The Secret Wife (19 page)

She thought about his hand on her breast. Last night she’d gotten scared and had withdrawn because she’d started thinking too much. She’d worried about the door being open and someone walking in on them. She’d wondered what he would want her to do back. All her old fears had risen to the surface, blocking out everything she’d tried to do to create that moment with him.

She looked at Millie. “I want to make love with my husband. I want to not be afraid and I want to know what on earth I’m supposed to do.”

“Good. I suspect you don’t have anything wrong with you that can’t be cured by a little information and some practice. I assume you’ve never climaxed during sex?”

Elissa resisted the urge to dive under the table, curl into the fetal position and whimper. “No, I haven’t,” she said through lips numb with humiliation.

“Then we have a place to start. When we get back to Ojai, we’re going to go to the library together and we’re going to find you several books on sex. It sounds to me as if you and Cole had the classic problem of a terrified female virgin and an overeager male partner. Most couples manage to work out their differences, but you two got caught in a cycle that left both of you feeling inadequate.”

“That sounds right.”

Millie glanced around the room to make sure they were still alone, then leaned close. “Men are, for the most part, physical creatures. They don’t have our years of training that suppresses that part of our nature. Also, when you think about it, their sexuality is out there. If they’re turned on, it’s tough to hide. Sometimes they get embarrassed because they think they want us too much. With a little support, we can teach them that this desire is a good thing.” Millie’s blue eyes twinkled. “Right now you’re going to have to take my word on that. My point is most men need a woman to assure him that his base nature is acceptable. As I’ve told my daughters, accept the penis and you accept the man.”

Elissa swallowed hard. “Gee, there’s something I can cross-stitch on a pillow.”

Millie grinned. “It’s true. When a man feels accepted, he’ll do anything for his woman. The thing he most wants to do is please her. By pleasing her, he feels he has value in the relationship. He feels special when she wants him. For now, you have to work on making Cole think you want him. You need to get his attention.”

Elissa remembered how they’d parted last night. “He’s going to run in the opposite direction when he sees me.”

“We can break him of that. Your first homework assignment is to touch him.”

Elissa shook her head. “I’m not very good at that.”

“It’s easy,” Millie assured her. “Men love to be touched. Their favorite place is, well, you can imagine, but it’s not a good place to start. Aside from sending a rather interesting message, it’s hard to do in public.”

“What would the neighbors say?” Elissa murmured, stunned by all the information.

“Touch his arm, his shoulder, his back. Anywhere. Brush against him. Be close. You want to do two things. First, you want to be comfortable with him physically. Second, you want to get his attention in a positive way. This should accomplish both.”

Elissa nodded. “I can try that.”

The older woman grinned. “Don’t worry about opportunity. I’ll have a little chat with Jeff and we’ll organize a football game this afternoon. You can start there.”

Elissa felt overwhelmed by her task, yet revived, as if this just might be possible. “Thank you for telling me all this. I appreciate you taking the time.”

“Don’t thank me. I’m helping because I like to, and because over the past couple of years I’ve grown to care about Cole. He deserves a little happiness in his life. I always wondered why he never went out or seemed interested in anyone. Now I know why. You can win him back, if you truly love him.”

Elissa said a quick prayer that her friend was right.

* * *

“Jeff and I will be team captains,” Millie said.

Cole grinned at his assistant. “If you’re on opposite teams, then this is going to be touch football instead of tag, right?”

Millie winked. “You know me so well. I think you’ll be my first choice.”

Cole obediently stood behind her. Jeff called one of the children and so it went. Elissa waited nervously. As she’d expected, Cole had been avoiding her. She hadn’t had a single chance to put Millie’s plan into action. But the morning hadn’t been spent in vain. She’d taken a couple of hours to go for a walk on her own and really think about why she’d found it so easy to reject the physical side of her marriage.

What she’d learned hadn’t pleased her. She was starting to suspect she’d been secretly punishing Cole, using sex to make him as unhappy as she was. While she’d been willing to go to New York with him, once there, she’d missed her friends and family. She hadn’t had a life and had expected him to provide her with one. When he hadn’t, she’d wanted revenge. Sex was a powerful weapon. Unfortunately, she’d ended up punishing both of them and had, in the process, ruined something quite wonderful. Now those patterns and fears were second nature. She was going to have to learn new ones. But first she had to figure out how to touch her husband.

“I want Elissa on my team,” Jeff said.

As she moved to the right side of the field, she passed close to Cole. “We’re gonna kick butt,” she said, lightly placing her hand on his upper arm. She felt his muscles tense, then he pulled away. It was a start, she told herself, refusing to get discouraged. She had a lot to make up for. They couldn’t heal in a single afternoon.

A half hour later Millie’s plan became clear. By putting Elissa and Cole on opposite teams, they had the chance to tackle each other. Unfortunately, every time Elissa got the ball, Cole let the children run her down.

Elissa met Millie’s frustrated gaze and shrugged. They couldn’t make Cole tackle her.

Millie snapped her fingers as if she’d just had a great idea. In the huddle she gestured with her hands, then, acting as quarterback, threw the ball to Cole. As circumstances, or in this case Millie, would have it, he caught the ball about three feet from Elissa. There were no kids around, and no one else between Cole and their makeshift goal.

“Don’t even think about it,” she told her husband, and dived for him.

He paused in obvious indecision, then took a half step back. Her shoulder connected with his midsection. He was off balance and tumbled to the ground.

The football went flying. Elissa heard Shanna scream with excitement as she scooped it up and ran for the touchdown. For a second she couldn’t remember if Shanna was on her team or Cole’s. Then her body connected with his, all the air rushed out of her and she didn’t care.

She clutched her chest and gasped. Nothing happened. Her body convulsed. Cole twisted quickly, rolling into a sitting position and helping her sit up, too.

“It’s okay,” he told her, supporting her back with one arm. “You got the wind knocked out of you. You’ll be fine in a second. I know it’s scary, but you can breathe. Just relax.”

Easy for him to say, she thought, trying not to panic. She opened her mouth and finally sucked in a breath. Her lungs filled with air. She inhaled again and again.

Cole stroked her cheek. “Don’t go overboard or you’ll hyperventilate. Slowly, now. Are you hurt?”

He was so close she could see the line on his neck where smooth skin gave way to the first hint of stubble. His mouth twisted with concern. She stared up at him, feigning more weakness than she actually felt.

“I feel a little woozy,” Elissa lied, and rested her head against his chest. “Sorry, Cole. I shouldn’t have tackled you like that.”

“Hey, it’s part of the game. I’m worried about you.” A couple of the kids headed their way. Cole waved them off. “She’s fine,” he called. “Just got the wind knocked out of her. Keep on playing.”

The hand on her back stroked her from shoulders to waist. His free hand grasped hers. “Do you think you can stand?”

Ignoring the guilt and telling herself this was for a good cause, Elissa bit her lower lip and nodded tentatively. “I think so. It’s sorta hard to tell. At least I can breathe now.”

“We’ll go slow,” he promised.

He kept one arm around her and assisted her into a standing position. She allowed herself to sway toward him and was instantly caught against his hard body. This playacting would set the women’s movement back fifteen years. She sent a silent apology out into the cosmos.

“There’s a bench under that tree,” he said, motioning to a wooden seat by the edge of a path. “Can you make it?”

“If you don’t mind giving me a little support.” She tilted her head slightly. “I’m sorry, Cole. Maybe you’d rather Jeff helped me.”

He scowled. “You’re my wife, Elissa. I’ll take care of you.”

It had been a long time since anyone had wanted to take care of her. Cole had always been protective of her. Why had she forgotten that?

He assisted her to the bench and helped her sit down. Then he settled next to her, his body angled toward hers, her hand clasped in his.

“Everything feel all right?” he asked. “Nothing sprained or broken?”

“I’m just a little shaken,” she said, and tightened her fingers around his. With her other hand she squeezed his forearm. He looked surprised, but didn’t pull back. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Millie give her a thumbs-up. Obviously the older woman approved of her tactics.

A shiver caught her attention. It shot up her arm and settled in her belly. She realized his thumb was brushing back and forth across her palm. As he was watching the football game, Elissa doubted he even noticed what he was doing. Her breath caught in her throat, but this time it came from a rush of affection, not from a body blow. The impact was just as startling. At that moment if Cole were to ask her if she could stand, she could honestly tell him no, because her knees were too weak.

The trembling had nothing to do with any injury and everything to do with awakening desire…for her husband.

Chapter Twelve

E
lissa adjusted the pillows behind her and stared at the book resting on her lap. Who would have thought there was a whole world out there that she’d never known about? Especially considering she’d been married and living with a man.

She glanced at the other books stacked next to her. As promised, Millie had come with her to the library and helped her pick out several books to study. Humiliatingly, one of them was written for teenagers, complete with detailed sketches and photographs, and was all about the basics of sex. When she’d protested, Millie had informed her that until Elissa knew what Cole’s and her anatomy looked like there was no way she was going to figure out where it all went.

Until she’d opened the book and stared openmouthed, she hadn’t realized how little she’d seen her husband naked. At her request, they’d always made love in the dark. He’d convinced her to shower with him a couple of times, but she’d been too embarrassed to enjoy the experience and had spent most of her time trying not to look at him.

Now, as she read the books and added to her list of questions for Millie, she felt a sense of regret. According to what the experts said, looking was half the fun. She had to admit, that thinking about it now was sort of exciting. She’d always enjoyed watching Cole move around a room, taking pleasure in his strength and grace. She liked the breadth of his shoulders, his well-formed hands, his legs. Why wouldn’t she have liked the rest of him? She refused to believe she could take a marking pen and draw a line across his body, naming one part of him beautiful and another part of him hideous. She loved every bit of him, inside and out. His soul, his heart, even his anatomy made him the man who had stolen her heart.

She remembered what Millie had said about loving the “maleness” as much as the man himself. One of the books from the library had said the same thing. That a man’s sense of self-worth was influenced by a woman’s acceptance or lack of acceptance of that most intimate part of him.

Elissa smiled as she realized that even alone in the privacy of her bedroom she wouldn’t allow herself to think the P word, let alone say it.

“It’s just a word,” she said aloud. “It describes something. How on earth do you expect to touch it if you can’t even say it?”

She sucked in a breath. “Penis,” she whispered, then shot a guilty look around the room. When lightning didn’t strike her dead, she laughed.

If she hadn’t been blushing, she might have pronounced herself cured.

She flipped through the book on her lap. She finally had a reasonable understanding of her body and its workings. Unlike a male body, it was more difficult to tell when she was interested in sex. There was no obvious display of arousal, although according to these authors there were distinct signs. She’d never noticed any of them, but then, she’d never known what to look for before.

Thinking back to the kiss she and Cole had shared last week, she realized she had been aroused. If he’d touched her between her legs he would have felt the telltale wetness.

A shiver rippled through her at the thought of him stroking her there. She closed her eyes and grimaced. All those years before, she’d urged Cole to hurry. When he’d wanted to linger over the very things that would have made her enjoy their sexual relationship, she’d told him to get on with it. No wonder she’d occasionally found penetration painful. No wonder she’d never felt the tingling or tension of approaching release. She’d been so determined to disconnect herself from what was going on, she hadn’t given either of them a chance.

Was it too late? She was determined to make sure it wasn’t. She and Cole deserved happiness and she believed with all her heart that they belonged together. Therefore, they were going to have to make it work.

She picked up another book and turned to the first chapter. She was going to learn all she could so that when the opportunity showed itself, she would be ready.

Just like school, she told herself. Only this time, while the reading material might make her uncomfortable, the homework was going to be heaven.

* * *

Cole couldn’t concentrate. It was a common condition these days, he reminded himself, and he might as well get used to it. Unfortunately, there was still work to be done, whether he could focus on it or not. Maybe he should think about spending more time at his office in Ojai. He usually hated to do that because it kept him away from the kids, but he was beginning to think he didn’t have a choice. It was either be away from them or not get any work done at all.