The River Leith (27 page)

Zach did smile when Leith told him, and while it might not have been as blinding with pride, it was still a good smile. Leith sat at the bar, happy and content to watch Zach work. He chatted with Vanessa for a while, but then things got busy. He thought about helping, but instead enjoyed watching Zach rush around, totally in control of the situation.

A couple of guys came in holding hands, and Leith smiled. He hoped they were as in love as he was with Zach. When they sat next to him, Leith’s contentedness fled almost immediately.

The younger one nodded toward Zach. “He’s pretty hot.”

Leith opened his mouth to say that Zach was also pretty taken.

But the other man said, “That one? Oh yeah, he’s hot all right. And a hungry, eager little bitch.”

Shaking, Leith clenched his fists. He heard a low growl starting in his throat.

“You’ve had him?” the smaller one seemed impressed.

“I sure did.”

“When was this? And why wasn’t I invited?”

“Eh, not too long ago. Last month or whenever it was you were away. It was good. I’d be up for it again, but maybe you want a shot at him? Or we could have him together. He seems like the type for that. You should hear the noises he makes. Begs for it
—
”

Leith didn’t remember grabbing the guy and throwing him to the ground. He didn’t remember punching him, or yelling, but he found himself being dragged away, Zach’s hands clutching at him and his voice breaking through the fury.

“Leith! Leith, stop! Stop!”

There was some blood, but not as much as Leith wanted there to be. The guy on the floor looked terrified, his eyes wide and his mouth open with red dribbling from the side. Leith yanked at Zach’s grip to leap on the man again, but Zach held on.

“Leith, please.
Please
.”

Some other guys held him back until he was pushed onto a stool at the bar, his heart pounding violently and his mouth wet with an urge to spit on the guy. It took everything in him not to lunge again when Zach grabbed the asshole’s arm and helped him up. Trembling all over, Zach looked up at him with big pleading eyes
—
had he looked like that while the asshole
fucked
him?
—
and begged him not to file assault charges.
Begged
him.

Gagging, Leith wanted to rip Zach’s hand away from the guy and punch the asshole again, his rage screaming through him. Sanity took hold long enough that forced himself to flee the scene, taking the stairs up to the apartment two at a time to put distance between himself and the object of his fury. Slamming through the apartment, his blood rushed in his ears as he made for the relative security of his bedroom.

His room was no help. The bed was still rumpled from the sex they’d had that morning, and he ripped the sheets off and threw them on the floor. It wasn’t enough, so he grabbed the closest thing he could lay his hands on and slammed it into the wall. The lamp shattered.

The new box of photos and letters he’d been looking through the night before was still open on his desk, and he grabbed a handful of pictures, his face twitching as he looked at the one on top of Zach laughing, his eyes bright.

“Leith?” Zach’s voice was barely a whisper.

Leith whirled to face him in the doorway. “When were you planning on telling me you’d fucked someone else?” Leith threw the stack of photos at Zach’s chest. They hit and scattered all over the floor in a splash of red, blue, green, black, and yellow.

Zach stood very still, looking as though he’d been slapped.

“Well?” Leith demanded.

“I wasn’t going to tell you,” Zach answered. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“That’s great. That’s just great.” Leith shoved past him, slamming his fist into the punching bag. His knuckles stung from the blow. Leith turned back to Zach and sneered. “Well, now I do. And do you know what I think? This is what I think.” Leith got in Zach’s face and spat out the words, “Fuck you.”

Zach’s jaw clenched and he nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said with slow and unusual deliberateness. “I made a mistake. I should have told you.”

Leith snorted. “I thought I could trust you. I thought that I
—
you wouldn’t believe what I thought, and all along you were just jerking me around, making an ass out of me.”

“Leith
—
”

“Who knew about this? Everyone? Marian? Who?”

“Leith, it was one night. It was a mistake. I thought that
—
”

“You didn’t tell me. You don’t tell me
anything
. I don’t even
know
you.”

Zach lips trembled, but his eyes flashed. “You didn’t need to know. There was no reason to tell you. He meant nothing to me
—
”

“Nothing! You fucked a guy who meant nothing to you? How could you do that? While I was in the hospital alone and fucked up you were out living it up? Fuck you. You’ve been lying all this time, and it’s my life. It’s
my
life we’re talking about here.”

“It was my life too,” Zach snapped, stepping into Leith’s personal space. “And you have no idea
—
”

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t have to be anymore. You can go now. There’s no need for you here.” Leith grabbed a photo from the floor and forced it into Zach’s hand. It was a photo booth picture of them kissing. “This? This is bullshit. This is nothing. I don’t remember this and I never will.”

Zach looked as if he was going to throw up, and Leith’s throat felt tight, but he went on, “I don’t need your sympathy, and I don’t want your pity. You can stop feeling guilty about it and go get yourself fucked by someone else. I’m done with you.”

Leith pushed past Zach and tried to slam the door behind him, but Zach caught it and thrust himself between Leith and his escape route.

“Leith!” Zach’s voice seethed with anger. “I understand you’re angry, but you’re not the only person here who lost something that day.”

“Oh yeah, like you lost so much.”

“I lost
everything
,” Zach screamed. His face twisted and his voice broke. “I lost the man I loved more than life, and he doesn’t even
remember me
. He doesn’t remember what we had, what we were, or how happy we were together. He doesn’t remember the first time we made love, or the second, or the stupid fights we had that we thought were so fucking important. He doesn’t know how he used to look at me that made me feel like I would do, give,
be
anything if it was for him. He doesn’t know that even now just being near him is the only thing I want
—
even now, even when he’s disgusted with me
—
”

“I can’t look at you.”

Leith turned his back on Zach and unleashed on the punching bag in the corner, pounding it in rapid, hard bursts. Sweat slid down his back as he imagined the bag as the man in the bar, the disgusting bastard who’d talked about Zach like he was nothing, like he wasn’t the most important thing in the universe, and thought about Zach opening himself for some other man and slammed with more force. Pain bloomed on his knuckles and he kept on, harder and harder.

“I’m sorry,” Zach said, his voice barely audible over the smacks of Leith’s bare fist hitting leather. “I make a huge mistake, and I should have told you. I would give anything to be able to take it back.”

Leith didn’t answer, focused entirely on pounding the bag until his hands broke or until the rage inside was exhausted.

“I have to deal with the bar now, Leith. I’ll sleep tonight on the couch in the office down there until I can find a place to stay.”

The door shut behind Zach, and Leith collapsed to the floor, burying his face in his hands. Hot tears burned like shards of glass and blank, hopeless terror pulsed through him as though it was something vicious and alive.

He didn’t know who he was anymore or who he could trust. From deep down a cry pushed up and he wailed, “I want to go home!” His voice broke. “Just let me go home.”

Night moved across the room slowly as he huddled in the corner. The sounds of cars occasionally vibrated the windows, adding texture to the darkness, and the rattle of the pipes gave vent to Leith’s anxiety.

He stuffed a bag with some underwear, a change of clothes, the box of photos and letters, and a wad of cash. He didn’t know where he was going, and he wasn’t even sure he would actually leave. But sitting in the dark thinking of the pummeling he’d given the stranger in the bar, someone whose name he didn’t even know
—
someone who’d had Zach
—
he didn’t feel like he could stay either.

Leith took his cell phone from his pocket and turned it on. He typed in a text and discarded it without sending it. He noticed there was a forgotten draft already ready to send.

Zach, I don’t understand it, but I think I’m in love with you.

After staring at the words for a long time, he deleted the message and sat the phone on the desk.

He wasn’t sure where Marian and Ava were, and the door of the apartment shut behind him quietly. He walked down the stairs, hearing the soft echo on the walls. The city was drowsing, and though there were lights still on and cars moving all around, it was as though the world was at arm’s length. It didn’t take long for him to get a taxi, and from the backseat he watched the city disappear.

LATER THAT NIGHT

VLOG ENTRY #10

INT. LEITH AND ZACH’S BEDROOM

Still dressed in jeans and a rumpled shirt, Zach is slumped against the headboard of the bed. The computer is propped on something on the bed, and Zach reaches out to steady it several times. He doesn’t look at the camera.

ZACH

Hello, my loves.

Things here have…imploded. Leith is gone. I don’t know where he’s gone to, and I don’t know if he’ll be back. He didn’t leave a note. He just left.

He sighs and cups his hands under his chin.

We had a fight. Over that idiotic one night stand I had. The one I told you about. I never thought I’d see that guy again, and I never wanted to. It had been humiliating enough to live through, and I didn’t want to be reminded of my mistake. But then he and his boyfriend showed up at Blue Flight. I don’t know how Leith found out what happened, but he did, and all hell broke loose.

Zach shakes his head and fiddles with the bed clothes. He moves and nearly tips the computer over. He straightens it again.

The guy I slept with isn’t going to press charges, and for that I’m grateful. Arthur talked to him, and for all I know he paid him off. The guy said he hoped things worked out for me and my boyfriend.

He rolls his eyes and throws up his hands.

I didn’t even know what to say to that. He said he knew when we…well, he’d been able to tell that I was in a bad place in my life. He said he was drawn to that kind of thing; the desperation was a turn on for him.

He sighs.

I’ve been around enough to know what was going on when I put myself in that position, but hearing myself described through his eyes?

He picks at the hem of his jeans.

Leith didn’t even know who I was! Everything we’d shared had vanished. It was all gone, and I just needed to feel something other than the black hole of despair. The worst part is that I let some asshole see my fear and desperation, and I never let Leith see that. Not even later when I should have. I couldn’t. I was too afraid.

He looks at the long thread he’s yanked free.

Unraveling. Yeah, that’s about right.

He sighs and wraps the string around his finger.

I told myself that I was taking care of Leith, and if he saw how terrified I was, then he’d never trust me to take care of him. He needs me to be reliable, and he needs me to be the person he can turn to when he can’t handle something for himself.

That’s when I can see the weight lifted from his shoulders, and I feel stronger somehow, because I know I did that for him. But if he knew how confused I’ve been
—
how scared and sad? Where would that leave us? Who would shore up our sinking ship? I couldn’t tell him what I’d done. There was already so much to deal with.

Zach’s lips twist. He brings the finger with the string on it to his mouth, biting at the thread.

God! I’m an idiot. I’ve been going on and on about this stupid one night stand, and the bigger problem is that Leith has left, and I don’t know where he’s gone, or if he’s coming back. I don’t know what to do with myself. Arthur’s worried, but he thinks Leith needs space to process things, and that he’ll come back.

Zach unwinds the thread from his finger.

Arthur’s right. He’ll come back, and I need to be ready when he does. There’s a lot to do around here, so I guess I’ll sign off. I hope you’re all enjoying the rollercoaster that is my life. If nothing else, I hope you’re thinking to yourselves, Hey, at least my life isn’t as bad as Zach’s! At least my boyfriend or girlfriend still remembers who I am!

So, just remember kids, it could be worse. Cherish the good times.

Signing off.

The driver was listening to an album of blues Leith didn’t recognize, but struck him as classic and right for his escape from Brooklyn. The rhythm seemed to throb with the slide of the landscape out the window and the ache in his heart as Leith let himself drowse in and out of sleep.