The Stranger's Woes (59 page)

“Why bare-bummed?” I said. “They wear very cute shorts. I like them.”

“Have some made for yourself, then,” said Melifaro. “You will look irresistible in them. Better than that goggle-eyed Aloxto.”

“I already look irresistible.” I gave Tekki an apologetic look. “Now you know that you’ve fallen victim to a horrible fraud. We’re not Secret Investigators. We’re humble patients from the local Refuge for the Mad. They let us out from time to time if we behave ourselves.”

“Really? Then you should behave yourself so they let you out more often,” said Tekki, placing before us two cups of kamra, which really was the best kamra in the Unified Kingdom.

“I’ll try,” I said.

Melifaro listened to our exchange with great pleasure. “Finally, a place in town where I can have fun!” he said. “The future is looking bright.”

The door creaked. Anday Pu was standing in the doorway.

“Max, a hole in the heavens above you! You don’t catch a thing! Dinner is over once and for all,” said the journalist. “Why did you refuse to become their king? They burn like comets out there where they come from! I could easily take care of your cats—it wouldn’t kill me.”

Melifaro was laughing so hard he almost fell off the high barstool.

“Is this guy also from your Refuge? Is his bunk bed next to yours, and did they also let him out for exemplary behavior?” said Tekki.

“You have such an astute mind, Tekki,” I said.

The next few days were the happiest days in my life. Even at work I didn’t come out of the fog, thick as cotton candy, which turned the world around me into a blissful wonderland.

But one day, before an astonishingly beautiful summer sunset, I overheard a disturbing conversation.

“I must leave tomorrow.” The whisper, coming from the Hall of Common Labor, belonged beyond any doubt to Aloxto Allirox because it was louder than a normal human shout. “But I do not want to leave. And yet—”

“And yet you must go, right?” I recognized Melamori’s voice.

“Right.”

“But you will come back. If only to kill Mudlax.”

“
Filthy
Mudlax,” said Aloxto.

“Of course. Two years is not that long, if you think about it.”

“It’s too long,” said Aloxto. “Have you ever tried to count the days one must live to go though a year?”

“Believe it or not, I have.”

“Yet you speak as though you have no notion of time. I do not want to leave, and I cannot stay. You do not want to come to Arvarox with me, or at least let me conquer another land for you, where you would like to live. I am completely lost, my lady. It’s easier for me die, and I will. I swear by Toila Liomurik’s armor!”

“Don’t you dare give me any of that dying business,” I muttered under my breath. I looked at Kurush. The wise bird was sleeping on the back of my chair. “Did you hear that?”

“No. What happened?” The buriwok opened one of its yellow eyes.

“That worshiper of the very tips of your feathers with a foghorn for a voice is going to shock Lady Melamori with the disgusting view of his dead body,” I said. “I don’t like it.”

“That’s his business,” said Kurush.

“No, it’s my business, too,” I said. “First, I like him. Second, Lady Melamori likes him, which is even more important. Kurush, my friend, please do something. You’re the only one he’ll listen to.”

“I’m going to fly away from you and settle in Arvarox,” said Kurush. “No one will go waking me up there with their silly human demands.”

“Do you think they bake good pastry there, too?” I said.

“That’s the only reason I don’t fulfill my threat. Fine, Max, if you really think I must.”

“If only out of diplomatic considerations.” I made a serious face. “Toila Liomurik the Conqueror of Arvarox will not be happy to learn that the beautiful Sir Aloxto Allirox—who slays the Kulyox Bird with just two glances and three compliments, if I remember correctly—kicked the bucket so close to the palace of His Majesty King Gurig. Who will bear the Third Chamber Pot to Toila Liomurik at the New Moon Feast right after his spouse and the Senior Cupbearer? Wait, what’s this got to do with the cupbearer, I wonder?”

“You’re completely mixed up, Max. No wonder, though. People always get mixed up,” said Kurush.

He flew into the Hall of Common Labor through the half-open door. I climbed outside through the window that Sir Juffin Hully had charmed. I was the only one who could go through it unharmed. This time my exit went pretty smoothly, too. I didn’t feel anything unearthly, but my heels were burning as if I had been running on hot coals. I examined them to make sure they were okay and then went for a little walk. Let them think that I hadn’t even been at the House by the Bridge, I thought. In my book, if you want to do charity work, you’d better do it anonymously. Otherwise, it’s not worth doing at all.

I returned a half hour later with a whole dozen pastries for Kurush—he deserved them. This time I used the door and walked through the Hall of Common Labor. Aloxto was still there. His expression was one of admiration and reverence—the consequences of talking to the buriwok, I assumed. The furry spider-like creature was purring gently on his shoulder.

“Where have you been, Max?” said Melamori.

“The only place I can be when someone asks me where I have been: somewhere where there’s food. Spent an hour in the
Sated Skeleton
. Do you want to follow my example? It’s a great place.”

“Sounds good,” said Melamori.

Aloxto Allirox looked at me with disbelief.

That’s right, I thought. Those Arvaroxian heroes always sense when someone’s telling an untruth. Now he’s trying to figure out why I’m doing it.

Fortunately, Aloxto didn’t deem it necessary to comment. I quickly bid the couple adieu and locked the door behind me. Kurush was already asleep on the back of my chair. I didn’t want to risk waking him up again. The parcel with pastries from the
Glutton
could wait. The night was young.

The next day I had to go to work at noon. We were saying goodbye to Aloxto.
The Surf Thorn
was casting off before sunset, and the Bighearted Master of two times fifty Sharptooths demanded a grandiose parting ceremony.

Melifaro looked like the happiest person in the whole Unified Kingdom. He was sitting on the table swinging his legs, with a dreamy expression of delight.

“You look so much better now that Rulen Bagdasys is gone,” I said. “Have you decided what to do with him yet?”

“Oh,
that
I decided a long time ago. But you no catch, Mr. Nightmare, as your rotund buddy has noted on many an occasion. Just wait, and you’ll see it yourself.”

“Okay,” I said. I yawned and took the bottle of Elixir of Kaxar out of the drawer. I had gotten up quite some time ago. It was time to wake up completely.

Half an hour later everybody was assembled in the office. Melamori was the last one to arrive. On her shoulder sat Aloxto’s spidery pet. It was visibly discombobulated by the change.

“That’s some brooch you got there,” said Melifaro. “A truly royal gift.”

“This is not a brooch; it’s a hoob. His name is Leleo. For your information, this animal is the keeper of souls of their entire clan. Did anyone ever give you a keeper of souls as a gift, Melifaro?”

“Magicians forbid, no!”

“Well, shush, then,” said Melamori.

“Iron logic,” said Sir Kofa. “Let me see your wonderful new pet, Melamori.”

“I’ve read that these creatures can sing,” said Lonli-Lokli. “Is this true?”

“Oh, they do. And how! But he doesn’t always respond to my commands. He needs time to get used to me.”

“A very human quality,” said Juffin. “We all need time to get used to something new. Ah, here are our friends from Arvarox. Can you hear them? Oh, no, did Aloxto think they’d all fit into our reception room?”

The monotonous knocking of their inflexible capes could be heard coming from the street. I looked out the window and saw that Juffin was right. Aloxto had brought to the House by the Bridge all fifty Sharptooths who weren’t keeping vigil by the walls of Xolomi.

“They are staying outside,” said Melamori. “Aloxto brought them with him as . . . well, it’s like dressing up for him. When a high-ranking Arvaroxian commander goes to a meeting that he considers an extraordinary event, he brings as many of his warriors as he can. Back home he would have come with ‘five hundred times fifty’ of them, in his words.”

“Did he bring them along when he went out on dates with you, too?” said Melifaro.

“No, praise be the Magicians. You see, they don’t consider a date to be such an extraordinary event.”

Aloxto Allirox came in accompanied by only one of his warriors, a very young and very handsome man. He was about my height, which was already pretty tall. But next to his commander, he looked like a puny teenager.

“This is Thotta, my shaman,” said Aloxto. I think he was a little nervous. “Thotta often speaks with the Dead God and almost always understands what the Dead God says. He will speak the words of the Dead God to you because my words will fail to thank you enough.”

“I hope we will be able to appreciate the honor fully,” said Juffin, surprised. His eyes were gleaming with curiosity.

“You will,” said Aloxto.

You just don’t know us well enough, I thought.

“The Dead God lets our commander give you his weapon as a gift,” said the shaman. “You should know that the warriors of Arvarox never give their weapons to outlanders. It only happened once before, in the ancient times, when the Conqueror of Arvarox, Libori Fosafik the Invisible Head, gave his sword to your King Mynin. Our first gift is for you, sir.”

Thotta gave Juffin a piercing look while Aloxto detached his “machete” from his belt.

“This sword is made from the fin of the biggest Ruxas fish that has ever been caught in the sea,” Thotta continued. “The same sword was given to your King Mynin back in the day. I did not think I had the right to make such a gift to you, for only equals may exchange gifts. But the Dead God told me you would not be angry.”

“Oh, not at all,” said Juffin, accepting the “machete.” He looked very flattered.

“The second gift is for the one who did not let the clan lose its commander.” The shaman was now looking at Melifaro.

Aloxto handed him his lethal “flyswatter” and said, “You have seen this weapon in action. I made it myself from the tooth-ridden tongue of the Kydoo beast. This is truly a dangerous weapon.”

“I have no reason to doubt it,” said Melifaro, looking extremely pleased.

Then the shaman turned to Lonli-Lokli. “The Dead God favors you especially, sir. But he did not explain why.”

“That’s too bad,” said Shurf very seriously. “I should very much like to know the reason for such goodwill.”

“You do not need a weapon, for you yourself are the best weapon,” said Aloxto. “But even you may need protection one day. I think my helmet is the sturdiest helmet under the sky. The six-thorn Uxunruk fish, from the head of which the helmet was made at my request, I caught myself.”

“It is beautiful,” said Lonli-Lokli, admiring the helmet. “A true work of art.”

“Our next gift is for you, O master of many faces.” The shaman gave a respectful bow to Sir Kofa.

Aloxto held out a sheathed object. “This is a death-bearing whip with two times fifty stings of the wild Zengo wasps,” he said. “The stings are every bit as deadly now as they were when the Zengo wasps were still buzzing in their nests. But a wise man of your caliber will be able to handle them.”