The Space Between Us (11 page)

   “I will do my best to give you whatever you need, but I think you’re missing something here, Bit.”  He pushed my hair off my forehead, sliding his fingers behind my ears, securing my windblown hair.  “I never look at you, at your body, and wish for something else.  You’re all I’ve ever wished for, all I could ever hope for.  When I’m touching you, when you let me put my hands on your skin, the only thought running through my head is how lucky I am that I get to be the one, how lucky I am that you’ve let me close to you in this way.  I’ll be forever grateful for the privilege of
you
.”

   My heart fluttered and my insides melted.  I was the lucky one.

   “Come on,” I said as I pressed a kiss to his lips quickly.  “We better get going.”  I stood up from his lap and started walking down the path towards the bridge we spent so many days under throughout our lives.  He was a few steps behind me as I was trying to give him a little room to calm down from our new base rounding.  I heard footsteps rushing up next to me and I felt him take my hand, but he didn’t slow down and started pulling me towards the bridge.  I had no choice but to keep up with him, a smile growing across my face at his playfulness.  We ran down the embankment and ducked under the clearance of the bridge.

   Suddenly, Asher pushed me up against the wooden support, our bodies hidden from view. 
It was dark under the bridge, most of the light blocked, but I could just make out his silhouette.  His face was close to mine and I could feel his breath puffing out against my lips.  I felt his hands come to cradle my face and he pressed a tiny, gentle kiss to the very corner of my mouth.

   “When you run from me it makes me crazy,” he whispered.  I tri
ed to swallow the lump that appeared in my throat.

   “I wasn’t running from you,” I answered.

   “Yes, you were.  The conversation got deep and you took off.  What are you afraid of?”

   I thought about his question.  What was I afraid of?  Nothing.  Everything.  My hands came to rest upon his forearms and I felt his thumb start to slide back and forth across my cheek, silently comforting me, giving me courage to answer his question.

   “I’m afraid that I’ll let you in, you’ll see me, and you’ll realize that you don’t want me anymore.”

   He pressed his mouth against mine again, slowly and softly.  He stopped kissing me, but didn’t pull away, leaving his mouth resting against mine.

   “I love you,” he promised against me.

   My heart hammered in my chest and my hands gripped his arms.  His mouth pressed into mine again, kissing me until my mind could wrap around what he’d said. 

   He loved me.

   We
never said those words to each other before, never verbalized what I felt so deep in my body and soul.  It was never necessary.  I knew how I felt about him and hoped that he felt the same way.  Hearing him say he loved me brought me a lightness and euphoria I didn’t know I was missing.  His mouth pulled away from mine again, this time far enough away that I could catch my breath.

   “I love you Bit.
I love everything about you: your mind, your mouth, your body, your sense of humor, your hair.”  He slid his hands back through my long hair as he rattled of his list.  My eyes closed at the sensations of his hands sliding down my hair, but also because I wanted to hear him; I was listening with everything I was.  “I love you, in every sense of the word, in every capacity imaginable.”

   “I love you too” I whispered.  It was so quiet, I wasn’t sure he heard me, but he pressed his lips to my mouth and I felt him smiling.

Part II

Chapter One

   “Charlie, it's time to go soon. Are you ready?” I heard my father yelling up the stairs to me. I looked around my room. Even though all my furniture remained, along with most of the decorations hanging on the wall, the room seemed empty. I tried to push away the sadness that was trying to force its way in, but found it difficult to focus on the exciting parts of leaving for college. I just kept thinking about my father here all alone. He didn't deserve to be alone. I gave my room one last look and headed down the stairs with my overly-stuffed duffel bag.

  
“Dad, I think I should stay here and just go to the community college,” I said as I met his eyes. He cocked his head at me and smiled.

  
“Charlie Bear, I will be fine. You've worked too hard to go to the community college. Besides, Reeve and Asher will be with you too. This is going to be the most exciting thing you've ever done. Don't think you have to stay here to keep me company.”

  
“I just don't want you to be alone.” The thought of my dad spending every evening by himself was devastating. I looked over at his recliner, which he already spent too much time in already, and had images of him sulking in it every night. It made something inside my chest squeeze my heart. My dad deserved to be happy, not lonely.

  
“Just because you won't be around all the time doesn't mean I'll be a sad, pathetic lump on the recliner. I promise. Besides, who's to say I'm not just waiting for you to be out of the house before I turn into an eligible bachelor.” He raised an eyebrow at me, obviously trying to make me smile. I smiled for him, but not because what he said was funny, but because what he said was true. My dad was an eligible bachelor. In his mid-forties, he was devastatingly handsome. He still maintained his built physique simply by working at his construction job, his dark salt-and-pepper hair made him look distinguished and dapper. I only ever saw him wearing blue jeans and tee shirts but once, for my senior banquet a few months ago, I saw him in a suit and I almost didn't recognize him. Even all of my friends at the event commented on how handsome he was. I always knew he was good-looking, but just recently I accepted that he was truly beautiful.

  
“Are you going to start dating?” I asked curiously. He hadn't been on a date in all of my eighteen years except, of course, with my mother. He shrugged his shoulders, a trait I picked up from him, and looked away from me, perhaps a little embarrassed.

  
“I don't know. Maybe. I was thinking about it.” His head dropped low as he tried his best to keep his eyes from mine. “Would that bother you?” My heart hurt for him.

  
“No, Daddy. I won't mind. You deserve to be happy. Mom wouldn't want you to be alone.” Silence fell over both of us at the mention of my mother. It was still hard to think about her being gone, but the truth was, it had been eight years since she passed. My dad put his sadness aside and had done an admirable job raising me alone ever since.  I couldn't fully grasp what it had taken for him to pull himself up and be both parents. I knew that some days were harder than others for him, but he was the best dad I could have ever asked for, and that made it difficult to leave him, even though I knew I needed to. “I'll be back to visit soon, Dad. Corbett is only a few hours from here,” I said trying to move us out of the painful memories of my mother.

  
“You better,” he said with his wonderful smile, and I knew he would be ok. We both heard the honking from the driveway and I knew Reeve arrived to drive us away from the town we had done most of our growing up in. “I can't believe I let you and Reeve talk me into letting you take yourselves to college. I'm supposed to go with you, move you in to your dorm, say goodbye.”

  
“We don't need a sappy goodbye, Dad. I don't want that. Just give me a hug and tell me you'll miss me.” I smiled at him, trying to ease the situation that was turning out to be more painful than I anticipated. He came up to me and wrapped his giant, warm, papa-bear arms around me. I snuggled into his broad chest and breathed in his scent.

  
“I’m going to miss you,” he whispered into my hair. I felt the familiar pinch in my throat as I tried to keep from crying. “Don't be too crazy, but have fun. Make sure you don't walk home alone after dark and remember that you can always call me.” I smiled at his sentiment, worried about me always.

  
“I love you, Daddy,” I said into his chest.

  
“I love you too, Charlie Bear.” I felt him kiss the top of my head then pull away and quickly turn from me to pick up my bags. I suspected he was also trying to hide his face from me, afraid to show me how much it hurt saying goodbye. I didn't need to see his face to know his pain, because I was feeling it too. I turned to the door and pulled it open to see Reeve sitting in her open driver's side window, half hanging out of her car.

  
“Are you ready to party, Charlie?!” She yelled from where her car sat on the street. My dad stepped out behind me and a panicked look crossed her face. “I mean, uh, are you ready to study so hard we have no energy to even think about parties?” She said with a smile, halfway trying to cover what she said, but understood that it was a lost cause.

  
“Reeve, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, and then I'm going to tell you what I told Charlie. Be careful. College is going to be exciting and fun, but you have to be smart too. And you can always call me if you need something.”

  
“Thanks, Papa Bear,” she said sweetly, sliding back down into her seat. Reeve was the only other person on the planet that called my dad Papa Bear and she's the only one I would allow it from. Reeve had both of her parents, but that didn't stop my dad from treating her like one of his own, and I loved him even more for it.

  
He loaded all my bags into the trunk of Reeve's SUV and then pulled me into another hug, though this one was shorter and more playful.

  
“When is Asher getting there again?”

  
“He left yesterday. He'll be there to help us move in.”

  
“Good. Make sure he watches out for you.”

  
“Like I have to even ask him,” I said rolling my eyes.

  
“I know. I know,” he said and then paused. “I'm proud of you, Charlie. Have fun. And call your father.”

  
“I will, Dad. I love you.”

  
“I love you too.”

   The three-hour drive flew by, as any road trip with Reeve tended to do. She either talked a million miles per hour, or sang along to some pop song, and I was usually observing. It was dangerous to try and interrupt her long rambling monologues. I’ve been steamrolled many times in the past. So I usually just listened and nodded, giving her the occasional “uh huh,” when the time called for it. She was in her element when she had someone who had no choice but to give her their undivided attention. I didn't mind. She was my best friend. As much as she spoke, she listened when I needed her to. And she understood me more than I was willing to think about or examine.

  
When we finally pulled up to the university, I couldn't believe the amount of cars that were all trying to fit down the exact same street that we were headed. My first instinct was to regret not having my dad come with us. This was stressful and I wished he was there to lead the way so that I could just follow behind. I took a deep breath and readied myself. This was life now. I was an adult. It was time to start taking charge. I missed my dad.

  
All the apprehension I felt seemed to float away at the sight of Asher on the side of the road. He was up the street a bit, standing on the side of the road, between two orange construction cones. I watched from our car, crawling along at a snail’s pace, as a few cars tried to park between the cones. He waved them away with a smile that clearly said, “Move along”. He even used his hand to wave one or two away. When he spotted Reeve's SUV, he stepped a little farther into the street and started waving at us. My smile grew even bigger.

  
“Wipe the grin off your face Charlie; it's making me gag.”

  
“Come on, that's totally sweet,” I said as I motioned towards him with my hands.

  
“Barf,” she responded. I knew she was kidding.  She loved Asher almost just as much as I did. And even though she wouldn't admit it, his devotion to me, at the moment, was benefiting her just as much as it was me.

  
Once we finally made it to the reserved parking spot, Reeve expertly slid her SUV into the space, executing a perfect parallel parking job. I swung my door open and was met by Asher and his heart-stopping grin.

  
“Hey, Bit,” he said. I beamed at his nickname for me. He came up to me and I wrapped my arms around his neck as his hands slid around my waist. “Like your personal parking spot?”

  
“Hmmm. How did you manage to pull it off? Why didn't anyone from the university make you leave?”

  
“I can be persuasive when I need to be,” he said, smiling even bigger. I knew then that whoever had tried to get him to leave was female and he'd been able to charm them into looking past his irritatingly cute behavior.

  
“Lucky me,” I said and tipped up to kiss his lips. He came down to me, because even if I stood on the very tip of my toes I would never be able to reach his mouth, the height difference between us was at least a foot. I thought back to a day when we were the same height, fond memories of our childhood. Memories that were brushed away by the sweetness of his kiss.

  
When he pulled away, he pointed towards a table set up with official people sitting behind it.

  
“You get your keys at that table over there. I will grab your bags.”

  
Reeve and I headed towards the table and stood in line with other students who were flanked by their parents. Did I rob my dad of some rite of passage by coming alone? I felt a twinge of guilt looking at all the parents helping their children get their keys. I also saw the tears forming in their mother's eyes, and their dads patting their sons on the back, trying to avoid an over-emotional goodbye. I asked my dad not to come, in part, because I didn't want a sad goodbye. But I also didn't want him here to witness all the men who still had their wives. Times like these only served as reminders that my mother was no longer alive. He didn't need that - not today.

   “Perfect!” Reeve exclaimed as we made our way to the dorm room we’d been assigned. “Our room is right next to the bathroom!”

  
“Ugh,” I remarked. “Our room is right next to the bathroom.”

  
“What's wrong with that?  It's great.  We won't have to walk down a long hall dripping wet and hiding in a towel. We can just run into our room.” As if he had been summoned by her words, a guy came out of the bathroom wearing only a towel with beaded water still hanging on his chest. He gave us a brief look and then threw a wink our way.

  
“Uh, why is there a half-naked guy on your floor?” I shrugged my shoulders at Asher as he moved past me to put my bags on my bed.

  
“I'm sure he lives on this floor. He went into one of those rooms down there,” I said as I motioned down the hallway. I saw his shoulders stiffen and watched as he slowly turned towards me.

  
“This is a co-ed
floor
?” I shrugged again, not wanting to say anything that would make him upset. “No shrugging, Bit. Words.”

  
“I thought I mentioned the dorm was co-ed.”

  
“Right. You said the
dorm
was co-ed, not the floor.” He ran his hands through his dark hair. He took in a deep breath and then let it out slowly. I saw some of the tension leave his body, but he was still wound tightly. I crossed the room to him and noticed Reeve slipping out of the room to give us a moment.

  
“Ash, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think to distinguish between the two. I wasn't trying to keep anything from you.” I stood right next to him and I put my hand out to touch his arm. At our contact he turned towards me and I felt his hands come up to cradle my face.

  
“Why will you let total strangers live with you, but not me?”

  
My breath came out quickly, letting on that I was annoyed by his question. It was a discussion we'd had all summer long. Asher desperately wanted to share a dorm room, to live together our freshman year of college. I desperately wanted to have a normal college experience and share a dorm room with my best friend. Somehow, for some reason, he took this as rejection and it made him upset. Every time he brought it up, we argued.  He eventually dropped the subject, but I always felt it was more because he was tired of talking about it rather than him being secure in our separation.

  
“You've got to stop this. Just because I don't want to live with you doesn't mean I don't love you or want to be with you.” He looked into my eyes like I hid the secret meaning of life in them. He searched for something. I wasn't sure I had the answer he was looking for. “What can I do to make you understand that I need this year? I need to live with my best friend. I need to have this experience. We're only going to be college freshmen once, Ash. We have this one chance. Don't ruin it by being jealous. You've got no reason to be. Tell me, what can I do?” He exhaled loudly again and rested his forehead against mine.