The Summer Garden (103 page)

Someone
big
.

She turned around.

Twenty meters away from her at the edge of the clearing stood a large, dark brown bear on his four legs. His head was tilted to her, his small eyes were unblinking, intensely alert.

Tatiana froze. She had never seen a bear. She didn’t know bears lived in these woods. She couldn’t remember if they were carnivores, if they were peaceful, if you needed to make overtures or stand at attention, if you needed to offer them a piece of something, which they would come and eat out of your hand. She didn’t know. She thought any animal that was that wide, that hairy, that four-legged, and that watchful, could not be coming to eat out of her hand. Could a bear outrun her? A bear was not a tiger; could a bear even run? He looked so clumsy and immobile. And he
was
immobile. He was just standing flat-footed on all fours, his small head raised, his small eyes unblinking.

Tatiana smiled. She breathed though her open terrified mouth. Her heart was thundering. The bear breathed too, she could hear him. She didn’t want to do anything to scare him, do anything that might be perceived as threatening. She didn’t want to raise her hands, she didn’t want to step back—or step forward, certainly. She did the only thing she could think of, the only thing she ever did when she didn’t know how to make things better but when she wanted to calm, to comfort, to bring impossible things down to possible. She stood motionlessly and very slowly opened her hands, palms out, as if to say,
it’s all right. Why such a fuss? Shh. Please
.

Bear-baiting.
In Shakespeare somewhere she had read about dogs being loosed on bears, on a stage? In a cage? They were loosed until one or other perished. How many dogs, a pack? How many bears, one? Here, there was one matted brown bear and one matted blonde Tatiana.

She glanced sideways at the trees nearby. They were pines, with no low branches. Did bears scale trees? Why hadn’t she read more about bears? Why did all her reading not once lead her to a bear? The pines were so useless! There wasn’t even one suitable for climbing.

And so they stood in the middle of the woods, just Tatiana and a hairy (carnivorous?) four-legged, flat-footed giant mammal. There was a small startling cluster of sound from behind her, a twig falling under the weight of a bird. The bear seemed to smell her well, because he took a slow step forward. Tatiana took a slow step back. She was between the bear and the trap. Could she long-jump over a three-meter-wide hole in the ground? She didn’t think so. Could the bear? She thought so.

“Easy, bear,” she said softly.

The bear breathed.

“Honey bear.”

Bear calmly breathing.

“Slow bear, hibernating bear, nice bear, turn right around and go away from me and from this hole that’s meant to trap you. You don’t want the trappers to come for you. They’ll kill you for sure. Go. Save your life. Go away from me.”

Slowly the bear moved toward her.

How fast could she run?

…The trappers to come for you…

Something echoed in her head. The trappers might come to check the trap for bear.

Tatiana made a choice. Lowering her palms, she turned away from the animal, held her breath, squatted and jumped down into the bear trap, as if she were hopping down from the cherry tree. It was about the same distance, two meters.

She fell on her side onto the prickly twigs. Falling from her bike while racing was worse. She was still on her side when she looked up to see the shadowy head of the bear leaning over the ditch to look down at her.

“No, no, don’t come in here with me,” said Tatiana. “You will never get out.”

The bear didn’t move.

Tatiana moved. She pushed off her right arm to get up. She pushed off what felt like a round metal plate. There was a releasing
ping
of a tempered steel coil spring and in the next irreversible half-second of
time
, her thought was
trap
, her instinct was
up
, arm flying upward to get away—flying right into the swooshing downward clasping heavy half-moon bracket. There was a savage blow to her forearm, a sickening snap of bone, a sickening shutting snap of a cast iron trap, and then searing, severing pain. One half second of
time.
Her piercing screams carried up to the fast running bear and echoed through the forest until she lost consciousness.

Tatiana didn’t know how long she had been out. When she awoke, the first sound out of her was a prolonged wail. The agony in her arm was not going away. She couldn’t hear the bear’s breathing for her intense, unending crying. Her arm must have been snapped in two by the closing bear trap. Fortunately for her, the trap was big enough for a paw, big enough to incapacitate and hold a large animal two to three meters long with paws alone probably forty centimeters. It was not meant to incapacitate a human female adolescent forearm, twenty-five centimeters from thin wrist to small elbow. Disoriented, swooning, dizzy, moaning from pain, Tatiana pulled her limp swollen forearm out of the trap, and fainted.

When she came to, it was black inside the hole and out. She wasn’t even sure she awoke. She was under a nightmarish haze of pain and had been dreaming of dull knives slicing into her arms, slowly carving her body to pieces, and she felt every nerve being severed, every blood vessel, every bone. Who was wielding that dull knife?

Awake, Tatiana realized the dream wasn’t a dream at al. She had been and was still in the black with the knives. Her eyes were open—rather, she
thought
her eyes were open—pain shredded her from her fingertips to her shoulder blades, shot into the jaw, into the throbbing eye, into her skull, and the blood pulsed under the cutting blade. She couldn’t even touch the sleeve over her forearm. She could not make a fist with her hand, could not lift her arm, could not bend it, could not move it. Tatiana had not had anything broken before, but she was certain nothing could hurt this much and not be badly broken. In the dark, she felt for blood, for bones. Tatiana licked her lips. She was thirsty. She wished she could see something, a moon, a star, the tips of the trees, even the bear’s gleaming eyes would have been better than the void of nothing.

Slowly she opened her parched mouth as she sat pressed against the earth, and her dry throat moved to mutely form the words she once could speak so well, words that Osip Mandelstam, the man who no longer existed, wrote. “
You took away all the oceans and all the room. You gave me my shoe-size in earth with bars around it. Where did it get you? Nowhere. You left me my lips, and they shape words, even in silence.”

Here are my words in silence. Dear God. I don’t want to die alone in the woods, in the earth, like I’m already in the grave. Soon the leaves and the twigs and autumn will fall over me, soon the hunter will come and move his trap elsewhere, and throw fresh dirt on me, and I will be covered, I won’t even have to move.

I don’t want to die, cried Tatiana.

I don’t want to draw my last breath in a hole.

I haven’t lived, she whispered.

I barely even know who I am.

I have been much too young to see La Môle pass my way.

Please…don’t let me die before once letting me feel what it’s like to love.

Tatiana in her desperation clawed at the ditch, in the dark.

Oh God. I’ll do anything. I’ll bear anything. Just let me live.

Help me…Dasha, Pasha, Deda, Babushka, please, somebody, somebody help me…Lord of the earth, have mercy on me.

She fell into stuporous semi-consciousness, sitting up, her arm propped on her stomach, her head tilted to the side, the prayer of the heart at her lips, desperately in the deadfall.

Mononegavirales

On the morning of the fourth day in the woods
, Saika and Marina found a narrow stream.

O joy.

Springing into the water, Marina drank. She put her whole face into the water and gulped to bursting. When she looked up, she saw Saika standing watching her with black eyes outlined by black shadows. Her face was in shadow though the air was sunny-bright and warm.

“Saika, look, fresh water. Come on, drink some. You’ll feel better.”

Saika shook her head. She was twitching.

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Nothing.” She rubbed her eyes. “I have a terrible headache.”

“It’s the lack of food and water.”

“Oh, enough already. You’re not my mother.” Saika did not stand still for a moment.

After Marina took her time drinking and washing, the girls started to walk along the stream. Marina felt almost all right. She was not dry, and she was not fed, and she was not warm, and she was not found. But she felt hope walking along a rivulet. Who told her this? All the rivers flowed into the sea? Who said that to her?

What troubled Marina this morning was Saika. The girl was restlessly and slowly walking along the sloping banks, careful not to come too close to the stream. This was not the same Saika who had sat
motionlessly
for hours under boulders while waiting to trick Tatiana.

Out of the corner of her eye, Marina cautiously watched her, hoping whatever was bothering Saika would pass as the morning got warmer, brighter, and brought them closer to the lake.

Perhaps all hope was slightly premature. This was less a stream than a run-off from the rain. It drifted down the slope, but the slope was ending, and the run-off was pooling and puddling and ending, too. And Saika was pooling and puddling, slowing down so much that Marina, who had been wading in the stream holding her shoes had to frequently stop to wait for Saika to catch up.

Saika didn’t catch up. Done with walking, Saika stopped and stood leaning against a tree. Suddenly she sank to the ground, turning from side to side, moving her arms and legs and running her fingers along her ribs, her hips, up to her hair.

Marina climbed up the shallow bank. “What’s the matter?” Despite everything, Marina could not help but ask the question, could not help but feel a jitter of concern.

“I can’t walk. My head feels like it’s about to split apart.”

“The lake shouldn’t be too far. We’ll just keep walking in this direction. Come on. Get up.”

“Okay, let’s go,” Saika said, her voice weak. “Help me up. You lead, find the lake, find our boat. I’ll be right next to you. Give me your hand. Just…don’t leave me, Marina.”

“What are you talking about? Come on already, let’s go.”

“Give me your hand, Marina,” whispered Saika.

Marina stepped closer. “What’s wrong with you?”

Saika screamed. Her body rolled from hip to hip, contorting from joint to joint. Then it stopped. She lay still. Her eyes were open, and she was blinking, swallowing with difficulty. “My throat,” Saika hissed. “It’s gone numb. At first it hurt, then it felt like there was something stuck in it. Now I can’t feel it at all. I can’t swallow. My tongue is numb.” She spoke with difficulty. “My lips are numb. My face is going numb.” Her mouth was spasming.

“Oh, what’s happening?” Marina cried.

Saika was ashen. White foam formed around the edges of her lips. “The cave,” she whispered.

“What cave?” Marina gasped.

“The cave…I must have stayed in it too long…”

“What do you mean?”

“Can’t you see?”

“I can’t see. What’s wrong with you?”

“Mononegavirales,” mouthed Saika, and closed her eyes. “
Vodoboyazn
. Fear of the water. Rabies.”

“
Rabies
?” mouthed Marina in horror.
Now
she stepped away. Staggered away.
Now
she recoiled.

Saika tried to crawl to Marina. “I beg you,” she whispered hoarsely, “don’t leave me. Help me.” She stretched out her hand.

“Saika, oh my God, let’s get you home quick, get you to a doctor, don’t worry.”

Still crawling to Marina on her elbows, dragging her legs behind her, Saika opened her mouth. She looked like she were silently crying. “Oh, Marina. Don’t you know
anything
? Ask Tania about rabies. She’s around here somewhere.”

“
Where
?”

“I don’t know. Close.” Soundlessly she moved her mouth, in laughter? In a cry? In a rasp.

“No! You weren’t bitten. You said so yourself. You didn’t touch a bat, did you? Nothing flew in that cave. It’s something else. A little fever. We just have to get you home. We must go.” But Marina wasn’t coming anywhere near Saika, with a distressed and heavy aching watching the girl on her elbows creeping through the mire of the silt toward her. Marina backed a step away, then another step.

“Come near me, Marina,” Saika said, stretching out her hand. “Come near me. Let me…”

Crying out, Marina tripped over her feet and fell. On her haunches, she tried to move away from Saika. Her legs had gone numb from terror. She couldn’t breathe, she was suffocating.

“I don’t want to be alone,” Saika aspirated. “Come here, Marina. Let me touch you…” She opened her mouth, baring her teeth.

A crazed fear was in Saika’s eyes. White foam and blood were dripping out of her mouth onto the ground. Saika was hissing and slithering closer.

Marina started to scream. And scream and scream.

Bearing Up

When Tatiana opened her eyes, it was morning
, the birds were singing, the sky peeked azure through the tall pines, and the arm was throbbing.

She yelled for help but stopped quickly. She didn’t want to expend her precious energy on useless acts. To get out from the hole was everything. What if the trappers were a week in coming? She couldn’t wait. Once she was out, she would be better off than she had been; the sun was out. The sun gave her hope. Not merely because it was shining, but because with it, she saw all else. Other things became possible. She could make a fire, she could dry, she could get warm. To get out was first. The bear hole had tree roots sticking out from its sides. Tatiana grabbed hold of a root with one hand and pulled herself up by just her left arm. It was agonizing. The important thing was not to jolt her broken arm, because sharp pain would bring her unconsciousness, and she would fall back to the bottom, and who knew, maybe break something else, like her neck. Tatiana rested, her face against the moist dirt. The good arm was getting tired, threaded through the root. Her legs were resting on roots below her. She grabbed another root a little higher up and moved another quarter-meter. Another root, another quarter-meter. She rested again, touching the rock jutting out of the earth that was under her cheek. Then she lifted her face and stared at the rock. Rather, at the moist, glutinous, vascular green substance that covered the rock. Ah, she breathed in happiness. Moss!