The Reluctant (15 page)

“It’s just something we learn to deal
with,” Will told me after a barrage of complaints.

So yes, the first month turned out to
be bliss with just a few bumps, far less scary than I imagined it.
Some days I felt not so in control of my mind or my body, but then
again, I love that feeling of letting go and allowing my body
decide what is best for me. It was the only time I feel truly
free.

It pained both of us that Luka refused
to share these experiences with us. Though he still hunted with
Will every week, their Slayer activities were the only contact that
existed between them. Will would not speak of it. We would snipe
over calling him until Will stormed off and I sulked in the
kitchen. Luka no longer came to the house for long stretches of
comfortable banter, movies or dinner. And though Will loved me, he
loved Luka, too. I knew this. I also knew that I was the cause of
their rift, but Luka stayed away because he felt something for me,
not because he felt nothing for Will.

And suddenly I was determined to fix
the situation. If all three of us could be happy again, then
mending the tear through the sacrifice of my own dignity was
definitely worth it. I would admit to Will that I had offered
myself to Luka in the rush of the moment to see him happy, and
hopefully he would understand.

But first, I had to see Luka and
strengthen his resolve.

The wind blew hard at me as I jogged
to Luka’s house. A little over four miles, but the run would do me
good. Will had been teaching me to control the bow that he and Luka
use, and how to hunt as part of a pack and how to track, but now I
was alone. I smelled none of the Lycanti—they had given up on Will
since my Change.

The night air and my burning lungs
liberated me in a way that Will’s body could not. His body chained
me to my own, forcing me to swallow down my passions and let them
sizzle and smolder inside of me until he brought them up. In the
wind, I exerted my own heat. I had control of my own
liberation.

As I arrived, I scented the air for
Luka’s warm, tangy smell that I had picked up from the clothes Will
borrowed. Will was not nearly so spicy; he had a more earthy
fragrance to him. Luka’s scent called to me in my dreams, making me
want to take a bite out of him. Will and I were Bonded yet, so I
could still lust, and lust I did in that first month. Luckily, the
sensation of Will barraging my senses at all times, making me
hunger for only him physically, eased my emotion need of Luka’s
friendship.

But that cinnamon taste at the back of
my throat made me hot, making me think he was right beside me. I
knew that Luka could probably smell me by now. I wondered how he
would react.

“Don’t move.”

I felt the metal pressed into my back,
and I was surprised that anyone could have gotten so near with my
newly enhanced senses. It could only be one person.

“Luka?”

“You can’t be here,” he said firmly.
“Leave.”

I turned, heedless of the knife he
held and tried to fold myself into his arms. “Luka, it’s me. How
could you not want to see me?”

He swallowed and took a deep breath,
wincing at the contact of my skin with his. “I can smell it on you,
Emily. I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but this is
the Lycanti side of you speaking now.”

I laughed. “Isn’t it wonderful? I was
so scared, and now it’s great!”

“You fear nothing now.”

I cocked my head, trying to figure out
if his words signalled a statement or a question.

“Should I?”

“Yes.”

I moved towards him and threw my arms
around him; his arms hung limply at his sides. “Should I fear
you?”

“Yes.”

I rolled my eyes and let my body mold
and stretch against his length. “What a scowl! Why would I ever be
scared of you?”

His eyes met mine and sent a bolt of
electricity straight through me. I felt the muscles of his stomach
contract as he let me push my body up against him. He wrapped me in
his arms. That brazen cerulean gaze never left mine.

“Luka…”

I couldn’t speak, for his lips had
found mine. They ignited a fire in me that had to be put out by
only him. We pulled away and I tried to catch my breath.

“Make love to me, Luka,” I
gasped.

He groaned deep in his throat, and I
heard the knife hit the ground.

“No. Emily, leave. Go, now, before I
change my mind.”

I pulled his head down to mine again
for another exhilarating kiss. I could feel how much he wanted
me—his body trembled and he was so swollen against me that his
hardness pushed indelicately into my hip, demanding my attention. I
reached down and put my hand against it, massaging him
slowly.

“The decision’s already made,” I
insisted.

“You’ve got to leave before she scents
you.”

That stopped my passion cold. I
withdrew my hand and pulled away from him. “Who?”

“My wife.”

I looked at him, aghast. “Will didn’t
tell me.”

He looked at the sky and licked his
lips, clenching and unclenching his fists. “No, he would not do
that. He refuses to acknowledge her as such.”

A ball of hurt formed in my stomach.
“You said you would never love again.”

“I have already loved again, but I do
not love her.” The words were said without emphasis, and I saw the
torn emotion as an ember in his eyes.

I stared at the grass, determined not
to feel anger. I would human my way out through this, not rely on
the Change to get me out of a situation.

“You love me.” It came out as an
accusation.

“Yes.”

“But you married someone in the two
weeks since I’ve seen you.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

He tipped my chin up to him. “She will
have my child. After the baby is born, I will take them both back
to Venezuela. I plan to forget that I ever knew you or
Will.”

I grabbed his arm, desperate to feel
him again. “I will have your child.”

His nostrils quivered. “I would not
take that from Will, not tonight. It’s not my place to take what is
his.

“
Anyway,” he continued,
interrupting my logical thoughts. “It is done. We are Bonded. I
will not leave her. The best thing you can do is return
home.”

I could not focus on his face. The
tears were going to start if I didn’t talk. “Is she as good as
Shasta?”

“No.”

“Does she love you?”

“I don’t think so.”

That hurt me the most. “Why then? Why
even bother?”

He could not meet my eyes.

“What? What is it? Luka, you can tell
me.” My voice dropped to a choked whisper. “We were friends
once.”

He reached forward to wipe away the
one tear that had gotten past my guard. “I had to have someone
after I left you alone that night, Emily. If not, I would have come
back to take you. She intercepted me in the woods and followed me
home; she knew how vulnerable I was at that moment. I am sure she
could smell it on me. It didn’t matter to her. It turned her on to
know that she could have me even though I wanted someone else. It
made her feel like she owned me, if only for a few moments.” He
paused and swallowed again, as if the next words hurt. “It
especially gave her joy to know that it was you I thought
of.”

The anger rose up within me at his
cold words. “Oh, Luka, no, anyone but her—”

He cut me off, but his voice broke.
“Emily, I had to have someone. It might as well be her.”

I felt sick, so sick that I couldn’t
stand. I didn’t have to. My body solved the problem for me by
allowing me to escape the emotional reality of those words. I did
not even look back at Luka. I just ran, ran until I Changed back,
pulling myself together before I crawled back to Will.

Luka would never have me, because now,
Brooke had him.

The rage did not disappear after my
Change. Rather, it swirled around like a riptide inside of me,
forming eddies in my limbs and solidifying. I wanted to pull her
head off, destroy the child inside of her, hurt her
somehow.

But I knew that Luka would protect
her. It occurred to me that’s why he used the knife to threaten me.
He was hunting me to save his mate from another female who wanted
him. It was not so very different than Will’s protective impression
over me before I was Changed. I had been vulnerable then. Brooke
was vulnerable now. Luka sensed that something had shifted in me; I
was now able and willing to kill for what I wanted. I wondered if
it scared him that he was what I wanted.

The house was warm, almost too warm,
and it only served to irritate me more. I could not think straight.
Had I still been a rational human, I would have told Luka about
Brooke’s involvement in Shasta’s destruction. I’d like to see him
stay with her then. I’d like to see her alive after I told him
that.

But I was not a collected human; I was
a naked, pacing werewolf fresh from the Change, stalking the
confines of the house for someone to take my rage out
on.

And of course, the only one around was
Will, my favorite slab of flesh to vent my aggression on. I found
him in his amateur audio-visual room, a hobby from his U.C.L.A
days. He looked up as soon as I entered but did not
smile.

“You’ve been with Luka.”

I didn’t speak. I knew he could smell
his best friend on me; surely Luka’s scent was all over me since I
had rubbed up against him in the most intimate way possible. I
needed Will to take that edge off. I needed him to get my mind off
it.

“Fuck me.”

He leaned back in his chair. Still his
face looked only worried instead of happy to see me. His next words
came out as if he had crawled over broken glass to say
them.

“Have you been with him?”

I was no idiot. I knew he meant had I
fucked Luka, not had I literally stood next to him. Will may have
had a taste for rough sex, but he avoided using the terms in
conversation as often as possible. His well-bred interior revolted
against such a filthy mouth. I had once found it charming, now I
found it annoying.

All I wanted was his hips pounding
against mine, summoning me into that rhythm at which he
excelled.

I crawled onto him, straddling him in
the chair. He looked up at me with suspicious eyes, but I knew he
couldn’t fail to appreciate my naked body. I grabbed his hand and
forced it down to my slit that wanted him so bad. My body felt like
it was on fire for his touch.

Suddenly, Will pushed me off him. I
hit the floor, thudding down onto it as if I were a fallen bowl.
Shattered rage splintered from its solid pools inside of me, but I
fought the Change, fought it with everything I had. And I
won.

He stood over me, looking down on me
with a look that was not quite anger and not quite sadness. Surely,
I thought at the time, he could not be pitying me?

“I think you need a cold shower,
Emily,” he said evenly. “It seems you’ve had a little too much
excitement today.”

I growled deep in the back of my
throat, more animal than human at that moment. I got to my knees to
tear at his pants with my hands and teeth, freeing the part I
craved in a smooth action that made him pull away from me. He
hardened instantly and gripped his fingers in my hair as I began to
run my tongue over his shaft. I took it in my mouth and sucked
enthusiastically, biting down hard enough to make him gasp every
few moments. My breasts rubbed on his thighs, sending pulsating
rhythms down my body. I looked up at him when I knew he was about
to come. His eyes had never left my moving mouth. They seared me
with their need.

“Now fuck me,” I demanded.

He nodded, his fingers still tangled
at the nape of my neck. He pulled his hand away gently. I stood
before him and let him take in my body. He reached out for me, but
I knocked his hand away.

“Let me tie you up,” I said in a low,
seductive purr. “Let me be the one fucking you.”

All he could do was nod his assent as
I bound his hands to the back of the chair and straddled him again.
He did not notice the arrow perched beside us, left there
carelessly by him after a hunt one night.

But I did. I had noticed it as soon as
I entered the room, smelling the traces of old blood that made my
mouth water. I used it to carve long grooves into his flesh. He
bucked and hissed at me but did not tell me no. In fact, the
whispers of pain intermingled with his heavily exhaled groans as an
orchestrated symphony of pleasure. I ran my fingers along his
wounds and pulled the mixture of sweat and blood up to my mouth,
licking my fingers as if they were his cock. Some of the deeper
cuts did not heal quickly and I lavished my attention on
them.

I just could not stop, even while I
rode him I continued to slice him open to suck the blood as he
thrust up into me, once even tearing a piece of flesh from his
shoulder and swallowing it down. He yowled with the pain, but did
not tell me to stop. The blood coated my throat and my body with a
deep satisfaction that I craved.