...please, Nikolas, just this one night...I need to...can you hold me? Like you did...in the temple...I miss that so much.”

“
Of course.” He put his arm around Jaime and then kissed his forehead. “Whatever you want, Jai.”

“
Don’t call me that,” Jaime whispered against Nikolas’ soft, warm skin. “I don’t want to pretend, Nikolas. I want to know it’s you.”

“
If that’s what you want. Lie down, Jaime.”

The bed was narrow and hard, and smelled as if the blankets were old and none too clean, but Jaime didn’t care. All that mattered was being held this way, being touched with so much love and gentleness. He could hardly breathe for the pain of longing in his heart, longing for Seve, longing for Nikolas, knowing that he might be on the path to losing both. “I don’t know what to do any more, Nikolas. I’m so tired.”

Nikolas kissed his forehead and stroked his hand comfortingly down Jaime’s back. “Then rest, Jaime. You don’t need to do anything but let me hold you.”

Jaime closed his eyes, wishing all the problems besetting him could be solved in this simple way. All he was doing was delaying the time when he had to face Seve again, but he needed this. His soul was dead, his heart hungry for what Seve could no longer find in himself to give him. He was using Nikolas as a surrogate again, and he hated that, but he wasn’t strong enough to resist this temptation.

“
Will you hate me for this?” he asked, as Nikolas began to undress him, pulling his boots off and unlacing his trousers again, while still keeping a hold on him.

“
I couldn’t hate you, Jaime. Come on, get under the covers.”

He let himself be manoeuvred, though he cared little about the comfort if Nikolas would just keep touching him. At last all was arranged to Nikolas’ satisfaction, and he leaned over and blew out the light. Jaime nestled against him just as he had become used to doing in those last two months at the temple—it seemed so right, so familiar, but the uncomfortable knowledge that this was deeply wrong meant he couldn’t let himself enjoy the comfort that Nikolas gave him, wanted to give him. “I don’t know what to do,” he muttered.

“
Then do nothing until you do,” Nikolas said in his reasonable way. “Sleep, Jaime.”

“
In the morning? Will you rush away?”

“
I’ll never go if you need me. In the morning, we’ll talk. Sleep now,” he said quietly, kissing Jaime’s cheek. “Sleep.”

As if his words had some hypnotic power, Jaime felt himself drift away, safe and comforted as he had not felt in months....

~~~~~~~~

He had become so used to broken nights that he was thoroughly shocked to see bright sunlight coming through the small window. He sat up with a jerk, at first unable to recall where he was—a glance sideways reminded him. Oh...gods. Nikolas was awake, watching him with a wary expression.

“
What have I done?” he asked with a groan.

“
You? Nothing, Jaime.”

“
I have to leave. I’m so sorry, Nikolas.”

He tried to get up, but he was gently but firmly restrained by a hand on his arm. “Wait, Jaime. You said you didn’t want me to rush away this morning...and I said we’d talk. Tell me what’s wrong. Why wasn’t Seve with you last night?”

Jaime closed his eyes and shook his head. “It’s all wrong, Nikolas. Everything. Seve...Seve and I....”

Nikolas drew him down again and held him in the undemanding way that Jaime had missed so much. “I thought things would be better once you were free.”

“
So did I,” Jaime said bitterly. “But they’re not. At least before, things could only improve. Now, everything I do makes the situation worse.” Nikolas waited for him to continue. “Seve...won’t touch me...like this. Won’t...let me touch him. He says...everything reminds him of Minas. And he...sometimes he reminds me of them too.” He hung his head. “We fight all the time. It’s like...we’ve forgotten how to love each other.”

Nikolas stroked his arm. “I doubt that’s true,” he said quietly. “Can I help? Would anything help?”

“
This.... Except it doesn’t because it’s wrong and it should be Seve holding me.” Nikolas’ mouth tightened. “I’m so sorry, Nikolas, I didn’t mean....” He groaned again. “Gods, everything I do, everything I say, hurts someone now.”

“
Hush, you didn’t hurt me. I just wish I had the answer. You can’t give up, Jaime. You fought too hard and too long for that.”

“
I know, I know...but Seve.... Nikolas, he’s so unhappy and I can’t help him. I don’t mind for myself, but seeing him in pain, and not being able to help.... I may as well be back in the temple for all the good I’m doing him. We may as well both be.”

“
Jaime, you have choices and freedom now you’ve never had before. Of course it will be hard for a while, but you need to talk to him. Be with him.”

“
I just get so tired, Nikolas. Last night...I haven’t slept so well in months. Maybe, if you and I...?”

But Nikolas was already shaking his head with a sad smile. “No, Jaime. I love you, you know that. I would do anything for you, die for you—but I won’t be your surrogate again. Not like this. It’s cruel to you and it’s cruel to him.”

“
I know. I just wish....” But what did he wish? For things that could just never be, he knew that. “I should go.”

“
Yes, you probably should. I’ll always be here if you want to talk, you know that. If I can do anything, I will.”

“
I know you would. You already have.” He picked up one of Nikolas’ abused hands and kissed it. “I’m sorry not to have come to you before...I just....”

“
Had something much more pressing to deal with. I know, don’t upset yourself. I’m fine, and I’ll be right here.”

Jaime looked around at the tiny room. “You said this was your bolt hole—from what?”

Nikolas sat up and rubbed his hand across his short curly hair, giving Jaime a grin. “Oh, from Father, my brothers—people. He doesn’t like...well, he doesn’t approve of some of the things I do.” Jaime had a sudden idea what those things might be. “I help out in the bar and the kitchen, do repairs and stuff and they let me use this. They’re nice people, they don’t demand things.”

Jaime wondered how he could bear to sleep in this room—it was far more cramped than his temple cell had been—but then Nikolas probably never slept in here alone and so didn’t really mind. “I need to get to work.”

“
Are you teaching?”

“
Today and tomorrow. Five days a week until the summer. It’s enough—there’s so much preparation I have to do, and Seve....” He bit his lip. It was a dangerous habit to get into, criticising his lover to another man.

“
Seve’s in a lot of pain,” Nikolas said. “I feel so sorry for him.”

Jaime nearly said not to bother since Seve was feeling more than sorry enough for himself, but that was unkind so he didn’t. “Can I visit again? Not for...you know—but to talk?”

“
Of course. I miss you. Both of you.”

“
Even after that argument?”

Nikolas dismissed his words with a wave of his hand. “Oh that...we were both on edge. I’d forgotten about it.”

Not entirely the truth, Jaime suspected, but he was willing to accept the graceful lie. “I promise to come see you again. Maybe next week?”

“
Whenever you want, Jaime. I have no pressing claims on me now. I’m free as a bird.”

Nikolas was smiling and his tone was mild, so why did Jaime sense bitterness in his words? “Are you really all right, Nikolas?”

“
Me? I’m wonderful. I’ve got coin saved, a job, somewhere to live, plenty of pretty companions when I want them.” He leered, an expression Jaime very much disliked to see on Nikolas’ handsome face. “Life is good.”

Jaime frowned. Something still felt off, but he knew so little of what Nikolas really wanted from life—they’d never talked about it. Everything had been about getting out of the temple, and for him to go back to Jendon. But it was obvious Nikolas didn’t want to tell him if something really was wrong, and on the face of it, things were as good as he claimed.

He got up and found his trousers and boots, then leaned down to kiss Nikolas’ cheek. “Thank you...for being so kind.”

“
It’s only what you deserve, Jaime. You deserve so many good things. You both do.”

Jaime wasn’t at all sure about that either. “Is it locked up downstairs?”

“
Yes, I’ll let you out.”

They walked downstairs in silence, and Nikolas unlocked the side door for Jaime. “See you around, then.”

“
Nikolas...if you needed
me
, you’d ask?”

“
I’m fine, Jaime. Go on to the academy.” He squeezed Jaime’s hand. “Go on.”

Wishing he could bring himself to offer a gesture that would show Nikolas the depth of his affection, Jaime could only smile a little, then go, knowing he’d missed something important. Not that this was an unfamiliar sensation these days, he thought, sighing.

~~~~~~~~

Seve had waited for Jaime to leave the house before he crept back in, ashamed, cold and tired from his night hiding in the stables at the farm. He always felt such a fool when he let his emotions get the better of him like that, but he seemed so unable to control himself. It hadn’t been an issue when everyone
else
was controlling him, he thought bitterly. It had only been once he was supposedly free to do as he wished, that he’d discovered that he was nothing of the kind. He was worse than the beasts he’d shared the night with, he thought—at least they had an excuse to be so unreasoning and driven by nothing but raw feeling.