The Story Begins (11 page)

9

A Burden Too Great

OVER THE NEXT
FEW MONTHS: It was a task most difficult and it took all his might to carry on as though all was well with him with regards to Melanie’s relationship with Mike. He bore neither Melanie nor Mike any ill feelings but blamed that which befell him on none other than himself. He did not need to be told that it would have been unfair had he permitted his own undoing of his heart to adversely affect his personal relationship with Melanie, as well as that of hers and Mike’s. The couple was happy, and as much as it hurt him that it was Mike rather than himself, he was happy for them.

Jaden, however, found Mike’s reaction to his bond with Melanie quite idiosyncratic. Melanie had explained the closeness of her relationship with Jaden to Mike and the latter was perfectly fine with it. Jaden found this very curious indeed. He couldn’t fathom how Mike could simply accept that, despite the fact that he had known Melanie a lot longer than Jaden, let alone that the pair were high school sweethearts, how was it that Mike could have been perfectly at ease with another guy having such a close relationship with his girlfriend? He did not doubt at all that Mike loved Melanie very much, and to that end was baffled as to why Mike never felt threatened in the least. Not that Jaden would ever have done anything to come in between the couple’s relationship, nonetheless, Mike’s willingness to simply accept the status quo – that even with Mike now in the picture, Jaden and Melanie still spent a great deal more time together than did the couple – left him dumbfounded.

His curiosity eventually got the better of him and one day, while they were having lunch together, both waiting on Melanie, he broached the subject.

“Mike, don’t take any of this the wrong way, okay? I’m just trying to understand something,” said Jaden, feeling the need to put forth a disclaimer lest his intention be misconstrued.

“Go ahead,” Mike said.

“Most guys would be jealous, if not already broken up with their girlfriend, if another guy was spending with their girlfriend but a fraction of as much time as Melanie and I spend together. I don’t get it! You’ve known her a lot longer, you are her boyfriend, yet she spends most of her free time with me – not saying that anything illicit is going on,” he said, feeling the need for yet another disclaimer, “again, I’m just trying to understand how you can be so cool with this?”

“It’s simple. It’s called trust,” was the simple answer. He smiled then continued. “I trust her with the totality of all that I am, and I know that even if God were to come onto her, she’d politely say no. I know that she loves me and me only. She always has and she always will. As far as quality time is concerned, well, I’m a dual major, in a band, and I tutor as well. So as you can imagine, I really don’t have much time right now to do too much with her, and she understands that; she’s very supportive of all my endeavors. And who better to spend her time with than a true friend?” Mike finished.

“What’s makes you so sure about
me
? How do you know that
I
wouldn’t try anything with her? I know that you believe that she loves you, only you, and always will, but what makes you so sure that I won’t try to venture anything more than friendship?”

Again Mike smiled. “Firstly, I don’t
believe
that she loves me, I
know
. And secondly, yes, you do make a valid point. I do not know you all that well yet; however, Melanie does, and her I know only too well. She’s always been one to pick her friends carefully and she’s always made the right choices.
Always
!” he emphasized. “That’s how and why I am perfectly comfortable with you spending as much time together as she cares to. And, as I mentioned, even if God wished to court her, He’d have no luck, so a mere man… absolutely no chance.”

*

JADEN
struggled to keep his feelings to himself and Tina kept her word. She often could not be in the room when he visited, knowing that every moment he spent with Melanie, unable to hold her as he wished he could, was eating away at his soul. She pleaded with him to at least talk about his feelings with Melanie but he was unyielding. That, he believed, would only have made worse an already complicated matter.

*

Over
the Christmas break, though they spoke, not seeing Melanie abated his pain to a degree; however, at the onset of the second semester, his heartache had grown too great to bear. He did his best to avoid Melanie, blaming his scarcity on greater study loads and several papers, upon which his graduating was contingent, needing to get done. On occasion, however, he did see her in the hopes of never raising any suspicion.

Jaden indeed needed to be very convincing for though once upon a time he had ruled out any dating between them, or between him and any other girl for that matter, his evasiveness, though unquestioned at the time, had never been forgotten by Melanie. She remembered his words always: “I cannot take from another that which I cannot reciprocate.” He had never outright said that he didn’t want to, only that he couldn’t.

She knew that not all was as it once was between them; however, because Jaden insisted on his charade, when she broached the subject and reminded him of those words – and she had done so quite often – she accepted his assurances that all was perfectly well; at least such is how he perceived it.

He managed to convince her, he believed, that her initial fear of how he might react to her news of a rekindled relationship with Mike had created a perception within her that not all was quite as it had been, but that a perception was all that it really was.

*

“How
can you go on like this? Is this not killing you inside?” Tina asked one night as they watched television while Melanie, having missed dinner, had gone downstairs to the late night cafeteria for a snack.

“I really don’t know how I’m doing it. It does hurt but time will heal me, I hope,” he answered meekly.

“She will always be your friend and even though you graduate this summer, you will see her again and again and again,” Tina reminded him.

“I’ll find a way to deal with it. They are happy and that’s what’s important. Not seeing each other as often as we did has helped, I think. And once I’ve graduated, I’ll be moving away so that’ll also be a great help too. Of course I will not forget her and, as you inferred, we will always be a part of each other’s life but I believe that distance will help.”

Tina then went and sat by him, placing a hand on his while caressing his face with the other. “I wish every man loved as you do,” she said then kissed him on the forehead. “Why is the human heart so stubborn?” she asked rhetorically.

Jaden was then startled by an unexpected voice. It was Melanie’s.

“What’s going on?” she asked calmly, though concern was evident in her voice after having heard Tina’s words and seeing her caress Jaden’s face.

Engrossed in the television program, Jaden had not realized that Melanie had left the door slightly ajar when leaving, and with the television on and a tad bit loud, hadn’t heard her push the door open just in time to hear Tina say what she had just finished saying before kissing him.

“A painful lesson,” answered Tina sadly, lowering her hand from his cheek and letting go of his hand. She then went back to her bed.

“A painful lesson?” repeated Melanie. “Is someone going to tell me what this is about?” she asked almost impatiently.

Tina got up and walked towards the door where Melanie was still standing.

“Where are you going, Tina?” Melanie asked as she watched her approach.

Though Tina spoke not to Melanie, within their eyes lay an understanding. One to the other, their eyes bespoke a truth which, though known to them, was unbeknownst to Jaden.

“Jaden, what is going on?” Melanie asked, now turning her attention to him.

“Not what you might be thinking,” he said, lowering his eyes.

“I’m not thinking anything. I don’t know what to think but I do know that something is up. Please tell me what’s going on,” she pleaded. “Is something going on between the two of you?” she asked, stepping further into the room.

“I thought you weren’t thinking anything. And I did say it isn’t what you might be thinking.” He got up, walked over to the window and stared blankly out over the Charles River.

“It’s about us,” he finally said.

“What about us?” she asked, now standing behind him.

He was silent again.

“Things
have
changed, haven’t they? You tried to lead me to believe that I was making the whole thing up but no, I’ve been right all along. Mike has changed things between us, hasn’t he?”

“How long have you sensed the difference in me?”

“Long enough to have tried to talk to you about it several times,” she said then turned and stood beside her bed. “You weren’t as you are now. We always had time for each other, regardless of how chaotic our schedules were. When we started seeing each other less and less, I couldn’t help but begin to wonder… but I gave you the benefit of the doubt, seeing as how it is your senior year and all,” she explained. “It can’t be anything that I’ve done. It can only be because of Mike.”

She was expecting an answer. He did not provide one.

“Well, is it?” she asked, her voice beginning to break. “Please tell me that it isn’t.”

“Yes, it’s Mike… however,” he quickly added, “it’s neither his nor your fault but rather mine… perhaps it may be that the fault lies not even with me but just life and how experiences change us,” he said.

“You seemed perfectly fine with it. Actually, had it not been for leaving the door open, I probably might never have heard you admit that something in our friendship has changed, let alone the reason. You might have always simply tried to convince me that it really was just all in my head.”

“It isn’t that you rekindled what you had after he broke it off for the wrong reasons. I believe him to be a changed and good person. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and he has learned from his. I believe in second chances and I’m glad that you gave him one.”

“Then what, exactly, is this about? Please tell me.”

“Do you remember telling me that if I’d learned to trust you then I can also learn to love?”

“Yes.”

“I have learned to love.” Turning away from the window, he faced her, leaned into her ear and whispered, “I love you,” then sat on the bed, his face downcast.

It took her a moment to fully realize and comprehend what he had just said, Jaden observed. “No!” she blurted, stepping back in disbelief.

“Those words were never meant to be heard by you; not as I mean them now,” he said, still staring at the floor.

“How long has Tina known?” she asked.

“Since the first day of the school year but please, do not be upset or angry with her. I confided in her only because my emotions betrayed me in her presence. I asked that she promise to never speak of it.”

“Why did you never tell me?”

“I did not know until that same day what I was actually feeling.” He paused then said, “Or perhaps I knew but simply chose not to acknowledge it. I cannot be sure.”

She went to sit at her desk. She now stared at the floor as well, unsure as to what to do or say.

There was an awkward quiet for a few minutes. Finally the silence was broken.

“You should have said something,” she said, her eyes still focused on the floor.

“You know that would not have made a difference… regardless of when I might have told you. Your heart has always belonged to Mike and so shall it always. Nor would I ever even dream about coming between you, or any other couple for that matter.”

“You’re right,” she acknowledged, “my heart does forever belong to Mike. Where does this leave us now?”

“It can only leave us in one of two places – right where we were before this came to light… if you so wish, or...”

Another silence fell between them. Again she was the one to break it. She looked up and stared at the window. “Tina always seemed to have somewhere to go or something to do when you came over. Now I understand. She could not bear to see you hurting from an afflicted heart while carrying on as though you were perfectly fine all the while.” She looked him in the eye then quickly averted her eyes when she saw all the pain in them. “I don’t know that things can be as they were between us,” she said.

Jaden had expected words to that effect. He decided that he’d let the fate of their friendship be her choice entirely.

“Every time I see you, I will think of how torn you must be to see and be with the girl your heart is set upon yet your love goes unrequited. I can’t do that to you. I love you but I don’t want to hurt you anymore than you already are,” she said as she sobbed for both his and her pain, as well as the loss of their friendship.

“I don’t know if an apology is appropriate or not but I am sorry, Melanie. I didn’t mean for this to happen,” he said, his voice quivering as he struggled to refrain from crying. “Though things are unlikely to be as they once were anytime soon, if ever, please don’t let the love that initially birthed and nourished this friendship ever die. If ever you need me, please know that I will always be there for you. I’m so sorry. I am so very sorry.”

Then he left.

10

Please, Not God Again!

THE CAB RIDE
TO FORT BENNING: “How the hell did this crap happen to me? Of the six choices that I listed as being my preferred Army branches, how the hell did I end up with one that wasn’t anywhere on my list at all?” Jaden said, while puzzling over if God or the universe were plotting against him.

“Don’t you believe that everything happens for a reason?” asked the cab driver, looking back at Jaden through the rear view mirror.

“Of course not!” he said grimacing, as though to convey that he couldn’t believe that there were people out in the world who actually believed such nonsense. “That’s just stuff people say to try to explain and justify their misery.”

“Well, you could be quite right about that, young man; then again, you could also be quite wrong.”

“You know what’s really weird?” he asked as he looked out the window.

“What’s that?” asked the cabby.

“There were fourteen cadets in my graduating class and every single one of them, all but me that is, got either their first or second choice of branch. Yet, somehow, I got none of what I asked for, not even number six.”

“When you put it like that then, Lieutenant, I’m really inclined to believe that you didn’t get any of your choices for a reason. The world may seem like a mad place – and who knows, it just might be – but I personally believe that there is a method behind some of the seemingly randomness and madness of things.”

“I’ll admit that I did think it very strange that every other cadet got what they wanted yet I didn’t but I couldn’t let myself believe that fate was conspiring against me, because to do so would make me no different than those I call feeble-minded individuals, no offense by the way, who believe in the workings of God, or whatever they may believe is in control of their lives. Nope, all it is is that chance screwed me big time! Seriously fracking fracked me. Sorry for sort of cursing.”

“None taken,” replied the cab driver.

Jaden was thrown off. “Come again?”

“You said “no offense,” remember?”

“Oh, yeah. Right!”

“Well, you can choose to look at things that way but it won’t do you any good.”

“You’re right! Complaining and being pessimistic won’t help any,” Jaden agreed. “Might as well just go with the flow of things, huh? Goodness knows I can’t fight it. ”

“Just trust the universe. It’ll all work out,” the driver assured him.

Geez, Jaden thought, first it was Kevin with his God, and now the cab driver with the same crap, except he sounds New Age. Why the hell does this garbage seem to be following me in some way, shape or form?

*

“GOOD
luck, young man!” the driver said to the young lieutenant as he got back in his vehicle after having helped Jaden unload his luggage.

“Thanks!” said Jaden before the driver pulled away. So life begins, he thought as he stood before a building with the number 399 on it. Leaving his luggage on the curb, he headed towards the entrance. As soon as the double doors slid open, before he even entered the lobby, he caught sight of a plaque hanging on the wall behind the lobby counter which read, “Twice Shall The lesson Be Taught You Before It Is Learned.” He wondered if that was an infantry idiom.

“How may I help you, sir?” asked the young lady who tended to him.

“I just got here and need quarters,” he explained.

“Do you have a copy of your orders?” she inquired very politely.

He pulled a copy out of his pocket and handed them to her.

After entering his information into the computer’s data base and making a copy of the documentation, she handed them back to him and then disappeared into the back office, returning after a couple of minutes with a set of keys. Handing them to him, she said, “The front desk is always staffed so if you need assistance, please feel free to call. Welcome to Fort Benning, sir. I hope that your stay is an enjoyable one.”

“That makes two of us,” he joked. “Thanks.” Just as he turned to leave, he remembered the plaque on the wall. “Any idea what that means?” he asked, pointing to it.

“Sorry, sir, your guess is as good as mine… but it kind of sounds like something that may have different applications, interpretations, and or implications,” she said while looking at it. She turned back to him then and said with a smile, “Who knows? Maybe in time you’ll find yourself in a situation where it might make perfect sense to you.”

Jaden thought that the young woman sounded as though she should be practicing psychology in the appropriate facility not working at an Army lodging establishment. “Yeah, who knows?” he said nonchalantly before asking for directions to his quarters. After being pointed in the right direction, he was off.

*

Because
Jaden had reported to Fort Benning a couple of weeks earlier than his class start date, he found himself with not much to do to pass the time. Other than reporting to Building 76 – which was the 2
^nd
Battalion 11
^th
Infantry Regiment Headquarters where he, along with all the other reporting lieutenants, would be spending the next few months – twice daily for accountability purposes, he spent the great majority of his time either in his room watching television or in the library combing through the mystery aisles, looking for titles that promised not to be boring.

As fellow lieutenants started trickling in, he befriended a couple of them. Kirk and Tony, initially; through the latter he then met Donny and Dave. And his very first conversation with Dave, while the two had hung around one evening following accountability formation, he struggled with the reality that, of all the millions of people in the United States, it was just his luck to run into yet another Bible enthusiast.

This has got to be a joke, he thought as he listened to Dave tell him about his family’s background, that his father was a minister and his was a very godly home, and that he planned on following in his father’s footsteps once he was done serving.

How can it be that I cannot escape this? he lamented. Can it be that I’m hell bound and these are all chances to save my soul that I’m continually blowing off? Of course he didn’t truly believe that but he couldn’t help but ponder as to why this seemed to be following him.

Initially he decided that he would avoid Dave as best he could but it wasn’t long before he realized that that was simply impossible. It was not much longer before they had all become steadfast friends, spending a lot of their free time relaxing together after long days of studying infantry tactics.

Jaden eventually resigned himself to his fate and simply accepted that Kevin’s, now Dave’s, God was there to stay and that that was all there was to it. None of the others seemed to have an issue with Dave talking about God, and he didn’t want to appear to be the anti-Christ or some kind of hell-spawn by being the only one who got annoyed by it.

Ironically enough, just as with Kevin, as much as he believed that it really was a complete and utter waste of time to engage in such discussions, Jaden still did find himself drawn into the same conversations now with Dave that he had had with his college roommate.

And, as to be expected, the debates were always adjourned after they’d reach the all too predictable and inevitable impasse in their arguments, each trying to convince the other of their respective fallacy before postponing their discussion to resume at a later time.

Jaden often argued so fiercely against Christianity, or a belief in God period, that Donny once asked him while they were playing basketball if he didn’t have any fear of God or hell; to which Jaden had casually said, “You can’t fear that which you don’t believe to be real,” as he drove past him to the basket.

Donny’s wits failed him not for he had quickly retorted, “Just because you do or don’t believe in something does not make it any more or less real. People once believed that the earth was flat. We all know how wrong they were. The only ships that fall off the face of the earth are those that find themselves in the Bermuda Triangle...well, not the ships but the people.”

“Donny, the day the devil comes and lays claim to my soul will be the day I know that God is real. Now, check the ball.”

“Dude, something about you kind of scares me,” Donny said as he caught and held on to the bounced ball.

Jaden was waiting hoping that Donny would simply check the ball. He was having too much fun beating him to be discussing this right now. “Yeah, and what’s that?” Jaden asked, resting his hands on his knees, his eyes impatiently focused on the ball.

“I don’t know but sometimes the way you talk about God makes me wonder if you even value people.”

Jaden then stood upright. “Don’t you think that’s kind of an extreme statement? How does not believing in God have anything to do with the people around me?”

“Two reasons: firstly, you’re very convincing. You could probably make a fish believe that it could survive outside of water. Secondly, it’s no secret to those of us who’ve gotten to know you that people in general sicken you, and I doubt that you’d have any qualms about cleaning house, if you know what I mean. Without a fear of God, there’s nothing holding you back from doing just that. I have no doubts whatsoever that you could easily convince and inspire people to do things that are really crazy. Hitler. Hint, hint.”

“Good God, Donny – and I don’t mean that literally...”

“I know.”

“…you make it sound like I’m Hitler reincarnated, or some other twisted, psychotic soul. Jesus Christ! Just because I argue passionately against God does not make me a bad guy. Yeah, people generally sicken me but not everyone, just the bad ones. I know that there are good souls out there. Goodness, dude! Relax! And also, I don’t know what gives you the idea that I argue convincingly or am persuasive. If that were the case, Dave and I would not be having the discussions we
still
have because I’m sure I would have already turned him over to the
dark side
,” he joked. “Your reaction, I believe, is because, though you don’t come from a preaching family, it wouldn’t surprise me if your family probably went to church every Sunday, maybe still does. That, dear fellow, is what may be making you kind of sensitive to the subject, even though you believe that you’re being neutral when you happen to be around my discussions with Dave. That’s all it is, dude. Seriously!”

“Yeah, my family still does go to church but… I don’t know, dude. There’s something in your eyes that, to be honest with you, really scares the shit out of me sometimes. I know for sure that I would not want to get on your bad side.” He finally checked the ball.

Jaden caught it but didn’t dribble. “You’re kidding me, right?” he asked. Even though he asked, Donny’s comment did resonate with him. He had heard similar words before. Kevin had once said to him that there was something about him that was very different. When he had asked what Kevin meant, his roommate couldn’t expound on it as he wasn’t quite sure what exactly it was.

“No, I’m not. I don’t know what it is,” Donny said, “but something tells me that angering you would just be a very bad thing.”

Jaden laughed and started dribbling the ball. However, although he laughed it off, he couldn’t help but think about what was it about him that had made both Kevin and Donny, more or less make the same statement. This couldn’t have been a coincidence; there had to be some truth to it. He wondered if he’d hear it repeated at some future point in time. What was it that others saw in him that he was not seeing in himself?