The Real Soccer Moms of Beaver County (11 page)

B
itches Going Downtown

“The smell of rotten fish just about made me gag,” Blanche yells, even though Moira is only a few feet away.

Annie sticks her nose up in the air. “I don’t smell anything, Branche.”

I give Blanche a swift elbow to the ribs, then nearly crumble to my knees remembering the baby. Silently I apologize to the egg that’s been fertilized, and to baby Jesus.

“Sorry,” I whisper.

“Funny, I only smell a washed up has been.” Moira turns leaving only the sound of her stilettos in her wake.

“Could her dress be any shorter? God, she makes me want to puke,” Blanche says.

Luna offers up a defeated, half-hearted smile. She’s tried her best to play peacemaker between these two just like I have.

“Actually, it could be,” I point to Moira’s ass. “I’ve had to duck and tape several times in dresses way shorter.”

“You what?”

“I do drag.”

“Holy shit, Queenie, you never told me that.”

“I was a hot item back in Miami. It’s not so popular here in corn bred and fed Iowa. I go over to Dollywood and do shows.”

“Ewww, Dollywood.”

“I know I feel like a traitor sometimes, but they’re way more liberal-ish-y.”

“Q,” Annie’s voice grabs my attention. “I need my shoe tried.”

I’ve never had the heart to correct her on her speech like the therapist has trained me in.

“Coming, sugar pop.”

I bend over and tie her one shoe and then tighten the other one just for good measure.

“Seriously, a nine year old who can’t tie her own shoe?”

Shading the sun from my eyes, I look up to see Cybill Richey and her friend, Amy, the biggest bitch-ass whores from way back when I tried local beauty school.

“Ashually, I’m eight.” Annie puts her hands on hips and gives them some attitude. I give the girl a mental high-five for sticking up for herself. It’s something we’ve had to work on since her dad died.

“Mind your own business, ladies.” I don’t make eye contact making sure both of her laces are tight.

“If I knew we were playing this team today, I would’ve had my son sit out,” Amy huffs out.

“Yeah, such a waste,” Cybill adds.

“You do know this is just rec soccer, right?” Blanche asks, and I swear I see the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

I point Annie and Sadie into the direction of their team warming up because they don’t need to witness or even be in the presence of these bitches. Their perfectly competitive, personality-less kids trot by us. Hair gelled and spiked, brand name gear on, and even fucking braces at this age.

My eyes automatically roll when the society driven brats pass.

“Quincy, they can tie their shoes, wipe their own asses, and kick a ball,” Cybill steps in.

Blanche heightens her fighting stance before I can step in front of her. I turn back for a quick second to see Clancy at her side and all worries of the knocked-up, angered woman dissipate.

“Good for you, Cybill, saw your husband at my drag show last week.”

“Really?” It’s her turn to give an eye roll.

“Yeah, yours too Amy.”

“Whatever, you freak. You think you’re such hot shit, Quincy. If you think you have the shit then bring the shit to the field.”

“Got it, ladies. I’ll tell your husbands ‘hi’ for you next time I run into them in the men’s bathroom.” I cross an arm over my chest and rest the other hand perched under my chin. “I do believe Cybill’s perfect hubs was balls deep in Amy’s husband’s ass. They asked me not to tell. Ooooppps. Meeooowww.”

I don’t wait for their response before racing across the field to Luna. Blanche’s voice is in the background, but I’m on a fucking mission. By damn, if those assholes will beat this team.

“You better make damn sure your son is on his game today. No exceptions,” I shake her upper arm a bit too hard.

“What in the hell?” Her eyes grow big.

“No time for questions. Tell him to take no fucking prisoners.” I grind out between my teeth.

Then I’m off to coach dumbass and grab him by the arm.

“Listen, Miles, I’ll blast all around town that I bleach your asshole twice a month. You play to win and take fucking prisoners.”

Shit, I’m so rattled I think I’ve screwed up that saying.

“Okay,” he stutters outs.

“Play. To. Win.” I growl, and march over to where Clancy has our chairs lined up and cross my arms. I pull my shades down, plant my black boots, and stare down Satan’s cunts across the field that are stretching out their kids’ hamstrings.

“Who sprinkled testosterone on his toast?” Clancy leans over and asks Blanche.

“Those two dumb bitches over there.” She points out Cybill and Amy.

I watch Clancy’s vision track the ladies and then the vein in his neck pop. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

“What?” Blanche is on her feet.

“The nasty looking one stuck me with a ten thousand dollar bill.” Clancy is over to Miles before I can blink and know he’ll get the job done.

“Nobody fucks with our Queenie.” Luna hugs me from behind me and kisses the top of my head.

“That’s right.” Blanche clutches the top of my hand.

Moira even drags her chair close to us crossing enemy lines. She keeps plenty of space between her and Blanche, and I’m thankful for that because right now it’s my fucking battle.

“Jesus, we’re screwed,” Blanche blurts out gaining the attention of the ref who just trotted on the field.

Doug turns to Blanche sending her a wink and a slight wave. Moira straightens up in her chair nearly popping a tit. Doug stops in front of her sending a dazzling smile her way. It would be a compliment if Douchey Doug didn’t resemble a washed up porn star with horrid hair. He even makes my dick shrink into my balls.

“Whore,” Blanche whispers. “Keep your legs shut.”

“Jealous, much?”

“Oh, so jealous of that.” Blanche nearly pops her eyes from their sockets.

“Let’s have a good game, Dougie, boy.” Moira stands from her chair, bends over with a full tit slipping from her dress.

When she finally sits back down from her little twat show she turns to all of us. “I’m taking one for the team.”

She then turns to Miles and offers up a sympathetic wave. We all know they’re going to, or about to, bone each other’s brains out.

The game begins intense, but the inner beast in Saige comes out to play. He reminds me so much of Brady’s talent back in the day. It’s like magic as the team plays in unison only letting the other team score two goals. My butt puckers up with anxiety when Annie is put in as goalie guard.

Each second that ticks by as the other team rushes the ball down the field, I feel my competitive streak flare up. I’m running up and down the field like a damn soccer mom lunatic yelling at the kids.

By the time it’s half time, I’m soaked in sweat and out of breath. I haven’t even had time to sip on my cocktail in my traveling mug. Leaning over and catching my breath, I take a hearty and very healthy sip of the Crown Royal, Diet Pepsi mixture.

I join in on the huddle around Clancy and Miles. Like usual, Miles is being timid and not saying a word. Clancy has a whiteboard out on the ground drawing up plays and telling them to watch out for number three, that’s Cybill’s kid.

“Instead of letting him by, you kick him in the kneecap.”

“Queenie,” Clancy glares up at me. “Go and sit down.”

I raise my hands in surrender, and back off to find my chair and sip on my drink. Blanche and Moira are in the middle of the battle rounds of Titty Show 2016 with Douchey Doug as the judge.

“Don’t stop them,” Luna grabs my forearm. “This is the funniest s-h-i-t I’ve ever seen.”

She adjusts the baby under her shirt and then laughs watching the show. I must admit boobies typically make me ill, but this is better than any comedy show. Between flashes of nipples, I only glance over to the enemies once during halftime. Cybill the cow is making her son run laps around the field, and Amy is practically beating hers with a Gatorade bottle.
Damn, poor kids. Sad thing is they’ll grow up to be judgmental assholes just like their parents.

“Fuck, it’s tied,” Moira runs her hands through her hair.

“Language,” Luna warns.

“Shit, two minutes on the time clock,” I add.

“Language.”

We all ignore Luna and stand to our feet with the tips of our shoes touching the white boundary.

“Oh, God, he has the ball.” I jump in the air as I watch Cybill’s son delicately dribble the ball down the field. Our kids are exhausted and making it even easier for him.

“No,” I scream and throw my hands up in the air.

He passes the ball to Amy’s son when I notice Moira lunge forward. When I look closer, Blanche has both of her palms planted on Moira’s back and pushes her forward with all her strength. Moira’s tits, then Moira herself, fly out onto the field.

The other team tramples her before Doug can manage to blow the whistle. It’s just in time as the little assholes were about to score, taking the lead.

“Ball back here,” Doug says between blowing his whistle.

The angry mob on the other side lets Doug know exactly what they think of him, but he’s more preoccupied by Moira’s tits and ass spread like a buffet on the soccer field. He helps her up and even tries to dust the debris from her cleavage. Moira swats him away.

“Jesus, Blanche you need to get a grip.” Luna rushes out onto the field to attend to her friend. Now three tits are on display on the field. There’d be four, but a baby is attached to one.

Blanche just shrugs and then brushes her palms off. “There was a bee.”

“Bullshit,” I mutter.

“There was,” she defends herself. “And I’m deathly allergic.”

“Since when?” A new voice joins us.

When I turn around, I see my wet dream standing before me and flush with embarrassment. Brady sends Blanche a shit-eating grin knowing exactly what she did. Those two were double trouble growing up with their killer looks, smarts, and sly personalities. You definitely wanted them on your side.

“Come here, son.” Brady waves to his kid and then bends down to talk to him. “Number three is going to get the ball and juke to the right. He’s been doing it the whole half. You always sucker for it. Get the ball and drive it down. If you’re fast enough you’ll be able to get it past the goalie guards, then game over, buddy.”

Luna audibly awes out loud and then bounds into her husband’s arms when her oldest son races off to the field. Wet, sloppy kisses soon follow and then Brady is forced to peel Luna off to watch the last thirty seconds of the game.

I’m not sure what’s more priceless, our moms cheering or the other moms crying and screaming on the other sideline. Amy’s out on the field chewing Doug’s ass about his bullshit call and the game clock should still have time on it. The other coaches have to drag her rabid ass off the field.

“Ladies.” We all look up to Doug who has his hands planted on his hips. “Enough of your crap. Last game, Luna, you got into a fight, and then your stunt tonight. The league will be forced to take action.”

“Oh, fuck off, Doug,” we all say in unison.

S
how of Your Life

“He tried to ground me for pushing Moira out onto the field, but I just had to suck a little dick.”

“Oh my hell, Blanche, it’s not like your twelve anymore.”

I shrug. “Clancy isn’t impressed with my temper around Moira.”

“Frankly, I’m sick of the bitch war, but applaud the push. It helped us win.” I keep my eyes on the road. I rarely drive my brother’s old Dodge truck. “Does he know what went down between you, Moira and Doug?”

“Q, the whole damn town knew and still knows. Hell, she’s raising his kid that was made when I was dating Doug.”

“I mean, don’t you think you’re lucky that you didn’t end up with him. He’s a tool.”

“It’s more of a pride thing, you know?”

I laugh at my friend. “You mean it’s more of a don’t fuck with Blanche Morningwood thing or you’ll never live it down?”

“Yeah, basically.” She tosses the bag of corn nuts to me.

“What did the doctor say?”

“Everything looked fine. He did a vaginal ultrasound.”

“Wait. Hold up.” I peek over to her out of the corner of my dark shades. “He did a what?”

“It’s basically a corn cob probe they stick up your vagina to see the baby and everything was good. Just said every pregnancy is different.”

“Maybe, I don’t want a vagina. That just scarred me.”

Blanche laughs until she has tears streaming down her face, and I pull into Mystical Myrna’s parking lot. The place is already packed with the normal and I spot a few out of state plates as well. This is the biggest show to date.

Blanche follows me closely into the bar.

“Queenie,” Kathy comes bounding up to me.

“Holy shit, run.” Blanche ducks behind me covering her face.

“It’s fine.” I turn to her. “Kathy and I are good friends.”

“She punched Luna. I can’t afford a broken nose right now.”

“Honey, I punched that bitch because her kid messed with mine and then that little hippy loving loudmouth came at me.”

Blanche peeks around my waist. “She’s my sister in law.”

“Well, don’t fuck with me or my kid and we don’t have any problems.” Kathy extends her hand to Blanche.

I watch the two shake hands, tentatively at first, and then a real spark flies between them. The two women follow me through the winding trail of people in the bar. The smell of perfume, cheap make-up, and hairspray is enough to make anyone pass out, even a seasoned hairdresser like me.

“Tada.” I point out ‘Summer Cream’ under my name on the dressing room door.

“Oh my God, Queenie.” Blanche gasps.

“I’m so proud of you.” Kathy wraps me up in one of her best momma hugs. She saved me in beauty school and will always have a special place in my heart. She judges no one and loves big. She’ll never know how she saved my life when I thought everything about being Queenie was too much and death sounded easier.

“You’re a star, Q.” Blanche twirls around in the dimly lit makeshift dressing room.

The mirror in the corner with bright light bulbs framing it is the only factor that makes it a legit dressing room.

“No time for talking, ladies. I’ve got a show. Meow.”

Kathy gets right on my hairpiece, while I apply make-up and Blanche eats everything in sight. She even goes out to the bar and brings back a fresh order of mozzarella sticks as Kathy cinches me in my corset.

“Oh sweetie, we need more tucking and taping.”

I look down to what Kathy is talking about and then hear Blanche squeal.

“Holy hell, have you been taking pills, Q?”

“Shut up and keep stuffing your face.”

I feel my entire unit fall out into open site.

Blanche caught the action mid bite with a mozzarella stick in her parted lips. “That was in me and it’s like the size of fucking Godzilla’s ding-dong.”

Kathy’s cackle overtakes the dressing room. “Oh, she’s the one who shoved you straight out of the closet.”

“Yep.” I feel Kathy take care of my package, and tape me nice and tight in all the places that need it. I’m not sure how she knows and don’t event want to ask her.

I send the two ladies out into the hallway while I put the finishing touches on my outfit. It’s not until I take one final glance in the mirror that a pride filled smile covers my face. No one, but the person I am, will ever understand the courage it takes to truly live out your dreams. The true definition of freedom is not caring what anyone else thinks and simply being you.

I swing open the door in full character. “Ladies, I’d like to introduce you to Summer Cream.”

I watch as two of my best friends stand in awe. Blanche tears up and I’m not sure if it’s from my appearance or pregnancy hormones. Kathy stands before me with the proudest momma smile covering her face. Blanche is the first to fly into my arms and I chuckle when she bounds back a bit from the triple D girls on my chest.

“I’m so proud of you, Queenie. You make me want to be a better person.”

“I love you, Blanche and always have.”

The MC’s voice booms from the stage. “Time to get this show started.”

“Take your seat, ladies.”

Kathy grabs Blanche’s hand. “Let’s grab a cocktail, sister.”

“I wish,” Blanche mutters.

“Oh honey, why didn’t you tell me you were expecting?”

Blanche’s complexion morphs into a pale shimmer of pasty white. “You told her?”

“Oh no, honey.” Kathy pulls her in tighter. “I’m like the motherfucking stork.”