The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay - Volume 1: Gallery of Rogues (2 page)

After dressing, there came weapons. Thaddeus preferred to wield a black cane with a gold ball at the hilt. An object of his design, the ball detached from the cane revealing a chain betwixt the two, transforming a simple staff into a handy flail whenever it was required. For an ordinary man, it would be enough to dispatch the cruelest crook handily, but Thaddeus was no ordinary man, so he also wore a bandolier, hidden behind his opera cape, containing glass vials of every incapacitating gas, power, and potion known to civilized man.

Mary Jane, on the other hand, wielded an umbrella. What was its special function? Nothing. It was merely an umbrella. But thanks to the years of childhood training she spent under the mystical grand master Crane of Te Rah Ning, it was the only weapon she needed.

Emerging from their dressing corners dressed in such elaborate costumes and wielding such weapons, it was obvious that the two standing side-by-side in the basement were no longer Thaddeus and Mary Jane Hedwater. Instead, they took on their chosen identities as silent protectors of the city of London: The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay.

O O O

Soon enough, the pair of intrepid crime fighters found themselves on a tall rooftop overlooking all of London. The Derby searched through a pair of antique binoculars while Midnight Jay glanced with her antique spyglass in search of Silas Monstrosity or the missing nitroglycerin.

“Do we know what we’re looking for, dear?” The Jay queried, glancing down at her scarlet-draped husband momentarily from the spyglass.

“We’re just going to have to keep an eye out for anything suspicious,” The Derby replied.

“Suspicious? At night? In London? We may be looking for a while…”

Suddenly, the Derby perked up from his binoculars, making an audible stiff in the air. “Hm, I detect a slightly strange odor in the air. Acidic. Slightly metallic…”

“Don’t tell me: you’ve been in that lab so long you’re beginning to sense chemicals by smell now.”

“Seriously, dear, inhale a moment…” The Derby offered. The Jay smelled the air. Indeed there was a rather strong chemical scent. The duo looked down from their building to see they stood several miles above an open manhole cover. “It could only be for ventilation.” The Derby reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, which he tied over his nose and mouth. Once the Jay did the same with her handkerchief, the two descended the building into the London sewer.

After just a few steps into London’s underbelly, the two came to a halt a few feet behind the backs of a pair of thugs guarding the entry to the caverns just beneath the Palace of Westminster. Obviously they were Silas’ henchmen, as evidenced by their black bandit masks and gray sweaters with the words “Henchman” written across the chest.

Silently, the Derby pulled a vial from his bandolier and signaled to the Jay. She knew the drill at this point: He’d throw the vial containing knockout gas at the two thugs, incapacitating them, and then the two would move on.

He tossed the vial.

It crashed at the henchmen’s feet.

The two henchmen inhaled the wafting gas and suddenly began to snicker, and then wail in resounding hysterics. Quickly, the Jay sprang into action, clubbing the laughing henchmen with her parasol, and then yanking him backwards by the neck causing the two to slam heads, knocking them both out cold.

Lowering her kerchief she looked exasperated towards her husband and playfully chided. “You have your bottles mixed up again.” The Derby silently winced at the tiny prickle to his pride before the two proceeded down the cavern.

Eventually, they’d wandered far enough down the halls of the sewer to come across something truly suspicious: a glass beaker standing at least fifteen feet tall filled almost to the brim with the stolen glycerol. Also, there were what seemed to be a dozen henchmen climbing a wooden platform around the beaker holding a giant glass test tube containing the nitrate that would complete the reaction.

Standing at the foot of the platform, a man shouted “Careful you fools! One wrong turn with that test tube and we’ll all be rightly disintegrated into atoms!” Indeed this was the man they were looking for: Silas Monstrosity. He was as grotesque as his name suggested, standing at least eight feet tall with a wide sloping brow, a clasping jaw filled with jagged teeth, and a muscular structure that suggested more gorilla than man, all of which was crammed into an ashy brown vest and jodhpurs as well as expert tailoring could possibly permit.

“Uhm, sir?” a voice, belonging to yet another identically dressed henchman spoke at Silas’ side. “Do you think that perhaps this is a little….Dangerous? Couldn’t we all have just stolen all of the dynamite in the armory instead?”

“Piffle,” Silas dismissed. Though he looked not unlike The Missing Link, he still spoke with a voice as proper as any of The Queen’s countrymen. “Kingdoms are not conquered by inventions made by pacifists like Nobel. Now hurry up and help those other men bring up the undercarriage!”

“Yes sir, Mister Monstrosity.”

“Oh, and tell those two hiding on the corner to take their ruddy fingers out of their ears!”

As they hid in the darkness of the distant sewer hallway, The Derby marveled “The reasoning behind his madness is just diabolical.”

“I’m afraid I have to agree with you, dear.” The Jay drolly replied. “Do we have a plan?”

“We fight our way to the platform. Then, I can use a compound I’ve put in my belt to neutralize the glycerol.”

“I was hoping there was more to it.”

“I’m afraid not. Let’s go.” The Derby led the charge, taking two guards out instantly by swatting his cane, first into the head of the first random henchman, then the brisket of the second. With a clear view of this scheme’s mastermind, he called him out. “Silas Monstrosity, consider your nefarious scheme properly thwarted!”

Silas callously looked away from his work onto The Derby. “Well-well, it looks like the sideshow came to pay me a visit.” He raised into view a cane of his own, drawing from the handle a rapier, and began to circle The Derby holding it at the ready.

“Yes, well, I’m quite sure you’re used to seeing things from behind bars.” The Derby retorted, holding his staff ready for fencing.

“I’d rather sit in a cage than be caught loose in that gaudy outfit. I suppose you-“

“Gentlemen, would you kindly begin fighting now?” The Jay shouted from a distance. One could clearly see, in the interim of the two men’s insults, The Jay had quite thoroughly beaten the ugly out of every single one of Silas’ henchmen. Now she was patiently awaiting the inevitable.

“Yes, sorry to keep you waiting.” The Derby crossed his staff with Silas’ sword. “So…” He struggled “Precisely what did you plan to use the nitroglycerin for?”

“I was planning on holding Big Ben for ransom, and threaten The Queen into giving me the crown jewels.”

The Derby sneered, clashing a few more times with Silas’ sword. “Who could have guessed you were capable of such malodorous depths?”

“I could have guessed!” The Jay shouted.

“Enough!” With a burst of strength, Silas thrust his blade hard enough to knock The Derby on the ground. He then ran to the vat, wrapping his fingers across a chain that dangled from the platform. “I may not get the jewels, but at least I’ll be rid of you two costumed cretins!” He yanked the chain, laughed maniacally, and then ran off.

From his seated position, The Derby glanced up to see the giant vial containing the nitrous extract tip towards the beaker. “He’s set the bomb! What should we do!?”

“Quickly, dear! The compound!” The Jay began to run towards the beaker. Thinking quickly, the Derby tossed her the vial containing the neutralizer. Using her agility, The Jay planted feet up the side of the glass beaker, reaching high enough to catch the vial, and dunk it in the solution.

There was an explosion.

Fortunately though, it was chemical.

The compound had fortunately kicked in just in time to save the duo, leaving them covered head-to-toe in a soggy brownish paste. The Jay wiped the remnants from her face, sputtered and said “Dear, what exactly is in this compound?”

“Yeast.”

“Yeast, dear?”

“Yeast.” The Derby removed his hat, using the brim to scrape gobs off of his suit. “I’m afraid I may have the bottles mixed up again.”

“Well, I suppose that I should be grateful we’re alive, even if Silas did get away.” She gave another sigh. “For the life of me I’ll never understand why you always take such insane risks.”

The Derby shook his head. “You decided to join me in this…eccentric little crusade, wear that costume, and yet you don’t understand?”

“Oh, I understand why
I
wear the costume,” The Jay replied. “Sometime,
You
should favor me with the reason why
you
do.”

“I should…” The Derby admitted after cleaning himself up as well as he could with his bare hands. “Later. For now though, I think there’s a chemical shower waiting for us back home.”

“Lead the way dear.” The Jay said curtly, taking her husband’s shoulder. As they walked through the sewers together, she thought for a moment about what the commissioner told her. Was Thaddeus Hedwater just some eccentric little American boy playing with a chemistry set, and if she were to stay with him, could she possibly get hurt?

Perhaps.

But for the moment, she decided, she wouldn’t trade him for anything.

The Three-Headed Mob

The strange circumstances started where most people’s days end: In the parlor, drinking tea, as Thaddeus J. Hedwater, and his wife, Mary Jane made a polite evening for their guest Chief Constable Howard O’Gratin. Their previous date for tea was sadly cut short. First there was a small explosion, which Thaddeus had caused in his basement workshop, then there was the threat of a larger explosion, caused by arch-criminal Silas Monstrosity. He had attempted to destroy Big Ben using several gallons of stolen nitroglycerin. Fortunately for the city, The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay had intervened, and brought with them a chemical that was able to neutralize the volatile weapon in time.

“Most of my men are still down in the sewers scraping that goopy concoction The Scarlet Derby left about the walls,” The Constable said between sips of tea. “I wonder what had gotten mixed in with the nitrate to cause such a reaction.”

“Perhaps it was yeast?” Thaddeus offered. Indeed, while disguised as the Scarlet Derby, Thaddeus had thrown a vial of yeast in the nitrate. He had originally developed another chemical compound that would have done the trick a bit neater, but in the heat of the moment the two heroes had thrown in the yeast instead.”

“Piffle,” the constable replied “A common household compound like yeast would not react that way. As a professional chemist, you would know that.”

“Well, perhaps The Scarlet Derby simply got lucky this time,” Mary replied with her lips still hovering very close to her tea cup. Her husband grimaced, and slouched back in his chair with crossed arms.

“Well, at any rate, the city indeed owes a great debt to The Derby,” The Constable stood and went for his coat and cap. “I appreciate you re-scheduling our little tea-time, but I’m afraid I must be going.”

“Already working on another case, Constable?” Mary Jane asked curiously.

“I’m afraid so. It’s the strangest thing as well: Belle’s Tea House at the bottom of Cocoa Road was left in shambles at the growth of some giant beanstalk.”

Mary Jane gave a gasp “The devil you say!”

“I would HOPE to say the devil,” The Constable replied “But I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It was indeed a giant green vine which just sprouted through the middle of the shop. We suspect it’s just a freak natural disaster, but nonetheless we must investigate.”

With that, the Constable tipped his cap at the two of them and walked out the front door.
As he left, Mary Jane felt The Constable’s words eat at her. Was The Scarlet Derby really the only one responsible for saving the day? She certainly remembers helping. Maybe it was just his oversight.

"Dear," Mary Jane addressed her husband "Do you think the Constable was aware that Midnight Jay was also at the scene of the rescue?"

Sadly, Thaddeus had completely ignored what Mary Jane had suggested with her question, for
no sooner than the door shut did his deductive mind tinker with the anomaly the Constable had discussed. “There is no possible way that was a natural disaster.”

Mary Jane scoffed, “Do you suspect little boy Jack of the book with the giant has taken to hitting tea houses?”

“I suspect that in reality beanstalks don’t usually grow tall enough to cause such collateral damage, unless they were acted on by some sort of man-made, at-will, instantaneous mutation.”

“I agree with you on that,” Mary Jane replied “But why, of all places, would a supposed plant-mutating criminal damage a small tea house?”

“Because of the tea,” Thaddeus replied simply.

“They wouldn’t care to just walk in and buy a cuppa?” Mary Jane asked drolly.

Thaddeus took to explaining a bit more patiently, “Tea is one of England’s most beloved commodities. Imagine if, at some point, some megalomaniacal fiend decided to destroy tea factories across the nation and create artificial shortages to drive prices up. I say, it’s practically a recipe for total economic takeover!”

“I think your imagination may be running away with you, dear...”

“Well, if we expect to get to the bottom of this case, we’d best run away along with it!” Thaddeus made a beeline for his basement workshop, where he would change into costume. With a reluctant shrug, Mary Jane quickly came after.

O O O

And so, Thaddeus Hedwater and his wife Mary Jane were soon exploring the streets in the guise of The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay. They had originally planned to head straight for the street The Constable had mentioned, but ended up only going as far as the corner of their own block, when something immediately suspicious caught their eye.

The Derby asked “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?”

“I certainly hope I’m not, dear,” Replied the Jay.

Unfortunately for them, they were indeed staring at precisely the same thing. Standing at the end of the block was a green plant, which seemed to stand several miles tall with its multiple branches splaying out in every direction. Looking upwards, they could see the torn-apart remains of a small cottage mingling among the mighty plant’s branches.