The Space Between Us (9 page)

Chapter Seven

   “Can I tell you something that might be really embarrassing?”  He asked me one night while we were having a rare conversation over the phone.  When he was on the farm we didn’t get a lot of time to talk to each other.

   “Sure…” I answered skeptically.  I was laying on my bed, on my back, with my head hanging over the edge.

   “Do you remember the last day I was home?  When we were both going back to our houses and it was the last time we were going to see each other before I left the next morning?”

   “Yeah.”  I remember that goodbye.  It was the most painful and beautiful moment of my life.  I didn’t cry, but only because I kept pushing my fingernails into the skin of my palm to distract me from the need to release the sadness that was taking over me.  I was torn apart that he was leaving, but behind all that, past all the hurt and longing and aching, I was so happy we’d made it to that point.  I would miss him
differently
this year, and I would treasure that fact all the months he was gone.  I heard him push out a nervous breath and it made me nervous.

   “I wanted to kiss you so badly that night.”  And now my breath was gone all together.  I remembered the moment he was talking about.  We stood on my front porch after he’d walked me home from sitting under the bridge by the creek for the evening, trying to distract ourselves from our sadness.  He picked me up in a giant hug and had held on forever, but not long enough for either of us.  He loosened his grip and I slid down his chest, the friction of our bodies and clothing rubbing together causing all kinds of strong yet confusing things to happen to me.  He rested his forehead against mine and I could feel the air from his mouth brush against mine.  I couldn’t see his mouth, but I knew exactly where it was and how far I’d have to move to make my lips press against his.  I was scared.  I’d never kissed anyone before and I wasn’t sure I knew how.  I wanted to kiss him so
badly, but I couldn’t get past the idea that I would mess it up somehow.  And just when I thought I’d gathered up enough nerve to move the inch and half it would take to change my life forever, he pulled away.  He placed a tiny kiss on the crown of my head and I sighed, partly in relief and partly in regret.

   “I wanted to kiss you too,” I whispered.  Now I heard him sigh.

   “Good.  That’s good.”

   “Good?”

   “Well, I’m glad that you wanted to kiss me too.  But honestly, I’m glad we didn’t.”

   “Why?”

   “I didn’t want our first kiss to be a goodbye.”

   Our first kiss took place the day he came back that summer.  We planned to meet under the bridge, in our usual spot, after dinner.  He had flown in that afternoon, but had to spend some obligatory time with his parents before he thought he could sneak away.  I spent the entire day watching the clock. I knew when his plane landed.  I knew when he had probably arrived home, and I was filled with nerves knowing he was just a block away, in his house, so close to me.

   As I walked to the bridge in the park where we h
ad spent so much time as little kids, I tried hard to determine if I was going to be sick or not.  My stomach was in knots, the anticipation of seeing him again was more than I thought I could handle.  I placed my hands over my belly and rubbed along the white eyelet fabric of the new dress I had purchased, telling myself it wasn’t exclusively for Asher, even though it totally was.  I mumbled comforting words to myself that did nothing to comfort me.  “Everything is going to be ok.  It’s just Asher.  You’ve known Asher all your life.  He’s the same boy you grew up with.”  But he wasn’t.  I talked to myself until I looked up and suddenly saw him. 

   His back was to me as he looked out over the pitiful stream the flowed under the bridge.  The sun was setting and it cast an orange hue over everything, making everything glow in a way that only happens in the summer.  As if he could sense I was there, he turned and his eyes met mine.  My belly continued to flip and flop everywhere and I could feel my hands begin to tremble, but I couldn’t stop walking towards him. 

   I made it to him, stopping when there was very little distance between us, and pushed my hair back behind my ear.  I still fiddled with the fabric of my dress, and went to open my mouth to greet him when I felt his finger under my chin.  He lifted my face until I was looking up into his slate gray eyes.  I watched those eyes as they grew closer and closer, and I saw him close his eyes right before I felt his lips touch mine.

   We stood there, Charlie and Asher, best friends since fifth grade, sharing our first kiss.

   He was right when he decided our first kiss shouldn’t be a goodbye.  This hello kiss was perfect.  A greeting.  A beginning.  Something new.

   I was so nervous, all my insecurities threatening to take the kiss over.  I made myself remember this was Asher and the moment was already perfect.  His lips moved against mine slowly and gently.  He pressed in harder and I felt my lips slide partially into his mouth as his captured mine.  He moved again, his mouth opening slightly, then closing his lips around mine, the contact sending waves of a new kind of pleasure straight to my belly.  His hand came up to cradle the back of my head, pressing our mouths together even more.  I heard myself let out a small moan against his mouth and I was instantly embarrassed and felt my face flush.  I pulled away and put my hand to my mouth, turning away from him.

   “I’m sorry,” I mumbled through my fingers.  I can’t believe I just
moaned
, like, right into his mouth.

   “Hey,” I heard him say as he turned me around by my arm to face him.  “Hey, Bit,” he said as he ducked down to look at me.  “Don’t be embarrassed.  I’m not embarrassed.  That was good. 
I’m glad you were enjoying yourself.”  I rubbed my hands over my face and I could feel it was flaming red and hot.  “Hey, look at me.  Charlie, look at me.”  I growled in frustration but tilted my head up to look at him.  “Hi,” he said softly.  I couldn’t help but smile.  “I missed you.”  I melted a little inside.

   “I missed you too, Asher.  I’m sorry again.  I’m not sure why I did that.”  He took his hand and ran it through my loose, black
hair, causing tingles that made me shiver.

   “You were enjoying yourself.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  People like kissing.  That’s why they do it all the time, I assume.  And I’ll admit,” he said tugging on my hair just a little so that I looked up into his eyes again,  “I liked that you were enjoying it so much.”

   “I’m so glad you’re home,” I said as I moved into his arms.

   “Did you have a good summer?”  He asked, his words a little mummbly from his cheek pressed to the top of my head.  I shrugged my shoulders and loved the sound of his laughter echoing through his chest.  I pulled back from him and saw his eyes glide down my body.  It might have been the first time I didn’t feel self-conscious about his eyes running over me; I wanted him to look, to see me, to like what he saw.

   “Do you like my dress?”  I held out the hem of my skirt and gave a little twirl.  I heard him swallow and saw his head bob up and down in a nod, his eyes not leaving the flesh of my bare legs.  “Good.”

  He caught himself staring and returned his attention to my face.  “Do you want to walk around the park?”

   “Sure.”  He took my hand without hesitation and I was elated.  From under the bridge we walked toward the path that led around the park, circling the small pond that was in the center.  We strolled along the path talking about our summer apart, filling in the blanks of what we’d already covered in phone conversations and emails.  We came up to the gazebo that sat along the shore of the pond and Asher headed in, pulling me along with him. 

   We went to the far railing, looking out over the water.  There were tall cattails sticking up from the water and a few smaller ducks navigating through the tall reeds.  I pressed into the railing, hoping to see the swans that sometimes congregated near the shoreline.  I felt Asher’s chest press against my back and every sense was magnified.  The low hum of the crickets turned into an orchestra of chirping, the gentle breeze was now a gust swirling the fragrance of the surrounding flowers around us.  But the touch – his body pressed into mine – was my favorite.

   “Bit,” he said quietly.

   “Yes?”  I breathed rapidly and hoped he didn’t notice, his nearness making it hard to draw air into my lungs normally.  I felt like I was starving for oxygen.

   “Will you be my girlfriend?”

   Of all the words that he could have uttered at that moment, those were some I wasn’t expecting.

   “You want me to be your girlfriend?”

   “Um, yes?”  Now he sounded unsure of himself.  “Don’t you want to be my girlfriend?”

   “Um, yes?”  I offered, hoping to make him smile by using his words.  He did smile, but not as brightly as I would have liked.  “But, I don’t think I
can
be your girlfriend.  Not yet anyhow.” 

   “Let me worry about your dad,” he said confidently.  I turned to look at him, but his hands remained on the railing, caging me in.

   “You think you can convince my dad to let me date you an entire year early?”

   “Like I said, let me worry about it.”  His confidence and demanding words made me fill with warmth.

   “I’d love to be your girlfriend,” I managed to whisper, still holding his gaze.

   “I’d really love to kiss my girlfriend.”  His mouth came down to meet mine and the last thing I saw before I closed my eyes were his gorgeous eyelashes and dark freckles across his nose.  I felt his lips press into mine again and wondered instantly if every kiss for the rest of my life would be better than the last.  This kiss felt effortless and perfect.  His hands moved from the railing to my waist making the muscles in my abdomen jolt alive with his new touch.

   We were exploring each other, but also exploring the idea of kisses.  I learned that when I pressed my lips firmly onto his I could make him lose his breath.  I heard him inhale so quickly that it seemed as though he was caught off guard by how he felt.  I learned that Asher liked to run his fingers through my hair while we kissed and in turn, I enjoyed the feeling of his fingers raking through my long hair just as much.

   When I felt his tongue press against the seam of my lips, I hesitated for a moment, but opened for him.  At first I was stunned into paralysis.  I feared I had no idea what I was doing, but then I felt Asher run the back of his hand along my cheek and knew I could trust him to lead me.  I concentrated on matching him and trying not to embarrass myself, but felt all the anxiety was worth it when I felt him slow down.  When his mouth came to almost a complete stop and our lips were simply connected, as if he were savoring and cherishing that moment,
that
was when I let my guard down and gave in to the kiss.

   Eventually, long after the sun had set, we reluctantly parted, forced from our gazebo by the chill of the summer night.  We walked home and Asher kept his arm around my shoulders, which I appreciated because I hadn’t thought to bring a sweater.

   “So, when we get back to your house I’m going to talk to your dad.”  Asher sounded determined but also a little scared.

   “Tonight?”

   “Yeah.  I don’t want him to think we’re sneaking around behind his back.  I want to be up front and honest with him.  Is that ok with you?  Do you mind if I talk to him tonight?”

   I shook my head.  “No.  I don’t mind.  I’m just not sure how all of this is going to go over with him.  You know how he can be, especially when it comes to me.”

   “It’ll be ok.”

   And it was.  That night we went into my house and after Asher asked to speak to my father alone I retreated to my room.  I sat there for forty-five minutes in nervous agony.  Finally, my bedroom door opened and I saw my father’s face as he poked his head around the door.

   “Can I come in?”

   “Yeah.”  I sat down on my bed and left enough room for him on the corner.

   “So, you and Asher, huh?”  He sighed heavily, almost like he had been waiting to exhale for years.

   “I guess that’s up to you, Daddy.”

   “So here’s the deal, and this deal only pertains to Asher.  If you guys decide to break up, you still aren’t allowed to date anyone else until you’re sixteen, understood?”

   “You’re going to let me date?”  I exclaimed, a little confused but more excited than anything.

   “Yes, but there are stipulations.” I rolled my eyes at him.  Of course there were.  “First, you will not be going out alone on dates.  If you want to go out with a group of friends, that’s fine.  But no solo dates.  Second, he is no longer allowed in your room, under any circumstance, whatsoever.  When he is here, the two of you are in the living room or the kitchen.  Third, if you miss curfew even once then you will not be allowed to see him until I say so.  I’m serious about this Charlie.  There will be no warnings or second chances.  Miss curfew once and it might all be over.  Lastly, if your grades begin to drop or your attitude changes, I will end it and push dating out even farther than sixteen.  Do you understand all of this Charlie?”

   “You’re going to let me date?”  I asked with an excited smile.  He groaned and rubbed his hands over his face.

   “You’re a good kid, Charlie.  And I trust you.  I trust you to be the daughter that your mother and I raised.  I trust you to make good decisions and to come to me if you have any problems or questions.”  I nodded enthusiastically, knowing that realistically the chances of going to my father about dating problems were slim, but I knew what he meant.  I knew I could be with Asher and stay true to who I was.  “I also trust Asher.  He’s proven to me that he understands how important you are to me, and I know he will treat you with the respect that you deserve.”  I flung myself into his arms and wrapped mine around his neck.