The Space Between Us (27 page)

   My eyes
found every tall, dark haired man in a crowd for thirteen years.  I searched him out, praying I’d find him but afraid of what would happen when I did.  My mind hated him, with good reason, but I’d never fully convinced my heart.  With every miniscule and tiny part of myself, I was afraid of what would happen if I ever saw him again.  And now, here I was, looking right at him.  I saw shock on his face.  I saw remorse.  I saw panic.

   “Shit,” I heard Reeve mutter from behind me.

   “Charlie,” he said quietly.  I hated that he used my real name.  I hated that I hated it.  “You’re not supposed to be here.”  He said it like it hurt him.  Like being
near
me hurt him.

   “We ha
d to reschedule,” Reeve supplied.  I turned to her, anger surging through my veins.

   “You knew about this?  About him?”

   “We were just trying to make this as easy on you as possible, Charlie.  We didn’t want to hurt you anymore than you’re already hurting,” she answered.  Instantly I felt alone, but I was used to it by now.  I closed my eyes, trying to control my feelings, trying not to feel, to block it all out.  Even with my eyes closed I could still see Asher standing before me: his hair a little longer than I remember it being, his freckles still dark and distinct, his shoulders and arms filling out the three-piece suit I’d never seen him in.  For just a fraction of a moment I was proud of him for becoming what he’d always dreamt of, what he’d always wanted.  In spite of everything, he was able to achieve his ultimate goal.  I guess I was glad one of us achieved something.  I opened my eyes again, feigning resolve, masking my complete and utter brokenness, and turned, walking towards the parking lot.

   The headlights of my rental car blinked as I pressed the unlock button on the
key fob.

   “Charlie, wait.”  His voice cut through me.  I hadn’t heard his voice in
years and it still sliced right down into me, cutting me open.  I didn’t stop walking.  “Charlie, please, let’s talk.  I didn’t mean for this to happen.  Please let me explain.”  He sounded desperate, but not as desperate as I was to get away.  Reeve ran up beside me and placed her hand on my arm.

   “Maybe you should talk to him,” she said, a little out of breath.

   “You need to find another way home.”  I got into the car and drove away, fully aware of the fact that I was leaving everyone behind.  Again.

Chapter Six

Asher

   “Fuck!”  I screamed as loud as my lungs would allow.  I watched her car drive away and my mind raced with things I could possibly do to fix the situation.  “Where is she staying?”  I asked Reeve.

   “I don’t know.  She picked me up.”

   I sprinted back to my car and peeled out of the driveway, hoping she’d been caught at a light and I could still find her.  I wove in between cars hoping to catch up with her, hoping that I was observant enough and correct when I thought her car was black.  I stopped at a red light and my open fist slammed into my steering wheel.  “Ahhhh!”  My frustration was no match for the wheel firmly attached to the dash and the palm of my hand stung from the impact.  But that was ok.  I welcomed that.  I didn’t see any black cars around, but I did see one soccer mom staring at me from the lane over.  That’s ok.  Let her witness my breakdown.  How could this have happened?  Why didn’t Phil call to tell me the meeting had been rescheduled?  I ran a hand through my hair and gave it a slight tug, wishing I had stayed home for the entire day instead of trying to dodge her.  That was a lie.  I wouldn’t take back seeing her again for anything.  I just wished she hadn’t seen me.  To see her, up close, to see the color of her eyes, the way her long hair fell around her shoulders; it was a sight I would likely take with me to the grave and cherish just as long.  This had to be the longest red light in the history of traffic.  The light finally changed and I continued to pass slow-moving cars to try and find the one that might hold her.

   An hour later and I still hadn’t found her.  I thought about stopping at every hotel and motel in town, but the only thing that s
topped me was the knowledge she didn’t want to be found.  She didn’t want to see me.  She wanted to run from me, to hide from me.  Didn’t I owe her at least that?  To be left alone?  The idea of letting her go again, of letting her live more of her life without telling her everything I’d kept bottled up inside, well, it would surely eat me alive.  But if there was one thing I was convinced I didn’t deserve, it was her or anything she had to give me, including forgiveness.  I pointed my car back towards the office and began to feel the gnawing of regret eating away at me.

   I stormed into Phil’s office, the door swinging open so fast it bounced off the wall behind it.  “Why the hell didn’t you tell me the appointment had been moved?  You knew how important this was to me.” 

   “Asher, calm down.  You’re right.  I should have told you.  The Anderson case got moved around and I was swamped.  I was rushing from one meeting to the next when I got word of the time change.  I just forgot.  I apologize.”

   Well shit.  I couldn’t be angry at that.
  I just sat down in one of his arm chairs and rested my head in my hands, contemplating what to do next.  “Did you see her face? Did you see how much she hates me?”

   “I saw a lot of things between the two of you, but I don’t think I
saw hate.  I saw a woman who just lost her dad and then she saw a ghost.  She looked terrified.  I’m not sure what happened between you two, but she’s definitely not a fan of yours.”

 
Hate or terror, I wasn’t ok with either emotion, not when it was Bit.  I desperately wanted her to love me again, to forget the words I spoke, the way I acted, how I’d walked away from her that day.  Hell, I wanted to forget.  I looked up at Phil.

   “How was she during the reading?”  How much I wished I
had been there to comfort her while she learned of her father’s last wishes.  I already knew what they were.  I helped Charles prepare everything.  I was the one to sit with him and decide how to invest his money, how he could leave Charlie with the most, how she could be best provided for.  I did it just as much for him as I did for me and I would admit that to anyone.  I don’t think I had to tell Charles though.  He knew.  He knew every time I went to see him over the last thirteen years it was to feel close to her.  I will always have a deep respect for Charles McBride.  He was a great man, but I used him.  It was a two-way street though.  I think he liked having me around to remind him of Charlie when she was younger.  My love for her was comforting to him.  That’s how it seemed anyway.

   “She was quiet.  A little shocked when she heard the number, understandably.”  I nodded.  It was a big number.
  “I’m glad her friend was here; she seemed to help, even had tissues ready.  I suck at reading wills.  I should have thought to have tissues ready.”  He sighed.  “Oh well.”  He walked back to his desk and sat down in his high-back chair.  “What are you going to do now?”

   “What do you mean?”

   “I mean, how are you going to handle the situation?  It’s obvious there’s a history there.  She wouldn’t have run from here so quickly if she didn’t still have some sort of feelings towards you.”

   “It’s complicated.”

   “It’s always complicated.  If it weren’t, we’d be dead.  That’s all life is, one complication after another.  If you hide from one, the rest just pile up behind it.”

   “When did you become a philosopher?”

   “I’m a lawyer.  Same difference.”

   “So, you think I should try to talk to her.”

   “I think you should try to fix whatever it is that’s made you act like a crazy person for the last week.”

   I nodded.  That would be her.  She’s the one who’s made me act like a crazy person.
  “Did Reeve get home?”

   “Yes.  Her husband came to pick her up.”

   “I think I’m going to take a personal day and head out.  You all right with that?”

   “Do what you have to do.”  His words sounded cold, but I knew Phil was simply trying to stay impartial.  He wouldn’t begrudge me the time off.

   “Thanks.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  I headed towards the door of his office.

   “Asher,” he called out.  I turned around, resting against the frame of the door.  “If you need anything, or anyone to talk to, give me a call.”  I gave him a small smile.

   “Thanks.  For everything.  I know you didn’t have to handle the will this morning.  I really appreciate it.”

   “Ok, get out of here.”

   I got back in my car and headed to Reeve’s house.  She wasn’t thrilled to see me and I wasn’t surprised.  She glared at me from behind her partially closed door.

   “Reeve, please talk to me.”

   “What is it that you want, Asher?”  That was a damn good question.  In this moment all I knew was I wanted Charlie to know how sorry I was – for being at the office, for her dad dying, and for a list of things that happened years before.

   “I just want to make sure she’s ok.”  Reeve puffed out a big sigh and took a step out of the door on to her porch.  I stepped back, allowing her some room to breathe.

   “What makes you think that you deserve to know anything about her?  You made the biggest mistake of your life all those years ago and this is the price you have to pay for it, Asher.  You don’t get to know anything about her.”

   “Reeve, I know I messed up.  I get that.  And I totally understand why she doesn’t want to see me.  But please, tell me she’s ok.”  She was silent for a few moments, tapping her foot on the concrete, avoiding eye contact.  Finally, her shoulders relaxed a little and she let her arms fall to her sides.

   “Charlie hasn’t been ok for thirteen years, Asher.  She’s not the same girl you were in love with.  What happened between you two, what happened to her, what
you
did to her, it changed her.  She was never ok after what you did.”

   “I know what I said to her about the baby was wrong, Reeve.  I know that, truly, I do.  I regret that every day of my life.”

   “It’s not just what you said, Asher.  Although, what you said was bad enough.  It’s what you
did
.  What you did to her is pretty unforgiveable.”

   “I know. 
I know
.  I should never have walked out on her.  Please.  You have to help me find her so I can talk to her.  The silence has gone on long enough.”

   “Walked out on her?  That’s all you’ve got?  All you’re sorry for?  You’re a real piece of work, Asher.  I knew you were an asshole, but this is a new low.  There is no way I am going to help you find her.  I have no idea where she is, but even if I did, you are the last person on this planet I would tell.  You can go to hell.”  She turned and headed back towards the house.  Desperately, I reached out and grabbed her arm.  She snapped around and eyed my hand wrapped around her bicep.  “Get your hand off of me, Asher.”

   “Reeve, please, I’m so confused. I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle.  What are you talking about?”  She looked like she was about to slap me.  I would have definitely let her if it meant she would keep talking.  I’d take any abuse she wanted to give me, as long as it was accompanied by information.  Finally, she looked like she was going to give in.

   “Tell me what you know about Charlie’s pregnancy.”
  My mouth gaped open, then closed, like a fish.  I wasn’t expecting Reeve to ask me that and I wasn’t, at all, prepared to answer.

   “What kind of question is that?”

   “A valid one.  You want to know about her, so you’re going to have to talk to me first.  Answer the question.  Tell me what you know about her pregnancy.”  I ran my hand though my hair, trying to formulate an answer.  What kind of information was she looking for?  What was it that she wanted me to say?

   “I guess there isn’t much to tell.  I don’t know that much about it.”  I realize
d my first sentence wasn’t so good.  I wasn’t painting a good picture of myself.  I understood that I wasn’t going to be able to redeem myself here, but I didn’t want to dig myself any deeper either.  It felt like Reeve was my last shot.  Perhaps, even, my only shot at getting in touch with Charlie.  “I remember that Charlie kept getting sick.  I came to the house to check on her one morning and one of the girls at your house said you’d both gone out.”  I tried to bring back the memories that I’d managed to not think about for so long.

  “When you guys came back Charlie was a mess.  She was crying and looked really upset.  I took her upstairs and we took a small nap.  When we woke up she told me she was pregnant.”  I swallowed hard, knowing that the rest of the story was an ugly part of my past that I hated.  I
hated who I was in that moment and I wished I could take it back.  I’d do anything to take it back.

   “I, admittedly, didn’t take the news very well.  I asked her what she was planning on doing about the baby.  I was upset that she wouldn’t consider getting an abortion.  I
got angry and I went back to my house.”  It was so much more than that, so much more.  But I couldn’t bring myself to tell Reeve anymore.  Those were words I saved for Charlie, if I ever got to see her.

   “A few weeks later her dad called me and told me she had a miscarriage.  He told me that she wouldn’t be returning to school and that she needed some time to heal.”
  I looked away from her, down at the ground, remembering the time I spent trying to give Charlie what she wanted, what her father had told me she needed.  “When I finally thought enough time had passed, when I tried to reach out to her, she was already gone.”  I looked back up at Reeve and her expression hadn’t changed.  Her eyes were still cold and empty, unforgiving, and that was fine.  I didn’t need her forgiveness, I just needed information.

   “And how many girls did you sleep with between finding out she was pregnant and finding out she’d lost the baby?”  Her tone was icy and she was stone cold.  If her question
was a physical act, it would have knocked me over.  I was so caught off guard by it, by what she was insinuating, that I had to force myself to speak.

   “I didn’t sleep with anyone.”
  Panic slowly started making its way through my body.  Those few weeks, for me, were miserable.  And I did things I wasn’t proud of, found myself in situations I wasn’t used to, but I was hurting.  It had never occurred to me that Charlie thought I was anything but faithful to her.

   “You’re a liar, Asher.  Y
ou’re the worst kind of asshole and you don’t deserve to know anything about her.  You took her away from all of us.  I don’t believe one word out of your mouth.”  She turned and made it all the way inside of her door before I managed to put myself in between the door and the frame.

   “I’m not lying, Reeve.  I didn’t sleep with anyone.  Am I an asshole?  Definitely.  Do I deserve anything from you or Charlie?  Absolutely not.  But what does Charlie deserve?  I think she deserves to hear an apology, at the very least.  She deserves to be able to tell me how she feels about me and what she went through.  You say she’s been lost all this tim
e?  Let me try and help her find a way back.  I can’t do that without your help.”  She still looked like she wanted to kill me.  She pointed a finger at me and her eyes narrowed.

   “I don’t believe one single word you’ve said.  Let
me make that clear. Whatever happened between you and her, is between you and her.  If you find her, if you convince her to listen to you and you hurt her again, I will find you.  I will find you and I will hurt you like I wanted to thirteen years ago.”  She paused, contemplating.  “If you’re telling the truth right now, you need to find Charlie and tell her.”

   “That’s all I want to do.  I want to tell her the truth.  I want to tell her everything.  Please.  Help me find her.”