The Slacker's Guide to U.S. History: The Bare Minimum on Discovering America, the Boston Tea Party, the California Gold Rush, and Lots of Other Stuff Dead White Guys Did (25 page)

It is likely Minnesota Republican congressman Andrew Volstead's heart was in the right place when he was leading the charge for the National Prohibition Act, just not his head. The “Noble Experiment,” as the Eighteenth Amendment is called, was a complete disaster — on a par with the time you suggested a threesome to your girlfriend and her best friend.

The reasons cited for enacting the Prohibition Law were to reduce crime, corruption, and poverty; solve social and morality problems; and improve the general health and hygiene of Americans. Alcohol was being blamed for everything from bad breath to violent crime. With a constitutional amendment, Volstead and his fellow legislators made it illegal to transport, sell, manufacture and most importantly consume alcoholic beverages.

On October 10, 1919, with a vote of 321–70, Congress put the wheels in motion for the complete prohibition of alcohol beginning January 16, 1920.
THE GOVERNMENT TELLING AMERICANS THEY CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL IS LIKE A PARENT TELLING A KID HE CAN'T HAVE A TELEVISION IN THEIR ROOM.
If the kid really wants a television they are going to whine, cry, and break the rules if needed to get it. So it was with adults in 1920 who wanted to have an alcoholic beverage; they were going to find a way to have it.

With the complete elimination of legal consumption of alcohol the following day, you would think most Americans who enjoyed an intoxicating beverage would go on a wild drink-till-you-throw-up binger the night before. Although many people symbolically participated in “one last night” of drinking, the reality is most people just made plans to find alternatives for acquiring their alcohol.

With the convenience of buying alcohol gone but the urge for a drink remaining equal to pre — Eighteenth Amendment levels, Americans were forced to become much more creative in how they caught their next buzz. People with excess capital in their wallets were surprised at how well they got along with the underworld. Organized crime was relentless in their efforts to make sure that Americans who wanted to drink, and could afford to drink, could find a drink.

In fact, speakeasies became all the rage for those who could afford it.

These private, members-only clubs where you could drink behind closed doors popped up everywhere. By some counts there were over 100,000 speakeasies in New York City alone. On the other hand, those who found their personal resources inadequate began creating their own home brews. They tinkered until they had some awful-tasting concoction that gave them a cheap buzz in their basement.

The good news for those who could afford to buy a drink from organized crime was that it was easily accessible. The bad news was they could get caught up in a gunfight buying it. The bootlegging industry was huge, and guys like Al Capone were enjoying the riches of supplying alcohol to the common man. Unfortunately, these high profits caused bootlegging turf wars. There were, on average, 400 murders a year related to the production and sale of alcohol in Chicago alone. Buying liquor became more than just a contact sport; it became a game of
Survivor.

Now those who could not afford to buy booze from gangsters were not safe either. They may not share the same risk as being caught in the crossfire of rival gangs when obtaining their booze that their wealthier counterparts did. No, the risk for the poor was in home-brewed moonshine. Deaths from poisoned liquor grew from 1,064 in 1920 to 4,154 in 1925. At a glance, it is easy to reason that anytime the death rate goes up 400 percent it is never a good thing.

The primary reason Prohibition was a failure was lack of financial support by the federal government. Without the proper funding, enforcement became impossible. It took thirteen years of putting Americans in the awkward position of breaking the law every time they took a sip of booze before the Constitution was amended a second time with respect to alcohol.

The Eighteenth Amendment did little to improve the quality of life of Americans, and the government suffered from not being able to tax revenue associated with the production and distribution of alcohol. As a result, on December 5, 1933, just like all the parents around the country who gave in and got their kid a 46-inch wall mounted flat screen television with HBO for their bedroom, the U.S. government voted in the Twenty-first Amendment, which effectively wiped out the eighteenth, and made producing, transporting, and consuming alcoholic beverages legal again. For most Americans, the amendments are like blackjack, and twenty-one is always better than eighteen.

Thankfully alcohol and the understanding of its pleasures extend outside of working America. Today Capitol Hill is full of legislators who enjoy downing a cocktail or two. For some, it is enough to have a glass of Merlot after “a health care for kids!” snubbing vote. For others, a mind-bending drink-till-you-can't-see binger helps to hide the shame of keeping sick kids from capable doctors. Unfortunately, what Barack Obama becoming the first blackish president of the United States proves is that anything really is possible.

With this in mind, ask yourself what would happen if the same religious zealots that have managed to get alcohol sales restricted on Sundays in some areas found their own Obama and he or she managed to pass a constitutional amendment forbidding the sale and consumption of alcohol, circa today? What would be the top ten drinking experiences that Americans would miss most? Here is our best guess.

1.  
   

2. Fridays.
   Maybe you skipped class after you shacked up with a less-than-attractive girl Thursday night, resulting in a head-down, hat-on walk of shame to get home. Or as rumors fly around the office all week about possible layoffs, you get called into your boss's office at 4:55 P.M. Friday afternoon and he tells you that as of Monday you are no longer welcome to visit the property and provides you with directions to the area's unemployment office. Not deterred, as you walk out the door for the final time, you ask the receptionist if she is interested in getting blotto and doing something (that would be you) she will undoubtedly regret later.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Cold, cold beer
   

   

    
   

3. Tailgating.
   What better way to rev up for the big game? For the most part, tailgating consists of overweight fans downing combo platters of wings, nachos, and brats. A special note to Anderson Cooper of CNN: if you tailgate in Austin, Texas, and get lucky, you may see Matthew McConaughey shirtless.
   

   Recommended Beverage: Cold Beer
   

    
   

4. Your 21st Birthday.
   Your so-called buddies pour various shots down your throat until you puke, pass out, or become a triathlete. What could be better?
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Keep switching between various liquors and beers, with a final flaming sambuca shot to get the bile going north.
   

    
   

5. New Year's Eve.
   Even though it is amateur night, the overcrowded bar scene should increase the numerator of how many people are out to get laid that night. With the alcohol flowing, it is probably your best chance of the year to find noncommittal recreational sex.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Long Island Iced Tea. After four or five of these, most members of the opposite sex will look tongue-worthy at midnight.
   

    
   

6. College Graduation.
   You just skated your way through a somewhat reputable four-year university, piling up enormous amounts of student loans. With scores of life experiences and a piece of paper to take with you, you realize that the likelihood of ever climbing out of debt is slim to none. Realizing that you are in for a lifetime of harassing phone calls from the collection agency that your student loan company will eventually turn your account over to, you are in the mood to celebrate.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Bourbon and water, topped off with a few beers to finish off the evening.
   

    
   

7. Happy Hour.
   It's five o'clock somewhere! Round up the office posse and head to the nearby watering hole for some drinks, bad karaoke, and even worse dancing.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Margaritas
   

   

    
   

8. Office Party.
   Where else can you get together a bunch of people with repressed feelings, both positive and negative, add liberal amounts of alcohol, and watch the drama unfold firsthand? Inappropriate hook-ups, office affairs revealed, slighted employees going off on their boss — nothing is better or more unpredictable. Not to mention the palpable level of discomfort on Monday.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Rum Punch and Spiked Eggnog
   

    
   

9. Weddings.
   The happy couple mockingly laughs at the country's 52 percent divorce rate — it won't happen to them. Not tonight at least! Whether you have known your date for five years or five minutes, it helps to have some liquid courage.
   

   Recommended Beverage:
   Pure grain alcohol if you can find it. If not, fill a flask with something that has plenty of kick.
   

    
   

10. Bachelor Party.
    You're sending one of your buddies off into the married world. They have found that magical someone. This alleged love of their life is someone they are willing to devote themselves to and potentially even procreate with. You superimpose an image of the couple's DNA together in your mind and wince. It's going to be a long, strange, trip.
    

    Recommended Beverage:
    Appletinis. Just kidding, unless you attended the University of Virginia. Go with top-shelf gin and tonics.
    

     
    

11. Drinking in Vegas.
    Even though you have to watch a handful of idiots get real loud every time they announce to the whole bar that they are doing another Jager-bomb, it is still the best place to get your drink on. What else are you to do when you are trading bad jokes with your friends while losing your shirt at the blackjack table? Pound an alcohol-free ginger ale when the dealer pulls out a 5 with 16 up? Not a chance. Liquid stupidity is part of the Vegas experience.
    

    Recommended Beverage:
    Crown and Coke, mixed in with some beers to keep the twenty-four-hour buzz going.