The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay - Volume 1: Gallery of Rogues (10 page)

The Jay nodded, and moved into his embrace, gripping him by the waist until they’d safely returned to the ground.

Monstrosity Returns

Mary Jane Hedwater had put the tea set in the parlor, and took to pouring out the cups just as her husband Thaddeus began to walk up the steps from his workshop. Primly sitting down in the opposite chair, she sat upright. Her husband crossed to his chair and flopped down, leaving his right leg draped over his parlor seat’s right arm.

Mary Jane, annoyed at the odd way her husband sat, patiently took a sip of tea and stated “Something seems to be weighing on you, dear.”

“Does it show?” Thaddeus replied, unmoved from his bizarre position, he reached forward and dropped a couple of lumps of sugar into his cup.

“Well,” Mary Jane paused and searched for the most patient words she could “you have a nasty tendency to act a little strange when you’re distracted.”

Thaddeus sat back and stirred his cup of tea using the tongs from the sugar bowl. “Distracted? I’m not distracted.”

Mary Jane gave a sigh, “Anyway, I don’t know what could be bothering you: it’s been a whole week and we haven’t heard news of any new villainous acts around town.”

“Well, let’s just say I’m expecting a very special visitor to drop by pretty soon.”

“Which guest, dear?”

“Silas Monstrosity...”

Mary Jane wrinkled her nose at the very suggestion. “You didn’t perchance invite Silas Monstrosity for tea, did you?”

“Of course not,” Thaddeus shook his head, “But it’s been a month since he attempted to set that nitroglycerin bomb underneath Big Ben. I’ve managed to deduce that his attempts to cause mayhem usually come a month apart from one another.”

“Well if you’ve deduced that much, why can’t you predict where he could strike next?”

“Because he’s just so darned unpredictable,” Thaddeus wrenched a finger about in his hear as he spoke. “Who can possibly imagine the sinister designs that a criminal madman is going to take?”

“Well,” Mary Jane cleared her throat before she continued “We know why he attempted to blow up Big Ben, don’t we?”

“He wanted to hold the city ransom for the crown jewels?” Thaddeus straightened himself from the slovenly way he was sitting and began to listen.

“And why did he turn loose the horses at Churchill Downs?”

“He wanted to cause a distraction and kidnap Princess Alexandra...”

“Okay now,” Mary Jane continued in a matter-of-fact tone. “What had he done the month before that?”

“Let me think.” Thaddeus paused for a moment. “As I recall, he disguised himself as a member of parliament in order to vote himself the lead coordinator of a parade for the Duchess of Cleveland, and then drive off with her trapped in a decorated carriage.”

“Are you not seeing a pattern, dear?”

“That Silas Monstrosity has an irrational hatred for public events?”

“No, no,” Mary Jane dismissed. “Every time Silas commits a crime he targets some member or symbol of the Royal Family.”

Thaddeus nearly leaped from his chair “By godfrey, darling, you may just be right! So then, what we would need to do is go through his record at the police station and determine why he is so enraged by the royals!”

Mary Jane stood up, arms forward in hopes to be embraced by her now impassioned husband. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he simply darted back down to his workshop fast enough for Mary Jane to feel the wind pull back the hem of her dress.

O O O

And so, in the guise of The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay, the two found themselves at the front door of Scotland Yard, where they would meet up with their longtime friend and associate, Chief Constable Howard O’Gratin.

“It’s good to see the two of you,” The Constable replied, “Yet I can only imagine it is because something terrible is about to be wrought on the streets of London.”

“We come not to warn about what is to be wrought, but to write a wrong before it is wrought-en!” The Derby replied in a valiant tone of voice.

“I beg your pardon?” The Constable replied.

The Jay swiftly took to clarifying, “What the Derby is TRYING to say is that we could bring an abrupt end to the actions of a well-known criminal mastermind. All we would need from you is access to your criminal files.”

“Oh, yes. Of course you may look at the files. The record room is near the back. Have a chat with our new record keeper. I believe his name is Rudd Clupidae. He has only started yesterday, so bear with him if he has trouble with your file.”

Bidding their friend farewell, The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay went to the records room and immediately ran into Rudd Clupidae. He was a tall fellow, with a shock of bright red hair, a wrinkled face, and a mouth curled into a pleasant smirk.

“We’d like to see the record for Silas Monstrosity, please.” The Derby declared.

“Oh yes, I have it right here.” Rudd reached under the desk and pulled out what was a once leather-bound file, which now looked like a barely bound pile of papers as tall as three copies of Tolstoy’s
War and Peace
glued together. As The Derby gawked at its sheer size Rudd asked “Will there be anything else for you, Mister Derby?”

“No, that will do sir, thank you,” The Derby said nervously, and Rudd wandered away.

“Is something weighing on you, dear?” The Jay asked.

“There was something strangely familiar about that man,” The Derby replied.

“You’ve likely just seen him around the precinct,” The Jay dismissed.

“Indeed, although The Constable said he’d only started yesterday…”

As the Derby and Jay poured through the very vast documentation made regarding the many crimes of Silas Monstrosity, Rudd Clupidae walked out of the back door of the records room. Once out of sight of the heroic pair he chortled sinisterly and wrung his hands.

“All is going according to plan. As soon as those do-gooders see what I’ve added to that record, I’ll have them, and the royal family, precisely where I want them.” Reaching at his nose, Rudd tugged away at his face. The facial features, constructed of molded and hardened bees wax, fell away in large chunks as the mask of the man assumed to be Rudd Clupidae was revealed to be the ghastly Silas Monstrosity.

“It’s time to put the third phase of my plan into action. For once in my entire wicked career I’ll be happy to be caught in the act by The Scarlet Derby.”

With that, the incurable cretin dashed down the street, chortling to himself all the way.

Back in the records room, The Derby and The Jay went over hundreds of case records, scrutinizing every little detail of their arch enemy’s past crimes in search of a common motive.

“I hope that all this research isn’t too much of a burden on you, dear,” The Jay said concernedly.

“Nonsense,” The Derby replied “Why, these records practically read like a story of our countless domination over that old villain. Look, here’s the time we thwarted his attempt to sabotage a dedication outside the Wombat Candy Factory, where we ended up dunking him in inside a vat of semi-solid butterscotch.”

“Truly a sticky situation,” The Jay agreed.

After poring over many more documents, The Jay found herself with a very official looking paper in her hands. It was printed in green ink on hand-pressed paper with gold leaf trim along the border. She turned to her husband with the document. “What do you make of this one, dear?”

The Jay took the paper in his hands and turned it sideways-then upside down, in his attempt to examine it. “It looks like some sort of birth certificate. It says ‘Lo on this day, November twelve, year of eighteen-fifty-six, do we dedicate the birth of Silas Ingrid Haversham, second born child to the Countess Nelle de Nodont.’”

The Jay gave a gasp. “That’s impossible!”

“Indeed,” The Derby replied “Who in their right mind would give their son the middle name Ingrid?”

“No, don’t you understand? This means that Silas Monstrosity is a rightful heir to the court of the Countess of Nodont! It all makes sense: his numerous crimes towards members of royalty have been because he’s never been able to secure his own rightful place as a royal.”

The Derby scoffed “He must have fallen out of that family tree and hit every branch on the way down.”

“Oh dear,” The Jay said worriedly. “We’ve had Silas all wrong this whole time. He’s obviously a lost soul longing for acceptance from his true family. What could we possibly do to make up for it?”

“We do what we always do: the right thing!” The Derby declared “All we will need is an opportunity.”

Just then the door to the records room burst open, The Constable was on the other side. “Uh, excuse me for interrupting, but you’re much needed! Silas Monstrosity is as we speak standing on the edge of the London Bridge! He’s tied to a boulder and is threatening to jump!”

“You wouldn’t he rather?” The Derby asked coyly.

“This is our chance, dear.” The Jay said as she dragged the Derby out of the room.

O O O

And so the duo rushed to the bridge where they found their arch-enemy with a boulder tied around his waist, prepared to end it all by throwing himself the waters below London Bridge.

“Stop!” The Derby cried out “Silas, if you proceed to exterminate yourself I’ll be forced to-“

“Do what, dear?” The Jay asked.

“I don’t know. How are you supposed to punish this sort of action?”

The Jay shook her head, “I think I should handle this one.” She walked towards the bridge to address Silas Monstrosity, though he still kept his back turned. “You can’t do this, think of all of the things you have to live for.”

“There is nothing for me in this world, Midnight Jay.” Silas lamented. “My only regret is not having done this regretful deed ages ago.”

“We know one thing you possess in this world, Silas.” The Jay took the gift certificate from her husband’s pocket and unrolled it for Silas to see. “You have a family. You’re the direct descendant of the Duchess Nelle De Nodont.”

“You think I don’t know that!?” Silas shouted, emotion welling in his throat. “But they abandoned me as a child. Just… Just…Look at me! I’m a deformed beast! I’m a criminal monster of a man! No family of royals would ever accept someone as hideously malformed as me as one of their own…”

“I think he has us there,” The Derby said slyly.

“Nonsense,” The Jay said dismissing her husband, and turned back towards Silas. “I promise, Silas, that if you step off that ledge, we shall take this document to the fairest court in London and make certain you will be put in your rightful place within the royal family.”

Silas looked away, at the boulder tied to his leg, and gave a hard nod, “Well, if you really think you can. Then it is indeed worth a try.

The Jay helped to untie the rope from his leg, and the trio of heroes and villain went immediately to the court of Edimus Pharse, known through London as the finest judge in the land. The judge sat upon his stand, adjusting his glasses and examining the birth certificate in his hand.

“I must say it baffles me why the two of you would help this man,” The judge spoke, “the last time the three you appeared in my court, this man was in shackles, and you were vouching for his sentencing as an incurable criminal.”

“But we can’t ignore new evidence, your honor.” The Jay replied.

“As much as we’d like to,” The Derby said under his breath.

“Silas Monstrosity is indeed the lost son of the Court of Nodont,” The Jay continued. “All his crimes to this point have been an angry backlash against an aristocracy he believes does not care for him. We plead the court to give him another chance.”

The Judge hung back in his bench, his mind hard at work over this conundrum. “Well, as true as this may be, I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to do much for him unless a representative of the Court of Nodont would be willing to take him back.”

Suddenly, the doors to the courtroom burst open. In walked what appeared to be a mountainous woman, both in wide girth and possessing an enormous pair of biceps. She had black hair, plump lips and a brown mole on her right cheek. She was crammed into a plum colored evening gown that seemed to strain at the cuffs of her arms and neck, the corset tied around her waist straining to contain it all.

To anyone else, this may have been a peculiar sight, but the judge, The Scarlet Derby, and Midnight Jay all knew that this was Wilhelmina, the current Duchess of Nodont. Now that The Derby had seen her and Silas in the same room, he could admit there certainly was a family resemblance.

“Oh thank you!” she bellowed and rushed to the center of the court, grabbing Silas in a bear hug. “Thank you for finding my long lost baby brother! I have been so worried sick about him!” She showered him with kisses.

The Jay mused at the sight. Her entire life she’d never seen a villain like Silas seem so desperately to want to run away.

The Derby turned to the court and said out of the corner of his mouth “I suppose this makes for a closed case.”

The Judge gave a nod and banged his gavel. “Silas Monstrosity, er, rather, Silas Haversham, you are hereby exonerated of all your previous crimes and released into the custody of the Royal Court of Nodont.”

“And may God have mercy on all our souls,” The Derby added.

“Mind your manners, dear,” The Jay replied.

The Derby and Jay exited the court, followed moments later by Silas and the Duchess. Once out of earshot from the superheroes, Silas leaned to his sister and murmured. “I hope you’re willing to keep your end of the bargain.”

“I am,” the duchess replied “As long as you’re willing to keep up yours.”

O O O

Their good deed done, The Scarlet Derby and Midnight Jay returned to their civilian identities. Sitting back in their parlor, Mary Jane worked on a little dusting while Thaddeus sat in the living room. After nearly an hour of fixing up the house Mary Jane saw her husband, unmoved from his space on the couch and walked over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You still seemed troubled, dear.”

“What makes you say that this time?” Thaddeus replied.

“Your feet are on the ottoman,” Mary Jane informed.

“Is there something odd about that?”