The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (19 page)

Friday night is traditionally date night at the White House, and April 14, 1865, was no different. President Honest Abe Lincoln got all pimped out in a Christian Dior white dress shirt, tuxedo jacket, and black top hat in preparation for taking his wife, Mary Todd, out to see the hit comedy
Our America
playing at the downtown Ford's Theatre in Washington, D.C. Ever since Lincoln was sworn in as president, he had used these types of opportunities to win favor with his wife in the hopes of getting some late-night action without having to pull out the “I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have colonial missionary-style sex with you” card.

WITH SEX WITH HIS NIMBLE MARY ON THE LINE AND THE LONG AND DEADLY CIVIL WAR AT ITS END, LINCOLN WAS SAYING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS THAT FRIDAY AFTERNOON.
He was preaching for loving, one-on-one husband-and-wife relationships filled with foreplay-rich sex, along with reconciliation with the defeated slave-owning states of the South.

Later that evening, Abe and Mary Todd arrived at the theatre with their invited guests, Major Henry Rathbone and his young and sexy bride-to-be, Clara Harris. Abe had decided earlier in the week that if Mary Todd refuted his advancements he would pull the “I'm the commander and chief and I order you to remove your clothes and let me have dirty extramarital colonial missionary-style sex with you” card on the young and attractive Harris.

The president, his not always accommodating wife, the major, and his fiancée were sitting in a private box above the theatre stage that night. Just as one of the actors on stage was delivering the hi-fucking-larious line of “Wal, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, you sockdologizing old mantrap,” John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln. With all the hysterical laughter going on throughout the theatre, Lincoln's posse did not realize that the man who was about to give black America their freedom was bleeding to death.

Once the laughter subsided, the major looked over at Lincoln and realized he was suffering from what appeared to be a non-self-inflicted gunshot wound. This assessment was further solidified when he noticed the menacing JWB standing in the private box.
AFTER PROPER INTRODUCTIONS AND AN EXCHANGE OF E-MAIL ADDRESSES, JWB JUMPED OUT OF THE BOX, CATCHING THE RIGHT SPUR OF HIS BOOT ON A FLAG.
As gravity took over, he dropped to the stage floor, breaking his left leg and shattering his New Year's resolution to exercise more.

Before limping off the stage, JWB flashed his weapon of choice and hollered out the state of Virginia's motto “Sic semper tyrannis!” meaning “thus ever unto tyrants.” Booth did not stick around to see if his words were favorably received or not. Instead, he quietly slipped out the back door and mounted his getaway horse.

With the president in bad shape, he was quickly removed from the theatre and taken to a boarding house across the street. The next morning, the gunshot wound proved to be fatal, and the sixteenth president of the United States was pronounced dead. With Lincoln dead and the assassin on the loose, John Walsh of
America's Most Wanted
announced a $50,000 bounty on the head of JWB. In addition to the manhunt, friends, relatives, acquaintances, and struggling actors who might have known JWB were all arrested and thrown into Abu Ghraib where they were forced to don dog leashes for the entertainment of the guards.

Twelve days later, on his twenty-seventh birthday, JWB was sold out by a snitch within the Union Army. After expressing his lack of interest in surrendering, JWB was shot dead by an army soldier.

Originally, the United States thought they had won the frozen, snow-covered land that topographers now refer to as Alaska in a late-night poker game. Secretary of State William Seward had bet all of the land the Native Americans had left on a second pair with top kicker. Screw it — it wasn't his land. He reasoned if he lost, he could trade for it from the Indians for a few feather necklaces and some fancy beads.

Surprisingly, the Russian Foreign Minister to the United States, Louis Baydalal, welshed on the bet and instead offered Seward one mail-order bride. Shortly after Natasha was delivered, Baydalal came clean with Seward, telling him in 1867 that Russia was low on rubles and they needed to sell the 586,412 square miles of ice. Fortunately for the desperate Russians, Seward was an excitable expansionist and blood rushed to his groin at the thought of the United States acquiring more territory, regardless of its harsh climate and distance from the contiguous states.

Focused on ensuring that the British did not acquire the land, the Russians were prepared to accept nearly any deal the United States offered. Capitalizing on Seward's shrewd negotiating skills, the United States purchased the land for $7.2 million, two pairs of jeans, and a signed Marilyn Monroe poster for the Russian Emperor Alexander II. All in all, the nearly 600,000 square-mile polar bear playground was acquired for approximately 1.9 cents an acre.

At first, the general public gave Seward props for the purchase. War-weary Americans were supportive anytime they could acquire more land without the hassle of burying the dead from another armed conflict. This sentiment, however, was not shared with everyone in the media. Some newspaper editors criticized the purchase as being a huge mistake, believing that the land was not worth taking, even if the Russians were giving it away. Several newspapers led with satirical headlines like “Seward's Folly” and “Seward's Icebox.”

Seward's critics were short lived, as a little more than three decades later, large quantities of gold were found in Alaska. This discovery made the purchase price easier to swallow, and not spit as Seward was praised for his foresight. To the disappointment of our Arab oil brokers, today Alaska produces about 20 percent of the nation's oil, with vast untapped oil reserves remaining off limits within a wildlife refuge.

Most importantly, Alaska gave 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin the foreign policy experience necessary to be president. As Palin pointed out, she governed a state that is only a short distance from Russia.
WITH ONLY SIXTEEN MILES SEPARATING THE TWO COUNTRIES' NEAREST POINTS, WHEN PUTIN VISITS THE AREA AND THE SUN SHINES JUST RIGHT, SHE CAN SEE THE WHITES OF PRESIDENT DMITRY MEDVEDEV'S PUPPET MASTERS EYES.
“Tell me if Senator Joe Biden can do that from his perch in Delaware,” she often boastfully asked during campaign stops.

Luckily for Putin, Palin and the Republicans lost the 2008 election, ensuring that when he and his comrades visit the popular sixteen miles of separation, they can continue to take bets on whether Palin has Cs or Ds hidden under her hunting vest.