The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (21 page)

Americans have always taken great pride in their ability to run profitable strip clubs in a country founded on Judeo-Christian principles along with their ability to succeed militarily on the battlefield. The Little Bighorn River, located in Montana, may have been without a gentlemen's club in 1876, however, it did prove to be an appropriate venue for George Custer's last stand. Over the years, Custer's last stand has fondly become known as perhaps the largest fiasco in American military history.

He was born George “I'll go down in history” Custer in New Rumley, Ohio, famous for, well, Custer being born there. Custer was an embarrassment to New Rumley, as he graduated from West Point academy dead last in his class. His ineptness extending beyond the classroom, Custer performed miserably once on duty. He was court-martialed, only to be saved from punishment by the timely outbreak of the Civil War and the shortage of trained soldiers. After being court-martialed a second time, Custer was assigned to be part of the 1876 mission to take down the Lakota tribe along with the more competent Generals Gibbon and Crook.

In 1876, the U.S. government ordered the Lakota chiefs to report to their designated land by the end of January.
IGNORING NATIVE AMERICANS' CLAIM THAT THEY WERE THERE FIRST, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT WAS KIND ENOUGH TO MAKE ADDITIONAL ROOM FOR WHITE PEOPLE BY ORDERING THE INDIANS TO TAKE UP RESIDENCY IN A LITTLE SPACE OUT WEST THAT THE WHITES DIDN'T WANT YET.

Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, among others, decided not to comply. Generals Gibbon and Crook were sent with Custer to drive Sitting Bull and the other chiefs onto the reservation for a lifetime of gambling and alcohol. As the fight began, Crazy Horse and his warriors got the upper hand, forcing General Crook to retreat. Later in June, Custer found Sitting Bull's encampment near the Little Bighorn River. Sensing an historic opportunity, Custer disregarded the original plan and instead charged ahead only to find out that he and his men were outnumbered four-to-one. Needless to say, Custer's premonition about history was correct. The Lakota warriors killed Custer and all of his troops, offering no surrender. It was one of the worst defeats in U.S. military history. Despite more troops coming later for Sitting Bull, he and his men escaped to Canada where their native style of dress and incomprehensible speech made them nearly invisible.

For his efforts, history has not forgotten the foolish way in which General George Custer died, and fittingly, numerous cemeteries have been named after him.
AS FOR CRAZY HORSE, HISTORY REMEMBERS HIM TOO, WITH NUMEROUS STRIP CLUBS AROUND THE COUNTRY CARRYING HIS NAME.
It is nice to see that after all of the blood, death, and tears there is still an environment that both Judeo-Christian white men and descendents of fierce Indian warriors can enjoy together.

James Garfield was indifferent about the distinction of being the twentieth president of the United States. Those who knew him best and those who never knew him at all have debated whether he was afflicted with a bad case of Attention Deficit Disorder or if he simply had issues making up his mind. His inability to focus on any one given task was legendary. Garfield was born on November 19, 1831, in Orange, Ohio, after considering exiting the womb in several different cities.

Garfield's inability to make decisions developed when he was a young child; however, it wasn't until he entered college that it really started to show. He accepted admission into Western Reserve Eclectic Institute, seemingly the perfect place for the inattentive Garfield, considering their unique mix of studies. As expected, Garfield got bored and he transferred to Williams College in Massachusetts, where, predictably, he changed majors constantly.

Upon graduation, Garfield couldn't muster up a decision on an occupation, so he defaulted with God and became a minister at the Franklin Circle Christian Church. Quickly deciding he wasn't as religious as he first thought, he quit on God in an unsuccessful attempt to become a high school principal in Poestenkill, New York. Unsatisfied and lost, he bailed on the principal experiment to become a teacher at the aptly named Eclectic Institute for the 1856–1857 academic year. Still feeling unfulfilled, he took over as the University's president from 1857 to 1860.

In 1858, he married Lucretia Rudolph, but unable to decide on one woman, he dallied with Lucia Calhoun, and then decided he was right the first time and went back to his wife. Next, Garfield decided that the academic life wasn't for him and became a lawyer, passing the Ohio bar in 1860. Waiting for his entrance into the bar, he became unsure if legal work was for him and became an Ohio State Senator from 1859 to 1861. Confused but determined, he tried stints as a major general in the U.S. Army, a member of the U.S. House of Representatives, and a member of the Electoral Commission in 1876. Still trying to find himself, he experimented with the job of the U.S. president in 1880.

During the election of 1880, things were hotly contested. Garfield ran as the Republican nominee, and Winfield Scott Hancock ran as the Democratic candidate. Following the vote, the wiser more important Electoral College decisively installed Garfield as the president of the United States by a margin of 214 votes to 155, despite the popular vote being only 10,000 votes apart. The victory made the successful and indecisive Garfield an acting congressman, senator elect, and president elect. Obviously, Garfield liked to keep his career options open. But whether or not he would become bored with being the president, we would never find out.

If presidents received an official letter grade, Bush Jr. would get an “F,” Reagan a B+, Carter a “D,” and Garfield an “I” as he was president for only four months before being killed.
ON JULY 2, 1881, LASAGNA HATER AND LAWYER CHARLES GUITEAU SHOT PRESIDENT GARFIELD AT A TRAIN STATION.
Guiteau apparently thought he should be in line for employment in a cushy position as consul in Paris. Garfield naturally couldn't make up his mind on who should fill the position, and despite Guiteau's protests, Garfield moved on to not decide on other equally important issues. When his protestation fell on deaf ears, Guiteau made sure his last protest rang out in the form of a revolver shot. Having never before been assassinated, the new experience intrigued Garfield. He experienced both the wound and the fascination of it all for four weeks before deciding he had done it all and tried one last experience, being bored to death. Garfield died on September 19, 1881.