The Surrogate (22 page)

Jaime had started to go after him, then stopped, feeling helpless and bewildered. “What do I say now? Why is he upset? Isn’t this what he wanted?”

“
Is it what
you
wanted?” Nikolas had asked.

“
I....” He’d stopped and clenched his fists, thinking of Minas writhing in agony under his well-deserved tortures, and getting nothing like the satisfaction from the idea that he thought he would do. “Not
enough
,” he’d spat. “Never enough.”

“
Now you know why he’s upset,” Nikolas had said. “Jaime, he needs you.”

And so he had, but he had needed so much more than Jaime could give him, and Jaime had no other solution to offer than to leave Gidin, to leave their nightmares behind. Seve had seized on the chance eagerly, despite Jaime’s sense of guilt at abandoning Nikolas when he still needed so much care. But Nikolas himself had sent them away with his blessing, brushing aside Jaime’s apologies. “You need this,” he’d said gently, staring up at Jaime with kind, pain-filled eyes. “Take him and heal. I’ll see you up there in a month or so myself. We’ll be free soon enough, Jaime.”

He’d really had no choice, in the end. Seve was going to go mad with distress if they couldn’t free themselves from the palace and Egin and all that city had done to them. Jaime had felt a little vindicated, at least at first, as they’d settled into the old house with its enormous but neglected garden, bought with some of their compensation from the temple, and Jaime had begun his work as a teacher. Seve had thrown himself into clearing and replanting the garden, and for a little while, had almost seemed content.

For his part, Jaime found his new employment suited him very well, somewhat to his surprise, since he’d never taught, and hadn’t ever had the luxury of being able to mix freely with other scholars, or even, really, people not associated with the temple. At first, he found it very stressful, and almost wished for his days of solitude, but slowly his confidence grew, and his fear of his past tainting his present began to disappear. Ironically, now he looked back on it, it was as his own position was becoming more settled and he felt happier, that Seve had begun to fall apart again.

He felt so tired and worn out. The hope, the desperation that had kept him going for four lonely years had gone, and all that was left was a numbness, and a growing anger at fate which seemed determined to snatch their victory away from them. If he’d known this would be what freedom meant, he’d have cut his throat the very month that he and Seve had been taken to the temple in Egin. It seemed Minas still had a grip on them, his dead hand strangling their happiness as surely as he had been strangled for his crimes.

He sat up as late as he could, but then realised Seve must have found a place for the night. He’d done it before—he’d always refused to say where. Jaime suspected he holed up in a barn or in a storeroom, possibly up at the farm. It worried him, but there was nothing he could do. If he tried to prevent Seve leaving, he would just drive him away. And even if he found him, he couldn’t find the words to comfort him. He’d tried and failed. He had no more words, and no more comfort. He was drained dry, and didn’t know how to replenish his reserves.

Seve was still gone when he woke. Jaime left a note, begging Seve not to leave again, and promising to talk when he got back that evening, but he had no way of knowing if Seve would pay the least attention to his plea. He never knew how Seve would react these days.

His students seemed more than usually dull and stolid this day, and it seemed almost too much effort to try and get them to understand the simple facts he was trying to impart. He feared it was his own lack of skill as a teacher, and wondered how long it would be before his act was discovered. He was only an ex-whore, just as Seve said they were. He had a little knowledge but no training. Surely these young minds deserved better than him.

Depressed, and in need of a wiser head than his own, he decided to visit Nikolas before he went back home. At least he could put that small bit of injustice right. Surely enough time had passed that Nikolas could not be angry any more about the argument he and Seve had had in his father’s shop—Nikolas didn’t hold grudges, and Seve had so been obviously anxious and not himself that day.

But as he got closer to the locksmith’s shop, Jaime’s confidence fell. It had been a
very
unpleasant argument, and in front of Nikolas’ father too. Not exactly the way Nikolas would have wanted to introduce his friends to his family, nor what Jaime would have chosen either. It was as much Jaime’s embarrassment as Seve’s hostility which had kept Jaime away from this quarter all these weeks.

It was dark when he got to the street, and he wasn’t too surprised to find the shop itself was also in darkness, though there were lights in the rooms above it. He knocked hard on the door, and had to wait for several minutes while he heard someone thudding heavily down the stairs, then noisily undoing locks on the hatch. A grizzled, bearded man glared at him through the grille. “Yes? What do you want?”

“
It’s Jaime, sir. Nikolas’ friend. Is he here?”

“
No. Out. Try the Inn of the Six Winds.”

“
Thank....”

The door suddenly opened, revealing the imposing figure of Nikolas’ father. “What do you want with him?”

Jaime’s gut went cold in instinctive reaction to the aggression and he had to swallow a couple of times before he could answer calmly, “Just to talk. I haven’t seen him....”

“
No, you haven’t, have you,” the man said heavily. “Some friend, after all he’s done for the pair of you.”

“
Yes, I know, sir. I’m aware of my fault. I just wanted to see him, make amends.”

The man grunted. “Maybe. Hurt him and I’ll come after you myself.”

“
Yes, I understand.”

The man harrumphed and slammed the door before Jaime could ask directions to the inn. It was obvious that Nikolas’ father, at least, had not forgiven Jaime and Seve for the scene in the shop.

All he could do was go to the first inn he came to and ask for the way to
The Six Winds
, which, as it turned out, he had passed without realising it. It wasn’t a prosperous looking place—not one Jaime would have ever chosen to frequent, even if he was given to going to inns, which he wasn’t. Unlike other inns in the street, this one was shabby, its weather-boarded exterior badly in need of a coat of paint, and its sign hanging from rusty chains creaking miserably in the evening breeze.

Shabby or not, inside, it was crowded, the air thick with the scent of beer, food, and jeiwe weed, the local narcotic which people either smoked or chewed. Jaime had tried it once and found it revolting. Seve was horrified at him having done so, memories of being drugged by Minas all too sharp, and even if Jaime had been tempted to repeat the experiment, he wouldn’t have done so just to avoid upsetting his lover.

But other people didn’t have such inhibitions, and Jaime suspected the slightly vacant smiles on the faces of several patrons were down to a combination of alcohol and the weed. He searched impatiently for Nikolas, but he couldn’t see him.

“
Would you like a beer, my lovely?”

He turned, and found a smiling barmaid, dark-haired, dark-eyed, waiting expectantly. “Ah—yes, a mug, if you please.”

“
You take a seat and I’ll bring it to you. Wanting your supper too, were you?”

“
No, thank you. Just the beer.”

She gave him another bright smile, and he found a seat at a small and sticky table close to the wall. He couldn’t understand the appeal of such places at all—the press of other people was unpleasant, and he could never get over his irrational sense of vulnerability in crowds. The feeling that somehow the temple would rise from the ashes and drag him back to Egin sometimes drove him out of bed at night in a panic, and he had to sit in the kitchen, catching his breath and calming down, until he could go back to sleep again. Places like this woke those fears quite sharply.

He forced himself to stay calm. He was quite safe, he knew that in his rational mind. The people around him weren’t looking at him or the least interested in him, for all that he was the only Gidinian that he could see in the room. He was just another face in the crowd, and of no importance.

As the barmaid brought his beer and he handed over the coin to pay for it, he asked if she knew Nikolas the locksmith. She gave him another smile, one which spoke of fondness and intimacy. “Oh,
everyone
knows Nikolas,” she said with a wink. “He’s over there, with Syere, cheeky slut that she is.”

She pointed, and now Jaime could see Nikolas in a far corner, a buxom young woman on his knee who was laughing heartily at something or other. Nikolas was grinning and seemed to be about to bury his face in the woman’s ample bosom. Jaime looked away hastily. “Uh, thank you.”

“
Anytime, my lovely. You want another mug of beer, you ask for Masha.”

Jaime just nodded, wanting her to go away, which she did. He risked another look over at Nikolas—at least he was now leaning back, but the woman he was with was clinging to him and seemed to be licking his neck, to Nikolas’ apparent amusement.

Jaime took a slurp of his beer and tried to force down the sudden hot rush of confusing emotions. Nikolas could kiss whoever he pleased. It wasn’t like Jaime had any claim on him, or wanted one. Only....

Only, Nikolas had said he loved
him
. So why was he letting this slut behave in this wanton way?

He gulped down more beer, disgusted at his own reaction, and the possessiveness which ignored the very large and undeniable fact that Jaime belonged to
Seve
and Nikolas was not the man Jaime was in love with.

He wished that slut would stop licking Nikolas’ neck. He wished even more that Nikolas....

He slammed the mug down.
Stop it,
he told himself. But he couldn’t stop his body’s reactions, or his memories....

This was no good. Nikolas deserved better. Seve deserved better. He would come and visit Nikolas during the day when he was less prone to such feelings.

But luck wasn’t with him, since his standing up caught Nikolas’ eye and he waved cheerfully. The woman was pushed off his lap with a smile and a quick kiss, which made her pout, then Nikolas rose and made his unsteady way over to Jaime. “Hello! Long time....”

“
Not here,” Jaime snapped, heat flooding his body again, though he couldn’t have said why.

“
All right,” Nikolas said mildly, apparently unsurprised by his harsh response. He followed Jaime outside without a single question.

Jaime had had so many things he’d wanted to say to his friend, so much he wanted to ask. So why, when they got out into the dark alley, did he push Nikolas against the wall and demand to know what he was doing with that woman?

“
Syere? She’s just...company.”

“
She’s not worthy of you,” Jaime snapped, uncomfortably aware of Nikolas’ lean body against his own, the warm, beer-scented breath in his face...the way his generous lips curved in a gentle smile....

“
You sure?” Nikolas said quietly. “Are you angry, Jaime?”

“
Yes,” Jaime hissed, though he could have bitten his tongue in half for admitting it.

“
Why?” Nikolas’ hands were resting on Jaime’s hips in a companionable way, almost as if he needed the support. In the light from the inn windows, his eyes were large-pupilled which might have been the dark, or might be something else—there was something about his lazy smile that made Jaime think that beer was not the only thing Nikolas had ingested that night. His grip seemed to burn through Jaime’s clothes, setting him on fire. He needed...oh he needed.

“
Because you’re
mine
,” he growled, crushing Nikolas’ mouth with his own, possessing, demanding, owning....

It was inexcusable, it was wrong, and Nikolas should have pushed him away, but he didn’t. He kissed Jaime back, his hand sliding up behind Jaime and stroking him in a comforting way, which wasn’t what Jaime wanted...deserved, he corrected. He pushed away, and Nikolas let him, as he reached up and touched Jaime’s face.

“
So angry,” Nikolas said, his voice slurred. “Didn’ mean to make you angry.”

“
You should keep away from women like that. If you want to....”

“
Want to...?”

“
Want to...throw yourself at someone....”

“
I should throw myself at you?” Jaime nodded mutely, not wanting to admit his hideous need, his shame, but unable to deny the truth of it. “All right.” Nikolas leaned forward and gave him a gentle kiss. “Turn around, Jaime.”

“
Turn...?” Confused, he couldn’t work out what Nikolas was asking him to do, but all Nikolas wanted was to change places with him, so it was Jaime who was balanced against the wall. “Nikolas?”