The Strip Club Dating Survival Guide (8 page)

Somebody who comes from a background of scarcity and neglect, and possesses no real marketable skills or education, may feel that they have nothing worthwhile to offer, nothing that makes them unique. Any guy, however, can tell you that a pretty girl gyrating on their lap in a tiny string bikini is pretty damn memorable and worthwhile to pursue.

Becoming a dancer allows a girl to attain a form of significance that can be hard to argue with in the most jaw-dropping fashion. Just step into any strip joint and see if the women there don’t immediately garner your undivided attention.

She is attending college courses not because she has to but because she recognizes that she needs to change in some way. Regardless of how well she performs as a student, the fact that she is getting up in the morning to go attend a lecture after being up all night partying at the club does not indicate that she is some kind of loser failing at her half-ass attempt at scholarship.

Instead, what it actually means is that she has some sort of cognitive awareness of her need for growth and she is willing to make sacrifices for it, even if they are limited in their scope and level of commitment. Pursuing activities outside of the typical club life, such as going to school, interacting with people and concepts outside of her normal comfort zone allows for additional variety in her life, as well.

Our dancer may be acting as the only real breadwinner in her household, perhaps caring for a child and almost certainly providing for the man-child she thinks of as her boyfriend. It isn’t altogether uncommon to find exotic dancers providing for others as well, such as siblings who need a place to stay, aged parents or freeloading friends. This phenomenon is the need for positive contribution directly at work in her life.

While she may be struggling to get the damn bills paid and constantly dodging repo men and debt collectors, she still is acting out on the need to contribute, regardless of her level of success in doing so. The drive for significance is present here too, since being the person who puts food on the table and makes things happen certainly qualifies her role as being one of central importance.

Finally, she often feels isolated and alone. The males in her life have not acted as positive role models, nor have they provided the emotional centering force of comfort and security. The male staff within the club becomes a form of pseudo-family, with the bouncers acting as protective elder brothers, the DJs in the role of favored uncle and the manager holding paternal authority. This working family provides a sense of connection that is difficult to replicate elsewhere (just like inner city kids joining gangs) and may be the glue that actually holds her life together, providing the energy to face another day.

She seems intimately connected to these people because she is and, while this may manifest in some form of romantic or sexual relationship for some, it is not necessarily so in most cases. You might note also that she is more than likely getting a sense of significance from these relationships since she is
genuinely
relevant to the staff members.

Most likely you can already see how something as straightforward as
re-framing
 this dancer’s approach to life can suddenly change who she is to you. Seen through the lens of the basic human needs people become less antagonistic, their motives less murky and suspicious.

Don’t get me wrong, the
Example Dancer Girlfriend
above seems like she might be a lot of work to deal with, especially given that she has a boyfriend tracking her phone GPS, but that doesn’t mean she is some kind of hopeless loser.

Personally, I wouldn’t pursue the hypothetical girl I cited in the example since it would require the investment of too much precious time and effort. That doesn’t make her an evil person though, or a slut, or a loser, or any other derogatory appellation you care to assign her. The point of the preceding exercise was simply to open your eyes to the fact that
exotic dancers are genuinely no different from anyone else.

They go to work, experience issues at home that make demands on their time, carry the same emotional baggage as every other female who has ever lived, worry about the future, stress out over their next birthday, and want to be liked. Just because they are engaged in conversation with you while wearing a sequin-covered gown and eight-inch platform heels changes nothing. The sooner you stop thinking of these girls as objects to be used like tools, pieces of furniture or your new midlife-crisis mobile, the better.

Please don’t misunderstand what is being said here, I’m certainly not suggesting that you sit around psychoanalyzing the dancer sitting across the cheap cocktail table from you in a seedy strip joint. There is no point to that, it’s a waste of your time and, frankly, you’re not qualified to do that anyway.

What I am saying is that being aware of these forces at work within the stripper you have focused on will improve your chances of success dramatically. You will better understand her, and she will feel more comfortable with you. A woman who is secure in the presence of a man becomes open to all sorts of things. And aren’t females who are more open to things simply more fun?

TWO

Preparing

Chapter 5. Sharp Dressed Man

Sixty percent of the time, it works every time.

-
B
ILL
C
LINTON,
O
XFORD EDUCATED
G
OVERNOR OF
A
RKANSAS AND 42ND
P
RESIDENT; REGARDED AS UNTRUSTWORTHY AND MORALLY SUSPECT, WAS THE ONLY PERSON EVER TRIED IN CONGRESS FOR GETTING LAID; REMAINS ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR PRESIDENTS OF ALL TIME.

While I may not know you personally, I would be willing to bet that, at some point in your life, there has been an occasion which required that you pay particular attention to your appearance.

We all have things that force us to start caring about the clothes we’re wearing, like going to church, hiring interviews, funerals, weddings, court appearances, maybe that new
shithole cubicle job
that sucks the life out of you on a daily basis, or whatever. Most of us are accustomed to the idea that there are certain times and places where appropriate dress is desirable,
or even advantageous.

Perhaps you should consider that heading out for a night at a strip club, with the express intent of attracting a future mate, may be one of those times. It does not matter how you personally feel about
churcing up
 your appearance to go hang with a bunch of strippers, because how you feel about it isn’t the point.

Without a doubt, men with enough common sense to pay attention to their own attire, ensuring that their wardrobe can project confidence, affluence, capability and strength will always attract exotic dancers. If you are willing to spend just a little bit of time and money preparing for your visit to the club, you will almost certainly reap the rewards in the form of greater interest and attention from the dancers you are trying to attract. Women generally pay attention to a man’s appearance, using it to gauge his relative social status, habits and
overall suitability as a potential mate.

Since it doesn’t actually take all that much effort to present the proper appearance, this is an area that should always be taken care of prior to meeting up with the girls down at the club. Presenting the proper appearance generally falls into two categories: taking care of personal hygiene issues and ensuring that you always dress for success.

PERSONAL
HYGIENE

So, you are heading into a venue where you intend to socialize with members of the opposite sex who are primarily clothed in bare skin, and yet, you have inexplicably decided to come directly to the club from your day job as a landscaper. Your clothes, work stained and wrinkled from a long day’s labor, smell like sweat, grass and machine oil. In addition, your clothing is probably more conducive to protecting you from the elements and accidental injury than letting a soft, sweet-smelling woman sit comfortably on your lap. Seriously,
what the fuck are you thinking?

This is a quick list of things you should take care of before heading down to the club for an
intimate rendezvous
 with your favorite exotic dancer:

• ^{Shower, use soap and shampoo}
  
• ^{Shave so that she doesn’t have to avoid the stubble on your face}
  
• ^{Put on fresh clothes}
  
• ^{Use deodorant}
  
• ^{Brush your teeth, and tongue}
  
• ^{Floss and use mouthwash}
  
• ^{Lightly apply cologne, avoid using the cheap shit sold in drugstores}
  
• ^{Bring breath mints, not gum}
  
• ^{Ensure that your pockets are as empty as you can make them}
  
• ^{Wear a watch, and leave your cell phone in the car if possible}
  
• ^{Leave overly specific jewelry [like a wedding ring] at home}
  
• ^{Take a moment to make sure your shoes are clean and serviceable}
  

It is essential that you present the safest, most comfortable, most pleasant presence you possibly can pull off. Making sure you are clean, smell enjoyable without coming off like a French whorehouse, and don’t have tons of crap falling out of your pockets is a key part of that. Not having onboard distractions, like a cell phone are another.

After all, are you honestly such a pivotal dude that someone out there is truly going to need to get a hold of you at the club? Why the hell would you want them to anyway? Removing clues to the reality of your shit-life outside of the club fantasy, like a wedding ring or other identifying items, are yet another. Go in clean, in more ways than one, and you will find that you come out the same way.

DRESS
FOR
SUCCESS

There’s no need to go update your tux (
as if you even have one, you fucking barbarians
) in order to walk into your average strip joint, but unless you like hanging out at total dives frequented by gang members and bikers, I would advise you to dress up a little. It’s supposed to be a gentleman’s club, a place where men with means and character can meet women who are seeking the same.

Some casual slacks, a well fitted shirt neatly tucked in, a decent belt properly worn, matching socks that cost more than $8 for a 6-pack (
and aren’t white
) and real shoes, in good condition, and with a bit of shine on them will do wonders for your appearance.

Note that when I say, shirt I am referring to an actual shirt, one of those things that usually button up the front, have cuffs, and may be worn with a tie. There are many variations on the basic shirt concept, often worn without a tie, that convey the correct image anyway, such as the iconic Indiana Jones
adventure style
, or modern
safari style
. Polo shirts also qualify, if you’re into golf or, you know….polo (ah, but who truly has time for polo these days, know what I mean?)

T-shirts, however, do not qualify. T-shirts, properly speaking, are underwear. As in they are meant to be worn under an actual shirt. I don’t care how incredible the trendy “all-over” tribal design is or how much it cost you to purchase from Ed Hardy or the Affliction store, a t-shirt is fucking underwear, and you look like an idiot walking around in an intimate, social situation wearing one.

Well, you’d look ridiculous unless you’ve been invited to a pajama party at the
Playboy Mansion
, in which case wearing your underwear might be ok but since you’re
actually at a pajama party
I recommend wearing
actual pajamas.

You’re all a bunch of fucking savages, you know that?

I also highly recommend owning and wearing a 
jacket
. A so-called
sport coat
, in its own way, is perfect for this kind of thing, but any decent, matching
blazer
 will do. If you like, you can always wear it into the club and then remove it at your table. A jacket hanging off the back of your club chair allows the dancers to see that you have a little more going on and take shit more seriously than the asshole at the bar in shorts, flip-flops and a backwards ball cap.

A jacket can also make a handy place for storing extra junk from your pants pockets when you head back to get dances. Put your extra shit in the jacket pockets, and take it with you to the
VIP Room
. 
You can drape it across the dance area furniture that you are using so that nothing goes missing, while simultaneously not having your
car keys ground painfully into your thigh
every time the stripper puts her weight on you.

Ties are optional, and may make you look a little too dressed up. No need to make yourself unapproachable by accident. Also, a tie can serve as a target for drunken strippers who think that yanking you around by the tie is both fun and endearing. Having a tie knotted around your neck may be a handicap should you accidentally find yourself in some kind of parking lot brawl, bar fight or other altercation. I suggest avoiding those kinds of situations irrespective of
whether you wear a tie or not.