The River Leith (29 page)

“I asked Ava to wait in the car,” Marian said, crossing over to the swings in the darkness and squeezing into the one next to Leith. “I wanted to talk with you alone.” She tugged at a piece of her afro, pulling the hair taunt before it bounced back gently.

Leith kicked at the dirt and pushed himself back and forth a little. “Thanks for coming for me. You didn’t have to do that.”

Marian looked at him as though he’d lost his mind. “Yeah, I’m going to leave my friend stranded miles from home with no money. Leith, we were all freaking out. None of us knew where you’d gone. Arthur…Zach…they were both worried out of their minds.”

Leith softly snorted. “I’m sure Arthur knew I’d turn up.”

“Yes, he thought you took off to the woods, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t pacing our living room all night debating whether he should try to file a missing person report. We were all pretty scared. You disappeared late with no note and no phone call. You didn’t even take your cell phone. Anything could have happened to you.”

“Marian, I can take care of myself. You didn’t have to worry.”

“Well, we
did.
Yeah, sure you can take care of yourself. You’re just stranded that’s all. Stranded in the middle of…where are we, exactly?” Marian asked, looking around. “I mean, I know where we are, but
where
are we?”

“Where I grew up.” Leith looked around. “I played on this playground. I went to that school. That was the field I played football on, and got my ass kicked by a bully. It’s why I started boxing. Well, that and my father wanted me to learn.”

Marian sighed. “Leith, you could’ve left a note.”

“Yeah, I could have, but I didn’t want to.”

“That was pretty selfish of you.”

Leith glowered. He wanted to say something hurtful back, but he just clenched his teeth together and gripped the ropes of the swing tighter.

Kicking herself off into some shallow swings, Marian said, “Zach’s a mess right now.”

Leith went tense all over. There was a reason he hadn’t called Zach. He wasn’t ready to talk with him yet. “This isn’t about him.”

“Come on, Leith,” Marian scoffed. “It’s about him.”

Leith said nothing and kicked his swing high into the air, feeling the rush of wind gliding past him. Marian hopped out of her swing and stood in front of him, forcing him to a sudden stop.

“I told you before that he was devastated after your injury.”

“Yeah, so?”

“I didn’t exaggerate. I don’t think there are words for what he went through.”

“I don’t want to hear about this shit,” Leith growled, stumbling a bit out of the swing. Marian’s hand was surprisingly strong when she grabbed his arm.

“You’ve got to hear it, Leith, Imagine it. Take some time and really think it over, okay? In a very real way, you
died
that day. Sure, your heart kept beating, and you kept breathing, and God knows we’re all grateful for that, especially Zach. But he lost his partner that day. His best friend
—
the man he loved.” Marian was earnest and serious as she gazed up at him. “Do you understand that?”

Leith stared into her dark eyes, feeling their intensity burn into him. He took some shaking breaths before looking at the tree-lined horizon, seeking something there to hold him to the earth.

“Can you really blame him?” Marian went on. “For looking for solace in the wrong place? Just once, Leith. And that nearly wrecked him too. I saw him after it was over, and he was a mess. A total mess. I had to come visit you the next day instead of him because he could barely hold himself together.”

“Good,” Leith heard himself say in a hard, cruel voice, and he was surprised by it. He wasn’t sure he even meant it.

“No, Leith. It’s not good. He felt guilty, like he’d betrayed you, and you
couldn’t even remember him
. Do you
understand
, Leith? Can you
imagine
it? Put yourself in his shoes. Can you truly blame him? He thought he was nothing to you. That all you’d had was dead. You have to understand.”

“No,
you
have to understand. I’m at his mercy. He holds all the fucking cards. He knows everything about me and I don’t know him at all. He
fucked
that guy. Who else? How many times? For all I know he’s been fucking around on me even when I was…when I was the me before the accident.”

“No, Leith. No. Zach’s not like that. You have so much more power over him than you know.”

“How do I know what Zach’s like? How do I know what
you’re
like?” Leith choked and covered his mouth with his hand. He closed his eyes, shutting out the sky, the grass, the trees, and Marian’s sincere face.

Marian stroked down his arm and took hold of his hand, squeezing it as they stood there. “I’m your friend and some deep down part of you recognizes that because when you needed someone to come get you, you called me. Not Arthur, not Ava, and not even Zach. You trust me, Leith, and that’s because I’m trustworthy. And I’m telling you, so is Zach.”

“I invested everything in him,” Leith whispered.

“And that trust wasn’t misplaced. I promise you that, Leith. You aren’t powerless here and you can believe in Zach.”

Leith swallowed hard and bit his cheek to keep back his emotions. He was tired and raw. He was more exposed than he’d ever felt before, as though everything that was important to him was out on the table for the world to see.

“Let’s go home,” Marian said. “Come on, Leith, it’s time.”

Nodding, Leith let her lead him to the car, where Ava waited with glistening eyes and a worried frown as she twisted a hunk of her blond hair around her finger.

Leith slept listlessly in the backseat of Ava’s car, his head rolling awkwardly on the headrest. Trees and cars flashed by the window in a strange, surreal tempo that mixed in his dreams.

Tree, tree, tree, car, car, tree. His mother singing softly by a flowing river, and Zach splashing out of the water as his mother dissolved in front of him. Car, car, car, tree, tree, trees in a clump, car, his father slapping Arthur on the back and then laughing about something Leith couldn’t hear, but his heart swelled at the joy on his father’s face.

The whir of the tires, the rush of a truck beside them, and then tree, tree, tree, car, car, car, clump of trees, two cars, and Zach sitting by a campfire with his shirt off, looking at him with big, emotion-filled eyes. Leith woke with his cock half hard and his hands shaking.

Ava and Marian talked in low tones in the front, and Leith was thankful they left him alone for the most part. Drifting in and out of sleep, he woke fully only when he saw the lights of the high rises as they entered the city. He forced himself to sit up as far as he could without hitting his head on the low ceiling of the car.

They drove past the boxing club, and Leith clasped his fingers together, thinking of taped hands, the scent of sweat, and the satisfaction of a punch well-landed. Boxing was it for him, and he knew he’d always go back to it, though he had to accept that he’d never remember his finest hours.

He’d lost those for good, never to be recaptured, because as they drove the waking streets of the city, he accepted once and for all that he’d never box competitively again. He was too slow, and it was too dangerous. Life moved on, and he was caught up in it, no matter what Dr. Thakur had said about swimming against the current.

Sometimes it took divine courage to let go and end up in an ocean of the unknown.

Letting the car carry him onward, he closed his eyes and tried to relax his body. He thought of the sea
—
of water that stirred slowly deep below the surface and drove the currents that traveled the globe.

He understood the water’s motion, felt it within himself, and while his conscious mind yearned for a narrative to cling to
—
something predictable like the endless rise and dip of waves visible on the surface
—
he was only comfortable when following the commands of the deep currents within him. And they all flowed back to Zach.

Opening the door to the apartment, he didn’t know what he was going to say to Zach. But as it turned out, there was nothing to say. The apartment was still and silent, and when Leith stepped into his room, sensing Marian and Ava entering behind him, both measuring his reaction, he saw immediately what Zach had done.

“Where did he go?” Leith asked, his throat tight.

“To his sister’s,” Ava replied, her blue eyes wide with earnest empathy.

Leith bit his lip and turned his back to them, looking at the bare places where Zach’s things had been. “He’s gone? Just like that?”

“No, not
just like that
,” Marian said, impatience bleeding into her tone. “He’s been through a lot, and it’s been mounting for a long time. It’s taken a toll on him.”

“Yeah,” Leith whispered. “I get that.”

“And he isn’t gone,” Ava said, taking hold of Leith’s arm gently. “He’s just at Maddie’s right now because he didn’t know if he should be here when you got back. You made it clear to Marian you didn’t want to see him right now.”

“He didn’t move out?” Leith asked.

“Of course not. His things are just down the hall in his old room.”

Leith nodded, feeling a crazy urge to stalk down the hall and grab everything and bring it back. He sat on his bed instead, his elbows on his knees, staring blankly ahead.

Not too long ago he’d been in prison, and now it was three years later and he was in love with a stranger. He’d lost his father
—
and his mother all over again. There were two other strangers standing his room, looking at him with affection and love, and he didn’t know what the fuck to do about any of it.

The glance exchanged between Ava and Marian made Leith nervous. “What?” he asked. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Ava’s face pinked. “Well, we didn’t know if we should…I’m not sure we’re even supposed to know about it, but… Sit at your desk. We want to show you something on your computer.”

Leith didn’t know if he wanted to see whatever they had to show him. They both seemed anxious, and suddenly Leith’s mind was filled with crazy ideas and he wondered if they were going to show him some kind of porn Zach had starred in. His stomach clenched into knots and he felt like he might throw up.

“It’s nothing bad, Leith.” Ava gave him a smile. “I promise.”

“It’s just something that might help you understand Zach a bit better.” Marian took his hand and pulled him up from the bed.

Leith allowed himself to be maneuvered into his desk chair. He sat there, his heart racing and his gut twisting.

Ava leaned over and typed something into the address bar. “Oh, he made a new one after you ran off. But you need to start at the beginning. Here, let me show you…”

The room was quiet now except for the sound of the computer fan whirring, and the shuffling and banging of the girls making a late snack in the kitchen. They’d left at some point during the first vlog entry, but Leith wasn’t sure when. He’d been glued to the screen, his heart in his throat.

As Leith had watched Zach and heard the anguish in his voice, the powerful undercurrents he’d felt driving him for weeks rose to the surface and crashed onto the shore of his consciousness. Tears had streamed down his face as he’d watched each gut-wrenching entry.

Now as he sat staring at a screensaver showing the curl of an ocean wave with a tiny surfer emerging, he flashed on the moment he first saw Zach in the doorway to his hospital room and he’d remembered the golden-crowned kinglet, broken and wounded.

He remembered Zach by the lake at the cabin, alone and despondent, setting his shoulders with determination before returning to the house. There had been so many moments after that
—
sweet sparks of vulnerability that Leith reacted to instinctively by wanting to touch and hold Zach.

There were three things he knew for certain now. He loved Zach beyond reason, he could trust Zach with his heart and soul, and Zach needed him more than he needed Zach. It was the last one that came as the biggest surprise, though he didn’t know why. The first two fed so hungrily on the last that it seemed completely obvious now.

He clicked on the first vlog of them together, watching it for the sixth or seventh time. Leith was not the person in the video, not anymore. It wasn’t only that he didn’t remember the life that the old him had led, but Leith could tell that the person in the vlog didn’t know how much Zach needed him, and instead only knew how much he needed Zach. That Leith had never been so lucky as to know what Leith now saw so clearly.

Leith paused the first video during a kiss, studying the screen thoughtfully and feeling nothing more than a strange happiness that he wasn’t that guy anymore. “Leith?” Zach’s voice was quiet from the doorway, where he stood with one arm over his chest.

His red eyes and solemn expression made Leith want to drag him into his arms and kiss the sorrow away.

“Can I come in?” Zach asked.

Leith nodded as he stood, tucking his hands into his pockets to keep from touching Zach too soon.

“Marian and Ava called to let me know you were okay. I was going to stay away, but
—
“ His voice cracked. “I needed to talk to you. Leith, I’m sorry. I should have told you. I made a mistake
—
”

“Yeah, you did make a mistake,” Leith interrupted. “You should have trusted me. You should have told me how you felt, instead of talking to strangers on the internet. You should have told me everything from the beginning, from the very first day. You should have
insisted
on me being told the truth about us and not insisted that they hide it. So yeah, I’d say you made some pretty big mistakes.”

Zach swallowed hard and shut the door behind him. He nodded, apparently accepting Leith’s words without defense or argument.

“And you shouldn’t have moved your stuff out of here. Now we’ll have to move it all back, which is a waste of time that we could have spent doing something else.”

Zach’s forehead creased. “What?”

“We could have spent that time talking or…” Leith walked to Zach and put his arms on his shoulders, leaning down to whisper in his ear. “Making up.”