The Rookie (Racing On The Edge #7) (32 page)

“I love you too, E. I do. And this is me giving you a chance. Us a chance. You’re not entirely to blame. I was pulling away because I didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know how to stop what was happening to us. I got lost myself.” It seemed my feelings just started flowing and I told him everything. “I didn’t realize what was happening with me traveling with Rager before I got wrapped up in feeling something other than sadness and pressure. I’m sorry.”

Easton didn’t say anything more, I’m not sure he could. It was hard for him to hear that.

I’m glad Rager stopped us that night because if he hadn’t, Easton and I wouldn’t have made it. I know that. There would have been no going back. I was too far gone at that point but Rager saw it and he was right. It would have changed everything. And hurt so many.

I’ve never enjoyed New York. When I was younger it was new and exciting but as I got older, I liked it less and less. Now I couldn’t stand going there.

That year with Easton was different. Maybe because I wasn’t thinking about all the people and everything I hated about the city. I was focused on one and making it work. I wanted Easton to know I was there for him.

Kyle and I were sitting at the table in the audience at the NASCAR Cup series awards banquet while Brody and Lexi sat proudly on the stage. He’d won the championship by wins. When there’s a tie breaker, which there was, the title goes to the driver with the most wins. Brody had twelve and Easton had eleven.

“Can a normal marriage really work through this lifestyle? I see all these families here and somehow these people are making it work.”

“Don’t ask me.” Kyle laughed sipping his drink. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

It’s not easy living this lifestyle. Not everyone can stand that test on their relationship and the time away from each other. Even the best marriages fail at times.

Me leaving Easton was on impulse. I saw something. I left.

Was it good for us?

Yeah, I think so. I never asked for a divorce and neither did Easton. We just needed time. Eventually we found our way back to one another.

Did I still think about Rager?

Yes. I couldn’t help it. I would forever have feelings for him and Easton understood that. He didn’t like it but he understood.

I couldn’t say I would ever act on those feelings because I finally understood it wasn’t just me I was hurting leading him on that way.

The commotion of the ceremony around me drew my attention. Inhaling a deep breath that wasn’t exactly possible in the tight dress I was in, I smiled at the stage when I saw Easton. My hands went to the necklace around my neck he gave me this morning. It was a sliver chain with a platinum sparkplug on the end of it. He said it had meaning and I would find out during his speech.

My heart was in my throat when he appeared from the shadows dressed in that black tux.

The announcer stepped up to the microphone. “He’s following the footsteps and in the seat of an American legend. It’s hard to live up to it but if anyone can, it’s this young man as he proved that this year. Earning a title in both the Nationwide series and Craftsman Truck series, and your second place finisher in the NASCAR Sprint Cup series, Easton Levi.”

Collected whistles and clapping rung through the room as Easton approached the podium.

When he got there, his eyes scanned the crowd and landed on me when he spoke. “This wasn’t easy and I can tell you right now, I will never go for all three again.”

Everyone laughed.

“I wanted to beat the greatest. I never had the chance to race with my team owner back when he made his mark in history and I think a lot of us are glad about that.” More laughs and nods were seen all around, my dad beside me smiled but said nothing. “Jameson Riley isn’t a legend if you ask me. He’s an icon in this sport. Everyone knows his name. He’s a person so inspirational, and sometimes controversial that you either love him, or you can’t stand him. That changes daily for some of us who work with him.” Dad shook his head, his shoulders shaking with laughter as Kyle pointed his finger at Easton nodding his head as if he said exactly what everyone was thinking.

Easton sighed, the motion visible from twenty feet away. His hands went to the edges of the podium where they wrapped around it. His head bent forward for a moment, his eyes low before looking up again. “I went for the title and I didn’t make it for all three. But going for it gives you pride. It gives you a sense of accomplishment that you tried it. You’re no longer saying I wish I would have done that. You’re saying I can’t believe I did that.” He wore a smile of contentment as he spoke and I understood why he did it now.

You have one life and it rarely goes as planned. Well, the decisions you make aren’t. There’s things you want to try and maybe you do. But there’s that fear too, that fear deep inside you that maybe this won’t happen exactly as you thought. Easton ignored that fear and did something for himself. The impossible as everyone said. He didn’t do it for me, or his parents to prove to them that he could, or to finally show them this wasn’t a hobby. He did it for himself. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. Even when you’re married, sometimes you just need to do something for yourself. Like spending four months with your mother and seeing that even though life is happening around you, it’s the little things that count.

“It’s funny when you get married, suddenly you have to ask yourself if it’s worth it.” Easton said, drawing my attention again. “You wonder if the risk is worth it. Some risks aren’t worth it. I know that now. But then again, some are. To win, you need all the aspects of a race and your car to work. Even so much as a missing spark plug can ruin your season.” He looked at me and winked.

I smiled, knowing exactly what he meant. I felt the tears well up in my eyes and smiled at him.

“I need to thank all my sponsors, Simplex Shocks and Springs, CST Engines, JAR Racing, Sharp Suspension, Solar Seals and mostly, Jameson Riley for giving me a chance. I’m sure he’s wanted to kick my ass a time or two but I’m very thankful for who he’s given me, and what he’s given me.”

Dad looked over at me when Easton said that and smiled, his hand wrapped gently around my mom’s. We both understood what Easton meant by that. It takes a lot to be “approved” by my dad. He’s not easily persuaded or impressed by much of anything. I’m the same way. But I could tell you right then Easton was approved by my dad and had been from day one.

The banquet fell into a steady pace as it usually did, each driver giving their recognition and appreciation for how they did and what they accomplished.

My attention shifted to Easton and the way he watched me. It was as if he wanted to remember this night in his career. But not for the fact that this was something most race car drivers only dream of but that I was there for him.

Contenders conference – This is a press conference of the top three finishers with selected media directly following the conclusion of a race.

When we got back from New York, dad and Tate threw a Christmas party for everyone at Riley-Harris Racing and the JAR Racing boys crashed it.

I saw Rager again that night and it wasn’t easy. I had a feeling it never would be.

My chest felt the weight when I saw that familiar blue staring at me and I wanted to hug him, but didn’t. He was the one thing I needed to stay away from for now. For his and Easton’s sake.

Dad was in front of the boys giving the members of Riley-Harris Racing a speech. He’s good at the speeches. Easton sat beside me, his hand in mine leaned slightly to the right in his chair to touch my shoulder with his. These days we were inseparable, much like in the beginning of our relationship.

“We had some disagreements this year but I’m proud of you, Easton.” Dad said, raising his beer to him, a smile so sincere you believed every word he said. “When I met Easton, one of the first things he asked me was how does it feel to win that much. At first I thought to myself, what is he talking about? How does it feel? Yeah, it feels great but I have lost too. I know how that feels. And it feels nothing like winning. It’s nothing compared to what I have now and I honestly think every driver needs to experience losing, a lot, before they ever appreciate that victory and what it gives them. Appreciation.”

Easton knew what he was referring to and nodded, as if to say he understood.

“There’s a drive in all of us. A will to survive and succeed at what you want. It’s all in how bad you want it. How much are you willing to give to get something else? What I’ve learned is what you gain along the way. The experience. As Easton said in his speech, the
I know
versus the
I wish
. For me…most know what I’ve done. By brushed with the wall in Darlington, crossing the finish line upside down at Daytona and all those times I caught on fire in Phoenix.” Dad laughed, it was true, his car had caught on fire more than once in Phoenix. “My home is a clay track, tacky by nature. I’m comfortable there. I’ll always love the bullrings one lap at a time, that’s how I love. Fueled with the desire I have to be the best.” He paused, his stare contemplative. “Someone once asked me why I race. Seemed like a stupid question to a guy like me. I do it for a feeling. I do it for me, for her, for us. It’s my purpose, my reason to be me.”

Mom approached him at the podium, they exchanged a look as he wrapped his arm around her. “She’d like to say a few words.”

Everyone clapped as mom adjusted the microphone, dad’s hand wrapped around her shoulders. “I just wanted to thank you guys who were here to support our family this year. I didn’t know how much I needed this family we have until I was forced to know.” Mom looked at dad and he winked giving her a nod of approval. Her eyes moved to mine as I stood next to Easton. “Thank you, Arie.” Her voice broke as tears came over her. “I needed my daughter so much these past few months and to have what we had, was everything I could have asked for.”

Easton looked at me when she said that, as if he finally understood that me needing space not only had to do with me, but also, her.

There’s a reason why I love Easton. There’s a reason why I married him. Somewhere along the way we both lost track of what those reasons were. I wanted to blame the sport that had taken so much from my family but, in truth, it had nothing to do with racing and everything to do with me. I was letting it happen and I wasn’t changing it. I thought for a while when I turned to Rager that maybe I was trying to tell myself that I picked the wrong guy in the beginning. All along it wasn’t that. I wanted to believe I had.

I will never know where that relationship with Rager would have gone. Maybe he was right. Maybe it would have been legendary. But the fact of the matter was, I was with Easton.