The Secret Wife (22 page)

He shook his head. “Not perfect. So far from that. I really messed up, Elissa, and I’m sorry. When I think about all the nights I was gone, all the times I left you while I worked on a case. After a while I figured out something was wrong between us, but I didn’t know how to fix it. The more you withdrew, the more I insisted that we—” He met her gaze. “I’m sorry about that, too.”

She reached up and took his fingers in hers, then lowered both their hands to the sofa cushion between them. “It was both of us.”

“Maybe.”

Her nerves had settled a bit. Even though it was too late to go back and change the past, it was nice to know that Cole had regrets, too. If only they’d had this conversation five years ago, when it could have done some good.

No, she thought. It wouldn’t have worked then. Neither of them was grown-up enough to hear it.

“Do you miss it?” she asked. “The law firm, the city?”

“Sometimes,” he admitted. “I like my work here and I love the kids, but there are days I want more of a challenge. I miss the pace of the city a little. I suppose in a perfect world I’d split my time between the two.”

She linked her fingers with his and looked at their hands. They were a study in contrasts. Tanned skin to fair, large palms to small. Yet they were right together. At least, that was her fantasy. What was his? Who was his?

“Have there been others?” she asked, not daring to look at him.

“Job offers?”

“Women.”

He leaned toward her and touched a forefinger to her chin, nudging until she raised her gaze to his. Perfect cheekbones, a bone-melting smile, eyes that promised the world. How many had tried and failed? How many had tried and succeeded?

“You’re my wife,” he told her. “I meant forever when I spoke the vows, and I’ve never gone back on my word.”

She vaguely recalled she was supposed to be seducing him, but right now this seemed more important. “Why didn’t you ask for a divorce?”

His expression shuttered. She couldn’t have said how. No muscles made obvious movement, his mouth didn’t straighten, he barely blinked. Yet he’d gone somewhere else and she hadn’t been invited along.

But he didn’t release her hand, and she clung to that thought, along with his fingers, as if her life depended upon holding fast.

The silence stretched until she could hear her heartbeat and the faint sound of their breathing. She searched her mind for something to say, anything that would change the subject and make things right between them again.

“I never wanted to be with anyone else,” he said.

She stared at him. His words filled her mind until everything else had been pushed away.

I never wanted to be with anyone else. It wasn’t a confession of love, not yet. But it was close. It was a place to start. It was the signal she’d been waiting for.

She released his hand and slid toward him. After cupping his face, she pressed her mouth against his.

This time he kissed her back without needing to be urged. This time his arms came around her, pulling her closer and keeping her safe.

She stroked his face, loving the soft skin that told her he’d taken the time to shave before coming over. She traced his ears, his jaw, the strong line of his neck, then wrapped her arms around his back and surged toward him.

They were locked together, her breasts flat against his chest, their mouths clinging and pressing and brushing in an erotic dance of discovery.

She parted her lips and he slipped inside. He’d kissed her that way before. She suspected he could do it every day for the rest of her life and she would never grow tired of the shock of his heat or the sweet shiver that rippled through her as his tongue first teased the inner skin of her lower lip before flicking delicately against hers.

There was a rightness in their embrace, a sense of homecoming. Elissa didn’t know if love was like raging fire or more like a slow burn. Either could be true. Whatever the correct definition, she knew that she loved Cole, had always loved him. He was her mate, her other half, her destiny.

He raised his head and stared at her. “You always were a great kisser.”

Pleasure flooded her. “Thank you. You’re pretty amazing yourself. Of course, I don’t have a whole lot of experience.”

He frowned. “How many guys have you kissed?”

“Kissed like this, or just family kisses?”

“Real, tongue-in-your-mouth kind of kisses.”

At his words, a jolt of awareness shot through her legs and burst between her thighs. Had he felt the same excitement when she’d talked about kissing yesterday? She eyed his damp mouth and wondered how long they could actually spend kissing each other. Would it ever get boring? She smiled at the thought. No doubt they would have to contend with a muscle cramp or starvation before boredom ever became a problem.

He shook her gently. “Elissa, you’re not listening to me. Answer the question.”

What was the question? Oh, yes, she remembered. She licked his lower lip. “Counting you?”

“Yeah.”

She drew his lower lip into her mouth and sucked it. His entire body tensed. He gripped her upper arms and set her away from him. “Will you pay attention?”

She pouted. “If I have to, although I’d rather be kissing. One.”

She slipped a hand behind his head and urged him closer.

He resisted. “One? You’ve only kissed one other guy?”

When she couldn’t reach his mouth, she settled on nibbling his jaw. It was almost as nice. “No, I’ve only kissed you.”

“Wait a minute.” He straightened and stared at her. “We didn’t start dating until you were almost seventeen.”

“I know.” She tossed her hair over her shoulders and wondered how on earth to get his attention again. She didn’t want to talk, she wanted to kiss. And maybe do other stuff. Her body felt tight and hot, her breasts throbbed, and that place between her legs was driving her crazy with its tingling and clenching and aching.

She tried to kiss him again, but he held her back.

She sighed. “If we get this settled, can we go back to kissing?”

“Yes. I want you to explain to me how come you haven’t kissed anyone else but me.”

She rolled her eyes. “This is so incredibly dumb, but okay. We met when I was ten and, despite what you say, became friends. We saw each other when I visited the orphanage and we wrote.”

“Yeah, so?”

“Oh, Cole, grow up and get a clue. I had a crush on you from the time I was twelve years old. You were seventeen and nearly a man. You knocked my socks off. I spent all my free time thinking about you, trying to get you to notice me. I mean, you did notice me, but not in a girlfriend sort of way. By the time boys started paying attention to me, I wasn’t interested. I was about fifteen or sixteen, which made you twenty. You were in college. Those high school boys didn’t have a chance. I went out with a couple, but there were no sparks. One date might have ended with a kiss on the cheek, but I can’t remember. Now, can we go back to kissing?”

“Dear God, what did I do to deserve you?” he growled, then buried his hands in her hair and dropped his mouth to hers.

Finally, she thought in satisfaction as her lips parted and he plunged inside. Her eyes fluttered closed as she concentrated all her attention on the sensations he invoked.

There wasn’t a part of her that wasn’t on fire. She remembered enjoying making out with him before, but not like this. Was it the time they’d been apart, proving the old adage of absence making the heart grow fonder?

As she squirmed to get closer, Elissa decided it wasn’t that at all. After they’d married, she’d known that kissing was going to lead to other things, things that hurt and frightened her. So she hadn’t been able to enjoy what was happening between them. Now, while she would confess to a lingering case of nerves, she wasn’t truly afraid. Armed with information and the goal of getting Cole back in her life, she wanted to take the next step in their physical relationship.

Cole broke the kiss and trailed his mouth down her chin to her neck, then lower to the scoop neck of her cap-sleeve sundress.

She’d chosen this particular dress on purpose. Not only did the deep rosé color highlight her hair and eyes, but it buttoned up the front. So if anything should happen, Cole would have easy access to her, ah…to her, well, to her. She’d never before chosen clothing based on the hopes of getting a man to make love to her, but it had been fun, if a little embarrassing. She was wearing her prettiest bra and pantie set, too, just in case.

“We should stop,” he murmured as he nibbled on a sensitive spot below her left ear.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want things to get out of hand.”

She arched her head back, giving him more room. Her breasts swelled and she leaned against him, but the pressure only increased. “Would that be so bad?” she asked.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I have a pretty good idea.”

He rested his forehead against her shoulder. “I can’t do this, Elissa. I’m just not strong enough.”

That got her attention. She leaned back and looked at him. “What do you mean? Strong enough to make love?”

“No.” He raised his head. “I’m not strong enough to take another rejection.”

Raw pain filled his dark eyes. Compassion tightened her heart, making her want to weep for him. Maybe for both of them.

“What did we do to each other?” she asked, then bit her lower lip. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that. We should have enjoyed each other. I never meant for our bedroom to become a battleground.”

“It’s my fault. If I’d figured out how to please you—”

She pressed her fingers against his mouth. “Don’t say that. I wouldn’t let you. I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and I can see a lot of the places where we went wrong. There are things we could have done before, to make it not hurt.”

He tugged her hand away and smiled. “Foreplay. I’ve heard of it.”

“Oh.” Heat flared on her cheeks, but she ignored it and kept on talking. “Well, there’s that. Foreplay. I never let you do anything. Once we started, I just wanted it over as quickly as possible. Apparently it takes some kissing and other kinds of attention for a woman to, well…”

“Become aroused?”

She cleared her throat and stared at the center of his chest. “Yes. After becoming aroused, it can still take her a while to, um…”

“Climax?”

“Right. Assuming that’s even real. My point is—”

This time he was the one to press his fingers over her mouth. “It’s real,” he said, his smile fading. “I should have done things differently. I should have made you see what the possibilities were. I’m sorry.”

“No apologies required,” she said, kissing the pads of his fingers. She brushed his hair off his forehead. “I don’t want to reject you. I can’t promise not to get nervous. I’m probably going to get all jumpy and maybe even clam up, but it’s not rejection. It’s just trying to figure out my body. I’m twenty-five years old and I don’t have a clue about what goes on ‘down there.’ I’ve read a lot in the past few days. I have some ideas, and a couple of working theories. Maybe we could go into the other room and you could help me with my homework.”

She held her breath as he considered her request. Apprehension, desire, pain and a few emotions she couldn’t read skittered across his face. There was, she realized, a more than even chance that he would turn down her offer. The thought made her wince. Then she remembered all the times she’d rejected him and knew that he had every right not to trust her.

“Is this homework assignment going to be graded?” he asked lightly, rising to his feet and pulling her along with him.

Relief made her knees weak. “I’ve heard the teacher grades on a curve.”

He put his hand on her waist, then slid it down her hip and around to her derriere. “Then you’ll get an A. You’ve got lots of curves.”

She laughed as he pulled her close. At the first touch of his mouth against hers, the humor faded. They were going to make it, she thought giddily. Cole had taken a chance on her and she was determined not to let him down.

Still kissing, they made their way into her bedroom. In a moment of boldness she’d unmade the bed, folding the comforter on the floor and pulling back the sheets. Now, as he walked her to the edge of the bed, she was glad. She didn’t want anything to get in the way of them being together. She knew they weren’t going to be perfect—not their first time after everything that had gone on before—but she wanted it to be right.

Cole released her long enough to close the door and turn off the light. As the darkness engulfed her, she had to swallow a shiver of apprehension.

“Could we leave the light on?” she asked.

“Sure.” Light filled the room. He shifted uncomfortably. “I thought you’d be more at ease in the dark.”

“I know. I would have thought so, too. But before, we always did it in the dark, and I don’t want to do things the same way. Besides, one of the books said that it would help if I saw you naked.”

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Look, Elissa, we don’t have to do this at all.”

She crossed to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Yes, we do,” she murmured. “I want you, Cole. I want to make love with you. I want to figure out how to apply all that I’ve learned so that we can both enjoy being together.” She gave him a quick smile. “So shut up and kiss me.”

He complied. How he complied. As his tongue stroked hers, her bones began to melt. His hands rubbed her back, then slipped lower. When he cupped the curves of her behind and squeezed, she arched against him. He moaned low in his throat, rotating his hips against hers.

Through the layers of his briefs and jeans, and through her dress and panties, she felt his hardness. Before, knowing he was aroused had always made her tense. Now she thought about what he might look like. She wanted to see him and touch him. Several of the books had given her ideas that she wanted to try. One had guaranteed that if she followed the technique, he would explode in her hand. She wasn’t ready for any kind of explosion, but a few moans of pleasure would be nice. She’d never been able to make him do that before. They were both overdue for the experience.

But Cole seemed in no hurry to let her have her way with him. Twice she dipped below his belt to try to touch him, and both times he pulled her hands back to his waist.