the STRUGGLE (37 page)

“Have you eaten supper yet?” Timothy asked.

She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

“Hannah, you need to eat. I’m worried because you’ve lost so much weight, and it’s not good for your health to skip meals like you do.”

“Why’d the Lord bring us here, only to forsake us?” she wailed.

“God hasn’t forsaken us, Hannah. He knows the pain we both feel.” Timothy rested his hands on her trembling shoulders, and for just a minute, Hannah’s pain lessened a bit.

“Why don’t the two of us go for a ride?” he suggested. “It’ll give us a chance to enjoy the cool evening breeze that’s come up, and I think it would be good for you to get out of the house for a while.”

She shrugged his hands away. “I don’t want to go for a ride. I just want to be left alone.”

“Not this time, Hannah. You need me right now, and I…I need you, too.”

Hannah just stared at the table, fighting back tears of frustration.

“Don’t you love me anymore?” he asked, taking a seat beside her.

His question burned deep in her heart, and she shifted in her seat, unsure of how to respond.

He leaned close and moaned as he brushed his lips across her forehead. “I love you, Hannah, and I always will.”

Overcome with emotion, she took a deep breath and forced herself to look at him. His eyes held no sparkle, revealing the depth of his sadness. When he pulled her into his arms, she felt weak, unable to resist.

As Timothy’s lips touched Hannah’s, a niggling little voice in her head said she shouldn’t let this happen, yet her heart said otherwise, and she seemed powerless to stop it.

Finding comfort in her husband’s embrace, Hannah closed her eyes and allowed his kisses to drive all negative, hurtful thoughts from her mind.

When Timothy awoke the following morning, he glanced over at his sleeping wife and smiled. She looked so peaceful with her long hair fanned out on the pillow and her cheeks rosy from a good night’s sleep. He decided not to wake her. After all, he’d been fixing his own breakfast for the last few weeks, so he could do it again this morning.

He grabbed his work clothes, bent to kiss Hannah’s forehead, and slipped quietly out of the room. There was extra pep to his step because, for the first time in weeks, he actually felt hopeful.

As Timothy fixed a pot of coffee in the kitchen, he thought about last night and thanked God that he and Hannah had found comfort in each other’s arms. Timothy was certain her response to him had been the first step in helping them deal with the pain of losing Mindy. He felt hopeful that they could now face the loss of their daughter together and find the strength they both needed to go on.

When Timothy walked out the door to wait for his driver, he leaned against the porch railing. Watching the sunrise, he thought it had never looked more beautiful.

Hannah yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Her brain felt fuzzy—like it was full of thick cobwebs. She must have slept long and hard.

When Hannah sat up in bed and looked around, she felt as if a jolt of electricity had been shot through her. She was in her own bedroom, not Mindy’s!
How in the world did I end up here?

Hannah rubbed her forehead. Then she remembered Timothy’s kisses and words of love. She’d needed his comfort and let her emotions carry her away.

“What was I thinking?” Hannah moaned. She hadn’t forgiven Timothy for causing Mindy’s death and didn’t think she ever could. One night of being held in his arms wouldn’t bring Mindy back to them, and it may have given Timothy false hope.

Hannah pushed the covers aside and crawled out of bed. With tears blinding her vision, she stumbled across the room. She couldn’t stay here anymore. She had to get away.

As Hannah packed her bags in readiness to leave, pain clutched her heart. If they hadn’t moved to Kentucky, none of this would have happened. Mindy would still be with them, and they’d be living happily in Pennsylvania.

After Hannah got dressed, she opened the bedroom door, set her suitcase in the hallway, and headed for Mindy’s room. When she stepped inside, she stared at her daughter’s empty bed. She hadn’t even changed Mindy’s sheets since the tragic day of her death. A deep sense of sadness washed over Hannah as she sat on the bed and buried her face in Mindy’s pillow. She took a deep breath, trying to keep her daughter’s essence within her. But sadly, she was reminded once again that Mindy was never coming back. Hannah wouldn’t see her little girl’s sweet face again—not in this life, anyhow. The only way she could deal with this unrelenting pain was to leave this place, where painful memories plagued her night and day, and return to Pennsylvania. At least there she would have Mom and Dad’s love and support. Yes, that’s what she needed right now.

With one last glance, Hannah spotted Mindy’s favorite doll. She picked it up and carried it, along with her suitcase, down the stairs. Upon entering the kitchen, she found a notepad and pen and quickly scrawled a note for Timothy, which she left on the table.

Hannah pushed the screen door open and stepped onto the porch. A blast of warm, humid air hit her full in the face, yet she still felt chilled. She heard a pathetic
meow
. Looking down, she saw Bobbin lying on his back on the porch, paws in the air. Did the poor cat know she was leaving? Did he even care?

Shoulders slumped and head down, Hannah stepped off the porch and made her way down the lane, where she would stop at the phone shanty to call her driver for a ride to the bus station in Clarksville.

As she ambled slowly past the fence dividing the lane from the pasture, Mindy’s doll slipped from her hand, unnoticed. Squinting against the morning sun, blazing like a fiery furnace, Hannah kept walking and didn’t look back. It was best to leave all the painful memories behind.

When Timothy’s driver dropped him at the end of their lane that evening, Timothy winced with each step he took. He hurt all over—even the soles of his feet. He and Samuel had worked on a three-story house in Hopkinsville today, and he’d been up and down the ladder so many times he’d lost count. It had been easier to work, however, knowing things were better between him and Hannah and that she’d be waiting for him when he got home. He hoped she’d have supper ready and that they could sit outside on the back porch after they ate and visit while they watched the sun go down and listened to the crickets sing their nightly chorus.

As Timothy continued his walk up the lane, he kicked something with the toe of his boot. He looked and was surprised to see Mindy’s doll lying facedown in the dirt.

“Now what’s that doing here?” he murmured. Could Hannah have gone out to get the mail today and taken the doll along? She’d had it with her almost constantly since Mindy died and often rocked the doll as though it were a baby. Hannah had probably dropped it on the way back from the mailbox and just hadn’t noticed.

Timothy picked up the doll and carried it under one arm. When he entered the house, all was quiet, and he didn’t smell any food. It was a disappointment, but he was used to it because Hannah hadn’t done any of the cooking since Mindy died. Timothy stepped into the utility room and put the doll on a shelf then went to the kitchen. Hannah wasn’t there, and he was about to call for her when he spotted a note on the table. He picked it up and read it silently.

Timothy
,

I’m sure you’ll be disappointed when I tell you this, but I can’t stay here any longer. Every time I look at you, I remember that you could have prevented our daughter’s death, and it’s too painful for me to deal with. I’m returning to Pennsylvania to be with Mom and Dad. Please don’t come after me, because I won’t come back to Kentucky, and I can no longer live with you. It’s better this way, for both of us
.

—Hannah

Timothy sank into a chair and groaned. He couldn’t believe it. After last night, he was sure things were better between them. Why had she let him kiss her and then slept in their room if she hadn’t forgiven him for being the cause of Mindy’s death?

He shuddered and swallowed against the sob rising in his throat. He’d not only lost his daughter, but now his wife was gone, too. He didn’t know if he’d ever see Hannah again. She hadn’t even signed the note with love. Should he go after her—insist that she come home? Or would it be better to give her some time and hope she’d come back on her own? After so many weeks of trying to remain strong, Timothy could no longer hold in his grief. He leaned forward and sobbed so hard it almost made him ill. He didn’t care anymore. He was exhausted from trying to be strong for Hannah, and now he had nothing left. How much more could a man take?

C
HAPTER
46

Paradise, Pennsylvania

S
ally had just entered the phone shack to make a call when the telephone rang. She quickly picked up the receiver. “Hello.”

“Sally, is that you?” a male voice asked.

“Yes, it’s me. Who’s this?”

“It…it’s Timothy.”

“Is everything all right? You sound
umgerennt
.“

“I am upset. I came home from work today and found a note from Hannah.” There was a pause. “She said she was leaving me and returning to Pennsylvania.”

Sally drew in a sharp breath. “Hannah’s on her way here?”

“Jah. I’m not sure if she hired a driver or caught a bus.” Another pause. “I thought maybe you would have heard from her.”

“No, but then maybe she didn’t call because she was afraid we would have told her she shouldn’t come.”

“Would you have?”

Sally sank into the folding chair, unsure how to respond. If Hannah had told her that she was coming, it would have been hard to dissuade her. But she was fairly sure if Hannah had talked to Johnny about this, he would have told her to stay put—that her place was in Kentucky with her husband.

“Sally, are you still there?”

“Jah, I’m here.”

“What are you gonna do when Hannah gets there?” Timothy asked.

Sally was glad he hadn’t forced her to answer his previous question. She shifted the phone to her other ear.

“We’ll make her feel welcome, of course.”

Timothy grunted. “Figured as much.”

“Hannah’s obviously in great distress or she wouldn’t have felt the need to leave Kentucky. Seriously, we can hardly ask her to go as soon as she gets here.”

“No, I suppose not, but Hannah’s place is with me.”

“Maybe she needs some time away—time to think and allow her broken heart to heal.”

“You might be right, but I’m hurting, too, and I think I should be the one to help Hannah through her grief.”

“You may not realize this now, but a time of separation might be what you both need.”

“It’s not what I need, Sally. When Hannah gets there, will you please ask her to come home?”

“Pennsylvania has been Hannah’s home since she was a baby.”

“Not anymore,” Timothy said forcefully. “Her home’s here with me!”

“I can’t talk anymore,” Sally said. “I need to fix supper for Johnny. One of us will call and let you know when Hannah arrives so you won’t worry about her. Good-bye, Timothy. Take care.” Sally hung up the phone quickly, before he could respond.